


In the Dark

by themayqueen



Series: In the Dark [1]
Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Babies, Cheating, Custody Battle, Divorce, Drug Use, F/M, Infidelity, Marijuana, Music Store, Musicians, Pregnancy, Secret Relationship, Touring, Unplanned Pregnancy, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-18 21:27:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 73
Words: 154,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5943691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themayqueen/pseuds/themayqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Colby studied music in college in the hopes of someday working in the music business, but so far she’s still stuck working in a record store. Her friend Avery tries to help make her dreams come true, but Avery forgot to mention her older brother Zac. It’s love at first sight for Colby, even though Zac is a mystery at best and a nightmare at worst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Brown Eyes

As soon as I opened the door to Sit and Spin Records, the sound of loud, discordant punk music hit my ears. I knew that if he was left to his own devices that was all my boss Joey would play in the store.

From behind a stack of used cds, Tobias had to shout to be heard over the racket. “Hey, Colby! All hands on deck today, huh?”

I had to laugh, because I knew as well as he did that still wasn't many hands. The two of us were usually the only workers in the store all morning until whenever Joey wandered down from his apartment on the second floor.

Despite the short staff, album release Tuesdays were kind of a big deal. We did our biggest business in rare vinyl and cd trades, but there was a section of new music near the front, and new releases had to be at the very front every week.

“Yup, ready for the rush,” I replied, noting that it was still so early that we didn't have a single customer. “The new releases are in his office, right?”

“Yes, ma'am,” Tobias replied, knowing I hated that one holdover of his Tennessee upbringing.

He'd come to New York fresh out of high school with dreams of fame, and although his band played a few concerts here and there, he'd worked at the record store longer than I had known him. In any case, he was almost a decade older than me, and twenty three was definitely too young for anyone to call me ma'am. 

I watched Tobias wander off with used cds piled high in his arms, then made my way to Joey's office to find the box of new releases. The office was in a constant state of chaos, but the box was easy enough to locate, sitting right on top of the worst of the mess on Joey's desk.

Sometimes I wondered how, with so little organization and such a small staff _and_ customer base, he even managed to keep this place open. The easiest answer was that Joey didn't really need the money. His family didn't approve of his lifestyle, spending his younger years touring with any number of punk bands, but they didn't disapprove enough to cut him off. The record store was really just a hobby for him.

The truth was, I barely needed to work there either. After my parents' death, I'd inherited everything they owned, including a huge insurance payout. It had been enough, along with my scholarships, to put me through the music program at NYU, but I didn't like the assumptions people made when they realized I wasn't there on financial aid. So I took the first job I found, which happen to be at Sit and Spin, and hoarded my paychecks for a time when the money I hadn't earned would run out. Since a degree in music didn't have anyone champing at the bit to hire me, I found myself still working there even a year after graduation. It was a fun job, though. Music was, as cheesy as it sounds, my life. When I wasn't busy, I scoured the shelves for new and old bands to add to my collection.

That particular Tuesday, few of the new albums caught my attention. We always added at least one to the shop's playlist for the day, and it was usually my job to pick. I dismissed the hip hop right away, then the techno. Either one would be just as jarring as Joey's punk. The new Sigur Ros would be okay, I decided, but I didn't want to listen to it all day. At the bottom of the stack, I saw a new Hanson album. They weren't a band I had listened to very much, since I was never the teenybopper type, but as a music nerd, I was aware they had been indie for a long time. Even Joey couldn't fault me for adding them to the playlist, I decided.

By the time I had copied those albums to the computer that fed our PA system and arranged the shelf of new albums, business was starting to pick up. It still never really reached a level I would call busy, so when I saw one of my friends slip through the door, I knew we would have at least a few minutes to chat.

Avery had moved to New York to study art a few years ago, and she wandered into Sit and Spin one day while looking for an art supply store. She was so bubbly that it was hard not to be friends with her, even though she and I really were total opposites. She came from the midwest, but she always appeared more cultured than that to me. Avery was the sort of girl people called a classic beauty, the kind who looked perfectly normal in vintage dressed and bright red lipstick but didn't really need makeup at all. I was the type of girl who hid behind tattoos, hair dye and eye liner.

Just as Avery approached the cash register, the playlist shuffled to one of those new Hanson songs, something with lots of synth and Shakespeare references, and a strange look crossed Avery's face.

“Ave? You okay?” I asked.

She nodded, but the strange look remained on her face.

“Okay, well... do you need to sit down?”

Finally, she snapped out of her trance, and, to my surprise and confusion, laughed. “You _do_ know this is my brothers' album, right?”

I stared at her. In the three years I'd known her, it had never occurred to me that she was one of _those_ Hansons. I suddenly felt like an idiot for not making the connection.

“They're actually in town tonight for the album release,” she added. “I can probably get you into the show, if you want.”

“Sure!” I replied with an enthusiasm that didn't really suit me. I was enjoying their new album, though.

Avery's face turned a little more serious again. “You're not mad that I didn't tell you I was related to them, are you? I didn't really _lie_ , it just... never came up.”

I shook my head. “No, I mean... it's not like I'm a big fan or anything, I just put the album on since it came out today.”

“But you'll still come to the concert, right?” She asked, and I nodded. “Great! It'll be really fun. They put on an awesome show.”

Her enthusiasm was catching, and I found myself really looking forward to the concert. I had been to more shows than I could even count, but I had a strange, nervous feeling about this one.

****

Despite all of the concerts I'd been to, I really didn't know what to expect from a Hanson concert. Avery and I were in the VIP section, which thankfully meant we were able to bypass the line of women that stretched down the entire block. As soon as we found our spots, I was bombarded by her relatives. They all knew her fiance Malcolm, who had met us outside, but I had to be introduced to the whole family. There were parents, sisters, wives, children and more names than I really trusted myself to remember. My head was spinning even before I took a sip of the rum and coke Avery had slipped away to buy for me.

I didn't drink much, though. Two drinks was my limit when I actually wanted to pay attention to a show, and this was one I definitely wanted to remember. From the second the band hit the stage they had my attention. It wasn't just the music or even the insane energy of the crowd, it was just something about _them_ and their stage presence.

Apparently, I was a Hanson fan and I'd never known it.

What I really was struck by was how each of their different personalities worked together. The guitarist was calm and collected, but he clearly knew he rocked. The keyboardist, who did most of the singing, just exuded sexuality. And the drummer... the drummer was something else entirely. He was technically skilled and fairly restrained, but from his flexing muscles to his wild hair, you could see him yearning to let loose. When he sat down at the piano to play the song I'd been humming all day, I felt myself melting. He was such a paradox—wild rockstar hair and this soft, smooth voice. I could see that contradiction running all the way through him, and I found myself wanting to unravel it... to unravel him.

_Juliet, you are a drug and it is quick_  
And with a kiss I lose my senses  
Juliet, you are a fire, I am consumed  
Tonight I’m dying in your arms 

All too soon, the concert was over. I wanted it to last all night, but two hours had passed in what felt like only seconds.

While the audience was still milling about, we were escorted backstage. I was still on a high, my head still swimming. It wasn't as though I hadn't been backstage at a concert before, but this _still_ felt different somehow.

I followed the long line of Hanson family members into the green room, feeling like I had to stick out like a sore thumb in the sea of blonde. Malcolm had dark hair, too, though, and so did the wives I'd been introduced to. They were nothing like me, though; one was the sort of perfect supermodel woman who could have walked off a catwalk instead of just changed a diaper, and the one look just looked like a mom. Neither of them looked anything like me, and I started self-consciously tugging at my short skirt as I watched everyone rushing into the room and reuniting as though they hadn't seen each other for years rather than only hours.

Another round of introductions started, and I tried to focus on all the new names. The drummer, who I learned was Zac, was even more striking up close. He smiled and shook my hand the way I was sure he did with every new person he met, but it still made me feel like the only person in the room, maybe even the entire world. My entire body felt like it was on fire, starting with the sparks that passed between our hands and going all the way down to my feet. 

_Juliet, I feel so dangerous_  
Looking in your eyes is perilous  
But I don’t care ‘cause I would die for love 

“And this is Colby,” I vaguely heard Avery say. “I've told you guys about her, I think. She majored in music.”

“Oh, you're a musician?” One of the other brothers asked and it took all the willpower I had to peel myself away from Zac and focus on answering the question. 

“Umm, yeah,” I replied. “Violin, piano, guitar... I sing a little bit, too.”

Avery nudged me. “She's being modest. She's great, you guys.”

If I hadn't already been blushing, I definitely was by then. My blush only deepened when Zac gave me another big smile. “So, did you study one of those instruments, or...?”

“A little bit of everything,” I replied. “Performance, history, even more behind the scenes stuff. Music business stuff.”

I had a feeling I was rambling, but he seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. So did everyone else, but I couldn't seem to peel my attention away from Zac's big, dark eyes. They were kind, but there was something else in them that I couldn't quite place, some depth that I wasn't sure he wanted revealed, but still I could see it.

While we were discussing the state of the music business and what it was like to work at an indie record store, another tall supermodel of a woman walked into the room. I didn't think I'd seen her earlier; I was certain I would have remembered if we'd been introduced. She had the sort of long hair you could tell she worked on for hours to make it look so carefree, and a wide smile full of perfectly white teeth that grew wider when it fell on Zac. As tall as she was, she would have been an imposing figure at any time, but right then, with a big pregnant stomach not concealed at all by her empire waist dress, she just commanded attention.

“Oh, Colby,” Avery said, suddenly reappearing at my side just as this new woman slid in beside Zac. “This is Zac's wife, Kate.”

I had known it, had just had a sinking feeling, before she said it. When the word _wife_ actually left her mouth, I felt my stomach drop the floor. He hadn't been flirting with me; he'd only been friendly as he would be with any fan or random girl he met. It hadn't meant anything special.

I had just been foolish to think otherwise and to assume I really saw anything at all in those brown eyes.


	2. Fireworks

A few weeks later, I somehow found myself sitting in a lawn chair in the middle of an Oklahoma backyard. Avery had invited me along on a trip home that I knew held several purposes, even aside from the fourth of July slash engagement party she'd billed it as. She wasn't good at hiding her ulterior motives, so it didn't surprise me at all when her brothers started bombarding me with questions about whether or not I would like to work for them. 

A part of me wanted to hate her for conspiring behind my back like I was some charity case, but the other part of me was excited about finally making some sort of break into the music business, even if it was just an internship with a tiny indie label.

The whole week in Tulsa so far had felt like one big party, with all the smaller parties and hangouts just blending together. Even when we met to discuss the potential internship, it didn't feel like a business meeting. Somehow, all three Hanson brothers felt like old friends, not my potential bosses. I felt that way about most of the family, though. Avery's seemed to have just adopted me as one of their own.

By the actual independence day party, though, I was ready for a bit of a break from constantly being surrounded by people. I planted myself in a lawn chair with one of Diana's spiked ice teas and tried to remember how to breathe. It wasn't difficult to relax in their backyard, which seemed to stretch on for miles. While I considered myself a city girl now, I had grown up in a more rural part of upstate New York, and I found that although it was different, I liked the Oklahoma countryside too. A few of the numerous Hanson grandkids were running around the yard with Avery and her other friend Annalee to supervise, but I was perfectly content to sit back at a distance and avoid the chaos.

“There you are,” a voice I immediately recognized as Zac's said. “I thought you'd left the party.”

“I'm still here,” I replied, hating the way my entire body still seemed to heat up when he so much as looked at me.

Maybe not _all_ of the Hanson brothers felt like old friends to me. 

In the two weeks that had passed since I met him, it had been easy to forget the moment I thought Zac and I had shared. It had been easy to dismiss it all as just as combination of the alcohol and the high that seeing a good concert gave me. My emotions toward the music were just being transposed onto this guy who was completely out of my reach and uninterested in me anyway. There was nothing more to it than that, or so I had convinced myself until I saw him again and my heart forgot how to beat at a normal pace.

“Mind if I join you?” He asked, plopping down in the chair next to me before I had a chance to even shake my head. “I see you found the special tea.”

“Yeah, it's umm... it's pretty good,” I replied. This was a strange sort of small talk, and I wasn't at all sure how to respond to it.

“It gets the job done,” he said with a hint of a smirk, then turned up his own beer bottle and took a long swig. 

I found myself shamelessly watching him, but he didn't seem to notice. We sat in silence for a long time, a million stupid conversation ideas running through my mind before Zac finally spoke again.

“So, you're definitely coming out on tour with us?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I think so. I mean, the whole... moving here to work for you guys thing is pretty crazy, but going on tour is a little less permanent.”

“Just dipping your toes in the water,” he replied with a nod of his own. “I get it. If you don't like it... well, you can worry about that later if it's the case. But touring is fun. You'll love it.”

“Do you?” I asked. “I mean, I don't have a lot of really close family, but I would think... isn't it hard to leave them?”

Those dark eyes of his flashed even darker for a moment, and I wondered if I had said the wrong thing. Maybe it was too personal of a question. I wasn't even sure why I wanted to know. Finally, Zac shrugged off whatever he was thinking and replied, “It's tough, yeah. Sometimes the family comes out on tour with us, but it's harder now that they're older, and with Kate so far along. But... well, we make it work the best we can. You'll see.”

“I guess I will,” I replied softly, hating the stupid pang of jealousy that suddenly seemed to stab me on the inside.

“And anyway, as far as moving here, that's not set in stone. You never know what the future will hold.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, we still technically own an office in New York,” Zac explained. “It's just a big storage space right now, but it's ours. It's not out of the realm of possibility that we might start using it again. Ever since they started homeschooling their kids, Tay and Nat have been toying with the idea of moving. It wouldn't be so tough now that finding a school isn't part of the equation.”

I nodded, but once again, my head was spinning. Everything he talked about was foreign to me—from the business side of it to the family stuff. I tried to keep up with him, but I felt like I was being pulled underwater and had suddenly forgotten how to swim.

“Anyway, you should think about it. Even if you just go on this tour, you'll still be getting your foot in the door, you know?”

“Yeah,” I replied, even though I wasn't sure I knew at all.

We lapsed out of conversation then, choosing instead just to sit there and enjoy our drinks. Gradually, as the sun sank lower in the sky, the rest of the family began filtering out of the house and into the yard. Walker, Isaac and Taylor were loaded down with boxes of fireworks, while the women each had at least one kid in tow or trailing behind. I jumped up to offer my seat to Kate, who seemed to be struggling a bit for once, letting pregnancy get the better of her flawless appearance. I wasn't sure how far along she was, but it seemed pretty far. Some girls, like Avery's older sister Jessica, just seemed to fill out and fluff up everywhere when they got pregnant, but Kate was still stick thin everywhere else, her big belly sticking out almost comically, especially when she tried to maneuver herself into the lawn chair.

Once she finally plopped down onto the seat, she beckoned to Zac. Even without words, he knew what she wanted, and he hopped up to rub her shoulders. He leaned down and whispered something to her as he did, and I had the sudden impression that I was witnessing some sort of private moment that I really shouldn't be present for. I decided it was time to go find Avery.

I found her sitting on a little swing set, supervising the few Hanson grandkids old enough to play with sparklers while she trailed her own through the air in front of her. I sat down on the empty swing next to her, giving her a wide but not very genuine smile.

“Enjoying the party?” She asked.

“Yeah,” I replied, unsure why I wasn't and why I felt the need to lie about it.

“Were you talking to Zac about the tour?” She asked.

I was surprised that she had even noticed us, but I supposed you learned to split your focus easily in such a big family with so many people to keep an eye on. I nodded. “Yeah, he was trying to talk me into it, even if I don't take the internship.”

“You really should,” she replied. “Normally I would go sell the merch, or Jess would. Annalee and I had a great time on the last tour. If I thought I could plan a wedding on the road, I would so go with you.”

“You mean you won't put off the wedding just to come on tour with me?” I asked, giving Avery an exaggerated pout.

Avery giggled. “I just wish two of my bridesmaids weren't going to be gone for so long. But I know you'll have a great time.”

“Maybe I will,” I said. “It just seems crazy. I mean, with all this family and everything?”

“Oh, not everyone goes on tour now. At least not for the entire tour. They'll come out to visit once or twice, usually when the guys are near their families. In a lot of ways, it won't even be as hectic as this.”

“What about, umm, Zac's wife?” I asked, the words tumbling out of my mouth and sounding fairly accusatory. “I mean, she's got to be due soon, right? She wouldn't do that much traveling now, would she?”

“Oh, no,” Avery said. “She's not due until October, but no, not with two kids at home, too.”

I nodded. I wasn't sure why it mattered to me so much whether or not she was there. There was no reason for me to be jealous or to think that it mattered whether or not Zac's wife was around. I glanced over to where I had left the two of them, and saw that Zac had left Kate and joined the men setting up the fireworks. Kate still commanded attention from everyone around her, though, with a couple of the younger kids gathered around poking at her stomach and placing their mouths and ears up to it. I looked away quickly.

A few minutes later, the fireworks display started. It was pretty impressive for something put together by one family, but it was obvious that the Hansons never did anything small. Avery and I joined the crowd by the patio for a better view, but my eyes seemed to want to remain glued to Zac. Even the bright flashes of light and color couldn't hold my attention the way that he did. Although something about his light seemed to have dimmed since our conversation, he still shone brightly and made me feel like a moth to a flame.

When he turned and caught my eye, I wondered if he had noticed me staring. My face flushed and I had to look away, fearing he could read all of my thoughts on my face. The thought of going on tour with Hanson was exciting, but I didn't know how I could possibly keep these feelings a secret the entire time.


	3. Merch Girls

In spite of my trepidation, I spent the next two months getting prepared for the tour. Joey had no problem letting me take a few months off; my schedule had always been pretty flexible due to my classes and his generally laid back demeanor. I had my passport already, too, thanks to the graduation trip to Italy that my aunt and uncle had taken me on a year before. Aside from sorting out all of my bills, the hardest part of prepping for tour was packing. 

How did a person condense their life down to just a few suitcases to last them for three months? 

It wasn't until I tried that I realized just how much there was to my life. I didn't have a lot of friends, and I didn't even think my little apartment held that many belongings, but I kept finding more and more things I wanted to pack. It took a lot of help from Avery and Annalee, who knew what to expect from a tour, to finally whittle my pile of things to pack down to a reasonable amount.

All too soon, in what seemed like a matter of days not weeks, Labor Day weekend was upon me. Although the tour had begun a few days prior, we had planned for me to join the tour in Long Island. With all my belongings finally packed up, I called a cab to take me to the Paramount that afternoon to begin the adventure.

I couldn't help being nervous. Although I had spent plenty of time talking to Avery about what to expect and even Skyped with the band a few times, I still felt like I was way out of my depth. I could play and study music all I wanted, but weaseling my way into a touring band's life was something else entirely. They had treated me like one of the family in Tulsa, but I wasn't so sure that I agreed with them.

When I knew the cab was close to the venue, I sent Annalee a text. I hoped she would already be there, since she knew what she was doing and I was totally clueless. Sure enough, she texted back just seconds later that she was waiting outside the venue for me. As the cab pulled up to the sidewalk, I was surprised to see hardly anyone lined up. It was still early in the afternoon, but the venue seemed practically deserted.

Annalee rushed over as soon as I opened the cab door, calling out, “Colby, hey! You're just in time.”

“In time for what?” I asked, pointedly glancing around at the nearly abandoned street. There were less than a dozen or so girls lined up, along with a few more blankets and chairs that didn't appear to be in use by anyone at all.

She followed my eyes, then laughed. “Oh, they're doing the walk now. They'll be back in a little while, though, so we need to get our stuff set up.”

I vaguely recalled Avery and Annalee explaining the walks to me, but I had forgotten all about it. I hoped everything else they'd told me to prepare me for the tour hadn't fallen out of my brain so easily too. 

“Come on, lets get your stuff on the bus and then we can start setting up the merch booth,” Annalee said. 

I had no choice but to follow her. We gathered up my bags quickly and Annalee led the way around the back of the venue to a small parking lot that was filled almost entirely just by the tour bus. She had a set of keys that opened the bus itself and the storage area on the side. My big suitcase went in there, and I carried my smaller overnight bag onto the bus with me where Annalee gave me the grand tour.

“So, this is sort of the front lounge, I guess. Table, seats, mini-fridge, the coffee maker you shouldn't use unless you want Taylor to freak out on you... bathroom to the left there...” Annalee rattled off, leading the way. “And here are the bunks. You'll be right here, below me. There's room for some of your stuff in there, but there's an extra bunk we all usually stuff our bags into.”

She peeled back the curtain to my bunk and I saw that it was tiny. That didn't bother me very much, since I was on the ridiculously short side, but I was still surprised to realize that little coffin of a bed was my home for the next few months. I tossed my pillow and blanket inside along with my purse, then put my bag in the other bunk that Annalee pointed out.

“What's that room?” I asked, pointing toward the halfway open door in front of us.

“That's the back lounge,” she said, sliding the door the rest of the way open. “Just a few more couches and stuff. If they weren't busy, you'd probably see Zac planted right there playing some video game.”

At the very mention of his name, my stomach began to do flip flops. That was not a good sign. If I didn't learn how to be around him or even hear him mentioned without falling apart because of some stupid, pointless crush, I didn't know how I would survive the entire tour.

If Annalee noticed anything weird about my reaction to his name, she didn't mention it. She was a woman on a mission; like Avery, she rarely stopped talking, and right then, she was running through all the details I could possibly ever need to know about selling merch. I tried to keep up with both her speech and her quick steps as she led me back into the venue and showed me where our merch table would be set up.

Between the two of us, it still took a while to get everything carried into the venue. There seemed to be endless boxes of t-shirts, which we needed to enlist the help of one of the crew guys to carry, stacks and stacks of cds and all sorts of random and probably overpriced goodies that I was sure the fans would still gobble up. Once it was all carried in, it still had to be arranged. Annalee found a ladder and I was enlisted to do the climbing to hang up the t-shirts. I didn't mind; I kind of liked feeling tall for once in my life. 

“Is this the new merch girl?” Someone called out from somewhere below me. 

It wasn't a voice I recognized, so I carefully turned around on my ladder to see who it was. I nearly fell off the ladder entirely when I saw Zac standing behind the guy I had assumed asked the question. That wasn't a particularly good impression to make on my first day on the job, and it didn't help at all that both Zac and this new ginger dude started laughing at me.

“Yeah, this is her,” Zac said, once he managed to stop laughing. “Avery's friend Colby.”

And that was all I was to him. Of course it was. Why did it even hurt to hear him say that when I already knew it was true?

“That's the guitar tech, Muff,” Annalee offered while I was still trying to collect myself and not trip over my own feet again as I lowered myself back to the floor.

“I thought you looked young,” he said, eying me. 

“I'm twenty three,” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest self consciously. Maybe I should have worn heels so I didn't look like a teenager, but that probably wouldn't have helped with the whole ladder situation.

Muff eyed me a moment longer, then gave me a nod. “Nice tats.”

Crossing my arms had drawn attention to them, I supposed. After collecting new ink for so many years, the tattoos were just a part of my body, as mundane as my eyebrows or fingernails. I always felt a little surprised and awkward when someone drew attention to them. It inevitably led to stares and questions. Zac's eyes seemed to bore into my skin, lingering on me in a way that made me nervous even though I knew he was only looking at the tattoos and nothing else. 

Somehow, it still made me feel like a piece of meat.

Evidently content with that short introduction, Muff turned away from me then and began talking to Zac about the guitar setup for the show. Zac's attention lingered on me for a moment, but it still felt like he was looking through me, not at me. I tried to ignore him, turning my back to him and continuing to hang the t-shirts and things on the display, but I could still feel his eyes on me. Evidently he and Muff had decided to have their little conference right there. I supposed I would have to get used to Zac being around constantly, but that didn't mean I had to like it.

The problem was that I _did_ like it—far, far more than I should have.

When I finished the display and had no other reason to keep my back to Zac, I spun back around and began to ask Annalee what I should do next. The words died in my mouth when I saw Zac's face. His intense stare had turned into a glare, and I had no clue why. Had I done something wrong? I looked at the display, then back at the diagram we were supposed to follow. I'd hung everything up correctly, so why was Zac glaring at me like he was trying to set me on fire with his eyes? 

“Umm,” I squeaked out, turning toward Annalee. “I'm just gonna run to the bathroom, unless you need me to do anything else right this second?”

She considered my words for a moment, then said, “Actually, if you could run across the street and pick up some dinner? I mean, not right this second. When you get back.”

“Yeah, I can definitely do that,” I replied.

Anything to get away from Zac, I thought to myself. 

As I wandered around the venue in search of a bathroom, I tried to figure out just what the hell had gone wrong so early on in this tour. We hadn't even left New York and I already felt awkward and unwelcome. It couldn't have been my fledgling crush on Zac; I really didn't think I had been obvious enough about it for him to have any clue how I felt. In any case, it was just a crush. Nothing serious, just a physical reaction to how gorgeous he was. Even if he _did_ notice it, why would that make him suddenly hate me? It didn't make sense. 

I decided that I would rather have remained practically nothing to him than to suddenly have this strange hatred directed toward me.

By the time I worked up the nerve to leave the bathroom and return to the merch table, he was gone. Annalee had written a list of dinner orders for me, and I was happy to have a task to occupy myself with so I didn't have time to think about Zac. Even though we could hear the band rehearsing while we ate, my mind was elsewhere, focusing on all the things I needed to know and be prepared for before my first official night as a merch girl began.

It wasn't even all that difficult to ignore the actual concert, even when Zac took his turn singing lead. There seemed to always be a stream of girls wandering over to check out the merch, and rarely a moment to stop and think. I liked that. When I was already working myself into a nervous wreck over one stupid glare, I didn't need any time to sit and analyze all the different looks Zac had given me. I could do that later while I tried to fall asleep in my coffin of a bunk. 

Two hours later, when the show was finally over and it was time for us to pack up for the night, I actually felt a lot better. I had survived my first night on tour. Despite my nerves and Zac's weirdness, it hadn't been that bad. 

One night down, one hundred and thirteen to go.


	4. Gossip Girls

By my second show, I was definitely starting to feel like I had the hang of selling merch. It wasn't so different from selling anything else, and I was definitely used to catering to picky music fans. The pace was faster, but I adjusted to that fairly quickly. 

It was the tour bus that I couldn't adjust to. 

Besides Annalee and Bex, the woman evidently in charge of keeping the band from running around like chickens with their heads cut off, I was the only girl on the tour. The smell of dirty boy seemed to be permanently ingrained into every surface of the bus, and space was at even more of a premium than I had realized that first day. Worst of all, I couldn't sleep in my bunk at all. I wasn't sure I'd gotten even a full, uninterrupted hour the first two nights, so by the third night, on our way to Richmond, I gave up entirely and took my blanket and pillow to the back lounge. I'd waited until I could no longer hear the sounds of video game zombies dying or anyone talking, because I didn't want to admit to anyone just how miserable trying to sleep on the bus was making me.

I couldn't complain to anyone. Even Annalee, who hadn't toured that much, seemed to be doing just fine. If I complained, I would just sound whiny and entitled, and I didn't want anyone to see me that way. This was a big opportunity, I knew, so I had to be grateful for it, no matter how miserable it actually was.

When Avery texted to ask how I was doing, I hated lying to her, but I didn't see any other option.

It wasn't entirely a lie to tell her I was having a wonderful time. Aside from not being able to sleep and Zac being kind of weird, it wasn't so bad. After glossing over those few problems and assuring Avery I would call her the next day during my downtime, I tossed my phone onto the floor next to the couch and curled up. It wasn't _that_ much more comfortable than my bunk, but at least the leather of the couch was surprisingly cool against my skin. 

In any case, I drifted off pretty quickly, which was far better than I could manage in the bunk. I wasn't even sure how long I'd been asleep when I was rudely awoken.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

I rolled over to find Zac staring down at me, once again looking like he would be shooting poison darts from his eyes if he could. I was too sleep deprived to be intimidated right then.

“I'm trying to sleep, obviously,” I replied.

“I was under the impression this was the lounge, not your own private bedroom. But what do I know? It's only my bus.”

“Yeah, well, I couldn't sleep in my bunk and no one was back here, so...”

“It's still not your bunk,” Zac said.

I stared at him, waiting him to laugh and say he was kidding. But he didn't. His face was deadly serious, as though he genuinely thought I had broken some law by sleeping in the lounge. I knew he was my boss, but this was too much. What did it matter where I slept?

Zac rolled his eyes and flopped down onto the couch opposite mine, turning on his xBox as he did. As it booted up, he shot me a glare and mumbled, “Should have known.”

“Should have known _what_?” I replied, not feeling like even bothering to be polite to him, even if he was my boss.

“That you were just some little brat leeching onto Avery so you could get near us.”

I stared at him. “Where in the _hell_ did you get that idea?”

“The way you're just acting like you own the place, like you can do whatever you want. Do you even appreciate the opportunity we've given you? It could be gone just as fast if you don't get your shit together.”

All I could do was gape at him. I didn't understand where any of this was coming from. As far as I could tell, I had done nothing wrong but try to get some sleep on the couch rather than in my bunk. Was that so much of a crime? The rest of his accusations, that I was just some entitled Hanson fan or something, made even less sense.

I pulled myself up to a sitting position and returned Zac's glare. “You know what, if that's what you think of me, fine. I can tell you it's not who I am, but clearly you've already made up your mind. Good for you. But I'm pretty sure you're not the sole person in charge of hiring and firing people here, so until your brothers also tell me they have a problem with me, I think I'm okay. I'm not hurting anyone by sleeping here, and it's the only place I've been able to sleep since I joined this tour, so I'm not moving. Deal with it.”

He snarled, but evidently didn't have anything to say in response to that. Instead, he turned all of his attention to his video game as though I wasn't there at all. That didn't bother me a bit. I would have much preferred Zac ignore me entirely than continue to be so strange and mean toward me. 

Even with the sound of the game, I managed to drift back off to sleep quickly.

****

When I woke up, we were just a few miles from our hotel in Richmond and I was alone in the back lounge. The xBox was off and there was no sign that Zac had even been there at all, but I knew he had. I remembered our conversation all too well, and felt the sting of it all too well, too. 

But there were things to do and little time to dwell on what a douche Zac had been to me. I wanted to mention it to Avery when I called her, but I didn't. It felt too much like tattling. If he _actually_ tried to fire me, then maybe it would be worth discussing. In the meantime, I would just do my best to stay out of his way and hope that I could avoid another confrontation.

After just a day off, it was still hard to get back in the swing of things, but by that afternoon, Annalee and I were hard at work again. It was the same routine as every show so far, but this time there were a number of fans wandering around as we unloaded all the merch. That was a little new and different, but for the most part, they stayed off to the side.

They weren't, however, very discrete about the fact that they were watching the bus closely and talking about anyone and everyone involved with the band. I tried to ignore them, but every time the names Zac and Kate came out of their mouths, my ears perked up and betrayed my wishes. 

“Well, Jessica's due in December and I'm pretty sure Kate is farther along, so...” One of the fans said.

“Do you think she's on tour then? Since she's so far along?” Another asked in what I was sure she thought was a whisper.

“No, I'm pretty sure they left all the wives at home this time. Thank god. I can't enjoy the show knowing they're probably right off the side of the stage.”

This was a conversation I really had no desire to overhear, so I scurried off to the back door of the venue with my box of t-shirts. Even though Zac had treated me like shit the night before and I had no reason at all to be jealous of his wife, I had to admit that I was. I wouldn't have admitted it to anyone but to myself, though. As I set up the merch table, I was mentally berating myself for being such an idiot with such a stupid, hopeless crush that didn't seem to diminish at all no matter how Zac treated me. It was just pathetic. There was no other word for it.

I had just finished hanging up the t-shirts when I heard Taylor call out my name. I spun around to look for him, and saw him rushing toward me with a panicked look on his face.

“Colby! You're not busy are you?” 

“Not really...” I replied.

“Can you run out to the bus and try to find the first aid kit?” He asked, holding up a very bloody right hand.

I winced. “What did you _do_?”

“My piano bit me,” he replied, pouting. “And apparently there isn't one fucking bandaid in this whole building.”

“Okay, okay, I'll go find one,” I said, hurrying away before he started bleeding on me. 

I wasn't sure how fetching Taylor bandaids had become my job, but after Zac bitching me out for sleeping in the wrong place, I really wasn't about to complain about anything anyone on this tour asked me to do. From all the tour stories Joey had told me, I knew that getting my foot in the door in this business meant a lot of dirty jobs, and I was prepared for that. I just wasn't prepared for being treated so shitty by one of my best friend's brothers. Still, if running off to the bus for whatever any Hanson needed was part of my job description, then I was going to do it. Maybe not with a smile, but I would do it.

When I made my way toward the bus, I was pretty sure the crowd of fans had moved closer to it. They seemed to have multiplied, too, and now they all had cameras out, no doubt hoping to catch a glimpse of somebody important. If I hadn't done the same thing over bands I liked, I would have been even more annoyed with them.

I couldn't really avoid them, though, because I was pretty sure I had seen the first aid kit in the bus's storage area. Why it was there instead of the bathroom, I didn't know. I had a feeling that question, along with just how exactly a piano could bite a person, would remain unanswered. I slipped my key into the lock, opened the door and began fishing through all the suitcases and crap for the little white box I was positive I had seen the day before when we were loading in.

“Who's that girl?” Someone asked.

I knew, without even daring to glance around, that the question was about me. I tried to focus on what I was doing while also straining my ears to hear the conversation. I didn't really want to hear it, but there was just something about knowing people are gossiping about you. No matter how angry you know it's going to make you, you want to know every word that's said.

“Maybe she's the new nanny or something?” 

“Please,” one of them snorted. “Does she _look_ like a nanny to you? I wouldn't let her watch my kids.”

I felt my blood begin to boil at that, but I had to ignore them. It had me flustered, though, and I knocked someone's bag out onto the ground. Whatever was in it made an awful racket as it clattered to the pavement, and that only served to make those fans laugh. As if that wasn't embarrassing enough, the bus door opened to reveal Zac, a look of confusion on his face.

As soon as he appeared, cameras started flashing. I saw his expression turn from confusion to frustration as he shot a glance at the fans, but the change was so subtle that I doubt any of them even noticed.

“What the hell happened here?” He asked.

“I was, umm, looking for the first aid kit,” I replied, staring down at the mess I'd made. “Your brother is dying of a tiny little scratch on his finger.”

Zac laughed, but it wasn't a malicious sound, much to my surprise. It still made me blush as I stepped back to let him try to find the first aid kit. I was ready to wash my hands of the whole search and just let Taylor bleed to death. Zac located it in record time, of course, making me look like a total fool. He didn't gloat as I expected, though. He just handed it to me with a smile and shoved the rest of the bags back into the bus.

“Thanks,” I said as sincerely as I could manage.

“No problem,” he replied. 

During our little exchange, the fans continued to snap photo after photo. It was starting to give me a headache, and I could see Zac's irritation growing, his jaw tensing angrily as he looked their direction. I jumped when he grabbed my shoulder, his touch firm but light at the same time. 

“Come on,” he said, nudging me toward the venue. “Let's get away from the peanut gallery, okay?”

I nodded, finding myself at a total loss for words. Who was this Zac and what had he done with the guy who had threatened to fire me less than twelve hours ago?


	5. Suit and Tie

After the Richmond concert, we took a detour back up north to New York. It felt like cheating to be able to sleep in my own bed while I was supposed to be on tour, but we weren't needed at the festival the guys were playing the next day, so we got to stay at home in New York at the end of our day off. 

It wasn't a relaxing day off, though. Avery and Malcolm decided to take advantage of it by scheduling fittings for all of us. Spending the entire day with Zac's sisters, who had come to visit, trying on all kinds of girly dresses didn't exactly sound like my idea of fun, but I knew there was no way to get out of it. That just wouldn't have even been nice to try, and it would have required all sorts of explanations that I just didn't have. How could I explain to Avery why one of her bridesmaids' was ditching her? Because of her awkward crush on her brother? I didn't see that going over well.

So I had to go. It didn't matter how I felt about it, I had to go.

It wasn't quite the torture I'd imagined. Avery had already picked out a few styles for us to try on, and it didn't take us that long to decide which ones were the most flattering for each of us. Between my petite height and Jess's growing stomach, we were a strange and varied bunch. I couldn't help feeling like I was the strangest one of all, though, with my dark hair and tattoos. I stood out like a sore thumb and I didn't see how they couldn't all tell that I didn't belong. It was only a matter of time before they all figured that out, if they hadn't already.

Once Avery had ordered a few dresses in the appropriate sizes, we headed down the street to get lunch and all get to know each other better. Even though I knew Avery and Annalee, I hadn't spent much time with her sisters or their friend Sarah who had all driven up to spend a few days helping her with the planning before it was too late for Jess to do much traveling.

“So, you're the one touring with the guys right now, aren't you?” Sarah asked me between sips of her coffee.

“Yeah,” I replied. “My first time on tour.”

She smiled. “Oh, it's so much fun, isn't it? I miss it, but I can't really take time off from my job now to go do it.”

“Do they just recruit everyone they know to sell merch?” I asked, laughing nervously.

“Not just merch,” Jess replied with a shrug. “I mean, Joe and I both work at the label. It's just a matter of knowing us and knowing they can trust us. You start bringing in random people you haven't vetted and you don't know what to expect from them. They've even hired a few fans to work at the label, because those are people they know get their vision for the band, you know?”

I nodded, but I didn't really get it. I couldn't help thinking of the night just a few days prior when Zac had accused me of being some fan just looking for a free ride. He obviously didn't trust fans or me, which seemed to run completely counter to what Jessica was saying. I didn't understand it at all. Was it just a quirk of Zac's? Was it just me he didn't like? Why had they hired me at all if no one trusted me?

I tried to snap myself back to reality and pay attention to the conversation going on around me, but they had already moved on from that topic and I couldn't keep up at all. The topic, of course, had swung back to Avery's upcoming wedding. No one was really that interested in me and why I was on tour with the guys. I wasn't a fascinating topic. I wanted to be bitter about that, but at the same time, I was glad no one really cared that much about my presence. I would rather fade into the background than have everyone giving me the sort of attention Zac had given me. 

“Well, if we're all done, why don't we go over and surprise the guys? See how their suit shopping is going?” Avery asked.

“Should we?” Annalee asked. “I mean, isn't that like wedding dress shopping? Or are you allowed to see the tux before the wedding?”

Avery laughed. “I think I'm allowed to see him. You know I don't really care that much about all those old traditions anyway.”

“Well then let's go!” Annalee replied. “I don't think I've ever seen Mal in a suit before.”

“Me either,” Avery replied, smirking. “It's half the reason I said yes when he proposed. Come on, let's pay and then go hunt the boys down.”

I really had no desire to do that, but I couldn't very well tell Avery that. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to tell Avery that her brother had been a real asshole to me, but I knew I couldn't do that publicly, either. I couldn't accuse him like that in front of their other sisters. Besides, what did I have to blame him for but getting angry with me late one night on the bus when he was probably exhausted? If he kept it up, then maybe I would consider saying something to Avery privately,. For right then, I knew I had to just go along with her plan to go see the guys.

It was only a short walk to the fancy tailor where the guys were supposed to be. It was a tiny little building, the sort you could tell had housed the same business for years and years, and it didn't take us long to find Malcolm and his brother mulling over a few tie options.

“How's it going?” Avery asked after greeting him with a hug and a kiss.

“Pretty good,” he replied. “Although I'm not sure we'll be able to convince Isaac to ever leave. And Taylor's... somewhere... taking pictures of everything.”

“He does that,” Avery said, laughing. She motioned for us to follow her. “Come on, lets see if we can get him _and_ Isaac out of here, if they're done.”

Mal nodded. “Yeah, I think we have almost everything picked out. They're looking for new suits to wear on stage now.”

“They really may never make it out of here,” Zoe said, giggling. 

One of the tailors led the way to the back where the guys were evidently still amusing themselves. Sure enough, as soon as we rounded a corner and entered a small room full of mirrors, I was greeted with the sight of ten or twenty Zacs all reflected back at me. The real thing stood in the center of it all, tugging on a vest that looked a little too tight. It hugged his pecs in a way that took my breath away, but I had the feeling it would the same to him—and not in a good way—if he tried to wear it on stage. Still, it stopped me in my tracks.

From his spot in the floor, taking pictures of god only knows what, Taylor glanced up. “You girls done already?”

“Unlike you, Taylor, I don't have to try on everything in the store before I make a purchase,” Avery replied.

“Ouch,” Taylor said, looking hurt.

Zac gave a slight laugh, but it looked forced. I couldn't help wondering if he'd been in a foul mood all day or if that only happened when I arrived. At the same time, I didn't think I mattered to him enough to really have that much of an impact on his mood. 

Avery giggled. “You know I already picked my dress out back in the summer, when we were in Tulsa. And I had a few dresses picked out for the girls already, so no, it really didn't take long just to figure out which ones they all wanted.”

“Are you going to make Colby wear sleeves?” Zac asked out of nowhere.

“What?” Avery asked. “Why?”

He shrugged. “Well, you know, to cover the tattoos.”

“Zac, I'm not getting married in a Mormon church. No one cares,” Avery replied, rolling her eyes.

I stared Zac down. Where had that comment come from? Like so many other things he'd said to and about me, it was so random and made no sense. Did he hate my tattoos? Was that why he was judging me so harshly? I hadn't encountered a lot of judgment over them, but I'd lived in New York City while I collected most of them. Avery was more open minded than her brothers, I knew. Maybe the rest of them really were the weird, close minded Bible belt cult that they seemed to be. Even that didn't make me feel better about Zac's judgment, and I hated myself for putting so much stock in his opinion of me.

“I think her tattoos are badass,” Taylor said, earning him a weak smile from me. "I like them."

“Didn't say I don't like them,” Zac mumbled, still looking like he wanted to kill me and maybe Taylor, too, for making him admit that.

I leaned in closer to Avery and mumbled, “I think I'm just going to go back to my apartment, if that's alright. I need to get some rest while I can before we go back on the road.”

Avery eyed me for a moment. “Are you okay? Zac's an ass. Don't let him get to you.”

If only it were that simple, I wanted to tell her. But I didn't.

I shook my head. “No, I'm fine. I just need to get some sleep in an actual bed, that's all.”

“Alright,” she replied, but I could tell she didn't quite buy my excuse.

I gave Avery a relieved smile, then turned to the rest of the girls and raised my voice a little. “I'm going to head back to my place and get some rest. I'll see you girls... whenever we all get together again, I guess.”

Like Avery, none of them were willing to take my excuse at face value, and I could feel the lie becoming weaker each time I repeated it. When I caught Zac's eye entirely by accident, I could tell that he didn't buy it at all either. The way he stared through me made me feel like dying. I hated him. Even more than that, I hated myself for having such a stupid, pointless crush on him.

Finally, after hugging and saying goodbye to all the girls at least three times each, I made my way back out of the tailor's shop and onto the street. The tightness in my chest finally lessened once I was out in the daylight again.

I had barely been on tour for a week and already I felt like I was dying. I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through an entire tour at this rate.


	6. Smoke and Ink

After our day off and their trip to Canada, we had a long drive to Atlanta ahead of us. Since that was where Zac and Taylor's wives were from, we wasted no time hitting the road so that they could spend the most time possible with their families there. I tried not to think about all that as we loaded our stuff back onto the bus when they came to pick us up. It wasn't as though I would have to spend much if any time with them, anyway. Annalee assured me there were plenty of fun things to see and do in Atlanta, and I was hopeful that would keep me busy enough that I could avoid thinking about Zac's wife... and his weird mood swings.

Part of the way through the drive, we stopped at a twenty four hour diner, but I wasn't hungry. Everything that had happened in the last few days had me so confused and frustrated that I had no appetite at all. Instead of eating, I slipped back onto the bus.

As soon as I opened the door, an all too familiar smell hit my nose. I wouldn't have called myself a stoner, but I'd been friends with enough of them in high school and college to know exactly what pot smelled like, and it was not something I ever expected to smell on _Hanson's_ tour bus.

I followed my nose to the back lounge and slid the door open, all too curious to see who I would find behind it.

“Shit, close the—” Zac said, eyes wide and a still lit pipe held out in front of him. He blinked rapidly for a moment, then said, “Door.”

“I'll just, umm, I'll just... go...” I said, staring at him with an expression I had a feeling was pretty similar to the one he was giving me. Somehow, Zac had been the last person I expected to find.

He shook his head. “No, just... just close the fucking door. Don't let any more of the smoke out.”

Wordlessly, I followed his order. I slid the door closed behind me and collapsed onto the couch across from Zac. Once the door was closed, he pulled the pipe back to his lips and took another hit. I watched, transfixed, as his cheeks hollowed and his eyes fluttered shut. When he opened them a moment later and blew out a ring of smoke, his eyes were fixed on me. 

“Since you're here, I guess...” he said, holding the pipe out toward me. “Do you smoke?”

“Sometimes,” I replied with a shrug.

He held the pipe out further, nodding for me to take it from him. “It would be rude not to share.”

I didn't bother pointing out how rude he had already been to me.

_Well this is just between us but between us let's get high  
In pictures I have seen her and to see her is truly fine  
She's on fire  
She's on fire _

I tried to ignore Zac's eyes on me as I took the pipe from him and took a hit. It went down smoothly, because of course he was rich enough to afford really good weed, and I only coughed a little as I passed the pipe back to him. His fingers brushed against mine, and he gave me the first genuine smile I thought I'd seen from him since the night we met.

It was absolutely surreal to be sitting there smoking pot with Zac Hanson like he hadn't been a total dick to me just a few days before. Were we bonding? Were we actually _friends_ now? I had no clue what was happening, but I decided that I liked it better than how the last few days had been.

We passed the pipe back and forth until it had nothing left to offer us. Zac shoved it into some hidden little cubby hole under the couch that I hadn't even noticed before. He sprayed the lounge full of air freshener, but I didn't really think that would keep anyone from figuring out what we'd been doing. I was too mellowed out to really care what they thought, though. When Annalee peeked her head into the lounge and gave me a pointed, raised eyebrow look, all I could do was giggle.

Zac settled in to play one of his video games, and I didn't have the energy or desire to do anything but sit there and watch him. So I curled up with my blanket and pillow and did exactly that. At some point the bus began to move, but I was only vaguely aware of it. 

I wasn't sure how long I'd sat there staring before Zac noticed. “What? Is there something on my face?”

“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “Sorry I was just... thinking...”

“About what?”

I shrugged. I was thinking about a million things, but none that I wanted to share with Zac, especially since most of them were about him. I didn't understand why he was suddenly being, if not friendly, at least civil to me. I didn't understand the little flashes of... pain or something... I could swear I saw in his eyes sometimes. I didn't understand why he was getting stoned on the bus by himself as we drove to Georgia to see his wife and children. Nothing about this man made sense to me, but I couldn't very well pose those questions to him.

“What, didn't expect to get stoned with a Hanson?” He asked, smirking.

“I guess not,” I replied. “You just seem so...”

I trailed off, because there was really no good way to finish that sentence.

Zac rolled his eyes, but his smirk remained. “Yeah, I get that a lot.”

“So, is this like... a common thing?” I asked. “I mean, you don't smoke up every night, do you?”

“Not really,” he replied, shrugging. “Sometimes. Mostly on tour, when I just need to... relax, you know? Can't really get away with being stoned all the time at home.”

His tone was light, but there seemed to be something more than he was leaving unsaid. I wanted to know what it was but I didn't dare ask. I had the sudden strange feeling that if I just gave him time and didn't push, he would tell me whatever I wanted to know... and maybe some things that I didn't.

_And if I could be inside her light  
I would steal enough to make my way into the night  
And if I could be inside her light I might just find I'd be alright _

“I kinda figured you smoked,” he admitted, giving me a sheepish look.

“What, because of the tattoos? The way I dress?” I asked.

Zac shrugged. “Just takes one to know one, I guess.”

I wasn't so sure he was only talking about the pot. Hadn't I felt some weird connection him the moment we met, too? There was just something about him, like I'd known him forever but also like there were layers upon layers to him that I wanted to peel back and get to know. But somewhere in those layers there was something... familiar. I didn't know how else to explain it.

“Anyway, I think it will be good to have a smoking buddy on tour,” he said.

“Is that what I am?” I asked, the question tumbling out of my mouth before I could think better of it.

“Is that what you want to be?”

I wanted to be so much more than that, but I couldn't admit that. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Cool,” he replied, then gave me another smirk. “It'll have to be our little secret, though.”

Something about his words and the way he looked at me when he said them sent a tingle up my spine. I didn't hate it, but I wasn't sure I liked it, either.

Since it didn't appear that he was going to kick me out of the back lounge again, I settled down into the couch, still not quite ready to let myself lay down completely. Whatever bond we had formed over the weed was still so new that I didn't trust it to last. I didn't want to walk on eggshells around Zac, but I didn't see another option. 

“Sleepy?” Zac asked, barely glancing away from his game.

“Yeah,” I admitted. “I know my job isn't as hard as yours, but...”

Zac shrugged. “It still takes a while to get used to being on the road. That's the tiring part—all the traveling.”

Once again, I could tell he wanted to say more but he was holding back. Even though he'd been on tour for only a week, he seemed to already be exhausted by it. I only had to look a little more closely at him to see the signs, the way his smile rarely reached all the way to his eyes and the tension he held in his shoulders. Even though he didn't even physically look as old as he was, there were times when Zac seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and struggling under a burden that ought to have belonged to a much older man than only twenty seven. I had the sudden urge to hug him, but I resisted.

“You're really quiet,” Zac said.

“Sorry?” 

He chuckled. “It's okay. Just didn't know if you were alright. Still feeling it?”

“Yeah, I guess,” I replied, even though I knew there was more to my silence than just the lingering effects of the weed we'd smoked.

Zac sat his controller down and looked a little more closely at me. It made me nervous and I wanted to turn away, but his stare was so intense that I _couldn't_. I couldn't move at all. After a moment he sighed. “Listen, I'm... what I said the other night wasn't cool. I don't know you. Like, at all. And that makes me nervous, because you get so... you just learn not to trust people, you know? And I don't know yet if I can trust you, but I guess I should try.”

There was no sorry in what he'd said, but I supposed it was as close to an apology as I was going to get out of him. I gave him a little nod. “Yeah... well, like you said, you _don't_ know me. I get that.”

“If you're gonna be my smoking buddy, then I guess I'll get to know you,” he said. “So why don't we start now? Tell me something about yourself. About your family. Or how you got into music. That's good, start with that.”

“That was all because of my parents,” I replied softly. “My dad, he was... he was a lawyer, but really into music. You wouldn't know it to look at him, but he was kind of a hippie, I guess. So was my mom, so they raised me on all this great old music.”

Zac smiled. “That's the Beatles on your arm, isn't it? Blackbird?”

“Yeah,” I replied, running my hand along the tattoo on my forearm. “It was, umm... I got it after they died.”

I watched Zac's eyes widen for a moment then soften in what I knew was pity. I had seen that all too many times from so many people. But if Zac wanted to get to know me, that was a part of me that he would have to learn eventually.

“I'm sorry,” he said. “Can I ask...?”

I nodded. “It was a drunk driver. I was seventeen, so... it's been a few years. Well, six. I guess that's not very long. Sometimes it feels like a lot longer, and sometimes it feels like just yesterday.”

Zac was silent then, and I was fine with that. I preferred that to the meaningless platitudes people usually showered me with more to make themselves feel like they'd done something than because they actually helped me at all. After a few seconds, maybe even a full minute, he asked, “Do all your tattoos have meanings like that? I mean, not like that. But is there a reason behind all of them?”

“Not all,” I replied. “Most. The first one, these stars on my neck, I got just for fun and to prove that I could handle the pain. After that, I guess I decided to make them actually mean something and be _worth_ the pain.”

“Makes sense,” Zac replied. “I don't have any. Not because of the pain or anything, because I think the artwork aspect is really cool. I just don't know what I would want on my body forever.”

I nodded. “It's a big commitment. You gotta wait until you find the right thing, whatever it is that just means that much to you.”

“Maybe I haven't found that yet,” Zac said softly, his eyes clouding over.

“Maybe you will someday,” I replied. It was the sort of meaningless statement that I hated, but somehow it seemed like the thing to say.

Zac didn't ask any more questions about me or my life after that, and I was kind of thankful. He had put me on the spot and gotten me to admit something I didn't like to talk about with people I barely knew. I think he sensed that he'd gone too far, because he turned back to his video game and resumed playing it as though I wasn't in the room. He wasn't ignoring me, though; he was just giving me space.

I was thankful for that, and I drifted off to sleep easily, even with the sounds of computerized gunfire in my ears. I still tossed and turned as I always did, waking up several times to find Zac still glued to his screen. Whenever he did finally leave, creeping out of the lounge so quietly that it didn't even wake me, it must have been very, very late. 

_Well it's not just a daydream if you decide to make it your life  
And this is not between us but between us let's keep getting back to where it's from  
She's on fire  
She's on fire  
She's on to me  
And I'm over me _


	7. Just Peachy

I didn't know if Annalee understood why my mood turned sour practically the second we crossed the Georgia state line or not, but she seemed determined to do everything she could to cheer me up while we were there. Even though she was Avery's friend, she wasn't really part of the Hanson family, so she was all for spending as much time away from their four billion offspring as possible. I couldn't say that I didn't feel exactly the same.

Eventually, though, we had to go back to work. It was an altogether different tour with the family there. Instead of loud music, the venue was filled with screaming children. If I thought the band ran around like chickens with their heads cut off, it was nothing compared to watching seven of their children use the venue as their own personal playground. 

It was giving me a headache, but there was nothing I could do about it. Even if I could get Zac alone now, I knew there would be no smoking with his family around. It was all too obvious that he only took that habit on the road to hide it from them. I couldn't help wondering if his decision to smoke the day before we met up with them was a coincidence or if he'd purposefully chosen that day to get high. Maybe I was reading things into his marriage that weren't there. Even though he was too busy to spend much time with his wife and children that day, I hadn't seen any real reason to think their marriage wasn't perfect.

So why did I still have this nagging feeling that it wasn't?

Since I couldn't get drunk at work, either, I tried to fight my headache off with lots of caffeine, even though I knew that wasn't the cause of it. It was the best I could do. The fact that neither Natalie nor Kate seemed all that concerned with actually watching their children made it so much worse. They seemed more than happy to sit back and talk as though they hadn't seen each other in ages, while their kids went running and shrieking all around.

When their laughter rang out even louder than the kids, I thought my head was going to explode from the sheer nails-on-a-chalkboard-ness of it. Realistically, I knew it wasn't that bad. I was just jealous. It was nothing more than catty, childish jealousy. 

Accepting that fact still didn't make it any easier to tolerate the two Georgia peaches holding their little party where I was trying to work.

“Hey, Colby?” Annalee said, and I jumped a little, realizing I'd just been staring into a box of t-shirts. I wondered how long I'd been doing that. “Can you run backstage and see if I left the diagram somewhere? I think it must have fallen out of my bag... I'm gonna keep looking for it here.”

“Yeah, no problem,” I replied.

I was sure by the end of the tour, we would have the whole display committed to memory, but it hadn't happened yet. I still saw Hanson t-shirts on the inside of my eyelids when I laid down to sleep, though. 

I dodged a few kids I was pretty sure belonged to Taylor and Natalie as I made my way through the venue. We had dumped our bags backstage earlier after eating lunch far away from the screaming horde, and I struggled to remember where the green room was. Finally certain I'd found it, I rounded the corner and crashed into something very small moving very quickly.

“Fuck!” I cried out as my feet seemed to get tangled into a pretzel with whatever I'd run into, sending me crashing to the floor.

The shrill sound of a crying child hit my ears and it was then that I realized I'd run right into a Hanson offspring. I struggled to remember which one this little blonde girl was, but ultimately I figured it didn't really matter. I scrambled toward her, ignoring the fact that I was pretty sure I'd managed to scrape my knees and hands in the fall, but she skittered away from me like a scared animal.

“I'm sorry, sweetie,” I said, feeling awkward and out of my depth trying to talk to a kid. “Let me just see if you're hurt, okay?”

That only made her cry louder, and the sound attracted attention. I heard footsteps coming quickly down the hallway and in seconds I saw that they belonged to the last person I wanted to see.

Kate.

She towered over me even more from my position on my hands and knees, looking like some giant, pregnant Amazonian goddess. It took only a matter of seconds for her face to turn from confusion to shock.

“Junia, baby, what happened?” She asked, doing her best to bend over and retrieve the child that I suddenly realized was hers.

Junia waddled toward her mother and latched onto her leg. Sniffling, she mumbled, “Fell down.”

“Aww, baby,” Kate said as she struggled to pick her up and balance her on her belly. “Let mommy take a look, okay?”

I scrambled to stand up, wishing there was some way I could just make a quiet escape before Kate remembered that I was there. I had no such luck. After kissing the tiny scrapes on Junia's knees, Kate turned her attention back to me, her eyes flashing with an anger that rivaled even the worst I'd seen from Zac.

“And I suppose that was _you_ I heard using such bad language?” She asked. 

“I didn't... I mean, yeah, it was. But I didn't realize what had happened... I didn't even see her...” I stuttered out.

“Oh, well,” Kate replied, the words laced with sarcasm. “That just makes it all okay. It's not like there could be all kinds of little ears listening in whenever you're talking. Or little feet getting trampled under your big clumsy ones.”

I figured it wasn't appropriate to point out that I only wore size six shoes.

“You need to watch yourself,” she continued. “You can't just run around here like you own the place, being so totally thoughtless.”

It seemed like a weird overreaction to a simple accident, and I didn't understand it at all. I wasn't sure at all what I was being chastised for, but I didn't like it. I didn't like feeling like a child when I was an adult myself, and not even _that_ much younger than Kate. Still, she made me feel childish and two feet tall. I hated it.

As if my nightmare couldn't get any worse, Zac suddenly appeared around the corner. “What's going on? Is everything okay?”

For some reason, this set off another round of tears from Junia, her little hands grasping at the air as she cried out for her daddy. Zac rushed to her side and swept her up into his arms, which only seemed to sooth her a little. 

“Seriously, what happened?” He asked, his big hand rubbing her back gently. The question was obviously directed at me and Kate, since Junia was pretty much incapable of being coherent at this point.

“Someone wasn't watching where she was going, and she just barreled right into our daughter!” Kate replied. “Who is this girl, anyway? She's never worked for you guys before.”

I wanted to speak up for myself and to say that I didn't appreciate being talked about like I wasn't there, but the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. Surely Zac would stick up for me. It had been an honest accident, and I was certain he could see that. Couldn't he?

“She's new,” he replied.

“Well, she needs to learn how to be more careful and more professional. Running around, using bad language around the kids... _someone_ needs to give her a serious talking to.”

I stared at Zac, mentally willing him to come to my defense. He shot me a quick look, his eyes flickering to me and then away so quickly that I wasn't even sure it had really happened. But he didn't speak. He murmured something soothing to Junia, but he didn't speak. Not to me. Not even _about_ me.

It hit me suddenly that he was going to let Kate throw me under the bus. It didn't matter that it had been an accident; she had decided that I was a horrible person, and Zac was going to let her get away with it.

I felt sick.

Suddenly, Kate gasped and whisked Junia out of Zac's arms. “She's bleeding! Poor baby, no wonder she was so upset.”

Sure enough, one of the small scrapes on her knee had started to bleed a little. It was a minor injury, more likely caused by one of the dolls that had gone flying out of her arms than the actual collision with me, but it still had both mother and daughter on the verge of hysterics.

“I'm going to go find a bandaid for her,” Kate said, shooting me a dirty look before spinning around and scurrying away as fast as she could in her condition.

I could do nothing at all but stare at Zac. Surely now that Kate was gone, he would say _something_ to me. But he didn't. He just stared back at me, his eyes strangely devoid of any emotion.

“Zac, I didn't... it was an accident...” I stuttered out. It wasn't much, but I had to say something.

He shook his head, and first I thought he was shrugging off my attempt at an apology. When he held up his hand to stop me, I knew it wasn't. “Just... just drop it. Just do your job.”

“I was doing my job...” I mumbled.

“Whatever,” he replied, as though he hadn't even heard me at all. “Just do your job and stay out of everyone's way. Is that too much to ask?”

I stared at him, barely believing the words he'd said. “No, I... I can do that.”

“Good.”

He looked at me for a moment longer, as though he was going to say something else, but he didn't. He just shook his head again and walked away. 

I knew I shouldn't have been surprised that Zac had sided with his wife and not with me. It was the natural thing for him to do, wasn't it? I could never compete with her, anyway. I was just a clumsy little mess who was still struggling to get her life together. I wasn't some perfect little debutante of a wife, and I definitely wasn't a Georgia peach.

But we weren't competing, were we? Even if there was even the tiniest chance that Zac was actually interested in me, it didn't matter. Kate had won that contest years ago. I wasn't even in the running.


	8. Perilous

I avoided Zac and anyone else with the last name Hanson for the rest of the night and for as much of our time in Birmingham and Nashville as I could. Of course I had to talk to some of them eventually, but I kept everything strictly business. I had to prove to Zac that I could be professional before his wife convinced him to fire me. I had no doubt she could talk him into it; she clearly had him wrapped around her little finger that much.

The drive from Nashville to Memphis was short enough that we got a hotel that night. The last few days had me exhausted, far too exhausted to join the few members of the band and crew who had gone out for drinks, but for some reason, sleep didn't come easily. It was like I was so tired that I had circled all the way back around to wide awake even though I didn't want to be. After a few hours of tossing and turning, I decided to make a trip to the snack machine down the hall. It wouldn't put me to sleep, but it would at least give me something to do while I definitely _wasn't_ asleep.

Figuring it was late enough that I wouldn't see anyone in the hall, I didn't bother putting on anything less revealing that my tank top and pajama shorts. I tucked my phone, room key and a little money into my bra, slipped on a pair of flip flops and I was out the door.

I ended up with a bag of salt and vinegar chips and a diet soda that I knew would only serve to keep me awake even longer. Maybe I could just stay up and sleep in Memphis. It seemed like a solid plan, I decided, and turned to walk back to my room.

I'd barely made it out of the little snack alcove when I heard loud whistling. It was followed by a loud curse, and a sound that I soon identified as a key card being rejected. 

Zac's key card, to be specific.

He leaned heavily against the door to his room, and from the distance, I could see that he was struggling to slide his key card in the slot. He banged his head against the door and cursed again. “Fucking piece of shit key.”

He was drunk. I had no doubt about that.

“Son of a... Colby! Help me...” 

I froze on the spot, wishing I could fade away into the carpet and disappear completely. It was too late. He'd spotted me. Now I had no choice but to help him. I hurried to his side, ignoring the way he didn't seem entirely willing to let go of the key card. Once I flipped it over the right way, the door accepted it and clicked open, causing Zac to practically fall into the room.

“You're a genius, Colbs...” he slurred, grabbing my arm and pulling me into the room with him.

I yanked my arm back. “Okay, well, you're in here now so... I'm just gonna go back to my room.”

“No,” he said forcefully, spinning around to give me a pout that I already knew I wouldn't be able to resist. “Just stay... for a lil while, okay?”

I could have given him a long, detailed list of all the reasons why I shouldn't, but in the end, I couldn't. I just gave him a little nod and said, “Yeah, okay. I'm just gonna use your bathroom...”

“Okay,” Zac replied, spinning back around so quickly that I thought he would fall down. He managed to steady himself somehow, and once I saw that he was pointed toward the bed, I turned and walked into the bathroom.

I didn't really need to use the bathroom, but I did need to get away from him for a minute. I sat my soda and chips on the bathroom floor and leaned against the wall. What was I getting myself into by agreeing to stay with him? Surely he didn't mean for the whole night, and surely he wouldn't cheat on his very, very pregnant wife. Zac had to mean something more innocent than that, and my stupid crush was just causing me to take it all the wrong way. 

The worst part was that I wasn't sure which I hoped was the case. 

When I finally worked up the nerve to leave the bathroom, I found Zac lying on his bed, legs spread and only one shoe kicked off. His fingers were fumbling with the buttons on his shirt, and as soon as he saw me, he gave me another pathetic pout.

“Help me, Colbs.”

Apparently I had a nickname now.

Since it looked like he was about to resort to just ripping the buttons off his shirt, I realized I had no choice. I sat down gingerly on the bed, as far from him as I could manage, and began to delicately unbutton the yellow plaid shirt he wore. As he peeled it off, the smell of alcohol and cigarettes assaulted me and I tried not to cough. Zac wiggled around a little bit to toss the shirt into the floor and remove his other shoe, then began to fumble with his belt buckle. I could only stare wide eyed as he shoved his pants down and kicked them into the floor. I knew I should look away, but I couldn't. 

He didn't stop until he was wearing nothing but a pair of black boxer briefs, and I knew I should really, really look away then. I still couldn't. I did, at least, manage to scoot away from him, and was almost off the bed entirely when Zac lunged toward me and pulled me back.

“Zac, I should really go...” I said, pulling away from him again. “You're drunk and we both need to sleep...”

He pouted. “You're gonna leave me here all 'lone? That's not nice.”

“Why'd you get so shitfaced that you need a babysitter, anyway?” I asked, laughing a little. I hadn't meant to actually ask anything like that, so I tried to laugh it off but I could see that it had still hurt Zac by the way the light in his eyes faded ever so slightly.

“Just felt like it,” he said. “You're not my wife. You can't tell me what to do.”

“I wasn't trying to...” I replied, choosing not to point out that the expression should have been mom, not wife. “Just seems like... I dunno, you're super shitfaced right now and that's not maybe the best idea...”

Zac shrugged and rolled over, turning his back to me. “S'not your business. If I wanna get drunk, I'll get drunk.”

I sighed and laid down next to him, but not too close. Just close enough to feel the unbearable heat coming off his body. “I didn't mean anything by that. I'm sorry. Just... you know, you're my buddy now, right? So I guess I was just... concerned.”

“Well, you don't need to be,” he replied, rolling over to face me. He was closer to me than I expected and I pulled back, but he didn't seem to notice. “I can take care of myself just fine.”

“I know you can,” I said. “I'm sorry.”

Zac sighed. “S'fine. I'm a douchebag, I know.”

“No, you're not,” I said, more because I knew it was the right thing to say than because I really meant it.

“I am,” he said, nodding. “I'm a shitty husband.”

“Why do you say that?”

He stared at me. “I'm in bed with another woman. Doesn't that kinda scream 'bad husband' to you?”

“But we're just... laying here,” I pointed out weakly.

“Yeah...” he said. “Well, I'm pretty horrible for other reasons, too. But you don't need to know about all that stuff.”

I just stared at me. If he brought it up, it was clear that he wanted to talk about it, even if I didn't need to know. I tried to figure out how to steer the conversation in whatever direction it was Zac was reluctant to go, but I didn't know how, so I just took a few metaphorical steps back. “But I mean... we're not doing anything. It doesn't look good, but... it's not like you're cheating just by laying here.”

“I have,” he replied. “Cheated, I mean.”

That was easier than I expected, but somehow, I hadn't expected him to admit something like _that_.

“I mean, it was... it wasn't like that. But it kinda was,” he said, then shook his head. “We were broken up, basically. Or not speaking, at least. It was always so on again, off again... one time, Kate admits she had been with some guy, some fucking frat guy. So I ended up running into this girl I had kinda... well, we never really dated, but I knew her. And shit happened. Shannon, she was... going through a rough time too and we just ended up in bed together. I told Kate about it, though.”

I waited for a moment to see if there was more to the story than that. When it didn't seem like he was going to say anything more, I said, “Well, obviously you guys made up. You forgave her and she forgave you, right?”

“Right,” Zac replied, snorting. “That's why she accused me of being Shannon's baby daddy a few years later.”

“She... what?” I asked.

“I mean, I _wasn't_ , but it didn't matter to Kate. She could do the math and she knew I'd been hanging out with Shannon at the right time—or the wrong time—so she just jumped to conclusions. Then Shannon had to fucking go and name the kid Lucy.” Zac paused and ran a hand through his hair, pulling it halfway out of its ponytail holder. “I think it was just Kate's pride that kept her from never demanding I get a paternity test. She didn't want to shatter the image of our perfect marriage by admitting that there was even a chance I'd cheated, you know?”

“But what if the kid was yours... wouldn't you kinda need to know that?”

Zac shrugged. “I guess she didn't think about it like that. She's always been concerned about image. Her image, our image... it's just how she is.”

I figured it wasn't my place to tell him how awful that was, so I didn't.

“Anyway, that's why I'm a bad husband. I'm a cheater, you know. Once a cheater, always a cheater, or so... somebody said, I guess.”

“Well, I don't know that that's... I mean...” I mumbled, letting myself trail off because I really didn't see the point. 

I suddenly wished I hadn't been so right about that sadness I thought I sometimes spotted in Zac's eyes. There was so much more to it than I knew, and now I wasn't sure I wanted to know any of it. It didn't make me feel any better to know that he and his life weren't perfect. If someone that beautiful with so many of the things I lacked—a career, a family—could still have such sadness inside, then what hope did the rest of us have?

While I was lost in thought, Zac was drifting closer and closer to me. His bare chest was pressed up against mine, and the thin tank top I wore wasn't nearly enough to keep my temperature from rising just from being that close to Zac's bare skin. One of his hands had snaked its way into my hair, and without daring to look up and meet his eyes, I knew what was coming next.

“Why do you want to be my friend, Colby?” Zac asked.

“Why not?” I replied.

He shook his head and mumbled, “So many reasons...”

Before I could reply to that, although I didn't know what to say anyway, the hand that had been casually caressing my hair planted itself firmly on the back of my head. Zac pulled me to him and pressed his lips to mine, taking my breath away with his roughness. Between his insistent kisses and his large hand holding my head, I was powerless to escape. So I let him kiss me. His tongue ran along my bottom lip, and I obediently opened my mouth to let him in. He tasted like rum, and he kissed me like he was searching for something and trying to devour me at the same time. 

The kiss ended as quickly as it had begun, and it if weren't for the way my lips felt a little swollen, I would have barely believed it had even happened. Zac's eyes were a complete blank. He seemed entirely emotionless, and I was scared to even ask what he was thinking.

He didn't speak. He pulled me close again, this time snuggling up against me. The smell of liquor was all around me, making me feel a little fuzzy even though I hadn't consumed any of it. A wisp of Zac's hair tickled the side of my face, but I was too in shock to even try to brush it away.

We lay there for a long time, neither of us speaking, and I had no clue what to think. Finally, Zac let out a soft snore against the side of my face, and I realized he had fallen asleep... or passed out. Either way, he was out cold. I lifted the arm he had wrapped around me and he didn't even stir. 

Slowly and carefully, I extricated myself from his grasp and stood up. He looked strangely peaceful and it tugged at my heart, but I knew I couldn't stay. This time, it was my turn to slip away while Zac slept.


	9. Undertow

I spent the drive to Memphis hiding in my bunk. I didn't want to face Zac after that drunken kiss. Even though his words had been slurred, he seemed to know exactly what he was doing when he kissed me. Still, I was sure that if he was sober, he wouldn't have admitted all the things he did about his marriage. Although he still left a lot unsaid, I could read between the lines and see that things weren't perfect, and I was certain he didn't want me to know that.

If I could, I would avoid letting him ever find out that I did know.

I managed to successfully avoid him until well into the afternoon. Since we got into Memphis so early, Annalee and I ended up with a lot of free time. After a little sight seeing on Beale Street, we headed back to the venue to relax until the show. Minglewood Hall was in a strange sort of plaza with a bunch of other businesses, and I eventually found myself around the back of the building, leaning against the railing. From there, I could just barely see the river in the distance. It was such a cliché thing, but I'd always been drawn to bodies of water. My mom, who was into all sorts of new age stuff, said it was because I was a Pisces. I wasn't as into that stuff as she was, but I had to admit my sign fit me pretty well—that was why my fourth tattoo had been a set of fish, one on each foot. I was perfectly happy letting myself drift downstream, but I knew it was all too easy to let the current pull me under, too.

Although I hadn't heard the door open or close, I suddenly felt the warmth of someone standing next to me. Somehow, even before I turned to look, I knew who it was. I remembered that warmth and his scent, even though the latter had been buried under several shots of rum the night before.

“Zac,” I said. “I didn't know you were there.”

“I didn't know _you_ were _here_ ,” he countered. “What are you doing?”

I shrugged. “Just thinking, I guess.”

“About what?” He asked. There was something off about his demeanor, and I couldn't quite put my finger on what. Something... distant. Unfamiliar. Nothing like the night before.

“About... water, I guess,” I replied, soliciting a confused look from Zac. “I dunno, I'm a Pisces. It's a thing.”

“Is that what the fish are all about?” He asked, pointing to my feet. Each foot had a slightly different koi fish, in shades of blue and pink. Together, they formed the symbol for my sign.

“Tay's a Pisces...” Zac replied, but I could tell his mind was elsewhere. A second later, he brushed back my hair, revealing my first tattoo, the three brightly colored stars behind my ear. “This one... what's this one about?”

“Teenage rebellion,” I replied, trying not to tremble at Zac's touch.

His head had rested right against those tattoos the night before, his hair brushing my neck. I wondered if he remembered. As he pulled back and stared at me, his eyes growing hazy, I had a feeling realization was hitting him right as I watched.

“Did you... were you in my room last night?” He asked, but I could see in his eyes that he already knew the answer.

“Yeah. You were shitfaced.”

Zac nodded, as though that explained everything, and I supposed it did. He gave a little snort and shook his head. “Well, whatever happened... like you said, I was shitfaced. That's all.”

I could only stare at him, open mouthed. Even though I should have expected him make excuses and apologize, I didn't expect him to brush me off so easily. He was so dismissive, so callous.

“I mean, I'm pretty sure I remember trying to warn you that I'm probably not to be trusted. _Especially_ when I'm drunk.”

“That seems hypocritical, to warn me of that when you're drunk,” I couldn't help pointing out.

Zac just rolled his eyes. “You don't know me. You don't know my life, no matter what you think. Don't go assuming shit or putting words in my mouth.”

I could only gape at him. When had I done any of that? He was the one who spewed his sob story to me. Now he was accusing me? It made no sense. This cold side of him chilled me to the bone, though, and I shied away from arguing with him. There was little I could do but stutter helplessly. “I didn't... I wasn't...”

“Yeah, well, _don't_. Just don't,” he spat.

As Zac turned and walked away from me down the street, everything that had happened the night before flashed through my mind. I _knew_ he was drunk; I wasn't stupid. That didn't mean everything he said and did had to be a lie, though. Did it? Sometimes alcohol brought out the truth, I knew it did. The words he'd said, when they weren't slurred practically beyond recognition, painted a picture of a lost, lonely boy. But sober, Zac has too much pride to admit to any of that. 

Maybe. But maybe he was just drunk and did something he truly didn't want to do and would never have done sober.

Some of his last few words before kissing me echoed in my mind.

_“Why do you want to be my friend, Colby?”_

I stared at the door his figure vanishing around the corner. The real answer to his question was that I didn't. But it was too late. He'd taken hold of me already and pulled me under. I had no doubt at all that he would let me drown before all was said and done.

****

I did my best to avoid Zac for the rest of the night and on into the next day. If he didn't want me to assume things or even _do_ anything, then that was exactly what he was going to get from me.

Nothing.

When he was in the back of the bus playing his video games, I stayed at the front. I forced myself to sleep in my bunk, or at least lay wide awake in it, when I knew he was still awake. I wouldn't let myself go anywhere near that back lounge if there was a chance Zac would be there.

On the way to New Orleans, though, a brief stretch of time passed without him hovering around and seemingly occupying more than his share of space. I found myself drawn to the back of the bus where someone had left a guitar haphazardly propped against the couch. It looked like one of Taylor's, and that sort of ditzy carelessness was something I had already come to associate with him, even though I didn't know him all that well.

I knew I shouldn't pick it up and start playing it, but I wanted to. It wasn't right, though. It wasn't mine and I hadn't asked. I was pretty sure he was still inside the gas station. I resolved to ask him when he came back out. If he said no, I imagined I would spend the rest of the tour hating myself for not bringing my guitar. For some reason, it hadn't seemed like a practical thing to pack considering the fact that I would be surrounded by other musicians.

“Go on,” a voice said, making me jump.

I was caught by strong, unfamiliar arms, and I turned my head to see that they were attached to Taylor. He chuckled and placed me back onto the floor as steadily as possible. Blushing, I said, “Sorry, you scared me a little.”

“Yeah, and you were about to start drooling on my guitar, too. I think I got here right in time.”

I tilted my head as I stared at him, trying to figure out if Taylor was being flirty or not. I had already learned that it was hard to tell with him. Flirtatious words just seemed to fall out of his mouth no matter who he was talking to; it didn't mean anything in particular if they were directed toward you. At the same time, of course, it made you feel special. Taylor was the perfect lead singer that way.

He nudged me toward the couch. “Go on, I know you play. If you're good, maybe we'll let you open for the next tour.”

“Well, guitar isn't my specialty, but...” I said, taking a seat and picking up the guitar.

It was in tune, not surprisingly, but since it wasn't mine, it didn't really _feel_ right in my hands. Still, it played just the same, and soon I was racking my brain for something to play that wasn't just a few random notes. I landed on Layla, because I always fell back to classic rock; that was, after all, what my parents had raised me on and taught me to play first. 

_What'll you do when you get lonely  
And nobody's waiting by your side?  
You've been running and hiding much too long.  
You know it's just your foolish pride. _

“Not bad,” Taylor said. He hummed along softly for a moment. “You alright, though? I mean, enjoying the tour so far?”

I shrugged, but the sour note I hit said it all. “It's... taking some getting used to.”

Taylor nodded knowingly, which made me want to laugh. I doubted he even remembered what it was like to be new to touring, and surely he didn't know what had happened with Zac. Once again, that was just Taylor. He knew how to connect with people, or at least seem as though he were making a real connection. Somehow, he still made me feel like I could spill my guts to him. But I didn't.

_I tried to give you consolation  
When your old man had let you down.  
Like a fool, I fell in love with you,  
Turned my whole world upside down. _

“You'll love it eventually,” he said. “I mean, it's tough being away from your family, but there's nothing like being on the road, being on stage...”

“Well, I wouldn't know about being on stage,” I replied.

“Maybe not right now, but don't you perform at all?”

I shrugged. “A little bit. Plenty of recitals when I was younger, and the performances I had to be graded on in college. But I'm more of a behind the scenes person.”

“Well, then we'll have to work on that,” Taylor said with a smile. 

“Yeah, you do that,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I'll come out and play Mmmbop with you guys, how about that?”

“Why Mmmbop?”

Sheepishly, I admitted, “It's the only one I really know. I mean, aside from a couple of the new ones, like Juliet...”

I trailed off then, hating myself for inadvertently bringing the conversation to Zac. Taylor couldn't know what I was thinking, of course, but it didn't matter. I'd already managed to lose my train of thought and upset myself, and surely Taylor could see that. I looked away from him for a moment, and when I glanced back his brow was furrowed.

“Well, why don't you play me something else? Something you do know?”

After a moment's thought, I decided on Gypsy by Fleetwood Mac. It had always been one of my mom's favorites, and it still hurt a little to play. I didn't know why I had picked it just then, when I could barely even bring myself to sing the words without choking up.

_And it all comes down to you  
Well, you know that it does  
Well, lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice  
Ah, and it lights up the night  
And you see your gypsy _

I had just made it to the second chorus when a shadow appeared in the door. My fingers slipped when I saw that it was Zac. When he saw me, his face darkened and I nearly stopped playing entirely. He turned and left so quickly that I almost wondered if I had imagined the entire thing or at least the strange expression on his face.

I turned back to Taylor, whose face mirrored my own confusion. He gave me a gentle nudge and picked up humming the melody again the urge me on. 

Although I kept playing, my heart wasn't in it. I didn't understand what had happened at all. Zac was such a strange, brooding enigma to me. I didn't understand at all what I had done to upset him now, and I didn't trust him to ever tell me the truth about it. I wished I could just be done caring what Zac thought of me, but I knew already that time would never come.

_And if I was a child  
And the child was enough  
Enough for me to love  
Enough to love _


	10. Like It Hurt

New Orleans was hot. New Orleans was _fucking_ hot. It felt like every time I turned around, I needed to change clothes and take another shower so that I didn't offend everyone around me. Not that most of them would have minded all that much; they didn't seem to shower that often, and anyway, no one was getting that close to me, least of all Zac.

When Taylor invited me to join everyone at Coyote Ugly after the concert, I didn't say yes at first. I had avoided the bars, despite only having seen Zac so drunk that one time. The rest of time, he seemed to keep to himself. Since he was so intent on avoiding me, I figured it was safe to go to the bar just one time.

But no. Of course it wasn't. 

He was there, already on what looked like his third or fourth beer, by the time Annalee and I walked in, freshly showered and changed into our third outfits of the day. Something about the way his eyes lingered on me made me wish I'd worn more layers, in spite of the awful sticky heat. I settled for crossing my hands over my chest, only uncrossing them to pay for my rum and coke.

The entire crew took up two tables, so I was spared from having to sit at the same table with Zac. I could still feel his eyes on me all night, as if he were trying to bore holes in me with them. I didn't understand why he always seemed so angry with me. It had begun well before that kiss, but it seemed to have gotten even worse since, in spite of the fact that _he_ had kissed _me_. If I ever worked up the nerve to speak to him again, I decided I would mention that important detail.

As the night wore on, the opportunity never seemed to present itself. The guys at my table, including Taylor, the opening act, Paul, and several members of the crew, kept me as distracted as they could from Zac. Of course they didn't know that was what they were doing when they talked to me about music, New York, tattoos and whatever else, but it served that purpose nevertheless. When Taylor started asking me to dance, mostly jokingly, I didn't see any real reason to turn him down.

Some loud pop song was pumping through the speakers as Taylor pulled my body close to his. I knew he had a wife, but I wasn't concerned. He was a flirt. I had learned this about him already. I doubted there was ever anything genuine behind his flirtations.

_If you can't hear what I'm trying to say  
If you can't read from the same page  
Maybe I'm going deaf,  
Maybe I'm going blind  
Maybe I'm out of my mind _

Still, it was nice to have him pay attention to me. Even if it meant nothing, I liked the way he swished and swayed next to me, the way he put his hand on the small of my back and pulled me closer so that he could practically grind against me. 

The cat calls from our section of the room caught my ear even over the music, and my head spun around to look. Muff was offering Taylor a big thumbs up and an exaggerated wink, which only made Taylor throw back his head and laugh. 

_OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you  
But you're an animal, baby it's in your nature  
Just let me liberate you _

It wasn't the cat calls that upset me, though. It was the expression on Zac's face. Even worse than the glare I'd seen him give me before, this expression was full of judgment. I hated it. What right did he have to get upset that I was dancing with Taylor? 

That was the only explanation I could think of for the way he looked at me. When he realized I'd caught him, he shook his head and looked away. While Zac downed the rest of his beer, I turned back to Taylor and slipped my arms around his neck. I didn't want to look at Zac again. Ever. Or at least not until he could admit that I wasn't the one in the wrong.

_I hate these blurred lines  
I know you want it  
I hate them lines  
I know you want it _

****

After several more dances and drinks, I could barely focus my mind enough to remember how upset I was with Zac. He was still there, though, brooding and threatening to bring everyone else's mood down. Once I finally left the dance floor, I could feel his eyes on me. I couldn't escape them during the walk back to the hotel, either. We were all too drunk to attempt to find a cab, but Taylor was certain he could navigate our way back to the hotel. I found myself walking as close to him as I could, trying to ignore the feeling of Zac's eyes on my back.

Our hotel was just off Canal Street and it made me long to come back to New Orleans some time when I really had time to explore the city. I knew I could go sight seeing the next day, before we had to leave, and I decided to make the best of what little time I had. The farther I could get away from Zac, the better.

There was something strange in the air that night, stranger than all the alcohol fumes coming off our stumbling crew and stranger even than Zac's stares. Maybe it was just something about New Orleans, some weird magic built into the city. It made you feel like anything at all could and would happen on those streets. I couldn't decide if I liked that feeling or not.

Although my feet were sore and my body ached all over, the alcohol numbed all of that enough that the walk back to the hotel seemed to pass quickly. Soon we were inside, trying to remember how to get back to our rooms. There were multiple elevators, all of them taking their sweet time returning to the first floor. We filled several of them, until somehow as luck would have it, Zac and I were the only ones left waiting.

I was tempted to just let him take the next elevator that came and remain on the spot until another one came. But I didn't. I stood on the spot and waited, doing my best to stare at anything but Zac.

“So what, do you just like married men?” He asked as the elevator slowly ticked its way down to the ground floor. 

“What?” I asked in shock. I'd heard him, but the words didn't make their way entirely through the thick cloud of alcohol in my mind.

“I'm just saying, I can't tell if it's married men or Hanson brothers you have a fetish for,” Zac replied.

“Believe me, I'm not a fan of either,” I replied, giving him a pointed look that I instantly regretted because of the intensity of his stare. “Especially right now.”

“Aww, am I hurting your feelings?”

The elevator arriving gave me a perfect excuse to ignore that question, but of course Zac followed me onto it.

Before the door had even shut, he asked, “What's your problem with me?”

“I don't have a problem,” I lied, stabbing the button for our floor angrily. “But you might want to think about the fact that you get so obsessed with me when you're fucked up.”

“Obsessed with you?” He replied with a dismissive snort. 

I shrugged. “Asking me to stay with you, kissing me... staring at me all fucking night... just starts to look a little bit like _you're_ the one with the problem, not me.”

“And you weren't throwing yourself at Taylor just to get my attention?”

“Why the hell would I think that would get your attention?” I asked.

Even as the words left my mouth, I realized the answer. Zac's face said that he realized he'd said too much, too. He was _jealous_.

“I'm just saying...” he half-mumbled, clearly losing steam to argue. “You could do better than Taylor.”

“So show me better and I'll do it,” I replied. It was both an innuendo and a little bit of a dare, and I didn't want to admit that I hoped Zac took the bait.

He glanced above the door at the numbers ticking off. Three floors left. He glanced back at me and I felt like I was melting, both from the heat of the city and the heat of Zac's eyes. With his eyes locked on mine, I almost didn't even realize he was advancing upon me... not until my back hit the elevator wall and Zac's chest was pressed against mine, his hands planted on either side of my head.

This time, he tasted like beer, and it was a fitting taste to go with his bitter, angry words. Even realizing he was jealous didn't sweeten it any. What did it matter if he was? He took that jealousy out on me with his words and his rough kisses. 

And oh, were his kisses rough. He sucked my bottom lip until I thought it might bruise, then probed my mouth mercilessly with his tongue. I didn't know what he was searching for, but I doubted he was going to find it down my throat. 

When the elevator dinged to announce our arrival on the fourteenth floor, I realized he wasn't trying to find something. He was trying to _show_ me something.

Better. He was trying to show me _better_.

I clung to him, not caring that the elevator doors were opening and closing. I wanted him to know that I got the message. Zac hadn't even paused when the elevator stopped. He let his lips move to my neck and I couldn't stop myself from letting out a little moan. I knew we were taking a risk every time the door opened again, but I didn't care. I tangled my hand in his hair and let him kiss me as long as he wanted.

When he finally pulled away, I realized that my whole body was shaking. In spite of the heat and the fire Zac had ignited in my blood, cold chills had taken me over. 

Zac didn't take his eyes off mine as he backed off the elevator into the hallway. I followed him, but I knew I couldn't, shouldn't follow all the way to his room. I wanted to, though. I wanted to see just how much better he thought he could be. From his kisses alone, I had a feeling he would be better than any other guy I'd ever been with.

But it was wrong. We couldn't be together. We shouldn't have even kissed, and I knew that when he sobered up, he would remember that.

It was irrelevant to even think about, because he didn't ask me to follow him. He didn't say a word. His eyes, though they bored into me, were unreadable. I didn't want to assume that he wanted to see this all the way through.

So I didn't follow him.

I turned around and walked the opposite direction, toward my room. I was certain Zac watched me the entire way, but when I glanced back before opening my door, he was gone.


	11. Tangled

Somehow, I managed to avoid seeing Zac for more than a few seconds at a time for the rest of our stay in New Orleans. If I had been forced to be near him any longer, I had no clue what I would have said or done. What he did during our day off, I didn't know. I didn't really care to find out. I spent it exploring the city, making all sorts of stupid impulse buys and trying really hard not to think about him.

Once we settled into for the bus ride to Austin, I resumed my routine of waiting in my bunk until the bus fell silent, then creeping to the back lounge where I could actually sleep. The lights had already been shut off, but I knew my way around well enough to find the couch in the dark. I couldn't, however, see that someone else was sitting on it.

“I thought you might come back here,” Zac said.

I blinked in the general direction of his voice, waiting for my eyes to adjust so that I could see him. Slowly, they did. “What do you want? I'm trying to sleep here.”

“I want to talk. To apologize, I guess.”

“You guess?” I asked.

“And to explain,” he replied. “Please, can we just talk.”

“You can talk. I'm probably going to sleep.” With that, I plopped down on the couch across from him, put my pillow in place and pulled my blanket over my body. I wanted Zac to see that I was serious about sleeping and ignoring him.

I could hear him shuffling around in the dark, but it wasn't until the couch sank under his weight that I realized he'd come over to join me. I supposed he wanted to be sure I stayed awake. He was going to annoy me into listening to what I was certain would be a half-assed apology, it seemed.

“Come on, scoot over,” he said, nudging me with his elbow. It landed hard in my side, and I just barely resisted the urge to shove him into the floor.

Instead, I did as I was told and pulled my legs up to my chest to let him sit down on the other edge of the couch. I pulled myself up into something closer to a seated position, even though I doubted I was really going to pay that much attention to him.

“Look, I just...” He began, then sighed angrily. “You seem like a nice girl, alright? And you're new to... all of this. Maybe I just... want to protect you, I guess.”

“I know I'm friends with her, but I'm not _actually_ your little sister,” I replied.

Zac snorted. “Thank god for that.”

I didn't have to guess what that meant, but I didn't feel like dwelling on it, either. “Look, you don't have to protect me from anything. Or anyone.”

“Yeah, I do,” he replied.

“Who, your brother? You really think I have any interest in Taylor? Please.”

In the dark, I could only just make out Zac's shaking head. “Not Taylor. Don't you get it? I'm trying to protect you from _me_.”

“You're not doing a very good job,” I squeaked out.

“I know,” he replied, and I could feel him shifting closer to me. Somehow, he'd managed to find his way under my covers without me even noticing. I could feel his bare legs rubbing against mine, and I knew that meant he was lounging around the bus in his underwear again. 

“M-maybe... maybe you should just let me make my own mistakes,” I replied. I remembered being even more bold in the elevator, but right then I could barely get the words out.

“Maybe,” he echoed, easing me backward ever so slightly. “Is this a mistake you want to make?”

I had a choice then, and I could see it clearly. I could lie to Zac and spare everyone from getting hurt. Or I could tell Zac the truth, and lying to everyone else would only be the first way that I hurt them. In the end, it didn't seem like it mattered which I chose—both were bound to screw us over one way or another.

“Yeah. It is.”

The words had barely left my mouth before Zac found it, his lips latching onto mine perfectly even in the darkness. He slipped his tongue into my mouth as he eased me back until I was laying down entirely. His legs pinned me to the couch, one planted firmly on the outside of my left thigh, the other nudging my legs apart. I knew I hadn't locked the door, but I didn't dare ask Zac to stop so that I could. If we stopped now, we might never start again. I didn't know how far this was going to go, though. Surely we couldn't go all the way right there where anyone could walk in. Could we?

“Zac, we... I mean, anyone could hear...” I gasped out.

“So you'll have to be quiet,” he replied and I swore I could _hear_ him smirk.

Before I could object to that, although I wasn't entirely sure that I even wanted to object, his hand began to creep down my chest. I had no doubt where his eventual destination was, and I had to bite my lip not to make a sound when he found it, his hand snaking into my pajama shorts and coming to rest on the outside of my panties.

“You're wet,” he whispered, like it was some secret revelation, as though I wasn't acutely aware of how much he had turned me on with just a few kisses.

I only nodded in reply, my teeth still digging into my lip. When Zac let his hand creep inside my panties, I thought I might draw blood. He trailed his finger through my wetness, just teasing, before he found the spot he was looking for. A gasp forced itself out of my mouth in spite of my efforts to stay quiet. Zac pressed his lips to mine, presumably to shut me up, and slipped one finger into me. It met no resistance, since as he had pointed out I was wetter than I could ever remember being in my life.

Zac pulled back and stared at me as he fingered me, his thumb finding my clit while he continued moving one, then two fingers in and out of me. He was good. He was _damn_ good. I wasn't surprised; he was older and probably more experienced than me. There was just a hint of innocence about him, though. His eyes were trained on my face, watching the way his touch was effecting me. I could have sworn he was getting off just on watching _me_ get off.

And I did. When it became too intense, I slammed my eyes shut and threw my head back. My mouth hung limply open, though amazingly no sound escaped it other than a hoarse, whispered moan. Zac pressed his lips to my throat, and that was the last push I needed to go tumbling off the edge. 

“Zac...” I gasped out. His name was the only sound I could make even if I tried, it seemed.

“Shh...” he warned me, pulling his fingers out of me agonizingly, teasingly, slowly. 

I watched breathlessly as he pulled his fingers up to his mouth and licked them clean. It was almost more obscene than everything he'd just done to me. 

I suddenly wondered if he wanted me to return the favor, but I didn't have to wonder long. He leaned down and kissed the side of my face, then curled up at my side as though he planned to sleep there. I knew it was a bad idea, but I was sure he would slip away as he had every other night we'd spent not quite so close together in the lounge.

As Zac cuddled up against me, twisting up like a pretzel around me so both our bodies would fit on the narrow couch, I was in a daze. I thought I was only thinking to myself, but a few words slipped out. “What the fuck just happened?”

“I know you're pretty young, but I think you're old enough to answer that for yourself,” Zac replied, chuckling.

I rolled my eyes, even though he probably couldn't see me do it. “I just mean... you're _married_ , Zac. Your wife is—” 

“Trust me, I know what she is.”

His words were full of so much vitriol that they shut me up quickly. Of course I'd suspected that his marriage had problems, especially after his drunken confessions, but I couldn't have guessed those problems were bad enough that he would cheat on his wife when she was due in less than two months.

“Look, I'm not... I know what I said, but I _don't_ do this all the time. Or ever, really. Before we got engaged, when things were still on again, off again... but since we're been married, I've tried my best to be good to her, in every way that I could.”

“I'm not sure what you want me to do with that information,” I replied.

Zac sighed. “I'm not sure, either.”

“Can we just not talk about it, then? It's not going to accomplish anything.” Even though I had a billion questions, I knew there were no answers Zac could give me that would make what we had done okay. Nothing he could say would make the fact that I was falling for him okay. Nothing would change the fact that he wouldn't, couldn't be mine.

“Yeah, alright,” he replied, then cuddled up even closer and kissed my forehead. “Let's just get some sleep.”

It seemed that only seconds after the words left his mouth, Zac was asleep. I envied his ability to drift off so easily, as though he didn't have a care in the world. Maybe he didn't. Maybe cheating on his wife had, in some strange way, freed his mind.

It had done the exact opposite to mine.

No part of me was free now. Now that I'd had a taste, every inch of me, inside and out, was calling out for Zac. He'd ignited a desire that I feared he could never fulfill, never quench, even if he gave me everything he had to give.

But what did he even _want_ to give me? It was a question I was terrified to ask. We might have been smoking buddies, but we were really hardly even friends at all. I couldn't delude myself into thinking he had any real romantic feelings for me. As unbelievable as it was that someone as gorgeous as Zac could ever have any interest in me, I had to conclude that this thing between wasn't purely sexual. 

Maybe it wasn't even about me. He was away from home, away from a wife who probably wasn't in any condition to have a lot of sex. He was just satisfying a need, the same need he'd admitted to satisfying when their relationship had been on the rocks in the past.

But no... he had tried to tell me that this was a first, hadn't he? That he'd never truly cheated on her before. If that was true, what made this pregnancy so different than the first two that he would need, for the first time, something his wife wasn't giving him?

Maybe it _was_ about me. 

It was impossible to know. Even if I asked him, I knew I wouldn't trust the answer he gave me.

In spite of my troubled thoughts, I did eventually fall asleep. It was a surprisingly deep sleep, the roar of the bus's engine the warm comfort of Zac's body lulling me to sleep and keeping me there. When I finally woke, light was streaming in the bus window. I tried to stretch, but didn't make it very far. I realized Zac hadn't left. He was still wrapped around me, still snoring. I wiggled out of his grip just a little, doing the best I could to loosen the hold he had on me. I was sure we had to wake up soon, and that meant people would be looking him in his bunk.

Before I could rouse him, the lounge door slid open. There was no point in trying to move or pretend to be asleep. We were caught.

Staring down at us was Taylor, his eyes wide and full of confusion and disbelief.

“Umm,” was all I could manage to say.


	12. Used To It

For a long moment, Taylor and I just stared at each other. Zac barely stirred beside me. Considering how deeply he seemed to sleep, that didn't come as a surprise at all.

“It's not... We were... playing video games, and I guess... we just passed out,” I finally squeaked out, certain that Taylor would be able to tell it was a lie.

He nodded. “Well, you should, umm, get up soon.”

I stared up at him, not really believing that he had bought my lie. I tried to silently plea with him that if he didn't buy it, he at least kept quiet about what he'd seen.

“Hey, whatever happened... it's none of my business,” he finally said, throwing his hands up as a show of innocence. “But you guys should probably get up soon.”

“Yeah, okay,” I replied, adding a silent _thank you_ as Taylor turned to leave.

A loud thump came from somewhere else on the bus, and it was that sound that finally woke Zac from his coma-like sleep. Although his eyes fluttered open and shut a few times, he only moved _closer_ to me rather than farther away.

“Mmm, Katie,” he mumbled.

I froze and stiffened against him, and his eyes finally opened all the way. The look in them made it blatantly obvious that he knew he'd called me the wrong name. I tried to ignore the disappointment I was sure I could see in them.

“We have to get up,” I said, not meeting his eyes.

“Is it... did I stay back here all night?”

I nodded, biting my lip in anticipation of what I was sure wouldn't be a good response.

“Oh,” he said, his voice entirely void of emotion. 

“Taylor saw us,” I admitted.

I hadn't wanted to tell him that, but I figured he needed to know. What if Taylor said something to him about it? Even the thought of lying to Zac by omission bothered me. It was silly, since I realized all the lies we would have to tell everyone else to cover this up. But lying to Zac... I didn't think I could do it.

Zac stared at me for a moment, his eyelids blinking rapidly as he tried to both wake up and process my words. “Oh. Well, fuck.”

It wasn't eloquent, but it summed up my feelings on the matter as well.

“I guess I should just go, then,” Zac said.

He untangled his limbs from mine and climbed off the couch before I could complain. And why should I have? We couldn't risk being caught together again, and I certainly didn't have any claim on him. I had to let him go.

****

“So, you're really having fun on tour?” Avery asked for what felt like the millionth time. I knew she didn't quite believe me, because I just couldn't find it in myself to be very enthusiastic. “Where are you guys now—Texas, right?”

“Yeah, we just got to Austin this morning, and we're going to Dallas tomorrow. We actually get to stay in a hotel tonight. What a luxury.”

Avery giggled. “Still not used to sleeping on the bus, huh?”

I hadn't meant to lead us down that path, but it was too late. My mind flashed back to the night before, and the way Zac had touched me. The way he knew exactly which buttons to press to make me feel like I was going to scream... the way he curled up around me as though we'd shared a bed for years... the way he ran away so quickly after calling me by his wife's name.

“Colby? You still there? I know signal is spotty in some of those venues...”

“No, I'm... I'm still here,” I replied, shaking my head to try to make those thoughts of Zac vanish. “Yeah, I'm not really... I don't think I'm really cut out for sleeping on tour buses.”

“Few people are. The rest of us just have to get used to it,” she said.

“Well, who knows if I'll even get the chance to get used to it?” As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them.

I hadn't really thought past this tour. I knew the offer to move to Tulsa for an internship at 3CG was still on the table, and this tour was being treated as some sort of initiation or on the job training. But I still felt like I had the option to back out. Did I _want_ to back out? Until I asked that question of myself, I hadn't thought so. Now I wasn't so sure.

“I mean, I just can't imagine that I ever will get used to it, no matter how many times I'm on a tour bus,” I said, hoping to cover my tracks well enough.

“Just take it one tour at a time,” Avery replied. It was a strangely cryptic, but sage, reply for someone as peppy as her. I wondered how much she really could see—or hear, rather—through my facade.

“I guess,” I said. “Anyway, I've gotta get start setting up for the concert.”

“Okay, give me a call the next time you have a day off or some free time? And tell Ike and I said congrats on the new baby.”

“Yeah, definitely,” I replied.

We finished saying goodbye and I hung up as quickly as possible. While I _did_ have to start setting up the merch booth soon, it wasn't as urgent as I'd made it sound. The truth was, I just feared that if I kept talking to Avery, she was going to figure out that something was wrong. Even if Taylor had some suspicions now, no one else needed to know what had happened between Zac and I. Definitely not his little sister. She would hate me, I was sure of it. There was a reason she'd been so guarded about who her family was, after all. It wasn't that she didn't trust _me_ in particular—she didn't even know yet that I'd given her reason not to—but the possibility for someone to take advantage of her to get closer to her brothers had to always be there. So she couldn't know about Zac. She just couldn't.

I'd wasted enough time talking to Avery that I knew I was running late getting set up for the evening, and Annalee would no doubt be looking for me soon. Merch seemed to be the one aspect of the whole tour that kept to our schedule and rarely, if ever, ran late.

Despite Zac's complaints about me, no one could say that I didn't do my job well. I was starting to suspect that those complaints weren't based on anything but feelings he didn't want to have and had decided to take out on me.

I could worry about that later. Right then, I had a job to do.

Because we were in Texas, one of the few states where the band would soon be selling their beer, we'd been instructed to put out the t-shirts and glasses, just to remind fans they'd be able to buy the beer soon, too. Those had stayed deep in storage so far, and I knew it would take some digging to find them. Before heading out to do just that, I poked my head into the front of the venue to find Annalee and tell her where I was going. I couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief that I didn't see Zac.

It was odd not to want to see him after what we had done, but that was exactly how I felt. If I blushed just thinking about last night on the bus couch, I could only imagine how red my cheeks would turn if I were face to face with Zac. I knew I couldn't avoid him for the rest of the tour, but I could throw myself into my work and hide until the memory of what we'd done wasn't so fresh in my mind.

Of course, as soon as I stepped outside, I spotted Zac. He was several yards away, with his back to me, and it took me a second to realize he was on his cell phone. For a moment, I just stood dumbly and watched him pace the parking lot, head bowed as he talked to someone I could only assume was his wife.

His wife... every time I remembered her existence, I felt sick to my stomach. Even though she did seemingly hate my guts, she didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to sit at home, Zac's child growing inside of her, and be clueless about his infidelity. 

Not that I wanted her to know, either. If it were up to me, no one at all would know.

I became so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't even notice when Zac turned and began to pace back toward me. Even from a distance I could see the expression on his face change as his eyes locked on me. His smile vanished, replaced by a scowl I was certain I had done nothing to deserve.

Before he could do something stupid like hang up on his wife and come talk to me, I hurried on to the trailer and did my best to look busy. I knew I couldn't pull off uninterested, but maybe busy would be enough to keep him away for the moment.

What I didn't count on, though, was how heavy the boxes of Mmmhops merch would be. I hauled the t-shirts out with no problem and just barely made it to the pavement outside the trailer with the box of glasses. That was, to my great frustration, as far as I could go. I was certain that no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn't make it into the building with that box.

I hadn't even heard Zac approach, so I jumped a little when he swooped down upon me and scooped up the box like it was full of little more than air. “Here, let me help you.”

“I don't need your help,” I replied stubbornly, in spite of the evidence to the contrary.

“Sure you don't,” Zac said, then took off toward the venue doors.

I could do little more than pick up the box of t-shirts and follow him.

My face felt like it was burning as I trailed behind Zac. At least he couldn't see my embarrassment as long as his back was turned to me. I still felt like a pathetic little puppy dug chasing after him.

He dropped the box of glasses a little more roughly than necessary, making me wince at the way they clinked and banged together. Annalee frowned, but didn't say anything to him. Instead, she focused her attention on me.

“We should probably put out two boxes of shirts,” she said, then gave me a hopeful look. “Do you mind fetching another?”

“Not at all,” I replied. I was just glad to be away from Zac.

I handed over the first box to Annalee, then turned to make my way back through the venue's backstage area and out to the parking lot. Zac had slipped away at some point, and I was perfectly fine with that.

That particular venue was laid out like a maze, and I struggled to remember the way to the back door. I counted off the turns in my head, hoping that two lefts and a right would take me where I needed to go. As I rounded the last corner, I thought I should have seen the door, but I didn't see anything but someone's broad chest.

I knew before I even looked up that I'd run into Zac. That was just my luck.

“Colby,” he gasped out, sounding just as flustered as I felt. Was it possible? Could Zac really be as shaken up by my existence as I was his?

I could only stare up at him. I didn't have a single word for Zac right then. Vaguely, I realized that I was breathing heavily and my heart was pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears. But Zac's chest was heaving just as much. 

For a moment that seemed to last forever, we just stared at each other. I was only somewhat aware of Zac advancing upon me, backing me into some alcove I hadn't even seen. I jumped a little, but Zac hadn't left me much room to move. When he leaned down to kiss me, I could smell cigarettes on his breath, but I didn't mind. Kissing Zac was worth putting up with that taste. Some voice at the back of my mind wondered why I didn't know he smoked, but most of my mind and body was occupied with the way his tongue had snaked its way into my mouth.

I wanted to stay there and kiss him forever, but the sound of loud laughter forced us apart. It sounded far away, though, but Zac's eyes still went wide. He chanced a quick glance out into the hallway, then looked back at me and mouthed the word “stay.”

I wanted to be offended by the way he'd given me a command, but as I watched him make a quick escape, I realized that I really was like a pathetic little puppy dog, chasing after him pointlessly and hopelessly.


	13. Make Me

The hotel in Austin was one of the nicest we'd stayed in. It wasn't anything particularly large, but everything from the plush carpet to the down pillows said luxury. I didn't think I would ever get used to how much money those boys threw around. Even though I had a decent amount of my own money, I didn't spend more than I absolutely had to and it felt especially excessive to let other people waste so much money on me.

Still, the down stuffed comforter and pillow were amazing. As soon as we arrived from the venue, I had fallen headfirst onto the bed nearest the window. Annalee took a shower, but I decided that could wait until the morning.

Not long after Annalee emerged from the bathroom, there was a knock at the door. She answered it, even though she was still in her towel. I held my breath as she swung the door open, dreading the worst, but it was only Taylor.

“Hey, you girls wanna go out tonight? There's a really nice bar right down the street.”

Annalee glanced back at me and shrugged, but I shook my head. I remembered all too well what had happened the last time I'd accepted Taylor's invitation to go out drinking. It might have made Zac kiss me, but I decided I could do without any more of his stupid, jealous rage in my life.

Annalee agreed to go, though, and soon she was dressed and out the door, leaving me all alone. I didn't mind. I had a comfortable bed and exhaustion settling into my bones... which is why I shouldn't have been surprised at all to hear another knock at the door just as I was beginning to drift off.

Only a few minutes had passed, so I knew it couldn't be Annalee returning unless she'd forgotten something. There was only one other option. As soon as I opened the door, I was proven correct—even though I had really wished I wouldn't be.

“What are you doing here, Zac?” I asked, stifling a yawn.

He shrugged. “I wanted to see you.”

“You see me all day,” I replied.

“I really don't. Even when I do, you ignore me.”

“Because I don't know what you _want_ from me,” I said.

“Something I shouldn't want,” he admitted.

I began to close the door in his face. “And you don't think that's a good reason to avoid you?”

“No,” he replied, holding the door firmly open. “I don't. I don't _care_ how wrong it is. I tried to care, but it didn't make it go away.”

Even though he hadn't been all that eloquent, I understood what he meant. Against my better judgment, I let go of the door, silently giving him permission. I hoped Zac understood the gesture.

_Why you standin' so far away?  
Mindin' manners and lookin' on by  
Why don't you come out and play  
And get closer to your animal inside _

He did. He shoved the door open further and stepped into the room. I stood in place and let him advance on me, steeling myself for the moment his lips met mine. It was pointless to try to prepare; every time he kissed me it took my breath away.

As his tongue battled with mine, his hands tangled in my hair and he backed me up against the wall by the door. There was something both protective and a little scary about having Zac's weight pressed up against me. It was more than a little bit hot, too, and I soon found myself scrambling to get even closer to him if possible. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled myself onto my tiptoes. Zac took that as an invitation to grasp my thigh and pull my right leg up until I wrapped it around his waist. My skirt gathered up around my waist, but even through the bunched up fabric I could feel how hard he was. Seconds later, he gripped my other leg and wrapped it around his waist, too. With me wedged between his body and the wall, I didn't even feel in danger of falling; I just tangled my hands in his hair and resumed kissing him.

_Maybe I act like the gentleman that your momma would love, ooh get to know me  
Baby you act like a lady, don't have to cover it up, things you wanna show me  
Make me remember the reason why I wanted your love, teach me slowly  
I think you're ready to try, walk a little closer and... _

“Colbs...” he mumbled, pulling back. “Tell me to stop.”

I started at him, confused. There was something strange and pleading in his eyes, but I didn't fully understand it. After a moment, I shook my head. We'd come too far; I couldn't turn him away now.

Slowly, he nodded. “Okay.”

He kissed me with renewed energy then, holding me tightly. I was still wrapped around him completely as he backed away from the wall. After a moment's hesitation, he carried me toward the bathroom alcove and deposited me on the sink. We worked together to gather up my skirt around my waist. With more of me revealed to him, Zac's hand quickly found its way between my legs, pushing my panties aside and running a finger through my wetness.

“Zac, please...” I gasped out.

“What?” He asked, lazily teasing me with his finger.

I stared at him, stubbornly unwilling to say the actually words to tell him what I wanted. Surely he already knew.

_Now take me to your jungle, I'm not afraid  
And if you're looking for your animal, hop in my cage  
Crawl in and tear off your hide, don't taunt  
Come in, come in, gimme what I don't know I want_

He took his time teasing me, his finger only dipping inside of me a few times before he finally bent down and pulled my panties off. He remained on his knees, shooting me a smirk before leaning in a trailing kisses up my thigh. He licked a path up my thigh and between my legs, and I was infinitely grateful that I didn't have to try to stifle my moans this time.

He stared up at me, eyes locked on mine, as he teased me with his tongue. Two fingers plunged inside me, thrusting slowly but with plenty of force. I braced my hands on the edge of the sink and rested my legs on Zac's shoulders. I couldn't resist the urge to run my fingers through his beautiful hair as he brought me closer and closer to the edge.

For a moment, I feared he would stop, but he didn't. He slid his tongue in and out of me until I was writhing so hard I thought I would fall right off the sink. I dug my heels into his back as I came, but if it bothered Zac, he didn't let it show.

_Show me your teeth and then spread your wings  
Down and dirty, you're loving me so loud  
Rare breed, but you're wild as a stray  
Side show in front of the whole crowd _

I was still panting and seeing stars when he stood up and began to pull his pants down. I watched, struggling to focus, as he nudged his jeans below his ass and pulled his cock out of his boxer briefs. It was already huge, so the few quick tugs he gave it seemed entirely unnecessary to me. He reached back into his back pocket and pulled a condom from his wallet. I watched his cheeks redden adorably as he fumbled to roll it on.

“Umm, I haven't really... I mean, not a for a while...” He mumbled, blushing even more.

I held my hand up to shush him, not wanting to hear about his sex life when we were that close to doing it ourselves. I wanted to tell him I was on the pill anyway, but I didn't think I had regained the power of speech yet.

Once he'd finished rolling the condom on, he stepped in and nudged my legs farther apart. I let them wrap around his thighs as he positioned himself between them. I held my breath as he gripped the base of his dick and guided it into me; all the air was forced from my lungs once he was fully inside me.

For a moment, Zac stood still as a statue, his only movement at all the soft, relieved sigh that fell from his lips. Finally, he began to move, planting his hands on the counter next to mine. He built up his rhythm gradually, taking his time but still clearly enjoying it. I let his hands wander under my tank top until he finally removed it entirely. His hands found the twin sparrows on my hips and planted themselves there, thumbs digging into my flesh.

_Now take me to your jungle, I'm not afraid  
And if you're looking for your animal, hop in my cage  
Crawl in and tear off your hide, don't taunt  
Come in, come in, gimme what I don't know I want_

Zac seemed to last forever, his stamina not exactly surprising considering the nightly workout he got during their concerts. Unlike the first time, he didn't speak—at least not in actual words. Instead, a chorus of beautiful grunts and moans forced their way out of his mouth. When he finally came, his thumbs pressed so hard into my hips that I wondered if they would leaves bruises over the tattoos.

When he pulled out and stepped back, I realized he had been the only thing holding me up. My legs felt like jello and I thought I might fall into the floor. I watched in a daze as he walked into the bathroom, then emerged a moment later with his pants back in place. To my surprise, he walked on into the room instead of leaving.

Carefully, I pulled myself to my feet and followed him, pausing along the way to shed my skirt and pull an oversized shirt and my discarded panties on. Zac had sprawled across my bed, somehow knowing which it was, one hand behind his head and the other scratching his stomach. It felt like a trap, but I laid down next to him anyway.

He brushed my hair back and fingered the tattoos behind my ear. “So these don't mean anything, right?”

“Right,” I replied, trying not to tense under his touch or his questions. If I could have sex with him, surely I could tell him about my tattoos.

“What about this?” He asked, sliding his hand down to my arm.

“Proserpina,” I replied. “Better known as Persephone. But I'm Italian and I had it done in Italy, so...”

“Why Persephone? Or Proserpina?”

I shrugged. “It's always been one of my favorite myths. I don't know. I know she was stolen away to be with Hades, but it is kind of romantic, you know? I mean, she chooses to stay.”

Zac nodded thoughtfully, then poked at my hip. “And the sparrows?”

“I guess I have a thing for birds, too. Sparrows are love birds; I like that. They mate and then just... stay together. Always in pairs. It's an ideal so few people can live up to. And they always come back home. I got them after my high school graduation, sort of to remind me that I wasn't leaving home forever.”

“That's cool,” he replied, then ran his cold feet over mine. I hadn't even noticed that he'd taken his shoes off. “And I already know about the fishies. You hiding any more I haven't seen yet?”

I shook my head. “Nope, that's it. So far, anyway. I doubt these are all I'll ever have.”

Zac nodded thoughtfully again. “What I should I get?”

“Nothing,” I replied quickly. “I mean, if you don't know, then nothing you get will mean all that much to you.”

It was a good explanation, but the truth was that I just couldn't picture him with tattoos. They would only be a pathetic mask or, alternatively, they would lay bare all the things he was obviously trying to hide. On the more superficial side, I just didn't want to see his beautiful skin marred. I couldn't imagine that even the best ink would improve his looks at all. It just wasn't possible.

“Nothing at all, though?” He asked.

“Well, I don't know you well enough to know what would mean something to you.”

“We should fix that,” he said softly, then sighed. “I'm sorry, by the way. For how I've treated you. I was just... I didn't want to want you, but it wasn't your fault. I mean, I guess it kind of is, if I can really blame you for just being you. But it's not right to take that out on you.”

I nodded. It was one of the longest strings of kind words he'd said to me, and I had no idea how to reply. _Want_ was such a loaded word, but I didn't dare hope that any better word described how he felt about me.

Not sure what else to say, I said, “You probably shouldn't spend the night in here. We've already been caught once.”

“Yeah...” He sighed. “I wish I could, though.”

“You do?” I asked, dumfounded by this new show of tenderness from him.

Zac shrugged. “Well, yeah. I slept really well with you on the bus. And it's kind of douchey to just... do that... and leave.”

“You can say it, Zac. We had sex.”

He gave me a glare, but it faded quickly. “I know, I just... well, you know I haven't, like, slept around much. It was the truth when I told you that. I went a little wild as a teenager, but... that was a long time ago.”

“Yeah, you're ancient. Had they even invented oral sex way back then?” I teased.

“They had, but I perfected it,” he replied. “But let me tell you, those pornographic hieroglyphics were pretty hot.”

“Okay, okay,” I said, giggling. “You're really not _that_ much older than me.”

“It feels like decades,” he admitted, his voice turning serious.

In a way, it did, but it didn't bother me. He wasn't the first older guy I'd been with. I had omitted the fact that my Proserpina tattoo was also inspired by that relationship. Maybe I had a type. I decided Zac didn't need to know that.

“But I guess you're right,” he said, sighing heavily. “I shouldn't spend the night, as much as I want to.”

“Yeah...” I replied, pouting. In spite of the fact that I'd been the one to tell Zac to go, I curled up closer to him and wrapped an arm around his waist.

Zac groaned. “Come on, Colbs. Don't make this any harder than it has to be.”

I snorted a little, but resisted the urge to make a dirty joke. “I know, I'm sorry... Annalee has no idea, though. And I _know_ we can trust her, but we shouldn't let her find us together.”

“No, we shouldn't,” he replied softly, then leaned down and kissed me gently. I could taste myself faintly on his lips. “But it's not like we won't see each other tomorrow, right?”

“Right,” I replied. I hated that I was getting choked up and had to practically force the word out.

“Goodnight, Colbs,” he said, then gave me another soft kiss before pulling himself from the bed.

I couldn't watch him go. It didn't take long, since he hadn't really taken any clothes off at all. Far, far too soon I heard the door open and close, and Zac was gone. Even though I knew I would see him again, I knew nothing about it would be the same now that we'd had sex.


	14. Sun and Moon

If anything really changed after Zac and I had sex, I didn't notice. It was hard to, since it seemed he was still doing everything he could to avoid me. I noticed the change in his solo, from a sappy love song to something a little more angsty—still a love song, but a sad one. That had to be a coincidence, I decided.

Why I had let myself be convinced that anything other than sex was happening between us, I didn't know. It was so stupid of me.

It wasn't until we settled into the bus for the drive to Albuquerque that I actually saw Zac for more than a few seconds. He was already planted in the back lounge with his video games when I found him. Although I settled in with a book, I couldn't help stealing glances at Zac and hoping he didn't notice. Up close, the strange marks that I thought I'd seen on his arm when he played piano made no more sense to me, and I couldn't stop myself from asking.

“What's that on your arm?”

His eyes flickered to his arm, as though he'd forgotten the marks were even there, then up to meet my eyes. “It's just a thing we do. I think Tay started it... stands for unity, passion and music. After everything that happened last year, how we almost didn't make this album... I guess it got me thinking about that again. And how I hope we've found all of that again.”

“That's really cool,” I replied. There was something I liked about those three lines, I decided. They were haphazard and a little smudged, but still deliberate.

Zac stared down at his arm for a moment. “I guess this would make a decent tattoo, huh? I mean, it's not very pretty, but...”

“But it's meaningful to you,” I finished for him. “You could add other stuff to it, I guess. To make it prettier.”

“Yeah,” he replied, nodding. “I draw on myself a lot, especially when I get bored.”

“Maybe you should be a tattoo artist then,” I said, grinning a little. 

“Can I draw on you?” He asked softly.

I blinked, replaying his words in my mind a few times before finally replying, “Y-yeah... yeah, sure.”

“Who knows, maybe I can draw your next tattoo,” he said, grinning. “What do you want? And where?”

“I don't know, I hadn't really thought about it...” I replied. A second later, I blurted out, “A sun and moon. And umm, I guess on my back? Since I don't have any there.”

Zac nodded. “Okay, well... why don't you lay down across the couch?”

“Yeah, okay,” I replied, already trembling just as the thought of Zac being so close to me. I was glad I'd worn a dress with a low back; at least I wouldn't have to take off any clothing for this. I didn't think I could handle that at all.

While Zac dug around in his bag for a pen he thought would work on my skin, I shifted around so that I was lying on my stomach on the couch. Zac took a seat on the floor next to me and I willed myself not to turn my head and look at him. If I did that, our faces would be far too close together. There was no way I would be able to resist the urge to kiss him. 

When he ran his hand lightly across my back, I was reasonably certain I might just drop dead on the spot. “Sun and moon, right?” He asked.

“Yeah...” I practically whispered.

_Long dark hair  
That washes over me  
Like a ray of sunlight  
That warms me as I wake  
'Cause I need you now _

As Zac began to draw, the pen tickling my skin and his hand burning hot, I tried to figure out why that had popped into my head as an idea. Of course, it was just a drawing; it wasn't like I was going to go out and get that tattooed onto myself immediately. The words of one of my brand new favorite Hanson songs, of course sung by Zac, popped into my head and I decided that must have been the inspiration. Romeo and Juliet had always been one of my favorite Shakespearean plays anyway.

“I don't know if you wanna get this, but... I think you should definitely get something tattooed on your back,” Zac said softly. The tenderness in his voice surprised me... and turned me on a little.

“Yeah? You think it'll look good?”

His hand paused for a moment. “Yeah... yeah, definitely. Not that you're not already... beautiful...”

Before I could stop myself, I turned my head to face him. He was blushing a little, and that only made him look more beautiful to me. “You... you think I'm...?”

“Well, yeah,” he said, shrugging. “I mean, I wouldn't have—not that that's the _only_ reason I... I just mean, of course I do. After what we did, do you really have to ask if I think you're beautiful?”

“You still can't say it, can you?” I asked. “And honestly, I don't know why we... had sex. I mean, it just... happened.”

Zac nodded. “It did, but... it wasn't like I hadn't been thinking about it. I wanted you; I _want_ you.”

_Nothing ever goes the right way  
Got to live life day by day  
Hearts will bind you they're there to remind you of  
Where you stand _

I could only stare up at him blankly. It seemed obvious, but hearing him actually say the words made it real somehow.

He leaned in closer and lowered his voice. “And I _can_ say it. We fucked, Colby.”

The words he said and the smirk on his lips made me shiver. Before I did something stupid, I turned back around and settled in to let him finish his drawing. His every touch made me shiver, but I tried to fight it so that I wouldn't smudge his drawing. His right hand came to rest on my hip, gently holding me into place, but somehow that didn't stop my trembling at all.

Finally, after what felt like forever, he stopped. “There. I think it's done. Umm, let me take a pic so you can see it...”

I laid perfectly still as Zac took a picture. A second after his phone's camera clicked, he slid the phone onto the couch in front of my face. It was weird to see my body from that angle, but it was the drawing that took my breath away. He'd drawn the sun and moon as one being, their faces connected so that they almost appeared to be kissing. Flames extended from the sun side, while a cluster of stars were grouped around the moon. It was... perfect.

“Can you text me this pic?” I asked. “I just want to hang onto it.”

“Yeah, no problem,” he replied, scooting onto the couch next to me and grabbing his phone. A few seconds later, I felt my phone buzz in my dress's pocket, but I didn't bother looking at it since I already knew the reason why. Zac slid his own phone back into his pocket, then gave me a more serious look. “So, umm... about the whole sex thing...”

He trailed off and I was fairly certain my heart had stopped.

“I don't, umm, I don't know what's happening here, Colbs...” he finally continued. “I'm so out of my depth here, and I don't... I don't know where this is going to go.”

“I don't know either...” I admitted.

Zac pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head. “We'll figure it out, Colbs.”

I wished I could be so certain as he was, but I just didn't see this thing between us ending well. How could it? Still, as long as I was in his arms, I felt a little better.

_I'll never see you home  
'Cause then I'd sleep alone  
Each morning as I wake  
The sun is always brighter when you stay _

****

The next day in Albuquerque, it was sweltering. As much as I didn't want to, I'd scrubbed the ink pen tattoo off in the shower. I didn't want to spend the day with it dripping down my back and staining my clothes. Even wearing a backless shirt wouldn't solve the problem, and it would only expose the fake tattoo to everyone. Somehow it seemed like a thing that needed to stay a secret... like everything else that passed between me and Zac.

Even though I had washed the tattoo off, I couldn't stop staring at the picture of it that Zac had texted me. I had saved the photo to my phone, and I found myself opening it over and over again, whenever I had a spare moment. When a phone call popped up on the screen and blocked my view, I was irrationally angry, until I realized the caller was Avery. I hadn't spoken to her in a few days... not since before...

“Hello?” I said.

“Colby, hey,” she replied. “Hadn't heard from you in a while. I don't even know where you guys _are_ now.”

“Umm, neither do I,” I joked, laughing awkwardly. “No, I think we're in New Mexico. First time I've ever been here.”

“I bet you've been a lot of places on this tour that you've never been before.”

 _You have no idea,_ I thought. Out loud, I said, “Yeah... I've been to Europe, but I've seen very little of the US, especially out west. Guess it was about time to change that.”

“You sound a little more like you're enjoying yourself,” she remarked.

“I do?” I asked. “I guess... yeah, I guess I am.”

“What changed? Just getting into the swing of things?”

“I... umm, yeah, I guess...” I replied. 

Of course I couldn't tell her why things had changed. I hadn't even truly realized that they had. Even though I was still scared and unsure of what the future held for Zac and I, being with him... it did make me happy. It was like two magnets trying to pull themselves away from each other, trying to fight their very nature. Once we'd given in and let ourselves be attracted to each other, everything just seemed better. We weren't fighting ourselves anymore.

“Colby? Are you listening?”

“Huh?”

Avery giggled. “That's what I thought. I know, all this wedding planning is really boring. I was just saying that we need to start figuring out all the decorations when you get back. All the centerpieces and stuff. I have so many ideas, but I can't do them _all_ , as much as I want to. You'll help me decide, right?”

“Yeah... of course...” I replied, because I knew it was what she wanted to hear. 

My mind was elsewhere, though... on the gorgeous boy who had just walked into the room, in fact. It was amazing and more than a little silly how Zac took my breathe away every time I saw him. Even with that stupid mustache he hadn't seen fit to shave off yet, he was beautiful. He was fresh off their walk, his shirt matted to his chest with sweat, and I had to will myself not to start drooling.

He barely even seemed to notice me as he wandered around the green room, sipping a bottle of water. When his eyes finally did land on me, his entire face lit up and he gave me a smile that made me feel like I was going to melt. I'd known how awful it felt to have him glare at me, but I'd had no idea just how much better his smiles would feel.

Avery was still chattering on about centerpieces and bouquets as Zac stepped in closer to me. I found it harder and harder to pay attention to her, especially when he sat down next to me on the couch and began peppering my neck with kisses. He brushed back my hair and kissed the tattoos behind my ear, making me shiver.

“H-hey, Ave?” I said. “I probably need to start setting up the merch booth, so I'm... I'm gonna have to let you go, alright?”

“Alright,” she replied. “I'll text you some pics of those bouquets. Talk to you later.”

“Later...” I mumbled, letting my phone fall from my ear as I ended the call. I glanced over at Zac and shook my head. “You are _horrible_ , Zac.”

“I know,” he replied, chuckling. “But you love me anyway.”

I didn't dare reply to that. The words had just slipped out without him even thinking about them, I was sure. He certainly didn't need to know that I already was falling for him.

_Nothing ever goes the right way  
Got to live life day by day  
Hearts will bind you they're there to remind you of  
Where you stand _


	15. Pretty Piece of Flesh

Zac and I took so many risks in the days that followed our first time together. I knew we needed to be more careful, but he was like a drug. I couldn't get enough. Each hit just made me crave him more, and made me more bold about the way I sought him out. He felt the same, it seemed, and there was never a chance of me being able to turn him down.

We arrived in Las Vegas early in the morning and checked into our hotel for the night as soon as they would let us. I'd barely even set my suitcase down on my bed before there was an insistent knock on the door. Annalee raised an eyebrow, but I had a feeling I already knew who it was. Sure enough, swinging the door open brought me face to face with Zac.

“Colby,” he breathed out. “Will you do me a huge favor?”

“I guess it depends on what it is...”

He grabbed my arm and yanked me toward the hallway. “Come on, you'll find out when we get there. It's nothing bad.”

I raised an eyebrow, trying to judge just what his deal was. I didn't think Zac would be drunk or high in the middle of the day, but he didn't seem like himself. Still, he seemed to _need_ me, and I was powerless to tell him no. “Yeah, okay. Let me grab my purse.”

Within minutes, we were out the door and climbing into a cab. Zac still wouldn't tell me where we were going, and the fact that he was nervously tapping his foot against the floorboard of the cab didn't make me feel any better about what he could possibly have planned.

Like New Orleans, Las Vegas was an entirely different world. The magic of Vegas was man-made, though, all neon lights and replicas of famous buildings from all over the world. The cab deposited us in front of a fairly mundane, if massive, strip mall, and that left me even more clueless about what Zac could possibly need me for. He was determined but silent as he grabbed my wrist and dragged me through the mall's winding corridors until we finally reached what I assumed was his destination: a tattoo parlor.

“Look, I know I liked your drawing, but...” I said.

Zac shook his head. “You're not getting a tattoo. Well, not unless you want to. _I'm_ getting a tattoo.”

“You are?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “It just seems like time. I don't know why. But I went online and looked this place up, then called and found out they had an opening today, so... it just seemed like a sign. I'm doing it.”

“You should really wait until after the tour,” I said, but Zac had tuned me out and was already halfway inside the tattoo parlor.

It was a huge, beautiful and pristine shop, and I couldn't help but admit that it did make me want to get a tattoo as well. Aside from my first one, I'd never gotten one on the spur of the moment, and I really didn't want to do that again. If I could have, I would have talked Zac out of getting one as well, but I knew he was too stubborn to listen. If he was determined to do it, Club Tattoo seemed like as good a place as possible to pop his cherry, as it were.

I stayed behind as Zac chatted up the tattoo covered girl behind the counter. I couldn't help being a little jealous, even when it became obvious that she was the person he'd spoken to on the phone. He was still clearly flirting with her as he borrowed a sharpie to demonstrate the simple design—those three lines—he wanted on his arm. She seemed confused by the request, but the more Zac talked to her, the more smiley and accommodating she became. I just tried my best not to roll my eyes.

“Colby?” Zac asked, turning back to look at me like he'd just remembered I was there. “You're gonna come back and hold my hand, right?”

“Y-yeah... yeah, sure,” I stuttered out, hating the way even the thought of holding his hand gave me butterflies in my stomach.

I was certain there should have been a line of people in front of him, but somehow Zac had weaseled his way past everyone else, and soon I was following him and the tattoo artist into the back room. I tried not to stare as he stripped off the button up he'd worn over his t-shirt. All the drumming had given him some seriously muscular arms. Whether it was intentional or not, his arm flexed as the woman applied the stencil and I thought I might just pass out on the spot. At that rate, we were going to be lucky if both of us survived the tattoo.

As soon as the tattoo artist pulled out the gun, Zac grabbed my hand and held on tightly. I was true to my word and didn't let him go the entire time—not that I could have, considering the death grip he had on me. His knuckles turned white, and I thought he might actually bite down on his lip hard enough to draw blood, but he didn't complain even once. 

Once the tattoo began to look like it was supposed to, his grimace transformed into a smile that only seemed to grow bigger and bigger. He was practically giggling once it was finally finished. Even though the tattoo was covered in cling wrap to protect it, he didn't seem to want to stop staring at it in the room's mirror. 

“This is the best idea I've ever had,” he said, his hand hovering just over the tattoo, obviously itching to touch it. He finally tore his eyes away from his arm and gave me a smile. “Thanks, Colby.”

“You're welcome,” I replied, even though I had no idea what he was thanking me for.

****

“Aren't you hot?” I asked, noticing the way Zac had only one sleeve of his shirt rolled up. 

Even though he was wearing nothing underneath it and the top several buttons were undone, he still had to be burning up. I'd already shed my t-shirt, leaving me in just my bikini top and cut off shorts, long before the two of us wandered off from the rest of the crew. We were lucky to have a day off in California, and spending it on the beach had been a unanimous decision. While everyone else played in the water or sunbathed, Zac and I had sneaked off to take a walk together.

He shrugged. “A little bit, but I figured I'm not following any of the other aftercare directions.”

“You're gonna be lucky if that heals well at all,” I replied.

“I'll be alright,” he said. “Kate will probably have killed me before then anyway.”

“Why? Because you got a tattoo?”

“Mhm,” he replied. “She's not a fan of tattoos at all.”

I didn't say it out loud, but I decided that must have been why she didn't seem so fond of me. I supposed I was lucky not to be surrounded by close minded people; I had never before had someone judge me for being tattooed, at least not that I was aware of. It was just so silly. “Does she even know?” I asked.

“Nope. I'm just going to wait and show her when we go on break.”

“That's almost a month away,” I remarked.

“Still too soon,” Zac replied, then shook his head. “God, that's awful of me to say, considering the whole reason for the break is so I can be home when she gives birth.”

I didn't know what to say to that. I was pretty sure if I opened my mouth at all, it would only be to puke.

He shook his head again. “I'm horrible, aren't I?”

“I dunno,” I replied with a dismissive shrug, not meeting Zac's eyes.

“I mean, it's not like I'm not excited... I would have to be really awful not to be, it's just...” He sighed and trailed off. “This is going to sound really bad, okay? But I haven't told anyone and I just need to say it.”

I couldn't help looking at him then, not wanting to hear what he had to say but feeling strangely comforted that he wanted to tell me whatever it was.

“It's just... we were fighting so much, and I don't know... then all the sudden she was pregnant, and leaving wasn't an option. Not that I was going to. I hadn't even threatened to, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. And I know... well, she wouldn't be the first woman to ever get pregnant just to keep her man, I'll put it that way.”

“Okay, but... I mean, you were there, too. Unless you're implying...”

Zac cut me off with a quick shake of his head. “No, it's... it's mine. I know it is. I just think the timing is pretty suspect. Like, how can I even consider leaving or even fighting any more now that there's another baby on the way?”

“You can't,” I barely managed to squeak out.

“Exactly,” he replied, then shook his head hard. “Do me another favor, Colbs?”

I was almost afraid to ask, but I couldn't stop myself. “What?”

“Take my mind off all that,” he replied, grabbing my wrist and pulling me away from the edge of the water.

I had no clue what he meant, and I grew even more confused as he drug me toward a row of outdoor showers meant for washing off sand. We were hardly sandy at all, but I couldn't help thinking there was an ulterior motive behind his words and actions. When he pulled me into the shower with him, I was certain of it.

“Zac, what are you doing...” 

“Hopefully you,” he replied, smirking.

I rolled my eyes. “You're not supposed to work out until that heals, you know.”

“Then I guess we'll have to find something else to do...” he replied, pulling my hand toward the bulge I was surprised to already feel in his pants. His other hand stretched for the cord to turn the shower on, although we were well out of the spray. I supposed he was just trying to cover our tracks, and the sound we would no doubt make.

His hand guided mine, rubbing him slowly up and down, while he leaned down and slipped his tongue into my mouth. We kissed until I was out of breath, and I pulled back and took a few deep breaths to prepare for what I was about to do. The shower floor was rough against my knees, but I tried to ignore that as I helped Zac shove his pants down. I was surprised that he didn't have anything on underneath his khaki shorts, not even underwear. 

The second I took him into my mouth, his head fell back against the shower wall, and I said a silent prayer that no one was around to hear the thump it made. It wasn't long before he was thrusting into my mouth, practically doing all the work for me. I didn't really mind. 

“Fuck, Colby...” He gasped out. “I'm not gonna... last much longer...”

All I could do in reply was moan around his length and suck a little harder and faster. That only made Zac thrust even more, until I was certain I would pass out before he came. 

Only a few seconds later, he grasped a chunk of my hair in his hand, and moaned loudly. “Fuck... Colby, I'm coming...”

I was being pulled in a dozen different directions—the concrete digging into my knees, Zac's hand tugging on my hair, his hips rolling against my face... I saw stars behind my eyes as he came, exploding into my mouth with a long, low moan that reverberated through my entire body. 

While Zac tucked himself back into his pants, I ducked my head under the water to wash my mouth out. He just laughed at me. I'd managed to swallow most of it, because I felt this strange need to show off for him, but I still didn't care for the taste. 

“You should quit smoking,” I teased him, making a face. 

He just laughed more. “I shouldn't have ever started. But I think I need one right now.”

I just rolled my eyes and nudged him toward the shower door. “Go on, go give yourself lung cancer. See if I care.”

“Oh, you'll care,” he replied, digging around in his pocket for his cigarettes and lighter. He lit one up and gave me a smirk. “You'll care, Colby. I know you will.”

He had no idea how much, though. Of that I was certain.


	16. Any Way I Can

As the tour went on, Zac and I became experts at finding ways to be together without being terribly suspicious. His stash of pot seemed never ending, and I found I was more of a stoner than I'd ever been before. If it meant spending more time with him, letting our hands brush together a little too long as we passed a joint back and forth, then I was all for it.

“So have you thought about what you're doing after the tour?” Taylor asked, slipping the joint from my hand.

That made me freeze, my mouth hanging open. I really hadn't thought about it at all. I knew I should have been thinking about the future, but I didn't want to. In less than three weeks, Zac would leave to tend to his wife as she gave birth to their third child. The future wasn't my friend. But in ignoring it, I had forgotten to think about the offer to work for 3CG. That offer meant something entirely different now that Zac and I were sleeping together.

Taylor chuckled. “Sorry, it's just, you know... all kinds of paperwork we gotta take care if you're definitely going to come work for us.”

“Come on, Tay,” Zac said, scooting almost imperceptibly closer to me. “She doesn't wanna think about paperwork right now.”

“Sorry, sorry,” he replied, passing the joint back to Zac. 

I watched Zac as he took a long hit. What _would_ happen after the tour? Of course I wanted to follow Zac back to Tulsa, but I couldn't see how that would end well. Could I really go through my life, for however long, living in such close proximity to his family? It would almost be easier just to cut ties and go back to New York, but I knew that wouldn't bring me happiness either. Neither option seemed all that great.

“Hey,” Zac said softly, holding the joint so close to my face that I barely had to lean in at all to close my lips around it. I hoped Taylor didn't notice the way I trembled as my lips touched Zac's fingers. I knew Zac noticed by the look in his eyes as I sucked in a deep hit.

A few minutes later, the joint was gone and Taylor decided to call it a night. It hadn't been the first time he'd smoked with us, but it felt like the longest he'd lingered, seemingly watching us. I had to wonder if he knew there was something going on between us, but I decided I was just being paranoid. It wasn't as thought Zac and I had even talked about what we were doing; _I_ didn't even know what this thing between us was.

Before leaving the back lounge, Taylor reminded me to think about whether or not I wanted to take the internship. It only made my stomach turn to think about it, and I was pretty sure Zac could tell. As soon as Taylor was gone, he pulled me closer until I was practically in his lap. We already had a blanket pulled over us so anyone who walked in wouldn't have known how close we were, although I was sure that fact still didn't make us look any less suspicious.

“You okay, Colbs?” He asked, leaning his head against mine.

“Yeah, it's just... you know, everything Taylor said. I didn't really want to think about all of that.”

Zac nodded. “It's not like you have to decide right away, though. I mean, it won't be until after Christmas, if you do move out to Tulsa. That's a few months.”

“It'll go by fast,” I countered. “I haven't thought about... the future... at all.”

“It's just a job,” he replied.

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “It's really not, Zac. I mean, you'll be there and...”

I trailed off, but the change in Zac's expression said that he understood what I meant. Tour was like its own little world, where it was easy to pretend that the things we did had no effect outside of this little bubble we were in. But that was silly. Of course there was a ripple effect, and it would only get worse if we allowed this to continue once the tour was over. Zac's furrowed brow said that he was only just realizing this, and he had no answers for me.

“Colby, I... I'm not gonna lie, I really like the idea of having you near me all the time. Working in the same office, going out for drinks after work together...”

I raised an eyebrow. “And how often will you really be going out for drinks after work when you've got a new baby at home?”

“Yeah, well...” Zac mumbled, his gaze falling from mine. “That's the thing, I guess. I don't know how we could make _this_ work in Tulsa, but I still want you near me. I still want to see you all the time, even if that's it. Even if I just _see_ you and I can't touch you. Now that you're in my life, I want to keep you in it.”

“But how can you?” I asked.

“Any way I can,” he replied, pulling me closer and kissing the top of my head. “I don't know what the future holds, Colbs. I just know that I don't want to let you go, not right now, not ever. Whether we can ever make this... something more... I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see.”

I nodded. It wasn't an ideal answer, but I knew it was the only one he had. It was all we could possibly do. Wait.

****

Thanks to Zac's sudden tattoo idea, I hadn't had a chance to gamble while we were in Las Vegas. When we reached the casino in Winnipeg, I decided to give it a try. It was huge, so even though I was certain it was crawling with Hanson fans, I still felt fairly anonymous as I wandered around in search of a game to play.

I wasn't surprised at all when Zac found me and sat down at the machine next to mine, his hair tucked up into a baseball cap as though that would disguise him.

“Trying to hit the big bucks?” He asked.

I shrugged. “Trying to waste some time. I don't need the money.”

“You keep saying stuff like that,” he remarked. “Sounds so... shady. What, is your family in the mob or something?” 

“Yes, Zac,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I'm Italian, so clearly my dad was a mafia don.”

“It was just a joke...” Zac mumbled. For a moment, he only pressed buttons on his machine, then turned back to me. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it. I know your parents are...”

I nodded to cut him off. “And that's why I don't have to worry about money, okay? Between the insurance payout and all the property and crap I had to sell afterward, I don't really even need to work. Not right now, at least. But I like knowing I've got some money that's actually my own, even if I am just putting most of it in savings.”

“Oh, I didn't... I didn't think about that.”

“I know,” I replied, my tone a little shorter than I meant it to be. “It's fine. I don't talk about it a lot, especially the money. My dad was a lawyer, so he did make a lot of money, and he was smart with it. I kept the house and some stuff that had sentimental meaning... but that's about it.”

Zac nodded slowly, then nudged my shoulder and pointed to the screen on my digital slot machine. “Well, looks like you've got some more money to add to your savings.”

I looked where he was pointing. I'd been playing the game the whole time, although my attention was barely on it, and somehow I'd racked up a hundred dollar jackpot. That was likely to be the best I did, so I cashed out and snatched up the card that would tell the casino how much to pay me. 

“What are you gonna do with all that cash?” Zac asked, frowning as his own total dropped down to zero.

I shrugged, spinning around in my chair to watch him finish his game. “Probably nothing. Put it in the bank. Pay my cell phone bill. I don't spoil myself.”

“You should,” he replied, cashing out and spinning around to face me. “Even if it's just something tacky from the gift shop. Come on.”

Even though I rolled my eyes, which Zac ignored, I had to follow him. When he told me to do something, I was pathetically powerless to say no. As Zac walked away, strutting like he owned the place, I could do nothing but follow behind him. He barely even glanced back to make sure I was there.

He bypassed the customer service desk and headed straight to the gift shop, grinning like a kid in a candy shop. It was amazing to me how the littlest things seemed to excite him at times, when at other times he seemed so jaded with everything that he felt decades older than me rather than just five years. Right then, though, I felt like I was babysitting him, chasing after him as he darted into the store and started touching practically everything they had for sale.

“This is what you were looking for, right?” He asked, holding up a shirt with a glittery moose design on the front. I didn't think I would ever cease to be amazed by the tacky tourist merch I had seen during this tour.

“Yes,” I replied, trying to keep a straight face. “That's _exactly_ what I've been missing in my wardrobe.”

Zac grinned. “I thought so. I'm buying it for you.”

“I thought I was supposed to be spending my winnings?” I asked.

“Maybe I wanna treat you,” he replied with a shrug. “What size?”

“Medium,” I replied. “But you don't have to buy it.”

Zac turned back to face me, his expression surprisingly serious. “I want to. I know, it's just a stupid shirt, but can you just let me do something for you? I can't do much for you, not... not in the ways I want to. Not... publicly. But let me do this, okay?”

I stared blankly at him for a moment, letting his words sink in. Once they did, I could only nod. Again, how could I ever refuse Zac when he asked something of me? I couldn't; it was that simple.

“Okay,” he replied, grinning. “Good. It's not much, but... oh, you think I should get a matching one?”

“I think that will look a little suspicious,” I said.

“Well, we won't wear them at the same time,” Zac replied.

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, sure. Get whatever you want.”

Zac stepped in closer to me, still grinning. Lowering his voice a little, he said, “I really want to kiss you right now. But I can't. I know I can't. That's what I mean, you know? I have to watch everything I do when I'm with you, so when I find one thing I _can_ do, even if it's just buying you something... let me do it, please?”

“I said okay,” I replied softly. “Don't kiss me, though.”

Zac tilted his head to the side and smirked. “You saying you don't want me to kiss you?”

“I'm not saying that at all. Just... not here.”

“Well....” he said, still smirking. “Let me pay for these, we'll cash in your winnings and then I think we'll still have an hour to waste. Can I kiss you in my hotel room?”

“I think that'll work,” I replied with a smirk of my own.

I had a feeling that, once we were safely hidden away in his hotel room, he would do a lot more than just kiss me.


	17. Fall

_You let me in  
'Cause after all  
It seemed like the right thing to do _

Hotels were a rare luxury on tour, with such long drives between most of the destinations that we often ended up just sleeping on the bus. Even more rare were the nights when Zac and I were able to find any amount of privacy even in a hotel. More often than not, he shared with Taylor and I shared with Annalee; it seemed we would never finagle it so that we had our own rooms that no one would notice weren't actually both being occupied.

In Illinois, though, just a few days before the first leg of the tour ended, we got lucky. Annalee had rushed off to spend the night with an old friend who evidently lived in Chicago now, and Zac had managed to get his own room, too. I ditched most of my bags in my room and headed straight to his as soon as I received his text telling me the coast was clear and he was waiting for me.

I felt like I had to creep like a thief down the hallway to his room, where I only needed to knock once before the door swung open and Zac pulled me inside. His hair was wet and he smelled... clean. It was a generic sort of clean smell, like the nameless hotel complimentary soap, but I still liked it. As he kissed down my neck, I shamelessly buried my head in his hair and inhaled.

Eventually, he guided me toward the bed and we collapsed onto it together. Something about that movement or the way he looked at me stopped me in my tracks and made me lose my breath. It suddenly hit me that I would be leaving the tour soon—not for good, but it didn't matter. I would still be away from him, and he would be with his wife.

_I closed my eyes  
And let you fall  
I wonder what you could possibly know  
About breaking down that I don't _

“Are you okay?” Zac asked, brushing back my hair. 

I shrugged and glanced away from him, not wanting him to see the lie in my eyes.

“No, you're not,” he replied, nudging my cheek his with his nose until I gave in and looked at him. “What's wrong, Colbs?”

“Just thinking about... us, I guess. This whole thing we've got going on, and what's going to happen in a few days, or a few weeks, or months...”

“Just think about now,” he replied, but I could tell by the look on his face and his tone of voice that he knew it wasn't that simple. “Now is all we've got for certain. What more can we do, Colby? What more can _I_ do?”

“I don't know,” I answered, shrinking away from him a little. I was pretty sure I could smell beer on his breath, but that seemed to be a constant for all the guys on the tour.

“You want some kind of promise? I can't give you that.”

“I didn't ask for it,” I replied. “I'm not going to ask you for anything like that. It's not my place.”

“Then I don't know what you want me to do, Colby,” he said, letting out a frustrated groan. My eyes widened as he reached for the necklace he wore his wedding ring on and practically ripped it off. “How about that? Is that what you're trying not to ask me for?”

_It's been awhile  
Since I begged for  
Anything but now I want more _

“No,” I replied honestly. “I said it's not my place. If you... if you want to leave her, that's on you. But just taking off that ring means nothing. It's a symbol. It doesn't change anything.”

Zac groaned again. “Why do you have to make this so complicated?”

“I really don't think I'm the one doing that,” I replied, but the words were mostly lost in his sudden kiss.

As much as I wanted to keep arguing with him for putting words into my mouth—words I would never admit I was actually thinking—the second his lips touched mine, I knew that I couldn't. His tongue slipped into my mouth and I was done for. By the time Zac's hand crept under my shirt, I was certain that he knew I was putty in his hands, and he was taking full advantage of that fact.

_So lay me down  
I'm lonely  
You don't understand me  
And you'd never even try to   
Anyway_

Zac climbed on top of me, only pulling back from the kiss to let me push his shirt over his head. I had to admit, I did like the way he looked without that damn ring around his neck. I could try to imagine it was my ring, but it didn't work. With it gone, though, I could almost pretend that Zac was free to be mine, even if I knew better.

I was so caught up in my fantasies of truly being _with_ Zac that I barely even registered him peeling off my pajama shorts and panties. I only snapped back to reality when I felt his leg push my thighs apart, his hand finding its way between my legs and into the wetness I was ashamed to say was already waiting for him. Even though he didn't know the reason, I was ashamed of how turned on I'd become because of my silly romantic fantasies. I couldn't stop them, though. Now that Zac's ring was gone, at least for the moment, I wanted to be even closer to him. As he worked one, then two, fingers in and out of me, I stripped out of my t-shirt and bra and pulled him down so that his chest was flush against mine. It was smooth and soft, but I knew the main reason it felt so good was because his ring wasn't digging into my collarbone and reminding me that he was still married.

_I hear you say  
It's not the same  
I'm sorry  
It's something I just can't explain _

I dug my fingernails into his back, not really caring if I left marks, just needing him to be closer still. Zac didn't seem to mind either, judging by the low moan he let out. His mouth did taste like beer, and I could smell it all around me with him so close, but I didn't care. 

“Colby,” Zac gasped out the second my hand slipped inside his boxer briefs. “I don't... I don't have a condom...”

“It's alright,” I replied. 

We'd used one every other time, but it didn't really seem necessary to me. I was clean, I was sure he was clean and I was pretty good at taking my pill on time every day. Besides, I wanted Zac as close, at least physically, as I could get him. If I couldn't have all of him emotionally, I could settle for physically.

He stared at me for a moment, blinking slowly, then nodded. His hands joined mine, helping to push his boxers down until he could kick them off into the floor. Although he seemed eager to be naked, once he was, he slowed down again, settling in between my legs and just laying there for a moment, breathing heavily against my neck. He wasn't inside me; in fact, he was barely brushing against me, just enough to make me tremble. Our bodies were almost as connected as possible, and Zac seemed to be reveling in the way that felt just as much as I was.

Finally, after what felt like forever, he slipped inside of me. It felt even better than I could have imagined. I wasn't delusional until to think that he was really mine, but right then, he was. Right then we were as close as possible and as _together_ as possible. If only that moment could have lasted forever. At least it wasn't as rushed as our other times, Zac's motions actually slow and sensual, savoring the moment, this time. 

I held him tightly against me, just enjoying the way his chest felt against mine. Our heartbeats seemed to sync up, beating out a surprisingly slow and steady rhythm in spite of what we were doing. We always seemed to be fighting, clawing at each other in desperation, but not this time. This time we slowed down and I almost wondered if time had slowed with us. 

_So shut your mouth  
And hold me close  
We both know  
It's better than being alone _

It could have been hours or minutes before I felt Zac tensing against me, the first sign that he was about to come. I stared up at him as he sped up only slightly, biting his lip in concentration. My vision blurred with my own orgasm as his mouth fell open, a moan escaping it as he finally let go. 

Zac collapsed on top of me then, and for a moment I was certain he'd fallen asleep still inside of me. Finally, he reluctantly rolled off and heaved a huge sigh toward the ceiling. I didn't feel like sticking around to figure out what that meant, so I slipped off to the bathroom, gathering up my discarded underwear along the way. The shirt I grabbed with them turned out to be Zac's, but I slipped into it anyway. It was surprisingly clean for something that had been laying in a pile on the floor, and it smelled like him. I had the silly thought that I hoped the smell lingered even after I left in the morning and returned the shirt to him. 

When I came back into the room, at first I thought Zac hadn't moved at all. But the covers were pulled up over him and a closer look revealed that he'd slipped back into his boxers. Otherwise, he was in the same position, still staring blankly up at the ceiling. Still not wearing his ring.

“Zac?” I asked softly, climbing into the bed and laying down what felt like a safe distance away from him.

He didn't look my way. “Hmm? What?”

“Nothing, I just...” I began, then sighed. “Nothing. Just go to sleep.”

“I don't know what this means,” he said.

“It means... I'm sleepy?”

“No,” he replied, shaking his head. “I mean this. The... taking my ring off. I don't know why I did that.”

I rolled over so that my back was to him and mumbled, “Guess it was just the heat of the moment.”

The bed shifted but I didn't look back to see if Zac was truly moving closer to me. “What I mean is... I don't know what happens now. It's just a symbol, Colby, like you said. Taking the ring off only changes things right now, right here, between us.”

“So why did you do it?” I asked, squeezing my eyes shut as though that would contain the tears.

“Because I wanted to,” he replied, wrapping an arm around me and grasping my hand. “I can't make a commitment to you now. I'm not going to try. But that, the ring... that was something I could do. I just don't know what comes next or what... what _you_ want to come next.”

“It doesn't matter, because I can't have those things,” I replied softly.

I felt Zac nod as he rested his head against the back of mine. “I get that. You know I want... things I can't have, too. That's why I made a big grand gesture that I can't back up... yet.”

“Yet?” I repeated, hating how hopeful I sounded.

“I don't know what the future holds, besides the inevitable,” he replied, and I knew he was talking about the baby. 

“I'm not stupid enough to think you can or will leave her,” I said.

He squeezed my hand. “Never say never.”

“Don't.”

Zac recoiled. “What?”

“You just said you wouldn't make any commitment to me. Don't make any empty promises, either. Why would you do that? You _can't_ leave her now. You know you can't. Whether you do someday or not... it's too far away to think about now, and I'm _not_ asking you to do it.”

“Then why are we even talking about it?”

“You started it.”

Zac sighed. “Then I'm finishing it now. I'm sorry if trying to tell you what I wanted with this stupid empty gesture made things even messier. I didn't mean to do that, I just wanted you to know...”

He trailed off then and I asked, “What? Wanted me to know what?”

“Nevermind,” he replied. Despite the annoyance I heard in his voice, I felt him press a kiss to the back of my head. “Let's just go to sleep.”

“Okay,” I replied, mostly because I was sick of arguing.

As he drifted off behind me, still holding my hand, I couldn't help wondering what it was he seemed to both want and not want me to know he wanted. It seemed there could only be one answer.

He was falling in love with me, too.

_If wanting you's so wrong then I'm wrong  
I'll admit it  
Time after time you'll realize  
You don't mean it _


	18. Shift

I knew it was too good to be true. I had known that since the very beginning of this thing with Zac. The fact that he was even attracted to me was a miracle; for me to expect anything more than that was just foolish.

When he took his ring off, I wanted to believe that it meant something. I wanted to believe that, even though I knew he truly couldn’t, he was making some kind of promise to me. I wanted to believe that we were _together_.

I knew it couldn’t last, but I didn’t expect it to end so quickly.

The next morning, I slipped back to my hotel room before Annalee returned and hurried to shower. No one suspected a thing, and the entire next day in Chicago was good. Zac didn’t even seem bothered when person after person asked about his ring. The lie that his necklace had broken fell easily off his lips. If anyone asked why he didn’t just wear the ring on his finger, I didn’t hear. We seemed to be in the clear.

Even though we didn’t have a lot of time together that night or during the drive to Kansas, things were good. I felt content. I should have known it was only a false sense of security.

As the day in Lawrence went on, I could feel something changing, but I wasn’t sure what. I became paranoid, convinced everyone was talking behind my back. I told myself that was silly. They didn’t have any reason to talk about me--except they would have, if they had known the truth. But surely no one knew, I told myself.

After the show, I rushed to load out, then headed to the bus to find Zac. I was sure he could ease my worries. When I found him, his back was to me and his cell phone was to his ear.

“I know… in about twenty--I _know_ , I’ll be there as soon as.. we’ll just have to see, okay?”

His voice was clipped and impatient, and I could tell whoever he was talking to kept interrupting him. I _knew_ I shouldn’t listen in, but before I could leave, he ended the call and spun around.

“Are you--oh. Colby.” The angry yet distant tone of his voice sent a shiver down my spine. “I’m going back to Tulsa.”

I frowned. “We all are, right?”

“Yeah, but I’m… I’ve got to leave now. Dad should be here soon. The man drives like he’s in a Nascar race, I swear. He'll probably get a damn speeding ticket just to get here faster.”

He was rambling, and nothing he said made sense to me at all. I supposed he sensed this, because he suddenly stopped rambling. and stared right at me.

“Colby, she… she went into labor tonight. Early. I have to go.”

“For… for how long?” I asked. I had known, or should have known, that this was a possibility, yet it still made me feel sick.

He shrugged. “Until she has the baby. We’ve got tomorrow, and I can skip the walk Thursday… I don’t know. We’ll see.”

“Okay,” I replied. “But you’ll be back.”

Zac gave me the faintest smile possible. “Of course I’ll be back.”

His phone buzzed, and he glanced at it quickly before shoving it back into his pocket and picking up the suitcase I hadn’t even noticed sitting on the couch. He took a few steps closer to me and smiled, but didn’t say a word. I noticed his ring was back around his neck like it hadn’t ever been anywhere else.

As Zac walked off the bus, I knew he was wrong. He might be back, but things between us wouldn’t be the same. The Zac I’d thought was falling for me too was long gone.

****

I spent the next day in a drunken haze. I wasn’t working, so I didn’t feel unprofessional for doing it. Taylor seemed to know it was what I needed when he asked if I wanted to come to Oktoberfest and help with their beer promo. The pointed look he gave me said he knew I would be doing more drinking than promoting.

If it had been up to me, I would have avoided everyone with the last name Hanson entirely. It was all too much and reminded me far too much of Zac. At least I got to spend the night with Annalee's family. Getting trashed in the middle of a festival where I could count the people I knew on one hand helped, too.

I wanted to completely lose myself in the crowd. Maybe I could just stay drunk. I couldn't stay in Tulsa, though. It was the last place on earth I wanted to be. And that was why I kept sampling more and more of the surprising amount of local beers Tulsa had to offer.

I had just started on a cup of cider when I felt a hand closer over mine. The hand, which I slowly realized belonged to Taylor, eased the cup away from my mouth.

“Why don't you slow down a bit?” He asked, pulling the cup from my hand and taking a drink from it himself.

“Why don't you?” I shot back, hating how slurred my words were.

Taylor chuckled as he lowered the cup from his lips. “What do you need to get so drunk for anyway?”

I narrowed my eyes, or at least I tried to. “Like you don't know.”

Taylor sighed and ran a hand through his hair. I was tired of looking at him and listening to him. I grabbed my cup from his hand and turned to leave.

“Wait,” he said. “Look, I _shouldn't_ know. I wish I didn't, and I'm really trying to stay ignorant just to save my own ass. Anyway, I'm not unsympathetic, but what did you expect? This was going to happen.”

“I'm not dumb. I just... I don't need the reminder. I don't need his marriage and his happy little family thrown in my face.”

Taylor's face hardened. “Get used to it. It sucks, but you knew his baggage.”

“Yeah. I did,” I replied, then downed the rest of my cider. “Doesn't mean I have to like it.”

“I know,” Taylor replied. His lips were pursed like he was contemplating saying something else, but he didn't.

Instead he bought the next round, and we drank together in silence. I wasn't happy with it, but it seemed we had come to some sort of understanding.

****

In St. Louis, everything was different. The biggest difference, right away, was Zac's absence. Now that we were back on the road, I felt the loss of his presence even more acutely, and I hated it. More than that, I hated that I both missed him and wished he would stay gone.

Of course, he couldn't stay gone, no matter how long his wife was in labor. Everyone was on edge, worried that he wouldn't see things that way and wouldn't come back for the concert. Isaac and Taylor were adamant every time they spoke to him on the phone that they weren't going to cancel the show, but the hours still ticked by with no Zac in sight.

My paranoid side wondered if Kate was somehow doing this on purpose. Of course she wasn't in control of when she went into labor, but I knew from the phone calls I'd shamelessly eavesdropped on that she was insisting upon a natural birth. The baby would be born when it was born, even if it meant Zac had to rush to make it to the concert on time. I didn't think that was especially fair; she should have known he had certain commitments that _she_ had to work around, not him. That was just part of being his wife, wasn't it?

What would she have to gain from keeping him there with her, though? I didn't think she knew about me, but I did know she was the jealous type. She would most certainly want to do whatever she could to monopolize his time if she had even the slightest suspicion that he was doing something he shouldn't when she wasn't around.

But maybe I was just being too paranoid. Of course I thought the worst of her, because nothing Zac had told me about her was good. He had barely even looked happy when he left early for Tulsa. How could I assume anything good about his wife when Zac hardly even seemed excited about joining her for the birth of their third child?

Still, I felt horrible for all the thoughts I was having. No matter what, they wouldn't go away. The fact that Zac was gone all day didn't help. It just gave me more and more time to dwell on my awful thoughts while everyone else was nearing panic mode over his absence. It was a bad day for all of us, but I selfishly thought it was the worst for me.

When he did finally arrive, I wasn't even aware of it. All afternoon and evening, we had been repeatedly told to continue the normal schedule; if we had to delay, we would do that when it became necessary. Until I saw Walker wandering around during the opening act, I had no clue at all that he and Zac had arrived. It hurt that no one had told me, but why would they? No one but Taylor knew what Zac's presence meant to me. I wasn't even sure that Zac himself knew.

There was a different energy to Zac's performance that night. It was a seismic shift in my world and his, and I wondered if the audience could feel it, too. I knew without a doubt what it meant. Zac and I were over. A day and a half in Tulsa had reminded him what he was jeopardizing by being with me. Even if his marriage wasn't perfect, of course he would choose her and their now three children over me. I was a fool to ever think otherwise.

Although I knew it was probably in my best interests to just avoid Zac entirely, I also knew that I couldn't. It would have been nearly impossible on the tour bus, and just because I _should_ didn't mean that I wanted to. Still, I didn't get to see him until after the concert. As I loaded out for the night, I tried to ignore him sitting on the bus couch with his cell phone glued to his ear, but it was impossible. The ring around his neck and the hospital bracelet on his wrist seemed to be taunting me, and it was all made even worse by the snippets of conversation that I caught. 

I knew I was being childish, and I knew I had no right to be jealous. But _jealous_ didn't really describe how I felt. Seeing Zac turn on a dime and so quickly and easily give his wife all of himself again made me feel sick. I felt betrayed, not just by him, but my own heart that had convinced me there was something real between the two of us. 

I felt sick because I knew I had no right to wish I was the one he was talking to so sweetly. That would never be me. I would never have his love, his family, his life. I wouldn't have anything of him but a few sordid memories, and even that was more than I should have had.

I did my best to ignore him and focus on my job, but I could tell by the look on his face when I finally finished and settled into the bus for the night that he knew I'd been listening. The look he gave me then... it was like he was a completely different person. He'd seemed so happy on stage, but when he looked at me, all of that was gone. It was worse than the angry glares he'd given me at first. I'd come to understand—or believe, at least—that those were a manifestation of his anger at himself for being attracted to me. Now, though, it just seemed like he wished I would go away. He looked at me like I was an annoying little insect that he wanted to squash. He looked at me like I was _nothing_ to him.

I supposed I _was_ nothing to him. I supposed that was all I'd ever been—at most, just a distraction and a way to quench a certain desire. But even that had been about my body, not _me_.

We didn't speak to each other at all. I had nothing to say to him. Thankfully, other people started filtering onto the bus soon and filling up our awkward silence. Once others were around, though, Zac changed again. His face lit up and he was shoving his phone in their face to show them photos of his new son. He didn't try to show me. He didn't even acknowledge me.

While everyone else was crowded around Zac, I slipped down the hallway and into my bunk, where I cried myself to sleep like a stupid heartbroken teenager.


	19. Fading

For the next three days, I did my best to ignore Zac. It was childish, I suppose, but he seemed to be ignoring me too. It was like we had regressed back to the beginning when we could barely even stand each other. The progress we had made, though I supposed it had only been an illusion anyway, had all been undone overnight by Abraham's birth. I didn't blame the kid, though. He was an innocent, brought into a situation that I couldn't help thinking was still less than ideal and would remain that way even after this honeymoon period for Zac was over.

None of that made me feel any better about seeing him practically glowing all the time, then that light fading to darkness whenever I happened to catch his eye.

Soon enough, though, it was time for our break. We had two weeks off, two weeks during which Kate had been expected to give birth. It felt weird to be excited about taking that break given the reason it existed, and then I felt bad for being upset. I had to remind myself constantly how selfish I was; she had already been pregnant, already been _his wife_ long before I came into the picture. I had no right to be upset.

Whatever the reason for those two weeks off, I was just glad to finally be heading for the airport to take them. It was just Annalee and me heading back to New York, and our flight was scheduled just early enough that we didn't have time to really say goodbye to anyone. I was glad for that; I had gotten attached to few of them aside from Zac. I had no need to say goodbye. I wasn't going to miss them, and I didn't _want_ to miss him.

In just a few short hours, we were back on the east coast, scanning the inside of LaGuardia for Avery's smiling face. She was the only Hanson I could have possibly been happy to see right then, and I truly _was_ happy to see her, even though I knew she wasn't going to let me rest like I wanted. She had scheduled cake testings, dress fittings and all sorts of things during the next few weeks, and I had no doubt that she would be peppering me with questions about my time on tour the whole time.

It was easy to spot Avery's tall figure practically bouncing up and down in the crowd, waving an arm toward us. As soon as we approached, she wrapped us both up in her arms and squealed. “I missed you girls so much!”

Annalee giggled. “We've only been gone for two months!”

“I know,” Avery replied. “But it feels like forever.”

I nodded my agreement, trying to force a smile so she wouldn't realize just _how_ long it had felt to me. I had felt a lifetime of emotions in those two months, falling in and out of love, in and out of _hate_... 

“Come on, let's get your luggage and then you girls can tell me all about it over lunch. Then I have to show you the dresses I have picked out!”

Avery was far too cheerful for me to handle right then, but I followed behind her as she chattered on about dresses and invitations and all manner of other wedding details. The whole time, I still felt like I was going to be sick. It seemed there would be no getting away from how I felt about Zac, no escaping the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Even returning home had done nothing to fix me. Maybe nothing could.

****

“I really think I liked the devil's food best,” Avery said. “What about you?”

“It was good, especially with the raspberries, but the one... was it hazelnut-almond? That one was amazing,” Annalee replied.

“What about you, Colby?”

I glanced up from the latte I'd been staring into. “Hmm?”

“Which flavor cake did you like best?” Avery asked, her tone surprisingly not showing any annoyance with me for having obviously drifted away from the conversation.

“Oh, umm...” I struggled to even remember what flavors we had tried during the cake testing that also doubled as a celebration of Avery's birthday. “The one with the pralines?”

Avery nodded. “The other devil's food? That was good, too.”

I tried not to let my relief show that I'd at least managed to name a flavor we had actually tried. After days and days of endless wedding planning, it was all starting to blur together. Of course I wanted to help Avery. She was my friend, and I wanted to be there for her. But every time I thought about her wedding, I remembered that Zac would be there... and so would his wife and children. Then I remembered that I would see him again in just a few short days. Then I felt like I was going to barf. It was a vicious cycle.

“And I definitely don't have room for this sandwich after that that buttercream,” Avery added, picking up her tuna salad sandwich by the crust, then letting it fall back to her plate.

I nodded and chuckled softly in reply to that. That I understood, at least. I hadn't even ordered any sort of food to go with my latte, and even that didn't seem to be agreeing with my stomach. I blamed it on the rich cake and frosting, but it felt like there was more to it than that. My moods always affected my appetite; I lost ten pounds I couldn't afford to loose in just a week or two of my parents' death, and my weight fluctuated like crazy during midterms and finals.

An awkward silence fell over the table, all of us seemingly running out of things to talk about at the same time. The silence was finally broken by Annalee pushing back her chair and stating that she was going to go use the little girls room. 

Once she was gone, Avery scooted forward and put her elbows on the table. She gave me a pointed look. “Okay, spill. What's wrong?”

“Wrong?” I echoed, trying to sound clueless.

“Yes, wrong,” she replied. “You haven't been acting like your normal self ever since you got back. Not that you're ever exactly a ray of sunshine—no offense—but this is bad even for you. You miss being on the road already or what?”

“No, it's not...” I sighed, trying to think up some sort of believable lie. “I mean, I don't know. Touring is different than I expected. I don't mean to whine, but it's... it's hard work.”

None of that was entirely a lie, but it wasn't the entire story, either. But it was enough to make Avery nod as thought she understood perfectly what I meant. “It is tough, I know. I guess I'm used to it, since I grew up doing it. But I know for other people it takes a lot of getting used to. Natalie adjusted pretty quickly, but I know Kate has always kind of hated it.”

I bristled at the mention of her name, and then hated myself for it. Sure, she had been rude to me that one time, but I could almost understand her reasoning. I had no real reason to hate her other than being jealous that she had what I wanted. Still, I didn't like the thought that I might have something else in common with her.

“The first tour is always rough,” Avery continued. “But after the next month, getting to travel all over Europe... it'll feel worth it then, I promise.”

 _Worth it._ It was an odd choice of words, because that was exactly what I feared. That trying to start my career this way wasn't going to be worth it if I had to spend so much time with Zac. The more I thought about it, the more I really didn't think it was worth it. Seeing him now that everything between us was so clearly over would be torture. Accepting their offer to move to Tulsa and work for them would be even worse. 

As soon as that thought occurred to me, I felt my stomach turn again. I hadn't even thought about that job offer for weeks. It had seemed great, if a big change, before, but now it sounded like a prison sentence. Living in Tulsa, seeing his wife and family all the time... I couldn't do it. There was no way.

“I know it's a lot of change all at once, but you'll moved to Tulsa and get settled in and it'll be great. You'll really enjoy working for them,” Avery said.

Was she reading my mind? She couldn't be. Then she would know all the awful things I'd done. I doubted she would be so happy and positive if she'd known about my affair with her brother. Still, the fact that she brought up exactly the thing I was dreading—moving to Tulsa to work for their label—freaked me out.

Before I could reply to that and tell Avery I wasn't even sure that I wanted to take the job, Annalee returned to the table, oblivious to the conversation she'd walked in on. 

“So, have we picked a cake flavor yet?” She asked.

“Not yet,” Avery replied. “We were just talking about touring and working for my brothers.”

“Oh, have you decided for sure to take the job?” Annalee asked.

It was now or never, I supposed. I shook my head. “Not really. I mean, leaving New York... moving... I don't know. It's a lot to think about.”

“That's just an excuse,” Avery replied with a wave of her hand. “You're just scared of change, but you'll adjust. I know you will.”

It was an excuse, but not in the way that she thought. It was an excuse because I couldn't tell her how horrible living that near to Zac, working with him every day, sounded. Maybe I wasn't being fair to her. Maybe she would understand if I tried to explain it to her. But I doubted it. I didn't see how she could see me as anything but what I knew I was—a homewrecker.

Annalee nodded. “Tulsa is different from New York, and maybe I'm biased because it's where I'm from, but it's a great place. You'll love it. And you'll love working for the guys, I'm sure. If I were trying to get into the music business, I'd want to work for them. I just like touring and getting to see new places, though.”

“Speaking of new places,” Avery cut in. “Why aren't you going with them to Disney?”

Annalee pouted. “They aren't going to set up a merch booth there. Plus, we'd have to pay our own way in; they get to stay for free, but since we wouldn't technically be part of the crew, they couldn't really get our admission paid for.”

“Aww, well maybe next time,” Avery replied.

“Maybe,” I said, feeling like I practically needed to reach down my throat and yank the word out. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it at all, but it was what Avery expected to hear.

The truth was, I wasn't upset at all about having a few extra days away from the tour, especially since I knew a lot of their family would be at Disney with them. I couldn't imagine being around that circus right now... or ever. The more I thought about it, the more I didn't see how I could possibly accept their job offer, or even finish out this tour.


	20. How I Feel

_I have a problem that I cannot explain,  
I have no reason why it should have been so plain,  
Have no questions but I sure have excuse,  
I lack the reason why I should be so confused _

Even though I had serious reservations about it, I knew I had to finish the next leg of the tour. I had committed to that and it was too late to back out. So, after a break that seemed to fly by, I was in Philadelphia with Annalee, ready to begin the tour all over again. If only it could have really been a new beginning, without any of the events of the last leg hanging over my head. But even though Zac had seemingly erased me from his life, everything that had happened was still there, still looming large in my memory.

We managed to time our arrival at the venue so that we would have just enough time to eat lunch and get our things settled into place before we had to start loading in for the night. I was relieved that it worked out so perfectly. Being on such a tight schedule meant there was less of a chance of running into Zac. Even though a part of me wanted to see him, the biggest part of me wanted to avoid him as much as possible. He was obviously finding a way to be happy with his life; inserting myself back into it would only mess that up. I was trying, for once, not to be selfish.

Our late arrival worked out pretty perfectly. If you don't count the glances at the stage that I couldn't stop myself from stealing during the show, when few people were at the merch booth, I didn't see Zac at all until after the concert. I took my time loading out in hopes that it would be nearly bus call by the time I finished, but of course, I had no such luck there. In fact, I finished up right around the time that Zac finished signing autographs and chatting with the fans. I'd walked past the crowd of them a dozen or so times, invisible to both them and Zac, and tried my best not to crane my neck to get a look at him. I didn't want to see him looking as happy as I knew he would. I didn't want to see him looking angry, either, but it didn't seem like I had a choice in that. As soon as he walked on the bus and saw me, a scowl planted itself on his face.

I wanted to scream at him and ask him why he suddenly hated me. I hadn't forced him to cheat on his wife with me. I hadn't forced him to do anything. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't say any of that to him. Aside from the look on his face, he seemed utterly oblivious to my presence, and I decided it was actually better that way. If he was going to pretend I was nothing to him, I could do the same for him.

I settled onto the couch and pulled my notebook out of my bag. Lately I had wanted to get back into songwriting, even though I'd never thought I was very good at it. It was just something I did, especially when things were going badly. Songwriting was little more than an emotional outlet for me, not anything I really planned to do anything with. I was better at performing than actually creating. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I couldn't help watching Zac. I hoped he didn't notice. I hoped even more than he didn't ask what I was writing, but I doubted he would. He didn't care that much about me. That was almost a relief, because he really didn't need to know that I was writing about him.

Rather than pay any attention to me, he pulled a beer from the refrigerator and downed practically half of it at once. I had only seen Zac drink a few times, but every time it happened, it seemed he didn't know any sort of limit. It worried me a little, but his brothers were the same. They'd both been a little drunk for half the tour, and I attributed that to all the beer promo. It wasn't anything to worry about, I was sure. Still, the dark look in Zac's eyes as he clutched his beer and headed to the back lounge of the bus chilled me to the bone.

_I know, how I feel when I'm around you,  
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,  
Around you _

“Hey, Colby!” A cheerful voice called out, causing me to jump nearly off the couch. I hadn't even heard the bus door open, yet there stood Taylor. His eyes darted down the bus hallway, no doubt trying to figure out what I'd been looking at, and the smile faded from his face. He sat down next to me. “How are you feeling about being back on tour?”

It was a fairly innocent question, but the way he'd worded it and the tone of his voice made it rather loaded. I knew what he was really asking, and I didn't want to answer that. I didn't want to _think_ about that. Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about it... thinking about Zac. 

Finally, I just gave him a shrug. “It's fine.”

“Is it?” He asked, eying me. 

“I've only been back on tour for a few hours, Taylor. Hardly time to say whether I'm having fun or not.” That was harsh, I knew, but I couldn't stop myself. I felt guilty, though. Taylor didn't deserve that.

Taylor stared at me for a moment, probably trying to decide whether or not it was even worth it to attempt to continue this conversation. He stole a glance at my notebook before I could close it and asked, “What are you writing?”

I shrugged. “Songs. I guess. In theory, but I haven't actually written anything yet.”

“Well, aren't you just multitalented?” He asked with a smirk on his lips. “You play, you sing, you write... are you trying to work for us or put us out of business?”

It was a joke, I knew, but given all of my mixed feelings about going to work for 3CG, I didn't find it very funny. Taylor nudged me gently, still grinning, and I managed a strangled little chuckle. “Yeah, I don't... I don't know, it's just a hobby. I'm not really a writer.”

Taylor sighed. “Look, I know everything sucks right now, but I promise it will work out.”

“I just don't see how,” I replied softly. 

Taylor looked like he was going to say more, but he was interrupted by Zac walking by, on his way for another beer. We both watched him, but he seemed oblivious to our presence. Once he was gone, Taylor replied, “Honestly, I don't see how, either.”

****

The worst part of touring was that it was impossible to avoid anyone. No matter how hard you tried, you would see them anyway. Even if you were trying to mind your own business, with just one tour bus and a relatively small crew sometimes doubling up duties to get everything done, it was impossible not to be practically on top of each other all the time. I never stood any real chance of avoiding Zac for the rest of the tour, and I knew that. 

The venue in Toronto was a huge maze and it seemed like all of our belongings kept moving themselves around. Maybe we were all just confused by the veritable fun house of dressing rooms. I don't know. It felt like I'd been wandering around forever trying to locate the last box of t-shirts which had somehow been moved backstage. Even before I opened the door to what I hoped was the green room, I heard voices, but I didn't think much of it at first. They were so muffled that I couldn't even tell who was speaking.

As I searched around that outer green room, I realized it was only one voice. And I knew that voice, far, far to well. I tried to ignore it, but it wasn't muffled enough for me to drown out what were clearly frustrated, verging on angry words.

“You're acting like you haven't done this before, Katie,” he said. “Believe me, I'm not any happier about being away than you are, but what can I do? We planned this the best we could, and at least we got a few weeks together.”

I knew I shouldn't have been listening, but I hadn't searched this room yet. I wasn't _trying_ to eavesdrop; it was simply unavoidable. Still, I tried to focus on searching through the mess in the room, not Zac's increasingly angry phone conversation.

_Left a message but it ain't a bit of use,  
I have some pictures, the wild might be the deuce,  
Today you saw, you saw me, you explained,  
Playing the show and running down the plane _

“I know, Kate. I know. If it's too much, I'm sure Mom and Dad can watch them after school. Or, and this is a radical idea, maybe you can rely on that nanny I'm paying for. That is why I give her a check every month, you know.”

His sarcastic tone made me cringe, even though for once I wasn't the person all of his venom was being directed toward. At first, that made me feel better. Then I hated myself for feeling that way. Whatever Kate said back to him, I couldn't entirely imagine her deserving all of his anger, especially when she was at home with three kids, one of whom was only a few weeks old. For the first time, I began to wonder if Zac wasn't expecting too much of her, too. Maybe the things he'd told me about their marriage weren't entirely unbiased. I wasn't sure why that possibility hadn't occurred to me sooner, but I felt stupid because it hadn't.

“I'm done talking about this,” he spat. “No, I'm fucking done, Kate. We're just going around in circles, and I have a job to do... yes, a job. I'm supposed to be at soundcheck already, and I'm late thanks to your whining.”

I was beginning to think that I had really dodged a bullet by getting out of that _thing_ with Zac as soon as I had, even if it hadn't been my choice. I didn't want anyone to ever speak to me the way he spoke to his wife. I'd had enough of older men thinking they were smarter than me and could boss me around. 

“No, I am _not_ just trying to get you off the phone!” He screeched. “And what else would I be doing? I'm _working_ , Kate, and I'm not going to listen to you accuse me of shit, yet again.”

The denial rolled off his lips so easily. He could play the victim and say that she accused him, but I knew—and Kate clearly suspected—that she had reason to distrust him. I could only hope she never found out that her suspicions were correct.

“I'm going now. No. No! Fine, we'll talk about it later.” His last words were so laced with sarcasm that they made me feel sick.

I realized a second too late that he truly had hung up and was coming my way. Even though I'd spotted the box of t-shirts it was clearly that they didn't hold my attention. The second Zac burst through the door and saw that I was in the room, he turned his vitriol on me.

“Were you fucking eavesdropping?”

“No, I—I was looking for these... these shirts.” The words came out in such a stuttered mess that even I didn't believe them.

Zac's face contorted in anger as he approached me. “Don't fucking lie to me. You were listening, I know you were. How fucking _dare_ you try to get in the middle of my marriage.”

“I... I didn't...” I gaped at him, baffled that he could accuse me when he'd been just as much as fault as I was. I was too shocked to even call him out.

“You,” he said, like the word itself was a curse, and stepped in close to my face. “You need to stop trying to ruin my marriage. Just stay the fuck out of my marriage and my life and everything will be fine.”

He shoved past me then and hurried out of the room. After he left, I stared at the door he'd slammed behind him. I wanted to be so angry with him, but beneath his own angry words, I could hear how hurt he was. I knew Zac was misplacing blame and trying to convince himself that someone other than himself was at fault. 

It didn't make his outburst any easier to swallow, though, and I decided that I much preferred it when he was ignoring me entirely.

_I know, how I feel when I'm around you,  
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,  
I, I know, how I feel when I'm around you,  
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,  
Around you, Around you, Around you... _


	21. Something I Ate

As our time in Canada continued, I could see that Zac wasn't going to be any nicer to me. Taylor seemed to sense it, too, and he took it upon himself to distract me from Zac. I still wasn't sure if he really knew what had happened or if he just thought I had some stupid crush that Zac didn't have the patience to deal with. Taylor didn't exactly seem like the observant type, but he had certainly figured out that I needed a wide berth from his brother, and I loved him a little for providing it.

That was how I found myself sitting in a cafe in Toronto with Taylor, Isaac and Bex, the four of us crammed into one table that was not meant for so many chairs, while Zac sat on the other side of the room with the rest of the crew. It had to look strange, but the cafe was crowded anyway, and Taylor solved the seating problem by proposing that we four pull a few extra chairs into the one tiny table that remained. I could have kissed him for it, but I figured I'd kissed enough Hansons.

“So, I think we more or less got a contract drawn up for you over the break,” Isaac said, setting his coffee cup down on the table. He glanced at Bex. “Isn't that right? Just a few final touches?”

She barely glanced up from her iPad, which she was glued to even more than Taylor was to his cameras, and nodded.

“Of course,” Taylor said, a little more softly, “we need you to look over it, and we can talk you through a lot of what we're expecting from you. It's nothing that difficult to understand, just explaining all your duties, what you'll be paid for the internship, and so on.”

I nodded, but all of his words seemed to made my head go fuzzy. I had to dig my fingernails into my legs to give myself something to focus on so that I wouldn't just drift off entirely. 

“I know it sounds scary,” he continued. “But it's all really standard stuff. And we can help you with the move, too. Finding an apartment, getting your stuff shipped out to Tulsa, all of that stuff.”

That was when I realized just why his words made me feel so dizzy. I couldn't move to Tulsa. I just couldn't. 

“Colby?” Taylor asked, sounding miles away. “Are you alright?”

I dug my fingernails into my thighs even harder, until they penetrated through my dress and the thick tights below and really hurt. Slowly, I focused on Taylor's face and nodded. “Yeah, I'm... I'm okay.”

“You're not having second thoughts, are you?” Isaac cut in.

Trust the Hanson brother I'd bonded with the least to hit the nail on the head on the first try. “I'm just... it's a big change, I guess.”

“Would it help to come out and try it on for size over Christmas break?” Taylor asked. “There won't be much work to do then, so you can ease into it. And if you don't like it...”

He trailed off then, but I could tell by the look on his face that there would be no hard feelings, and at least he, if no one else, would be willing to let me go, no questions asked. It wasn't an especially appealing option, but I had a feeling it was my only easy way out, without saying no entirely. How could I just turn this opportunity, one I probably didn't even deserve, down? 

“I'll... I'll think about it,” I managed to squeak out just as the waiter arrived with our food.

“You've had poutine before, right?” Isaac asked before digging into his.

I tried my best to resist the urge to roll my eyes at him. “Yeah, all the time when I was a kid. I mean, I grew up in upstate New York, so we came to Canada pretty often. One of my uncles has a little cabin we would visit. I haven't been back for a long time, though, and you really can't get this stuff in the city. Or, you can, but it's not the same.”

Isaac nodded and smiled. “You always have to travel to get the authentic stuff, no matter what it is.”

I was happy for the conversation to shift to more general territory and away from the topic of the internship. We moved on to talking about all the places we'd all traveled to, and I actually enjoyed the conversation, even if I did still feel a little dizzy. I tried to ignore that and the butterflies in my stomach. I was sure that it was only the thought of moving to Tulsa, or even just visiting over Christmas, that was making me feel sick.

****

Even after lunch, I didn't feel much better. I couldn't stop thinking about Isaac and Taylor's words. Taylor's proposition that I come out and spend Christmas in Tulsa didn't seem like that much of a better alternative. If anything, I decided it would be even worse to spend the Christmas holiday with the entire Hanson family. There was no way I could fake a smile all the way through all that holiday cheer. I just knew they were the sort of family who enjoyed the holidays a little more than was really healthy. Even though Zac's little family was obviously less than perfect, their entire family was too large and too cheerful for me to handle.

The more I thought about what the next few months held for me, the worse I felt.

It was practically impossible to keep my mind off the whole Tulsa thing and focus on my job. All the fans who had decided to camp out outside the venue didn't make the job any easier, either. I didn't know how the guys could put up with it, and with Zac's attitude, it was a wonder he hadn't snapped at one of them yet. Maybe he had, and I just hadn't been around to see it. I was sure they were grateful for the fans, but to me, they were mostly just an annoyance, with their flashing cameras and constant chatter. 

As I made my way back to the venue from the bus for what I hoped was the last time, I ran into yet another group of fans. To my surprise, these girls approached me. I tried to ignore them and keep walking, my arms loaded down with boxes of merch that we'd apparently forgotten to bring in, but they stepped right into my path.

“You're part of the crew, right?” One of them asked.

I stared at her for a second, waiting to see if she was serious. Surely she could see that I was carrying merch and wearing a laminate giving me clear access to the backstage area. “Yeah. I am.”

“Can you give something to Zac for us?” Asked another girl.

It just fucking figured. Of all the things they could ask. I bit my lip and tried to take a few deep breaths to fend off yet another round of the nausea that had been plaguing me all day. Finally, I replied, “Yeah, sure. Umm... just put it on top of the box?”

She produced a ribbon covered baby blue gift bag from behind her back and plopped it down on top of the box in my arms. I didn't even have to guess what it was, but she told me anyway. “We just wanted to give him a little something for the new baby. I know it's silly, but after everything they've done for us... anyway, can you just make sure he gets that? It's not much, but we couldn't resist.”

“Yeah,” I replied tersely. “I'll give it to him.”

I had absolutely no intentions of giving it to him myself, but they didn't need to know that. As long as it somehow got delivered to him. That was good enough. I wasn't so cruel as to throw the gift out, but there was no way I could face Zac, especially not holding a gift bag for his son. It made me feel worse just to look at it resting atop the box of t-shirts, looking ridiculous with it's little ribbons and a little rattle making a big racket that seemed to echoed through the entire damn building.

I had no desire at all to seek Zac out to give him the gift, but I also didn't plan on carrying it around for the rest of the day. Yet I knew I couldn't just sit it down somewhere and hope it found its way to Zac. While I was trying to figure out what to do, I nearly collided with Taylor, skidding to a stop right as he came barreling around the corner, coffee in one hand and cell phone in the other. 

“Whoa!” He cried out, gripping his coffee tightly. “That was close... what's _that_?”

“Baby gift,” I practically spat out. “I ran into some fans who seem to think they're on gift giving terms with you guys.”

Taylor shrugged. “We've gotten stranger presents. It's kinda sweet, really. Well, I assume. I don't know what's actually in that bag.”

“Neither do I,” I replied. “But do you think maybe you could deliver it to Zac?”

He looked puzzled for a second, but then nodded as realization seemed to wash over him. “Yeah, no problem.”

“Great,” I replied, then felt a huge wave of nausea rush over me. Unlike the ones I'd been feeling most of the afternoon, this one didn't seem like it was going to pass so quickly. Although I wasn't sure opening my mouth was a good idea, I asked, “Actually, could you take this box too... just for a second...?”

Again, he seemed somewhat puzzled, but he did as I said. He quickly stepped out of my way after I shoved the box toward him and set off in hopes of finding a bathroom. I thought I remembered where the nearest one was, and I practically slid across the floor of it when I finally did locate it. I made it there just in time, collapsing onto the floor in front of the toilet as the worst wave of nausea yet came over me. 

I remained in front of the toilet for a long time, until I was certain I was rid of not just the poutine I'd eaten for lunch, but every meal I'd had for the past week. Even after it seemed there was no more food left in me, I couldn't stop shaking. I had to clutch the toilet seat, dirty though it probably was, just to keep myself from sliding to the floor completely and just laying there. My entire body felt like it was covered in a cold sweat. 

In my daze, I tried to remember if anyone else on the tour seemed sick that day. I didn't think so, but I'd been keeping to myself so much that I really hadn't noticed. Maybe it was just what I ate. But that didn't make sense either, since Isaac and Taylor had the same thing. Ultimately, I decided that it was just stress, since I had plenty of that and it was known to wreak havoc on my body in exactly this way.

“Hey, Colby,” Annalee said, knocking softly on the door. “Are you alright? Taylor said you were in here...”

“I'm f-fine... now...” I stuttered out, still shaking, more from the cold sweat now than anything else. At least my stomach had stopped churning and trying to rid itself of more food even though it had to be empty.

Annalee let herself into the room and stared at me. Judging by the look on her face, I must have appeared even worse than I felt. “You are so not fine. Look, you've got time to nap before the show. If you're still feeling bad, I can probably handle the merch booth by myself.”

“I can't... make you do that...” I replied, the words almost more than I had the energy to say.

“You're not making me do anything. I'm making you rest,” she said, offering me a hand to help me up. “Now come on. You can lay down on the couch out there, and I'll get you some water.”

I could see that it was pointless to refuse her, so I let Annalee pull me out of the floor and guide me to the couch in the green room I didn't even remember running through on my quest to find a bathroom. She sat me down on the couch and handed me a bottle of water from the catering table nearby. Even though I was still covered in a cold sweat, the cool water felt nice. It soothed my raw throat a little, even if it felt a little wrong in my stomach. I took a few more small sips before thanking Annalee and settling down on the couch to attempt to take a nap.

“I'll come see how you're feeling before the show, okay?” She asked, and I nodded in reply. “Okay, good. And don't lie to me. If you're really not feeling well, I'm positive I can handle things by myself.”

Seeing no other options, I just shooed her away and curled up into a ball on the couch. My stomach still felt wrong, cold and empty, but I was slowly starting to feel better. At least the nausea was gone, and I didn't think I would be making any more trips like that to the bathroom. I was just starting to drift off to sleep when someone gave me a soft nudge. I opened my eyes and saw Taylor peering down at me.

“Hey, are you feeling better?”

I shook my head, then regretted it, as the move only made me feel dizzy. “No, not really.”

Taylor frowned. “I hope we didn't... overwhelm you with all that talk about the internship.”

“No,” I lied. “I'm sure it was just something I ate.”


	22. Apologies

The guys joked about being alcoholics, but as the tour went on, I really started to wonder if there was some truth behind those jokes. It seemed they took every opportunity they could to go drinking, and only some of those opportunities managed to pass as promotion for their beer. The rest just seemed like shameless partying of the variety I'd seen people do in college. I never associated with the party crowd, though I did drink. My drinking was more along the lines of wine and cheese at endless music department parties where I knew I would never really fit in.

I wasn't sure I really fit in _anywhere_ , even now.

I definitely didn't have any interest in spending every night drinking and then having to do my job hungover the next day. Whatever bug I'd picked up in Toronto hadn't left my system yet, though no one else on the tour seemed to have it, which only cemented my suspicion that it was my nerves. I couldn't do this. I couldn't hack it in this business, at least not if meant working with Zac Hanson. All the nausea and puking was my stomach's way of getting that message through to the rest of me.

It seemed a little excessive, really. I had already very nearly made up my mind to tell Taylor I couldn't take the job, but I didn't know how to actually say it. And the longer I delayed, the more it made me sick.

I had hoped to get him alone when we had a night off, but of course, the band and crew decided to take advantage of that night off and go out drinking yet again. I had no desire to join them, and Annalee wasn't that much of a drinker either, so she stayed at the hotel with me. She wasn't feeling as sick as me, but I could tell she was tired, too, so the two of us had nothing more planned than showering and going to bed. I had showered first and was laying on my bed trying to find something to watch on television while Annalee took her shower. A knock at the door surprised me, since I was positive everyone else was gone. Who could possibly be coming to see us?

I should have known.

When I opened the door, Zac nearly fell into the room, a cloud of alcohol vapors following closely behind him. I gagged a little on the smell of it, a mixture of beer, vodka and sweat, and shoved Zac off of me. 

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked.

He frowned. “Talking to you. I mean, I wanted to. Talk to you. That's what I came... to your room for.”

“I don't think you're in any condition to talk,” I replied, then took a step back into the room, still holding the door open for him. “But I'm not going to argue with you in the hallway.”

Zac stared at me for a moment, his brain too addled by alcohol to process that I was telling him to come into the room. Finally he figured it out and followed me inside, letting the door slam behind him. I winced, hoping Annalee hadn't been able to hear that from the bathroom at the opposite end of the room. 

“What do you want?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

“To talk,” he replied, still looking perplexed.

I rolled my eyes. “You said that already. What about?”

“I... umm...” he began, clearly struggling to even think. I didn't think I had ever seen Zac that drunk, and it was almost more frightening than when he was angry. His face settled into a frustrated frown. “Why do you have to be such a bitch?”

“That's what you came here to talk about?”

“Not really, but you are one,” he replied. “You just... you can't just let things be, can you? I mean, my life was fine... well, it coulda been worse... before you.”

I walked back toward the door. “I'm sorry, but if you're here to blame me for ruining your life again, you can just leave.”

Zac shook his head. “No, that's not... I wasn't... What I mean is, you just frustrate me so much. I'm not blaming you. It's just a fact.”

“Whether it is or isn't a fact, you still need to go,” I replied. “Annalee is going to be out here any minute, and I really don't feel like explaining to her why you're drunk and rambling at me.”

“She doesn't know about us?” He asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Why would she know? Did you think I would tell her?”

Zac shrugged. “I don't know you. I don't know what you would do.”

“Of course I didn't tell her,” I practically hissed. “Despite what you seem to think, I'm actually _not_ trying to ruin your life. So no, I didn't tell her. Taylor suspects, I think, and I can't help that. But I haven't told anyone and I'm not going to.”

That seemed to surprise him. He recoiled from me like I'd actually hit him. “I didn't... I shouldn't have said that. About you ruining my life, I mean.”

“Damn right you shouldn't have,” I replied. “Now can you just go?”

“No, not before... it's just, I wanted to apologize, I guess.”

“You guess?” I echoed, raising an eyebrow.

He nodded. “I did. I wanted to apologize. For saying that. And just... god, this is all such a mess. I know I'm making it worse by... letting you into my life... but it was a clusterfuck anyway, and god forbid I actually do something that made me happy for once.”

I stared at him. I refused to let him get to me, even though he was so close. But what did it matter if I made him happy? I shook my head. “No. No, you don't get to be that selfish, Zac. Because you know—you just said it—that you're only making things worse.”

“And _you_ don't get to decide what I can do,” he replied, his voice turning into that angry growl I recognized immediately from my eavesdropping.

“When it concerns me, yes I do,” I replied. “I thought you figured out this was wrong. I thought that was why you have barely said ten civil words to me since Kansas.”

“Yeah, well, maybe a new baby can't fix everything,” he said. “I think Kate's figured that out, and you ought to figure it out, too. Don't assume you know anything about my life.”

I gaped at him. “I didn't... I didn't say that. You don't get to start snapping at me, Zac. I didn't do anything.”

“Whatever,” he said. “I don't know why I even bothered trying to apologize to you.”

“Then just go!” I hissed. “Annalee is going to come out and see this, and I can't explain it to her. And I don't care. Let it ruin your life. It'll be your own damn fault if everybody finds out what you really are.”

Zac stepped in closer to me and narrowed his eyes. “You'll be dragging yourself down with me, you know. If I'm so bad for sleeping with you, what do you think you are? Huh?”

I had no reply for that. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was just as bad as him. As Taylor had pointed out weeks ago, I knew who and what Zac was when I got into this. I made the choice to be with him anyway, so what _did_ that make me?”

“Fuck apologizing to you,” he spat. “You don't deserve it.”

With that, he turned and left. Only seconds after the door closed behind him, Annalee walked back out into the room. Thankfully, I was too shocked by Zac's mood swing to even cry, so Annalee didn't even seem to notice that anything was wrong. In a matter of minutes, we were both in bed and I was trying desperately to forget what Zac had said and go to sleep.

I wasn't successful until early in the morning, instead spending most of the night staring at the ceiling. I didn't even remember falling asleep, but I was jarred awake by my churning stomach just a little bit after nine in the morning. If we'd been working that day, it would have been my alarm or Machine knocking on the door that woke me, and I decided, as a scurried to the bathroom, that I would have greatly preferred either of those.

Once again, I found myself glued to the toilet, shaking and heaving even though there was nothing in my stomach that could possibly come up. I hadn't eaten anything but a tiny salad the night before, and it didn't seem to be the cause for this round of nausea. Still, I remained over the toilet, coughing and wishing I were dead.

“Are you alright?” Annalee asked from outside the bathroom. “Still got that stomach bug?”

“Yeah, and I guess I do,” I replied, pushing my hair back as another round of dry heaves hit me.

“I'm going to go get you some soda,” she said. “Maybe the vending machine has ginger ale or Sprite... something like that will help.”

I mumbled something I hoped sounded like “okay,” then leaned over the toilet again. Still nothing but nausea and those awful dry heaves.

A few moments later, when I heard Annalee returning the to room, I struggled to pull myself to my feet and rinse my face off. I didn't really need to, but a little cool water might feel nice, I decided. I splashed my face with it a few times, then gripped the sink as the room began to spin. Once it slowed down, I took a look at myself. I looked awful; I had definitely lost weight and there were huge dark circles under my eyes.

Right then, I made a decision. I couldn't take the job, and I couldn't stay on this tour any longer.


	23. Heal the Wound

It took me two days to work up the nerve to tell anyone I wanted to leave the tour and not take the internship. Even when I did finally talk myself into it, I still didn't have the nerve to tell anyone who mattered—that is, anyone who actually worked for 3CG. Instead, I took advantage of what little free time I had after setting up for the concert and went back to the bus to call Avery and talk things over with her. She was a cheerful person, but she could be reasonable and practical. She would help me through this decision, I was sure of it.

On the third or fourth ring, she finally picked up. “Hello?”

“Hey, Ave,” I said, hating how sad I sounded. I was sure she would notice.

“What's up? Is everything okay?” And of course, she did.

I sighed. “Not really. And it's not just... feeling homesick or not adjusting, so you can skip over telling me that, okay?”

“Okay,” she replied with a soft laugh, thankfully not offended by my words, which had come out angrier than I meant. I blamed Zac for that. “So what is it, then?”

“I don't really know,” I replied, the half-truth falling from my mouth easily. I really was turning into Zac, which was more than enough proof that I'd spent too much time with him. “I mean, for the last week or so I've been really sick. No one else has it, so it has to be stress, not some stomach virus. Or food poisoning, since we ate the same thing.”

“But you'll get over it, right? You just said, you're stressed.”

“Maybe, but you remember how I couldn't eat for a week after my last finals.” It was true. Even after I'd done the performance portion of my last final exams before graduation and was almost certain I'd passed with flying colors, I still couldn't eat for days.

“You have another break coming up,” she reminded me. “You'll have plenty of time to recover then.”

I sighed again. “It's not just that, Ave. It's just... I don't think I can do this. I don't like it. And I know that sounds childish, but I just need you to understand that. I don't think this is the life for me, and I want to come home. I want to work at the record store where I'm comfortable. Maybe some other opportunity will come along some day, but I just don't think this is the right one for me.”

Once I had actually said it, gotten at least some of it off my chest, I felt a lot better... until I realized how silent Avery had gone. Finally, she spoke. “You're... you're not just talking about the tour, are you?”

“No,” I replied, trying to fight back a sniffle that I knew would soon be followed by sobs. “I don't want to work for your brothers, and I don't want to be on tour any more. I want to come home... _now_.”

“Okay...” Avery replied, sounding unsure. “Okay. I'm sure we can sort this out. No one is going to make you stay on tour, but you've got less than a week until the break, right? You can stay for that long.”

“I guess so,” I said weakly.

“After that, they can find someone else to sell merch, I'm sure. One of their other interns... one of Joe's brothers... whatever, they can take care of it. And you're sure you don't want to do the internship?”

I nodded, even though she couldn't see me. “I'm positive.”

“I know that's been up in the air for a while anyway, so that's no big deal if you turn it down. But you need to tell them right away that you want to leave, okay? They've got to find a replacement.”

“I know... I just feel so guilty, and then the more guilty I feel, the more I put it off, and the more I put it off the more guilty I feel...”

“Sounds like that art history paper I put off until the night before it was due. Remember that?” Avery asked, and I knew she was trying to make me laugh at how crazy she'd gotten on all that coffee at three in the morning. I managed a tiny giggle, but it was accompanied by a few tears.

“Yeah,” I replied, sniffling. “Look, I'm sorry to be so... dramatic or depressing or whatever.”

“You wouldn't be Colby if you weren't,” Avery replied in a teasing tone that told me she didn't mean it as an insult. 

“Well, anyway, I should stop bothering you, and go... quit my job, I guess.”

“It'll work out,” she said. “But call me back whenever you can and let me know what's going on, okay?”

“Okay,” I replied. “I'll call you tonight if I can. Bye.”

“Bye, Colby.”

For a few minutes, I just sat on the back of the bus, trying to decide my next move. I distracted myself with a game on my phone, doing anything I could to keep from having to get off my ass and go tell the boys that I wanted to go home. It was terrifying to think about. I didn't know how I would possibly be able to get the words out.

“Hey,” Taylor said softly, rapping on the door. “Anybody in here?”

I glanced up, and the look on his face told me that he already knew something was wrong. 

“Can I come in? I think we have something to talk about...”

Before I could ask what he meant, he opened the door further and I saw Isaac and Zac standing in the hallway. The guilty look on Zac's face, practically the first one I'd ever seen him wear, told me all I needed to know. This time, he had eavesdropped on me. Finally, I gave Taylor a little nod. “Yeah, I guess... I guess we do need to talk.”

Taylor nodded. “You want to leave?”

“I do,” I replied. “I'm just... I don't think I'm cut out for this. I've been sick and homesick, and just... unhappy.”

I didn't meet Zac's eyes as I talked, but I knew that he knew most of that was his fault. At least, I hoped he did. If he felt guilty just for eavesdropping on my phone call, then he should have really felt like shit for the way he had treated me.

Taylor nodded again. “Okay. That's okay. We can find somebody else.”

“I'll call Joe,” Zac offered, the softness in his voice surprising me. 

“What about the internship?” Isaac asked.

I shook my head. “I can't. I just... can't.”

I couldn't say any more than that, either. The sobs I'd been trying to fight off took me over, and Taylor wrapped me up in his arms. Through my tears, I could see the confusion on Isaac's face. Of course he had no clue what was happening. And Zac... I couldn't place the emotion on his face at all, but for once, it didn't scare me.

****

We were in Halifax for two nights, which was apparently reason enough for everyone to go out drinking. Even though leaving the tour did, I suppose, give me something to celebrate, I didn't go with them. I stayed in the room, sipping a Diet Sprite and eating some peanut butter crackers. It was the first “meal” I'd eaten all day, and I knew it wasn't much, but at least it wasn't upsetting my stomach.

When a knock came at the door, I knew right away who it was. 

Sure enough, when I swung open the door, there was Zac. He looked like shit. I wondered if that was new, or if the bags under his eyes had been there for a while and I just hadn't noticed.

“You're leaving,” he said.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Because of me.”

I nodded. He lunged toward me, and it took me a moment to realize that he was trying to hug me. For once, I didn't smell alcohol on him. Or cigarette smoke. Or even sweat. He just smelled clean and like... Zac. I didn't want to let him go, so I pulled him into the room and let the door slam behind us.

“I'm sorry,” he mumbled against my shoulder, and this time I believed him.

Because I believed him, I didn't turn him away when he tried to kiss me. I knew I should have, but I decided that we both needed this one more time. This was the closest thing to closure that we were going to get before I left. 

I let Zac kiss my mouth, my face, my neck. I let him guide me back onto the bed and slowly remove my clothes. I did the same to his, sliding under the covers and taking him into my mouth before he fished a condom out of the pocket of his abandoned jeans. A tiny part of me wanted to be angry that he'd come prepared, just knowing that I would accept his apology, but that part was quickly silenced when he thrust into me. Being with him felt too good for me to be angry about anything. 

Of course, it couldn't last forever. Once we'd both come, our foreheads pressed together, staring straight into each others' eyes, we fell back to earth and I remembered why I was leaving. Because of him. Because of this. In the moment it felt right, but I knew it truly wasn't. Zac's silence as he returned from the bathroom and began to pull his clothes back on told me that he felt the same way. He didn't speak a word until he was fully dressed and had climbed back into bed next to me.

“So you're really leaving?” He asked.

“I am,” I replied, nodding. “I just... need to. You were right to push me away and try to work on your marriage. You know that.”

“If it fails, it fails,” he said, pulling me closer. “I don't want you to blame yourself, because the chances of it happening even without you in the picture... they're pretty high.”

“But it's better if I'm gone.” I snuggled up against Zac in spite of my words.

“Better for who?”

I sighed. “It's just better. You know it is.”

“Yeah...” Zac agreed with a sigh, then kissed my forehead. “And I know I can't spend the night either. As much as I want to.”

He nudged my chin upward and kissed me then. Even though I knew that he needed to leave, I wrapped my arms tightly around him and kissed him back, wishing we could just keep kissing all night. I knew we couldn't, though. We both knew, I think, that this would be the last night we spent together, so of course nether of us wanted it to end.

But it had to.

He pulled away first, then sighed and leaned his forehead against mine. “I'm going to miss you,” he admitted.

“I... I know.” I couldn't say it back, but the fact that I was clearly choked up seemed to say enough. In any case, Zac didn't seem bothered that I didn't say it back.

Finally, Zac gave me one last kiss, then pulled himself out of the bed. He slipped his shoes on, gathered up his wallet and cell phone, and left. I couldn't watch him go. I buried my face in the pillow, not wanting him or Annalee to see me cry. I didn't care that I was nearly suffocating myself. Watching Zac go and knowing it was my choice to leave... I couldn't begin to describe how much I was going to miss him. Those words weren't remotely adequate to describe how I felt right then. 

I couldn't imagine my life without him, but at the same time, I knew I didn't and couldn't have a life with him. Knowing that I was doing the right thing did nothing to heal the wound that had opened up inside my chest.


	24. Stranger Than Your Sympathy

_Stranger than your sympathy  
And this is my apology  
I killed myself from the inside out  
And all my fears have pushed you out _

I was right. That night in Halifax was the last time Zac and I were together like that. It did give us some sort of closure, though, and the last five days on tour together were surprisingly peaceful. We acted like civil coworkers, even friends, in a way we never had. It made leaving bittersweet, but I knew that the civility was only _because_ I was leaving. If I stayed, we would both still be putting everything at risk. So I had to go.

Joey had my job waiting for me like I knew he would, and soon enough I was settled back into my old routine. I knew everyone was curious why I was back home, but no one had questioned me on it... yet. I was certain it was just a matter of time before someone asked the wrong question, though.

I was digging through a box of random and mostly outdated Christmas decorations Joey had dug out of god knows where when Tobias nudged me. “Who's that guy?”

“What? Who?” I asked.

“I dunno, he keeps staring at you. I thought you knew him. He was in here a few times back in the summer before you left. Don't you remember him?”

I glanced in the direction Tobias seemed to be indicating and was surprised to find a guy who was, in fact, staring at me. As soon as I caught him, his eyes snapped away and down to the rack of CDs in front of him. I wasn't sure, but I thought he was even blushing. And he was _cute_. He was nothing like Zac, but Zac had been an outlier. This guy, with his dark, probably dyed hair and skinny, almost feminine little figure was far more my type. He did look somewhat familiar, but I didn't know him. 

“He's cute,” Tobias stage whispered.

“Oh, I see,” I replied, giving him a little shove. “You're just asking me about him because you hope I know him and I'll put in a good word for you.”

Tobias wasn't gay, as he liked to constantly remind us, but after he'd broken up with his college girlfriend, he'd sworn women off forever. So far, he seemed pretty serious about it, too, and he seemed to have a new little boyfriend—who he swore was just a friend—every week. The fact that we had the same type was a little weird, and even more annoying when the guys I liked turned out to bat for the team Tobias refused to admit he was even on.

“No, that one is all yours,” he said. “He's been in here every day this week, since you got back, but unless you're here, he barely even sticks around for five minutes. He's definitely into you, not me.”

“Whatever,” I replied, turning my attention back to the box in front of me and pulling out a tangled piece of garland.

“Not interested?” Tobias asked.

I shook my head. “I am so not looking for a relationship right now. It's the last thing I need, trust me.”

“Whatever you say...” Tobias replied, his tone implying that he didn't believe me at all. Luckily, he knew that it was time for a subject change. “So, any good plans for Thanksgiving?”

“None at all. I'm feeling too lazy this year to make the trip up to Saratoga Springs for the big family dinner at Uncle Max's, so I'll probably just pick up dinner somewhere and stay at home. Lame, huh?”

Tobias shrugged. “My parents are coming up to visit and no doubt complain about how much they hate the city, so... yours sounds better than mine. Think I can come over and hide at your place if it gets really bad?”

We laughed, but we both knew there was at least a hint of truth in what Tobias said. I didn't bother pointing out that he was lucky he still had his parents around, because I hated how trite that sounded. It was almost as bad as all the stupid platitudes people said to me about losing my parents. So I just laughed and told him he was more than welcome to come over and eat my cheap takeout food. 

While we were talking, the mysterious little emo boy must have walked out. I didn't even notice him go, and that made me strangely sad. I had no clue who he even was, so why did it matter to me? I didn't know, but... it did. I shook my head and dove back into the box of decorations, hating myself for so quickly developing a new little crush when I was sure I wasn't remotely close to being over Zac.

_And I wished for things that I don't need  
(All I wanted)  
And what I chased won't set me free  
(All I wanted)  
And I get scared but I'm not crawlin' on my knees _

Just as I'd told Tobias, I had every intention of spending my Thanksgiving alone. Avery and Annalee were back in Oklahoma, so spending it with them definitely wasn't an option. And while I was more than welcome to go up to Saratoga Springs to spend the weekend with Uncle Max and Aunt Susanna, in the house I'd lived in after my parents died, I didn't really want to. My appetite was back, at least, but the bus ride up there was certain to upset my stomach. I'd explained that to Aunt Susanna and she understood, assuring me that she would let all of my cousins know I wasn't feeling well.

And so that left me alone, coat buttoned up and scarf wrapped tightly around my neck as I walked home from work Wednesday night. I took a little detour to a restaurant off Bowery to pick up some sort of Thanksgiving dinner. I knew it was last minute, but restaurants in New York were prepared; I didn't think anyone under the age of forty in the city actually cooked their own holiday dinners. Sure enough, a few minutes later my arms were loaded down with curry chicken and a few side dishes. At least the mashed sweet potatoes and carrot cake were somewhat appropriate for the holiday. Another quick trip into a liquor store for a case of hard cider to wash it all down and I was ready for Thanksgiving dinner alone.

I knew it was a pretty pathetic way to spend the holiday, but I also knew I wasn't the only person in New York City doing it. There was something magical about winter in the city, but from the outside it was hard to see just how lonely it could be, too. It was a strange feeling to be so alone amongst so many hundreds of thousands of people, but I knew it was certainly possible.

At least my apartment was warm. It was small and empty, but the heat was on and it was cozy. I put my Thanksgiving dinner in the refrigerator and took my time getting ready for bed. It was still fairly early, so I had plenty of time to sit around in my pajamas and enjoy a cup of tea. Tea was good. It was one of the few things that had settled well on my stomach in the last few weeks. Soon enough, the tea was joined by a few cookies Avery had made for me. It wasn't a balanced dinner, but I didn't care. The last month or so had taught me that it was best to just eat when and what I felt like eating.

_We're taught to lead the life you choose  
(All I wanted)  
You know your love's run out on you  
(All I wanted)  
And you can't see when all your dreams aren't coming true _

After my less than healthy dinner, I settled myself into bed for the night. Not having to set an alarm was nice, and I let myself sleep in until just before the start of the Macy's parade. Even though I lived right in the city, I had no desire to actually venture out into the crowd of tourists; I'd done that once in college and that was enough for me. From then on, I was happy just watching it on television. With the volume up loud enough to carry into the kitchen area, I stuck a few waffles in the toaster and poured myself a glass of orange juice. 

Before I could even take the first sip, I felt my stomach begin to turn again. I knew that feeling. I rushed to the bathroom, reaching it just in time. Avery's sugar cookies weren't nearly as good as the second time around, but it was strangely better than dry heaving until my throat ached. 

Once the cookies were all gone, I sat back against the tub and tried to catch my breath. It was ridiculous that this nausea was still going on. My nervous stomach had never bothered me that much before. The more I thought about it, the more a horrible idea occurred to me. The worst of the nausea had always been in the morning. I was on the pill, sure, but I knew it wasn't completely effective, especially not the way I sometimes took it. 

Then I remembered that night in Chicago. We'd both had a few beers and I hadn't objected when Zac realized he didn't have a condom. I couldn't remember for sure, but it wouldn't have surprised me if I'd forgotten to take my pill at the right time—or at all—that day or the day before. It seemed impossible, and yet the more I thought about it, the more I was certain.

I was pregnant... with Zac Hanson's baby.

_And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was  
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted  
And all the dark and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me _

As I pulled myself off the floor and stumbled back to the kitchen, I tried to convince myself it wasn't true. I'd had a period, or something like it, during our last tour break. I remembered, because I was cramping so badly I almost canceled on Avery when she asked me to come to the cake tasting-slash-birthday party. But I was still taking my pills... who knew what weird side effects those were adding or masking. I had to take a pregnancy test, I decided. I had to know.

Just as I was pouring out the orange juice I knew I couldn't drink, I heard my cell phone buzz on the counter. The screen showed Tobias' name, and I swiped it to see what he had to say.

_Can u believe my parents went to the parade w/out me? What are u doing?_

I sighed. I could lie to him, but if I really was pregnant, he would find out eventually when I started to show.

_Puking my guts out. If your parents are gonna be gone for a while, you think you can do me a huge favor?_

I tossed out the now cold—and burnt—waffles while I waited for Tobias to reply. A moment later, my phone buzzed again.

_Sure, what is it?_

Taking a deep breath, I typed:

_Come over and pick me up a pregnancy test on the way?_

I thought surely he would say no to that, but thankfully, he didn't. He promised to be over as soon as possible, no questions asked. I sat on the couch, knees pulled up to my chest, and stared blankly at the television while I waited. The parade was on, but I barely even noticed it. I couldn't think about anything but the fact that my life was over. Zac's life was over... if I told him. I remembered his words: a new baby didn't fix anything. He'd been talking about his marriage, but the words still held true. A baby between the two of us would ruin everything. 

And yet... I couldn't get an abortion. I had no strong moral objections to it, but the idea of having one myself just didn't feel right. I had to already be a month and a half along, far too late to just take a pill and act like this pregnancy had never happened. And I couldn't give Zac's baby up. This baby was the only thing of Zac I had left to hold onto. Even though I wanted to hide it and pretend it wasn't happening... I knew I had to keep it. I had to cling to this little piece of proof that there _had_ been something between Zac and I. It was stupid, I knew, but it was how I felt.

When a knock came at the door, I nearly jumped off the couch. I hadn't realized how lost I'd been in my thoughts. I scurried to the door to answer it, not surprised to find Tobias standing there with a Duane Reade bag in his hand. Under his other arm, he clutched what looked like a box of donuts, and there was a sheepish smile on his face. 

“I thought you might need these,” he said, holding out the box to reveal apple cinnamon donuts. 

I took the box from him, then pulled him into a huge hug, yanking him into my apartment at the same time. He'd been one of my closest friends since I started working at Sit and Spin, but this was above and beyond the call of duty, and I think he knew that, but he did it anyway.

“Thank you so much,” I said, pulling him into the kitchen. I set the donuts on the counter, then pulled out one of the ciders I knew I couldn't drink and handed it to Tobias. With a heavy sigh, I picked up the plastic bag he'd sat on the counter. “I guess I might as well get this over with, huh?”

He nodded. “If you need me to do anything else, just let me know. It's really no big deal.”

I gave him another hug, then shuffled off to the bathroom like I was marching off to my execution. The test's instructions assured me a result in a matter of minutes, but even that felt like a lifetime. I couldn't sit there and stare at the test or I knew I would go crazy, so I walked back to the kitchen and found Tobias sitting at the counter eating a donut. I grabbed one of my own, but I could barely taste it.

Finally, I knew I could delay no longer. I marched back to the bathroom to read the results.

Two pink lines. Pregnant.

_And stranger than your sympathy  
And all these thoughts you stole from me  
And I'm not sure where I belong  
And no where's home and no more wrong _


	25. Asher

Even though it felt like my life was ending, I still managed to drag myself to work the next week. Joey didn't believe in Black Friday, so we had the holiday weekend off. I spent most of it sitting in my apartment eating takeout and watching the Christmas movies that had already started filling the channels even though Thanksgiving was barely over. 

I had been at work a few hours on Tuesday and was waiting for Tobias to get back from his lunch break so I could take mine when I saw Avery walk through the door. I wanted to duck under the counter and hide, but of course she'd already spotted me. Besides, what good would hiding do? I didn't want to think about it right then, but I knew eventually I would have to tell her I was pregnant. I was determined to put it off as long as I could, though.

“Hey, Colby!” She called out cheerfully as she walked over to the checkout.

“Hey...” I replied.

“I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I would drop in and see if you could come with me to the florist on Friday,” she said. 

“I have a doctor's appointment,” I replied. I left out the fact that it was my first prenatal appointment. Avery didn't need to know that, not yet.

“Oh,” she said, frowning. “Well, maybe next time. I doubt I'll decide on anything for sure this time, although I need to. I'm really running out of time. We need to schedule the last fitting for our dresses, too. I guess, umm, I'll call and let you know when I get that scheduled?”

“Yeah... okay,” I replied. 

I knew I didn't sound very enthusiastic, but I just couldn't. The more she talked, the more I felt like my world was closing in on me. I couldn't drop out of her wedding. But I would have to see Zac there. I would have to spend the entire wedding standing across the aisle from him. It was just one night, but it sounded like torture—especially when I remembered that I would no doubt be showing by then. My jeans already seemed to be getting tight, but I was sure that was my imagination.

Avery tilted her head to the side, still frowning. “Are you alright? You're not still feeling sick, are you?”

“No,” I lied. “I mean, I'm fine. I'm not sick. The doctor thing is... just a checkup.”

“Okay...” She replied, but I could tell she didn't entirely believe me.

From the corner of my eye, I spotted Tobias walking back toward the counter and I tried not to let my relief for the interruption show. “Umm, I think it's my break time now. You can... stick around if you want to, I guess...”

“Actually, I have to get back to work myself,” she replied. “But I'll call you in a few days when I know the details for the dress fitting, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” I squeaked out. “Bye.”

I didn't exhale until Avery was out of the shop. I hated lying to her, but for the moment, I didn't know what else to do. As Tobias approached, I could see the judgment on his face; he knew I hadn't told Avery, but he didn't know why. All he knew was that I was trying to keep the pregnancy a secret and that the baby's father wasn't going to be in its life. That was all I'd told him, but I was certain he would eventually put two and two together.

Right then, at least, he didn't say anything. He just told me he was ready to take over and let me have lunch, which I was more than ready for. Some days it was still a struggle to keep down what I ate, but my appetite seemed to grow by the minute. That day I'd packed a frozen burrito, a bag of barbecue chips and an apple so that I could at least pretend it was a balanced meal. I planned to go shopping after work that evening to pick up some healthier food and the prenatal vitamins I knew I needed to be taking.

When I hadn't been watching Christmas movies, I'd spent the weekend researching pregnancy, trying to figure out how far along I was and just exactly what was going on inside of me. Apparently, my baby was now roughly the size of a raspberry. It was hard to imagine that. How could something that tiny be throwing my life into such a tailspin? It was still so small that it was almost possible to convince myself it wasn't there at all. 

But I knew it was.

Soon enough, it would be obvious to anyone who saw me that I was carrying a baby. I didn't know what made me think I could actually go through with it. There would be all sorts of questions about the baby's father that I wouldn't want to answer. There would be judgment from some people. There would be my aunt and uncle's disappointment. And of course, there would be the financial strain.

I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I felt frozen. I couldn't undo it—technically, I could, but something told me not to go that route, not to even consider giving the baby up. I wasn't delusional enough to think that this child would somehow be reason enough for Zac to leave Kate and be with me. But it was _mine_ , even if it never had the chance to be _his_. And that made me want to find a way to keep him or her... even though it was difficult to think of something the size of a raspberry as him or her.

I knew that soon I would have to start thinking about not just genders and names, but cribs, diapers, and all sorts of things I wasn't prepared for. I didn't want to think about all of that yet.

It took me a long time to finish my lunch, but luckily Joey was pretty relaxed about things like how long our breaks lasted. I knew working in the record store was a dead end thing, nothing like touring or working for an actual label, but I really appreciated how laid back he was. It might have been a dead end job that wouldn't have paid my bills if I didn't have all that money from my parents saved up, but it was a job I was comfortable with. I didn't feel guilty at all about taking my time finishing lunch and heading back toward the counter.

When I finally did, Tobias looked my way and gave me a smirk. I didn't know what that was all about at first, but then I followed his slight nod and saw that little emo boy again. I rolled my eyes. That was the last thing I needed, and I thought Tobias had to be wrong anyway. Why would some random guy come into the store over and over again just to see me?

He wandered up and down the aisles for a long time, and I tried to distract myself with putting up the Christmas decorations that I'd sorted through before Thanksgiving. While I was stringing up lights on the wall behind the counter, Tobias evidently decided to wander away. I hadn't even noticed that he was gone until someone behind me cleared their throat. I ignored the sound at first, assuming Tobias would help them, but when they did it again, I realized I was all alone. I took a deep breath and climbed down off my ladder.... and came face to face with that little emo boy.

He gave me a sheepish smile and slid a few cds across the counter toward me. I wondered if he was actually going to say anything, and I really wasn't in the mood to put up with someone that shy. If Joey hadn't been such a laid back boss, my lack of customer service skills would have become a problem years ago. 

“Hi,” the boy finally said. “I, umm, just wanted to... buy these...”

“That's what they're here for,” I replied, hoping it didn't sound as sarcastic as I thought it did.

I grabbed the cds he'd put on the counter and began flipping through them. He had quite a stack and I wondered if he'd just grabbed them at random, considering how varied the genres were—he had everything from Avenged Sevenfold to Wilco. On top of a Ryan Adams album, I noticed a little folded slip of paper, and I didn't think it was anything we would have put on the shelf with the album. I flipped it open and saw a name and phone number on it.

“I'm guessing you're Asher?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

He blushed. “I'm sorry, that was... was that lame? That was probably really lame. I was hoping you'd just like, find it later, after I was gone or something...”

“But what if I did, and I didn't even figure out that _you_ were Asher?”

“I didn't really think that far ahead, to be honest,” he replied. “I'll just... I mean, you can throw it away or whatever, and we can just pretend I'm not this much of a loser.”

To my surprise, I found myself replying, “You're not a loser.”

“I'm not?” He asked.

“No,” I said, giggling. “It's actually kind of cute. Maybe a little weird, some might even call it creepy, but cute. And you're buying some pretty awesome albums, so...”

“Oh, so you're one of those people who judges others based on their taste in music,” he said.

“Would I be working in a record store if I wasn't?”

The boy, apparently named Asher, chuckled. “No, I guess not. So, umm, you think maybe you'll use that phone number... maybe to let me ask you out on a date sometime?”

“Maybe,” I replied, the word surprising even me.

“Great,” he said, a huge, genuine smile taking over his face.

His smile was infectious, and I found myself smiling back as I continued ringing up his purchases. As I did, he told me about his own band, which I could tell he was proud of. Even though I didn't really want to get involved with another musician, there was something about Asher's wide eyed enthusiasm that I really enjoyed. By the time he had paid for everything and was on his way out the door, I practically had butterflies in my stomach like I was some dumb teenager again.

“Hey, Colby?” Tobias asked, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. “Did I just see what I think I just saw?”

I rolled my eyes. “If you think you just saw yourself proven correct, yes. You were right. Asher just asked me out.”

“Ooh, his name is Asher? That's kind of hot.” Tobias grinned.

“It is, isn't it?” I replied in spite of myself. “He's just... I don't know. He's kind of adorable.”

“He is,” Tobias agreed, then glanced downward. “But what about...?”

I glanced down at my still relatively flat stomach. “Oh. Would you believe I forgot?”

“I would, actually,” Tobias replied slowly. “But don't you think he probably needs to know?”

I shrugged. “It's just one date. Maybe. Maybe not even that.”

Tobias seemed to accept that, but I wasn't so sure about my own words. It was proof, I decided, that I wasn't ready for this new life. How could I just forget? How could I bring some new, innocent boy into the mess I'd made of my life? How could I handle _any_ of this?

I didn't have any answers for myself.


	26. Drama

I couldn't say what convinced me to do it, because I knew it could only end badly, but I called Asher. Maybe I just wanted a little companionship before everything went to hell. I kept reminding myself that it wasn't like I would be tied to him forever. When he started to get too close, I could always run.

After just two dates, I wasn't sure I wanted to run.

Those first two dates were nothing groundbreaking, but maybe I liked how normal they were. With Asher, nothing felt dangerous, life or death. Things were just... easy. For our third date, Asher had reluctantly invited me to see his band open for another local band at the Knitting Factory. He was the shyest musician I'd ever met, so I wasn't surprised to see him playing bass and hiding behind his hair as he did it.

I stood by the side of the stage with the leader singer's girlfriend. I didn't catch her name, but I heard enough gossip about the entire Tribeca music scene to last me a lifetime. The music was what I cared about, not the gossip, and Asher's band wasn't bad at all. I felt kind of proud to stand by the stage and be the person he glanced at as he played.

When he came offstage at the end of their short set and kissed me, I didn't even mind that he was a little sweaty. It wasn't our first kiss, but it was our first public one, and it was strangely perfect.

That perfection only lasted a moment before guilt bubbled up inside me. The kiss made the lead singer's girlfriend and her friends take real notice of me, rather than just talking at me. They peppered me with questions, all of which I did my best to dodge, as the band loaded up their instruments.

Asher seemed to sense that I was uncomfortable, though he couldn't have guessed the entire reason why. He took my hand and asked, “Do you want to go home? They're all going to the diner, but...”

“What about the main band?” I asked, nodding slightly toward the stage where the headliner was setting up.

He shrugged. “We can go. You and me. We don't _have_ to stay.”

“Well... okay,” I replied, trying not to sound overeager to go, even though I was.

A few minutes later, after catching a ride part of the way in the drummer's van, we were walking hand in hand down the street to my apartment. Asher's small hand fit nicely in mine. The callouses on it reminded me of a certain someone, but I tried to forget that comparison. They were nothing alike.

“So, was my band up to your discerning standards?” Asher asked as we approached my apartment building and he held the door open for me.

“Not bad,” I replied, smirking. 'Really, you guys were good. Crackpot Theory, though?”

He shrugged. “Blame Jake. He doesn't just sing, he writes all the songs, too. And he seems to think he's some kind of genius.”

“So you're just along for the ride?” I asked, leading the way up the stairs.

As I led the way up to my apartment, not sure at all why I even let Asher trail behind me, I decided that was what I liked about him. He was flexible, malleable. I felt like I could say and do anything—well, almost anything—and not have to worry about his reaction. Maybe he was just that enamored with me, or maybe he really was so pliable that I could make him do whatever I wanted. I wasn't sure. I couldn't imagine he would remain that way if he knew the truth about me, though. But for now... for now he was.

I wasn't sure if he was going to follow me into my apartment, but he did. It was still early and we hadn't eaten yet. There hadn't been any craft services to speak of at the show, not like I had apparently become accustomed to, and I realized as I walked into my apartment that my stomach was practically growling.

“Umm, do you want to order some takeout? Or I could try to cook, I suppose.” 

Asher shrugged. “Whichever you want to do. You don't have to cook for me, I promise that isn't why I came back here with you...”

“And why did you?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. I tried to sound flirty, even though I was on the verge of panic. 

He wanted sex. Of course he wanted sex. I would have to tell him the truth. I couldn't just lie, couldn't let him touch my body like that without knowing what was— 

“Colby?” 

I blinked. “What?”

“Are you, umm... are you okay?” He asked, stepping closer to me. “You were... I dunno, like hyperventilating or something.”

“I was?” I asked. _Was_ I? I supposed I had gotten lost in my thoughts, but I didn't realize it had been for that long or that it had been noticeable at all. I must have done it again, because I flinched when Asher touched my cheek.

“You were,” he said softly. “What's wrong? Did I say something?”

“No, I... I was just thinking. Umm, I guess I'm pretty hungry. I forget to eat sometimes and... well, anyway, I can maybe heat up some leftover spaghetti? I was going to turn it into a spaghetti bake...”

I was rambling, I knew, but I couldn't stop. The easiest way to hide the truth was to cover it with a whole lot of distracting lies, wasn't it? That seemed to be the method of subterfuge I'd chosen right then, and for the moment, it worked. Asher seemed utterly distracted as he helped me in the kitchen, hunting for whatever supplies I asked him to find to assemble the spaghetti bake.

Despite my mother's best efforts to turn me into a regular Italian chef like herself, I'd never been very good at cooking. My growing appetite lately had me making all sorts of impulse purchases at the grocery store, though, which I had to later find some way to turn into a meal. It resulted in some pretty strange experiments, not all of which were edible, but at least it occupied my time when I wasn't at work. With my mind occupied by cooking, I hardly had time to think about what had changed to suddenly turn me into Julia Child.

Asher left me alone to my thoughts, or lack thereof, until the oven door was shut on our late dinner. Before I could get away or ignore him, he hopped up onto the counter in front of me and said, “Okay, spill. I know something was freaking you out earlier. If it was me or the band or anybody at the show, I wanna know.”

“It wasn't you,” I replied honestly.

“Then what was it?” He pressed.

“It was just...” I sighed, trying to find a way to say what I meant without actually saying it. “I just don't know what you see in me.”

Asher frowned. “What _wouldn't_ I see in you? You're adorable, smart, you don't take shit from anyone, but you're not into drama at all. You're the most chill, low drama girl I've ever met.”

“If you only knew,” I mumbled. “I really, really wish you were right. But I don't think you could be farther from the truth. At least about the drama thing. I am fucking adorable, though.”

“You are,” he agreed, pulling me closer and kissing my forehead. “Now, what kind of drama could you possibly be? Because I'm just not seeing it.”

“Because I didn't want you to see it,” I replied. “But that's like the worst way to start... this... isn't it?”

He raised a eyebrow. “This?”

“Whatever, don't interrupt me,” I said, nudging him teasingly. 

“Okay, okay,” he replied, smiling faintly, then turning more serious. “So what deep, dark secret are you hiding from me?”

I sighed. “Maybe you didn't notice, but I tried to ignore you. And I had my reasons for not wanting to get involved, but somehow you wore me down. And I almost wish you hadn't, because it's just... it's not fair.”

“What's not fair?” He asked. “You're not making sense, sweetheart.”

“I'm sorry, I think I'm talking in circles,” I said, turning back to the oven which was now beeping at me. As I pulled the casserole dish out, I added, “Just forget I said anything. Or don't. I just need to figure out a better way to say it.”

“Okay,” he replied, and I heard his soft footfalls on the floor as he hopped off the counter. Seconds later, his arms wrapped around me from behind and he rested his head on my shoulder. “Tell me whatever you want whenever you want, okay? But right now, let's eat.”

Asher, being the disgustingly perfect little boy that he was, carried my plate to the couch for me. We sat down to eat in silence, and I thought it was going to drive me crazy but I didn't want to turn on the television, either. I knew I needed to fill that silence with my own words, but it was still so scary. Still, why did I care what this boy thought? I barely knew him. And yet, I did care, and that was why I knew I couldn't keep it a secret.

“I'm pregnant.”

I didn't even realize I'd said it out loud until I felt Asher's eyes on me, wider than I'd ever seen them. His fork fell to his plate and his mouth fell open. “I... okay, I'm pretty sure I would remember that, so...”

I shook my head. “No, it was... it was before we met.”

“But you're...” He began, then bit his lip and stared down at my still relatively flat stomach.

“I'm just about eleven weeks along,” I replied. “It's weird, I can barely even tell, but I _know_ I am. But I feel like I look exactly the same as before. I guess... well, you'll probably be able to really tell soon. Right now I just look like I need to lay off the ice cream.”

Asher nodded slowly, still looking like he was in a daze. I was just waiting for him to get up and run out the door. “So you... that's why you didn't want to... to date me?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “Well, it's why I figured _you_ wouldn't want to date _me_.”

“Where's the... I mean, what about the, umm, dad?”

I knew that question was coming. “England, I think. I haven't seen him since before I found out. He doesn't know, and he's not going to know.”

“But that's...”

“If he finds out, then his wife will have to find out,” I replied softly.

If I thought Asher's eyes were wide before, it was nothing compared to how shocked he looked right then. To my surprise, though, he still didn't run. Instead, he grabbed my plate and placed it beside his on the coffee table, then pulled me toward him, practically into his lap.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

He shrugged. “I just... I dunno, seemed like you needed a hug? I'm sorry I'm so lame, I just... that's...”

“It's crazy, I know,” I replied. “Honestly, I wouldn't blame you if you leave right now. I mean, it's just... it's not like I planned it this way, but I think it's definitely some crazy drama. And I didn't want any of it, but...”

He pulled back slightly. “But you're keeping the baby?”

“Yeah,” I replied, nodding. “I couldn't really imagine doing anything else. Not that I think it's wrong or whatever, I don't know. It's just... I couldn't. I have to keep this baby.”

Asher nodded. “Okay. That's... I get that.”

“I'm not just... using you or whatever,” I said. You wouldn't have known it to look at Asher, but he came from old money, far older than my own. I hadn't realized until right then how it looked, but it wasn't as though I could have really pretended the baby was his. He would know better.

“Hey,” he said, putting a finger to my lips to stop me. “I didn't think that. It really didn't even occur to me. And it's probably weird or whatever, but... well, I'm not leaving. I like you. Maybe more than I should, but whatever. So I'm sticking around until you get sick of me.”

“Even when I get as big as one of the Macy's parade floats?” I asked, somewhat in disbelief, even though the look on his face said that he meant every word he said.

“Even then,” he replied with a shrug, like it was nothing.

“You might be insane,” I said.

Asher grinned. “Maybe. Are you complaining?”

“Not really,” I replied. “But I hope you weren't expecting a more exciting evening than this.”

He raised an eyebrow. “I dunno, finding out you... well, it's been a revealing evening, anyway.”

“You know what I meant,” I said. “I'm probably about five minutes away from passing out. You're lucky I've stayed awake this long.”

Asher chuckled. Without another word, he picked up our plates and carried them to the kitchen. I helped him rinse off the dishes, at least, and put away what we hadn't eaten, but it was obvious that he wasn't going to stop trying to be helpful. I wanted to question why he was still there at all, not running from the crazy pregnant woman. What did he have to gain from being with me? He had to be working some kind of angle, but I couldn't find it. Until I could, I supposed it didn't hurt anything to stay with him.


	27. Throw Down Your Weapons

I didn't understand it at all, but Asher didn't run after I told him about my pregnancy. If anything, he became even more clingy. A few times a week, when he wasn't in class, he would come to the store and eat lunch with me and then just hang out until he started to get on Joey's nerves. At first it was just on the weekend, but eventually he was spending almost every night at my apartment, since it was no farther from NYU than his own. With classes, band practice and concerts, it wasn't like he was there _that_ much. It was easy enough for me to ignore the fact that he had practically moved in.

It was really just nice to have someone who didn't hide or try to pretend that they didn't want to be with me. It was nice to have a relationship that just worked so easily. Whether Asher was really the guy I wanted to be with... that was irrelevant, I decided.

Even though the relationship was moving along—quickly for just a few weeks, I knew—we decided not to spend Christmas together. I had a feeling his family wouldn't have approved of anything about me, even if I hadn't been pregnant, and I wasn't sure I even wanted to tell my family. Of course I had to eventually; it was getting harder and harder to hide by the day. But springing the news on my own without Asher there to complicate things more seemed like the way to go. 

I didn't know why I thought it would make a difference. Apparently just a year had been long enough for me to forget how crowded Aunt Susanna and Uncle Max's house was at the holidays. Family from all over the state and even the country—those who didn't mind braving New York winters, that is—gathered at their house in Saratoga Springs. There were so many people that a lot of them ending up staying at hotels in the city, but I got to stay in my old bedroom. It had been my cousin Jaclyn's first, but she had moved out for college several years before I was forced to move in with my aunt and uncle. The room had only been mine for a year, so it hardly looked like mine at all. When I woke up there on Christmas eve morning, it took me a few minutes to remember where I was. Once I did, I could hear vague shuffling sounds and muffled voices, so I knew the rest of the family was starting to arrive.

I showered and got dressed before heading downstairs. I should have showered the night before to get the icky bus smell off, but I'd been too tired. Once I was clean, I got dressed in a big bulky sweater dress that helped cover the small bump I'd grown. I combed out my hair, which I hadn't had time to dye lately so the brown roots were starting to show, but didn't bother putting on any makeup. It was still early; I could worry about looking presentable after breakfast.

The first floor wasn't as crowded yet as I expected it to be, although a few cousins and such were wandering around. Jaclyn's twins were sitting at the kitchen table eating bagels; I wasn't surprised to see them already, since Jaclyn and her husband just lived on the other side of town. Aunt Susanna was bent down to look in the refrigerator, so she didn't notice me until I cleared my throat.

“Oh, Colby,” she said, glancing up. “I was just about to come wake you up when I heard the shower. Jac brought bagels and lox, and I was thinking about making frittatas. And there's still some coffee if you want a cup or two.”

Aunt Susanna never stopped moving—at least, I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen her sit still for more than a few minutes at a time. I knew it wouldn't be long before she had all of us in the kitchen helping to prepare the Christmas feast that we would still be eating leftovers of days later. 

“What would you like?” She asked, grabbing a coffee cup and starting to pour a cup for me.

“No coffee,” I replied. “I'll just have juice.”

She eyed me suspiciously. “Are you sure? Because I'm going to make frittatas anyway, whether you want one or not... and I seem to recall that you used to _love_ my frittatas, so...”

I sighed. “Just the cheese and mushrooms in mine, if you don't mind.”

“You're not doing one of those vegetarian diets, are you?” She asked, cracking a couple eggs into a bowl.

This was happening all wrong. This wasn't how I was supposed to break the news to her, not over breakfast with all the stress of the day still to come and two of my baby cousins within earshot. Everything was all wrong. But how was that anything new?

“No, but I...” I began, then sighed. “I can't eat fish right now. Or drink coffee.”

I watched Aunt Sus, waiting to see if that would be enough for her to connect the dots. At first, I wasn't sure that she had, as she continued mixing her ingredients as though I hadn't said anything. A second later, her head raised slowly and she mouthed one word— _pregnant_? 

I nodded.

The whisk fell from her hand, and I braced myself for her reaction. Her lips twitched like she was going to say something, and I could even see a few tears gathering in her eyes.

“Aunt Sus... I'm... I'm so sorry,” I said.

She shook her head, then rushed around the counter to wrap me up in her arms. “It's not... no, I'm just... oh, honey. I'm sorry. I just hate that I'm the person you're telling instead of your mom. These are the kind of milestones you ought to be sharing with Glory, not with me.”

Glory was her nickname for my mom—Maria Gloria, her best friend since elementary school. The only time the two of them had ever fought had been when Aunt Sus started dating mom's older brother... who she married a month after they graduated from high school, thus securing her place as my aunt. Christmas without her best friend turned sister was already hard on her; I hadn't even thought about how much harder my news would make it.

“Oh, Aunt Sus...” I said, feeling myself starting to tear up the tighter she hugged me.

“What's wrong?” Olivia asked from the table. I'd forgotten she and Alex were sitting there. 

Aunt Susanna peeled herself away from me and gave her a smile. “Nothing, Livvy. We're crying happy tears.”

After she said it, I realized she was right. Even though everything about the situation was wrong, I couldn't help being happy about the baby. I didn't understand it, but it was how I felt.

****

Although the rest of the holiday was about the little kids, I spent most of Christmas Eve answering—or dodging—questions. Aunt Sus couldn't keep her mouth shut, but I had expected that. I had mentioned Asher once or twice, so they all made their own assumptions. The fact that I was seemingly happy about the pregnancy, and right then I actually was, gave everyone else in my family permission to be happy about it too, I supposed.

More than once during the celebration, someone chastised me for not breaking the news sooner so they could have bought presents for me and the baby. I reminded them that I was still only in my first trimester, but it didn't seem to put a damper on their enthusiasm. I knew I was getting in over my head, but I didn't know what to do about it. As the day wore on, my happiness waned and I went back to feeling like being pregnant was a curse.

Later in the day, once everyone had gone back to their own homes or hotels, I found myself just sitting in the living room with a glass of apple cider and a plate full of cookies. Miracle on 34th Street was on television and I couldn't tear my eyes away from it. It was my favorite Christmas movie; I remembered watching it for the first time at my grandparents' house the Christmas before Grandma died. After that, Grandpa moved to Italy to get back to his roots. I remembered hearing Mom call it a three quarter life crisis, which I didn't understand at the time. All I knew was that things changed, but somehow those changes didn't taint my memory of the movie.

“Still your favorite?” Aunt Susanna asked. I hadn't even heard her walk into the room.

“Yeah,” I replied. “And so are your oatmeal cookies.”

“I made those just for you. I think you and me are the only ones who like them,” she said, sitting down next to me on the couch. It was then that I noticed the box she was carrying, which she sat in her lap.

“I thought we were done with gifts,” I said.

“We were,” Aunt Sus said, sliding the box into my lap. “But I hadn't planned on this one. And it's just the first of many, but with all the Christmas decorations out, the attic was too much of a mess for me to find the rest...”

I frowned, not understanding at all. The box had my name on it, though, so I peeled back the paper and opened it. When I lifted the lid, I saw a pastel quilt that was very familiar to me. It was my own baby quilt, one that I knew Mom and Susanna had sewn together. I looked up at her, puzzled. “Why did you...?”

“It was all I could find, like I said,” she replied. “I have all your baby things here. I didn't know what else to do with them, and I knew you didn't want to help clean out the house, so... I just packed it all up and stored it here. Maybe you didn't even know your mom kept it all, but she did.”

I shook my head. “I didn't know.”

“Well, it's all here, if you ever want to go through it,” Aunt Sus said. “I'm sure you don't know yet what you're having, but the quilt is neutral enough. If it's a girl, though, there are a million adorable little outfits waiting for her up there.”

“I'll umm... I won't find out for over a month. I haven't even thought about names or anything....”

Aunt Sus nodded and rubbed my back. “That's okay, sweetie. You have plenty of time. Where is your... what did you say his name was, Asher?”

“Yeah,” I replied, swallowing around the lump that formed in my throat to remind me that I was lying to her. “He's, umm, he's with his family.”

“You two will have plenty of time to figure everything out,” she said. “And you know if you need anything at all, we're here for you. But you can handle yourself. I know I keep... hovering and trying to be a mother to you, and Max keeps reminding me you're a grown woman now... I mean, you went all over the country on your own this fall, didn't you?”

I nodded. “Yeah, well... not by myself, but...”

“Even so, I keep seeing you as little Colby. Now you're going to _have_ a little Colby.” She smiled when she said the last part, and I felt a little sick that she was so happy for me, when she really shouldn't have been. “Now, I know you don't need money or anything, but if you need anything else, you know I did have a few children of my own. Anything at all you need or if you just want to talk...”

“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “I know. And... thanks, Aunt Sus.”

She pulled me into her arms again, and although I hugged her back, I felt sick. It wasn't as though I had told her Asher was the father, but she assumed. And I let her assume. In the end, it was just as bad as lying. The result was the same. The truth was hidden and I felt like a horrible person who didn't deserve a tenth of the support my family was giving me.


	28. Happy New Year

For days, I had been ignoring Avery's texts and phone calls. I knew it was bad but I couldn't stop myself. I had nothing to say to her. Whatever I did say was guaranteed to make me look guilty because I just wasn't good enough to keep up this lie much longer. I knew I wasn't. I could feel myself starting to go crazy already.

The one time we actually had spoken, I had waffled about whether or not I wanted to go to her brothers' New Years Eve concert with her. My excuse had been that I didn't know if Asher—who I'd felt forced to tell her about—was busy, and I didn't want to go up to Syracuse without him. It was a flimsy excuse, and I think Avery knew that, but she didn't press. At least, not until New Years Eve itself, when she called me while Asher and I were shopping.

“Avery, I just really don't think we're going to make it,” I said, slowing down to put a little distance between myself and Asher. I didn't want him to listen to this.

“There's still time,” she replied. “It could be really fun to go see them without having to work, don't you think?”

No I didn't. Not at all. But I couldn't tell Avery that. “I just.... haven't been feeling very well lately. I wouldn't be any fun at a concert.”

“You're not going to try to go to Times Square, either?” She asked.

“Hell no,” I replied. “I did that once, for you, and never again. Remember how much fun I wasn't that night? Because I would be even worse tonight, trust me.”

Finally, Avery sighed. “Okay, okay. But we need to get together soon. I feel like I haven't seen you for years.”

“I know,” I replied. “I've just been working a lot, and going to Asher's concerts...”

“Yeah, well, you need to introduce me to this Asher guy,” Avery said. “You know I need to approve of any new man in your life.”

I almost laughed at the absurdity of it. If Avery had any idea... But that was the point. She couldn't know, and that was why I kept hiding from her, until I could figure out how to explain this baby growing in my belly. Right then, I still didn't know how to tell her. So I kept making excuses. Finally, after a few more minutes of back and forth while I wandered up and down the ice cream aisle, Avery relented and said she would come see me soon. It was the best I could do, I decided.

Once I finally got Avery off the phone, I grabbed a carton of cookie dough and shuffled down the aisle to find Asher. When I put the ice cream in the cart, he gave me a strange look, and I wasn't sure if it was because of the ice cream or because of the phone call. I distracted him by asking if he wanted another flavor, and for the moment, it seemed to work.

We finished shopping a few minutes later and headed back to my apartment. Even though I had told Avery that we might have plans, we really didn't—nothing that couldn't be changed, at least. Since I couldn't drink and I couldn't handle the crowds even at the best of times, we had no plans to go to Times Square or any other big party in the city. We planned instead to sit in my apartment and watch the celebration on tv. If it wasn't too cold, we might bundle up and sit on the roof. You couldn't see the fireworks that well, but there would still be people on the streets and all sorts of celebration going on below us.

It was a boring plan, but Asher and I were like that. He was clearly a homebody anyway, and I was becoming more and more of one with every day that passed.

I fell into bed right after we finished putting away the groceries. I was too tired to even comment on the fact that Asher had paid for all of them. Like Zac, he didn't seem to grasp that I wasn't hurting for money. Sure, I didn't have as much of it as either of them, but even college hadn't put that much of a dent in the life insurance money or the money I'd gotten after selling everything from Mom and Dad's house that Aunt Sus hadn't wanted to keep. I certainly didn't need Asher, or even Zac, to take care of me and this baby.

But Asher insisted. He ushered me off to bed, assuring me that I had plenty of time to nap before I would risk missing the celebration. So I did, waking up quite some time later to the smell of food. It made my stomach turn a little until I recognized it as the curry chicken we'd bought the ingredients for. Unlike me, Asher could cook. Apparently he had lessons from their maid when he was kid, further proving my point about just how rich he was. I didn't really care how he'd learned to cook, though, as long as I could reap the benefits.

A glance at the clock showed that I had taken quite a long nap, so I pulled myself out of bed and straightened my hair—still not dyed, but getting closer to an almost fashionable ombre look—and clothes, then headed to the kitchen.

“You need to stop being so perfect,” I said when I walked into the kitchen and saw Asher standing over the stove.

“What? Perfect?”

“You know what I mean,” I replied. “You need to stop doing everything for me.”

He just shrugged. “I don't mind. I want to.”

It wasn't much of an answer, but it was an honest one. Maybe he had another motivation besides just being a good person, but I hadn't figured it out yet. For the moment, I didn't really care. This was easy and simple and it worked. He cooked, we ate dinner together, we washed the dishes together... It was boring, maybe, but I liked it. We were in a nice little routine that had seemed impossible for me to ever find just a few weeks ago.

Our only deviation from the routine that night was our New Years Eve celebration, if it could even be called that. Once dinner was finished, we bundled up in thick flannel pajamas, coats and scarves and carried a couple glasses and a bottle of sparkling grape juice up to the roof. For a long time, we sat in silence, but Asher finally broke it.

“Hey, Colby?”

“Hmm?” I asked, glancing down into my juice.

“I was just wondering... what was that phone call all about?”

“What phone call?” I knew I couldn't play dumb with him, but I tried anyway.

“Someone named Avery,” he replied, letting me keep up the act at least for a moment. “It almost sounded like an argument, and I know you've been ignoring her phone calls... I'm sorry, it's your business, forget I asked.”

“No, it's... it's fine,” I said, even though it really wasn't. “She's just been bugging me to get together lately, and I really don't want to.”

“No offense, but... I mean, I haven't seen you hang out with anyone else, aside from me, the guys and the guys you work with.”

“Yeah, well, I just don't feel like hanging out with her, okay?”

“Okay,” he replied. “Like I said, it's none of my business.”

I sighed. “No, it actually is. I'm just being difficult. It's just, Avery wanted me to go to this New Years Eve thing, and... her brothers will be there...”

Asher's brow furrowed. “I feel like I'm missing some important detail there.”

“You are,” I replied, glancing down into my glass again. “It's... one of her brothers. He's the... he's the father.”

“Oh,” he said, almost dismissively. “ _Oh_. And Avery doesn't know, does she?”

I shook my head. “She doesn't even know I'm pregnant yet. Which is going to be a problem if I'm still in her wedding party in few months.”

“Oh... shit.” It was the first time I had ever heard Asher say that word.

“I know,” I replied. With a tiny smirk, I added, “Seriously, you need to just run while you still can.”

He reached for my hand and clutched it tightly. “Well, I'm not going to. But that doesn't mean I won't try to give you some advice... which is that I think you probably need to talk to Avery.”

“And tell her what?” I asked.

“I don't know,” he replied. “I really don't. But you can't just keep ignoring you friend like that.”

“Just watch me.”

Asher gave me a little glare. “Look, I'm not saying you have to tell her the whole truth, because it sounds like... I don't know, but I'm not telling you to lie either. That's bad, too. I just think you should try to talk to her a little. Don't just keep ignoring her.”

“So, I shouldn't lie but I shouldn't tell her the truth?” I raised an eyebrow.

He shrugged. “I don't know. I didn't say I was going to give you _good_ advice.”

“Obviously not,” I replied, smirking a little. As I continuing speaking, the smirk fell away. “Have you, umm, have you thought about... what's going to happen when I have this thing?”

“What do you mean?”

I sighed. “I mean, I'm going to have this baby and they're going to want me to put a name down. A father's name. And I'm not putting Za—I'm not putting his name. But I can't very well put yours, can I?”

“Can't you?” He asked. “I don't know, I honestly hadn't thought that far ahead. Is that bad?”

“Maybe a little,” I replied. “There's so much planning that I haven't done yet, and I'll admit I'm just... well, just procrastinating. Like if I don't do it, I can keep pretending I'm not _really_ having a baby.”

“But you are.”

I glared at him. “Thanks for the reminder.”

“I'm sorry.” Asher sighed. “It's just, I don't know... this is all kind of... overwhelming, and I know it's even worse for you.”

I shrugged. He was getting too emotional for me and I didn't like it. Even though I was the one to bring up the subject, I didn't want to think about what would happen in six months. Other than the old things of my own that Aunt Sus had found, I didn't have any baby supplies yet. I hadn't picked out a name. I didn't have a birth plan. And now I was realizing the serious dilemma of who to list as the father on the birth certificate.

There was a part of me that hoped the last one wouldn't even be an issue by then. I wasn't going to voice it to him, but there was the possibility that Asher and I wouldn't even be together by then. I didn't think he could handle it if I suggested that, though, so I kept that thought to myself and gave him the best smile I could manage.

“I'll be alright,” I said. “I'll figure everything out. Somehow.”

Asher smiled back, then pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed it. “I know you will. Doesn't stop me from worrying about things.”

“Yeah....” I replied, sighing.

I was sure Asher wanted to say something else, but the sound of fireworks drowned him out for a moment. He pulled me closer, and I let him, setting my glass down on the blanket so that he could pull me practically into his lap.

During a lull in the fireworks, he kissed my forehead and said, “Happy new year, Colby.”

I could already feel myself tiring of his affection, but for the moment, I was still happy to have anyone's affection. I just hoped he didn't get any more clingy.


	29. Avery

The next few weeks progressed in more or less the same way. In spite of what Asher had said, I made no attempt to talk to Avery. I knew it was bad. Her wedding was in less than a month, and I hadn't been there for her or done anything at all since before Thanksgiving to show that I even wanted to be in the wedding. I couldn't drop out, but I couldn't face her, either. I was stuck.

She called or texted practically every day, and every time I ignored her. One day the texts came in one right after another so that my phone never stopped buzzing. I deleted each one without reading it. After a few hours of that, Tobias noticed something was wrong.

“I know you're not ignoring Asher,” he said. 

“No,” I replied. “It's just... Avery's been bugging me about wedding stuff.”

He nodded, as though that explained everything. It really didn't. “You're still going to be in her wedding though, right? In your little dress, with your little bump...”

I made a face, and put one hand over my stomach. “Thanks for reminding me. Yeah, I guess I am. I don't know.”

“Well, you two probably need to figure that out,” he said, then took a few steps closer to me and lowered his voice. “I mean, I know it's not Asher's, so... I'm guessing whoever's it is, you met him on tour. I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, but I can do the math. And I have a feeling that's why you've been avoiding Avery.”

“I'm not saying you're right,” I replied, practically hissing at him. “But you need to not do the math. Just... drop it. It's best if certain people don't ever know the truth. And before you ask, yes, Asher knows it isn't his.”

His eyes widened. “And he's still with you? No offense.”

“Yeah. I don't get it, but he is.”

Tobias jut shrugged and smiled. “I knew he liked you. Sounds like he's a real keeper.”

“More of one than the guy responsible for this,” I replied, pointing to my stomach.

Tobias laughed, but it wasn't really that much of a joke to me. In a lot of ways, I supposed Asher _was_ a keeper, but he made just as little sense to me as Zac did. I didn't understand why either of them did the things they did, but at least I benefited from Asher's weirdness.

After another hour of ignoring Avery's texts, it was time to go home. I stopped along the way to pick up Chinese takeout. I ordered a few more entrees than I really needed, but I figured Asher would be by the apartment after band practice and he would want to eat. Besides, now that I was in my second trimester and all the nausea was gone, I had a feeling I could have eaten everything I'd bought and more.

With my arms loaded down, I headed back to my apartment and carefully made my way up the stairs. I was so focused on balancing the containers of food and figuring out how I was going to open my door without dropping them that I almost didn't notice the person standing in front of said door.

Avery.

“At least you're not dead,” she said, looking me over. 

I held the food closer to my body, even though I knew my coat covered my bump. In spite of her angry words, Avery grabbed some of them from me so that I could open the door. Apparently she had decided to invite herself in, which I wasn't exactly thrilled about, but I didn't think I had any right to complain about how _she_ treated _me_. Instead, I let her in and offered her some kung pao chicken. We didn't exchange any words other than mindless pleasantries as she took the container of chicken from me and searched for one of rice. I poured glasses of water for both of us and contemplated how long I could keep my coat on before she started to wonder what my problem was.

“Colby,” she said, while I still had my back turned, putting the extra food in the refrigerator to save it for Asher. “We need to talk.”

I knew that was it. It was one of those now or never moments, and I could see no way out. I turned around and unbuttoned my coat slowly, then shrugged it off. Standing all the way back against the refrigerator, I knew Avery could see my stomach. She could see the reason why I'd ignored her for weeks.

“Colby?” She said, her tone making my name sound like a question. 

I nodded. “Yeah.”

Avery's eyes widened and she hopped off the stool, quickly crossing around the island toward me. “You're going to have a _baby_? Why didn't you tell me?”

“I don't know,” I replied, shrugging. It was just another of the lies that seemed to be coming easier to me. “It was just... I didn't plan it, and it just...”

“But it's good, right? You're happy? Asher's happy?”

I blinked. I had thought Avery would realize the truth, but why would she? She didn't know when I was due. Surely she would find out eventually, but for now, yet another lie would keep her from hating me. After a moment to compose myself, I nodded and tried to smile. “Yeah, he's... yeah. We're happy.”

“Well, that's great!” Avery replied, giving me a quick hug, then rushing back to her seat. “So why was that such a big deal?”

I shrugged, pulling up a seat and taking a few bites of rice. “I don't know... it's just embarrassing, you know? I wouldn't have really chosen to have a baby now, and there are still days when I almost forget that I am. It's just... it's just been overwhelming.”

“I wish you would have talked to me,” she replied sincerely. “I want to be there for you for stuff like this.”

“I wish I would have too,” I replied.

It almost wasn't even a lie. I did wish I could talk to Avery about this whole situation, but I knew I couldn't. Even though she was one of my closest friends, I knew there was no way she would remain my friend if she knew what I did with Zac. But maybe, if I'd talked to her before it got so crazy, it could have somehow been prevented. If I could have shared my feelings with someone, maybe I wouldn't have acted on them.

Maybe. But there was no way to know. Dwelling on what I could have done differently didn't fix anything.

“You weren't... thinking about dropping out of the wedding because of it, were you?” Avery asked. “Because I'll admit, I came here to yell at you because it sure seemed like you were trying to drop out. And I realize I have four billion sisters-in-law that I could replace you with, but frankly I'm not as close to them as I am to you. And one of them is pregnant anyway, and Jess is nursing, so do you really think it matters to me if you have a little bump showing?”

I didn't reply at first because I wasn't sure if she was done or if she'd just paused to take a breath. When it was obvious that she was waiting for me to reply, I said, “I don't... I guess It doesn't matter. I didn't think about it, Ave, I was just...”

“Overwhelmed, I know,” she said. “And that's why I'm not yelling at you now.”

“You're not yelling? This feels like yelling.”

Avery grinned. “This isn't yelling, I promise. If I was yelling, you would know it.”

“Okay, okay,” I replied. “You're not yelling. So you're really not mad?”

She shook her head. “I'm... confused. Frustrated. And still wondering if you're going to be in my wedding.”

“I am,” I replied. “But I think we may need to find me a new dress by then...”

Avery waved her fork menacingly in my face. “And that's why you should have told me about this sooner! We'll have to go for another fitting and see if the one I picked out will still work or if we need to find you something new. I'll set it all up for us, okay?”

“Yeah,” I replied, suddenly feeling even more overwhelmed. 

_This_ was why I hadn't told Avery. I loved her to death, but she had a way of steamrolling over me and dictating how everything in my life was going to be. Just like how she'd thrust this job opportunity with her brothers upon me. I knew she meant well, and I clearly didn't do a good job of running my own life, but I kind of liked to have the chance to do it. 

Avery was still all smiles. “So, have you thought about names yet? Or do you know if it's going to be a boy or girl?”

“Not yet,” I replied. “I won't find out for about a month. And I really haven't thought about names at all.”

“Well, let me know when you find out, so I'll know whether to buy little blue outfits or little pink outfits.”

“You don't have to buy any outfits!” I practically screeched.

“I know, I know,” she said. “But I want to. You're one of my best friends, so this is like almost the same as when one of my brothers and sisters has a kid. It might not _really_ be my niece or nephew, but I'm going to spoil it like it was.”

I could actually feel all the blood drain out of my face at her words. Out of all the things she could have cluelessly said, it had to be that. But it was my fault she was clueless. I was purposely keeping the fact that this _was_ her niece or nephew growing inside me from her. It made me feel sick to lie to her, but I didn't know what else to do.

Right as I was contemplating actually running to the bathroom to hurl, I heard a key turning in the lock. Seconds later, the door opened to reveal Asher. That didn't do anything to ease my nausea, but of course, he and Avery were both oblivious to it.

“Hey, you must be Asher!” Avery said, hopping up and giving him a hug. 

I tried really hard not to laugh, but Asher looked like he wanted to die. Of course it was for a different reason than how I felt, but her sudden show of affection really seemed to freak him out. He peeled himself away from her and said, “And you're... Avery?”

“So she's told you about me too, but we've never met?” 

Asher shrugged, crossing around the counter to kiss me on the cheek. “She's mentioned you once or twice.”

“Well, she hasn't told me nearly enough about you and this baby you two are you going to have!”

I could feel Asher's eyes boring into me, but I tried to ignore them. He knew, I realized, that I still hadn't told Avery the truth. I was going to have to answer for that later, but I didn't know how. She had just assumed things, and it was so much easier to let her do that than to come clean. I didn't think Asher would understand that.

“There's really not much to tell,” I said, perhaps a little too loudly. Even though Asher hadn't said anything, his expression spoke volumes.

“I still want to know everything,” Avery replied. “After we get your dress sorted out, we'll have to go shopping for baby stuff.”

“Yeah,” I said, stabbing at my chicken. “We'll have to do that.”

It went on like that for nearly another hour, with Avery telling me practically everything she knew about babies and asking a billion questions that I couldn't answer... at least not truthfully. Asher was even quieter than usual, but thankfully Avery didn't know him well enough to notice the difference. I could tell he was angry, even though I didn't think I have ever seen him angry before. I could just feel it, without even looking at him.

Once Avery finally left, Asher simply turned and glared at me, and I could no longer avoid his stare.

“What?” I asked.

“You know what.”

I sighed. “It's not that simple, okay? She just assumed it was yours and I... I couldn't tell her. I can't. You don't get it.”

“Look, I'm happy to be there for you...” Asher said, sighing and running a hand through his hair. “But this is all getting to be too much. I'm not... I'm not leaving, but I don't know. It's just a mess and I don't think lying is making it any better.”

“If you have any better ideas about how I can handle my own damn life, tell me. Otherwise, just trust me that I can take care of myself.”

Asher's eyes widened. “I didn't say you couldn't!”

“Yeah, well, it sounded a lot like you did,” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest. 

He sighed again, practically tugging on his hair. Taking a few steps away from me, he said, “You know what? I think I'm gonna go. Just for tonight. I just... I think maybe we both need to... not be together right this second.”

“I thought you weren't leaving?”

“I'm not,” he replied. “Just for tonight. I just need to think. But you need to think even more. So just... go do that, okay?”

“Yeah, whatever,” I said, purposely looking away from him.

I didn't look at Asher again while he gathered up his things and left. I was angry with him, but I was angry with myself, too, because I knew he was right. I knew I was just digging my grave, but I had fallen so deep that I didn't even know how to begin crawling back out.


	30. Glowing

Asher stayed away that night and the next two. Even when he did eventually come back to the apartment, things weren't the same. There was a tension that we couldn't seem to shake, and I knew it would remain until I broke down and told the truth. I just didn't know when _that_ would be.

It only took Avery a week to get us in for another fitting to see what could be done about my bridesmaid dress. Thankfully she had decided that we weren't going to match, so it wouldn't matter if I had a slightly different style; no two bridesmaids would have exactly the same style anyway. The truth was, I hardly even remembered what the dress we'd chosen for me months ago looked like. I'd had other things on my mind then... things I couldn't get off my mind now if I tried.

As much as I didn't want to, I took off work for the shopping trip. Asher was just getting back from his morning classes when I was getting ready to leave to meet Avery downtown. My stomach wasn't quite large enough to make it impossible to see my feet, but tying my shoes still left me out of breath. Asher's lips twitched into the faintest of grins at that, but it faded away quickly, presumably as he remembered why I was getting dressed.

“Shopping trip today, right?” He asked.

“Mhm,” I replied. “If I'm lucky, it'll just be the dress. But she'll probably drag me into some baby clothing store, too.”

“And you still haven't told her,” he stated, obviously knowing he didn't need to bother actually asking.

I shook my head and stood up. “You know I haven't. What does it matter, though? The shit's going to hit the fan at the wedding anyway, so you've got less than a month before you can say 'I told you so'.”

Until I said it, I hadn't truly realized it. The realization hit me hard and I fell back down onto the couch I'd tried to pull myself off. There was no way I could conceal the truth when Zac was right there in front of me. But if I backed out now, I would still have to tell Avery why. Maybe there was some way I could keep up the lie around Zac, but I just couldn't see how.

Asher shook his head, but offered me a hand to help me up anyway. “You're digging your own grave here, you know.”

“Yeah,” I replied with a grunt. “I'm aware, but thanks for the reminder.”

He frowned. “I just... want what's best for you. That's all.”

“Why do you care so much?” I asked, scowling.

He shrugged. I wasn't surprised. Even though he was clinging to me when he shouldn't have been, there were still things he shied away from, one of those being the l word. That was fine by me; we hadn't even been together for two months. The fact that he was practically living with me already was ridiculous. There was definitely no need to get any more serious than that.

“Anyway, I need to go,” I replied. “Gotta get my dress for the wedding I'm probably going to ruin.”

“And am I going to this wedding with you?” Asher asked.

I shrugged. “Do you really want to? Sometimes I think you'd probably sit there eating popcorn, just watching while I ruined everyone's lives.”

“I wouldn't,” he replied softly. “I told you, I'm trying to help you do what's best. But... no. I don't think I want to be there. I don't think I can watch that.”

“I wish I had that choice,” I mumbled, grabbing my purse and heading for the door.

There was no reason for me to be angry with Asher, and deep inside I knew it. Maybe part of it was just hormones. Everything that pissed me off I seemed to take out on him, and I especially had no patience for his criticism of how I was handing this situation. It didn't matter that even I knew I was handling it poorly. I just didn't need some guy I barely knew pointing it out to me.

Despite that, I was in a bad mood for the entire subway ride downtown to meet Avery. I sulked the whole time, so much that I could actually see people scooting away from me in fear. Apparently a short little angry pregnant lady can put out a lot of bad vibes. That was a tidbit I decided to hang onto for later usage, but once I reached the store where I was supposed to meet Avery, I did my best to put on a happy face. I wasn't sure I had succeeded, but I tried.

Avery was waiting outside the dress shop, rubbing her gloved hands together. A huge grin spread across her face when she saw me, and she practically dragged me into the store. I was less enthusiastic than her, of course, but what could I do? 

It was hard not to get swept up in the atmosphere of it all. They served us champagne—which I couldn't drink—as I tried on each of the dress styles Avery had chosen. Most of them just looked ridiculous and I didn't even want to leave the dressing room in them. They were all in soft shades of pink, with silk and ruffles and while they looked exactly like something Avery would have chosen, they weren't me at all. Nothing about being a bridesmaid was, but I was trying, if only to make her happy.

Finally, when I was ready to give up, I tried on the very last dress she'd thrust upon me. It was soft, peachy pink, with a halter top and an empire waist that would no doubt skim over my stomach even when it had grown even more. It certainly didn't hide that I was pregnant, but it didn't make me look ridiculous and fat, either. I just looked like... me.

Hesitantly, but with a smile on my face, I stepped out of the dressing room. Avery's face lit up like I was the one getting married, not her. She rushed behind me and practically shoved me toward the huge wall of mirrors at the other end of the dressing rooms. 

“Colby, look at you!” She breathed out.

So I did.

It seemed so cliché, but I was actually glowing. My cynical side reminded me that, according to the pregnancy websites I'd been reading, it was just hormones. Those hormones had cleared up my skin and made my hair—finally trimmed and dyed one solid shade of brown close to my natural color—shine. There was nothing to it other than biology, but I was still surprised by the change. It made me feel, for just a moment, that everything was going to be okay.

“It's perfect, Colbs,” Avery said.

My smile faltered when she used what she couldn't have known was Zac's nickname for me. Hesitantly, I nodded. “Yeah... yeah, it is. I think this is the dress.”

Avery squealed, then motioned for the dressing room attendant. Moments later, I was in my normal clothes, walking toward the counter as the saleswoman carried the dress bag. Avery was still beaming and practically bouncing off the walls. Her energy just exhausted me. My enthusiasm had been very short lived and was already gone.

“And you don't need to worry at all if you can't make it to the bachelorette party, since you can't drink,” Avery said, and it didn't sound like the beginning of a sentence.

I glanced at her and realized I hadn't been paying attention to her at all. I'd felt myself nodding, I hoped in the right places, but not a single word she'd said had sunk in. Luckily for me, she hadn't noticed.

“I'm just so happy we found the perfect dress,” she said, tucking the receipt into her purse. “Come on, let's get lunch now.”

After making plans to pick the dress up later, Avery ushered me back out onto the street. It was freezing, but I didn't mind. Being all bundled up at least hid my stomach from judgmental eyes. I wasn't dumb. I knew that everyone who noticed the bump immediately checked my finger for a ring, which of course they didn't find. It was ridiculous, I thought, that in 2013 I was still being judged for getting pregnant out of wedlock. Then I remembered that if any of those judgmental people knew the full story, they would judge me even more.

Oblivious to my inner turmoil, Avery lead the way into a little deli just a few doors down from the dress shop. In spite of my emotions, I was hungry, so I ordered a turkey panini that was probably big enough for two people but which I knew I would eat by myself.

“So,” Avery said once we were seated with our food. “You'll get to find out what you're having soon, right?”

I nodded. I didn't want to tell her how far along I was, because I knew then she would be able to do the math. Surely she would realize it on her own soon enough. I didn't see how she hadn't. I supposed she just wanted to believe the best of me... and of her brother. She was oblivious, and I knew I was keeping her that way.

“That will be exciting, right?” She asked, and before I could answer, added, “Have you and Asher thought about names yet?”

“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “We haven't.”

That was true. Aside from judging me for hiding the truth, Asher hardly said a word about the baby. He didn't seem unhappy about it, but he wasn't excited, either. How could he be? He knew it wasn't his. Although he was attached—perhaps too much so—to me, he was almost completely detached from this baby growing inside me. Like everything else he did that upset me, I knew I really had no right to be bothered by that, but I was anyway.

Avery gaped at me. “Well, you need to! You should talk to Natalie at the wedding. She's super into names. She's been trying to help Nikki pick out a name for their new baby, so I'm sure she has a whole list ready.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled. “Maybe I will.”

I had absolutely no intention of doing that, of course. But I couldn't tell Avery that. There were so many things I couldn't tell her, and I hated myself for it. The next few weeks were going to be hell, I was sure, and they were only the beginning.

Avery rambled on for the rest of our lunch about all the details of the wedding I had missed. I could tell there was just a hint of anger behind it, but I had never really seen Avery angry with anyone. For the most part, she really was just trying to catch me up. Sometimes it amazed me how genuinely good she was, but it bordered on naïve at times. Too trusting. She didn't need to trust me at all, but of course she didn't know that.

As soon as we finished eating, Avery was pulling me out of the deli, practically dragging me behind her once again. Struggling not to trip over my own feet, I said, “Where are we going now?”

“Baby shopping, of course!” She said, grinning. “I'm sure we can find a few gender neutral things to buy for the little one.”

I pasted on a smile and let her drag me around, all the while hating myself for it. It felt like I could practically count down to the minute what little time I had left with her as my friend, and I was shamelessly taking advantage of it, knowing it would all end in just a few weeks—ironically, on Valentines Day.


	31. Due Date

Three weeks passed by in what felt like little more than a heartbeat, and before I knew it, I was in Rye at the huge mansion where Avery and Malcolm were about to get married. I had, like she suggested, skipped the bachelorette party and only taken the train out there the morning of the wedding rehearsal. The mansion was so large that for most of the day, I had managed to avoid nearly everyone in the family, but I knew I couldn't avoid them all day. After lunch with Annalee, I had to face them all for the rehearsal.

We made our way into the mansion together, Annalee leading the way toward the coatroom. My winter coat covered my growing belly, but once it was hung up, I couldn't pretend. After my last prenatal appointment, I'd given in and bought actual maternity clothes, including the dress I'd chosen to wear that day. It looked like something I would have worn anyway—black on top with a flowy purple skirt —but i was obviously built to accommodate a baby bump.

A baby bump that I realized everyone's eyes were on the second I walked into the foyer of the hall where the wedding would be held. 

One set of brown eyes in particular seemed to linger, and I was practically powerless to ignore them. The wedding coordinator soon drew our attention, droning on about how we were supposed to line up and walk in. With Zac's eyes boring into me, I could hardly pay attention to her at all. I wasn't sure I caught a single word she said, in fact, until she began pairing up the bridesmaids and groomsmen. 

“And I think... you two,” she said, grabbing my shoulder and nudging me toward the one person I dreaded the most. 

I wasn't even surprised. The universe obviously hated me, so of course I would be forced to walk down the aisle with Zac. It was the cruelest sort of irony—walking down the aisle next to the already married man I'd fallen in love with.

The wedding coordinator walked us through the plan once again, and this time I paid attention. I would have listened to anything she said if it helped me ignore that Zac was standing so close that I could feel his body heat. When he grabbed my arm and laced it through his, I was certain I would pass out. The processional music began, and I had nothing else to distract myself with but focusing on not tripping over either of our feet.

“Congratulations,” he whispered, leaning down so I could hear him over the music. “Avery must have forgotten to tell me.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled. “She must have. She's had more important things on her mind, I guess.”

Zac chuckled softly. “Well, don't sound so excited about it. I know it's gotta be a big change. It is even if you're married. But you can't imagine—I can't even begin to explain—what it's like to be a parent. To know you actually brought a new life into the world.”

I couldn't speak. I couldn't even look at him. I focused my eyes straight ahead as we walked the rest of the way up the aisle then parted ways. As I took my place between Zoe and Annalee, I contemplated the possibility of throwing up right there on the tile floor. Maybe then I wouldn't have to walk down the aisle with Zac again.

****

After the rehearsal, which involved walking up and down the aisle with Zac an agonizing seven more times before the coordinator was satisfied that we all knew what we were doing, we headed across town to a fancy French restaurant. Avery had made reservations, reserving practically the entire restaurant so that everyone, including all the wedding party's spouses and children, would have a seat. It was chaos. Only a handful of us were actually single and alone, and it seemed to make me and my baby bump stand out even more. The wives had all brought nannies to lighten their load, so most of the adults, single or otherwise, sat at one of two large tables. I was stuck between Annalee and Malcolm's brother Nathaniel, and directly across from Taylor's wife Natalie, who had no end of conversation topics at her disposal thanks to the two pregnant ladies at the table.

“Just a few weeks left until I get to meet my new niece or nephew,” Natalie practically squealed, shamelessly patting Nikki's stomach. 

I hadn't seen Isaac's wife for months, not since she took a short trip out to join the tour and celebrate the news that she was pregnant. She'd found out only a few weeks after he left for the tour, and when I last saw her, she didn't even have a bump at all. Now she was practically ready to pop. I supposed I looked different now too, but I was used to looking at myself. To everyone else there, I must have looked vastly different, too. Only one of their opinions truly mattered to me, though, but he hadn't looked at me at all since the rehearsal.

“I can't believe you guys haven't even _asked_ what you're having,” Natalie continued.

“No, we really do just want to be surprised,” Nikki said, causing Natalie to shake her head.

“I just can't imagine,” Natalie replied, then turned back to face me. “What about you? Have you found out what you're having yet?”

“A girl,” I said softly. I'd found out just a few days before that.

“Is Asher excited?” Annalee asked.

I tried not to wince. We were arguing again, so the question of him actually going to the doctor with me hadn't even been raised. I had gone by myself, completely alone for the first time I saw my baby's little alien looking image on the ultrasound. It was silly, but I had brought a copy of the ultrasound with me to the wedding. I didn't know why. I didn't really expect to get the chance to show it to Zac, or for him to want to see it if I did, but I'd brought it nonetheless.

“Asher's, umm,” I mumbled. “He's just... kind of overwhelmed, I guess. It's a lot to take in.”

By that point, the not-quite lies rolled off my tongue easily. I'd learned how to say a lot yet say nothing at all.

Natalie's head tilted to the side as she eyed me. “I'm sorry, when did you say you were due? Or did you say?”

“I didn't,” I said, glancing down the table toward Zac. It was instinctive, and I hoped no one noticed. “Umm, at the beginning of July. July Ninth.”

Even though my voice was low, that seemed to catch everyone at the table's attention. To my horror, even Zac and Kate were looking my way. Aside from the children, it felt like every pair of eyes in the room was trained on me.

“So, how far along are you, then?” Natalie asked. “Seventeen, eighteen weeks? You found out the gender pretty early...”

“Almost twenty weeks,” I squeaked out.

I could see everyone at the table doing the math. To some of them, it meant nothing. To others, those three words revealed my lie. And I knew that I could have kept lying, but when I went into labor a month sooner than anyone expected, the truth would have been revealed. Thinking about that picture in my purse, that little bit of proof that there really was a _life_ inside of me... I didn't think I could keep up the lie any longer.

There were a few people there who I knew would figure out the truth right then, and I tried, discretely to see what they were thinking. Taylor's face showed no surprise at all. It was strangely blank, in fact, probably to keep his own wife from figuring out the truth. At the head of the table, so far away that I hoped she hadn't heard at all, sat Avery. The anger and betrayal on her face was clear and it made me want to sink down into the floor and disappear. 

But hers wasn't the face I was most worried about. 

Zac's eyes were cold and blank, but I could see realization hit him the second my eyes connected with his. He shook his head and began digging around in his jacket. The light glinted off a cigarette lighter as he pulled it out. Mumbling something to Kate with his head turned to me, he stood up and rushed out of the room, tucking a cigarette behind his ear as he went. His hair blocked his eyes from my view as he went.

Another quick look around the table showed a range of expressions. The ones who hadn't realized what was going on soon would, I was sure. Zac storming out like that didn't help at all. I knew that if I left, I would only throw even more suspicion onto the two of us, but I couldn't stay. Avery's eyes were growing more and more angry, and I couldn't stand it. I couldn't just sit there knowing that she was that angry with me. 

“I'm sorry,” I said, pushing my chair back and standing up. “I'm not feeling well, so I'm just going to go back and go to bed.”

Before anyone could stop me, though I doubted any of them would try, I slipped my coat on and hurried toward the door. It was a long walk back to the mansion, but I didn't care. I just had to go. I couldn't sit there and watch as they all realized what I'd done. It was like watching dominoes fall in slow motion, but worse, so much worse. 

The second I stepped outside, a burst of cold air smacked me in the face. I wrapped my arms around my body, but it did little to help. I wondered if I could call a cab or if I would just have to walk. I decided just to walk, if I could remember the way. I didn't really care if I got lost and never made it back, and I didn't think anyone in Avery's family would care either.

“Colby!” A voice called out and I immediately recognized it at Zac's.

I hadn't even seen him standing there, but I should have known. He was leaning against the front of the restaurant, one hand buried in his coat pocket and the other holding a cigarette to his lips. I took one long look at him, not meeting his eyes, then started to walk away.

“Colby,” he repeated. “Don't fucking walk away.”

I wrapped my arms tighter around my body and sped up. I couldn't stay. I couldn't talk to him. What could I say? I had no words for him, and I didn't want to hear whatever angry words he might have had for me. I could still hear him calling out my name as I hurried on down the street, but I didn't stop or even slow down. 

Tears began to fall down my face as I put enough distance between us that I could no longer hear his voice. I tried to remember the way back to the mansion, but I didn't know what I was going to do once I was back there in my room for the night. I didn't know what the morning or even the rest of the night would hold. I was only certain of one thing.

I had ruined everything, just like I knew I would.


	32. Forgive Your Past

Even though it was still fairly early, I fell into bed only moments after arriving back at the hotel. I barely even took the time to change from my dress to pajamas before my head hit the pillow. I didn't fall asleep right away, though. I couldn't. The longer I had walked, the more I had cried, until I was sobbing so much I could barely even see the way to my room. I cried and cried until my pillow was soaked through and I had no more tears left. For a long time, I just laid there hiccuping and shivering.

Just as I finally started to drift off to sleep, I heard a knock at the door. I was terrified to see who it might be, but I knew whoever it was, I had to answer. As I pulled myself out of bed and shuffled to the door, they only grew more insistent, knocking louder and louder. Finally, I swung open the door and came face to face with Avery.

“Tell me I'm wrong,” she said, her voice cold and her face hard.

“I... I can't,” I replied weakly.

“He's my brother, Colby. My _married_ brother.” She shook her head. “And you let me believe Asher was the father. God, does he think he is, too? I mean, how far do your lies go?”

I shook my head quickly. “No! No, Asher knows it's not his. He's known all along that it wasn't.”

“So the one person who has literally no connection to the baby besides apparently being in love with you is the person you decided to tell? Not me, not Zac—the baby's actual father. No one.”

All I could do was nod. She was right. 

“What the _fuck_ were you thinking?” Avery asked, and I was fairly certain it was the first time I'd ever heard her curse.

“That exactly this would happen,” I replied softly. “That you would hate me. That everyone would hate me. That if the truth came out, it would ruin everyone's lives.”

“Including your own,” Avery said, crossing her arms. “You're not stupid, Colby. You're selfish. But you're not dumb enough to think you could keep this secret. I mean, all you had to do was tell us when the baby was due and we could do the damn math. You had to know that. Kate could do the math. Zac could do the math. Speaking of Zac, I hope you know he's in the hotel bar trying to destroy his liver right now.”

I felt a huge pang of guilt then. All along I had known how badly I was fucking everything up, but knowing that Zac was right there, in pain because of me, was just too much. I couldn't even speak. I just shook my head.

“I'm not saying I'm not angry with him, too,” Avery said. “Because I am. And I'll deal with him when he's sober. But right now, I'm talking to you.”

“Do you hate me?” I asked, then immediately regretted it. I didn't want to know her answer.

“I don't know. I honestly don't know. I do know that after tomorrow, I'm going to need a lot of time away from you. If this had come out any sooner...” She paused and shook her head. “I don't know. But you're here and the wedding is tomorrow, so there's nothing we can do. But after tomorrow, I don't know.”

I nodded. “That's... that fair, I guess.”

“It's really not, but I don't know what else to do. I just don't want to be around you at all, but I'm stuck with you for now.” She turned to leave, then stopped and turned back around. “I just don't understand how you can call yourself my friend and then... do this. And lie about it. I know it's not all about me, but it's just... it's not cool. How you could do this to my whole family... I just don't get it. And I don't think I ever will.”

With that, she turned back around and walked away. There was nothing I could say to stop her, because I knew she was right. I had hurt them all and I couldn't take any of it back.

****

It came as no surprise to me that nearly everyone seemed to ignore me the next day. All I could see in their eyes was pity or contempt. I wasn't sure which was worse. Only Annalee seemed to still be friendly toward me, which I was thankful for. I wondered if she had suspected the affair, but I didn't dare ask. Even though it was no doubt at the forefront of everyone's mind, no one said a word about it. As we got our hair and makeup done, we all remained focused on nothing but the wedding.

Once I was finally dressed and ready for my walk down the aisle, I no longer felt like I was glowing—or, if I was, it was a radioactive aura warning people not to get too close. I hated it, but I supposed I deserved to be treated like a leper. 

As far as I could tell, Zac wasn't really receiving the same treatment, and I didn't think that was fair. Maybe they were used to this sort of thing from him. I didn't know. Only his wife seemed to be giving him the cold shoulder; others hardly seemed to look at him differently at all. 

He looked like hell, though. I no longer felt the need to hide my desire to stare at him, but with his hangover, he wasn't nearly as beautiful as he'd been the night before. Although his suit was pressed and his hair pulled back neatly into a ponytail, he hadn't bothered to shave and his eyes were ringed with dark circles. I wanted to hug him, but I knew I couldn't.

When the music started, that was our cue to line up. Zac held out his arm to me and I accepted it. He gave me the faintest smile and said, “You look beautiful.”

Those were the last three words—except, perhaps, for one other option—that I expected to hear him say to me. Not knowing what else to do, I focused my eyes straight ahead and began walking in step with him. I couldn't even say “thank you.” I couldn't say anything.

“I can't believe you didn't tell me,” he whispered as we made our way into the hall. “I can't fucking believe it.”

He had a well practiced smile plastered on his face as he spoke, but I could hear the venom in his words. He might have thought I was beautiful, but I had no doubt that he hated me, maybe almost as much as I hated myself.

Zac didn't speak another word to me for the rest of our walk down the aisle, nor did he look at me again for the rest of the ceremony. Standing up there in front of everyone, I could feel what seemed like a million eyes boring into me, judging me, hating me. But the only pair I cared about wouldn't look at me at all.

****

I didn't want to go to the reception. I really didn't. I knew I had to, though. Even if I was a horrible friend who had let Avery down in every way, I decided I could at least fulfill the duties I'd signed up for. Plus, Annalee insisted and practically dragged me into the banquet hall.

Much like the ceremony, nearly everyone ignored me. There were no assigned seats, so I ended up at a table with Annalee and a few more of her and Avery's college friends. I didn't know any of them, and they didn't stick around to hang out with the sad pregnant lady for very long. 

Since I was on my own, I didn't have to wonder if he was really heading for me when I saw Taylor walking my direction. He stood in front of me and held out his hand, a look on his face that I couldn't quite place. “May I have this dance?”

“Sure,” I replied dubiously, standing up and accepting his hand.

Once again, I could feel eyes on me, but I didn't care. I was just happy that someone in Zac's family was showing me some sign of friendship. I didn't entirely trust Taylor, but I was willing to give him a chance as he walked me to the dance floor and took the lead.

_You've been on my mind  
I grow fonder every day,  
Lose myself in time  
Just thinking of your face  
God only knows  
Why it's taken me so long  
To let my doubts go  
You're the only one that I want _

“You're in some deep shit, you know,” he said.

“Oh, really?” I asked, my words dripping with sarcasm. “Whatever gave you that idea?”

Taylor just smirked. “I gotta say, I think you did this all backward. I mean, do you know how many people accused Natalie of lying about the baby being mine? And here you are, pretending you're _not_ having Zac's kid.”

“Yeah, well, I imagine she didn't get knocked up just days before your wife went into labor, did she? Not exactly the same scenario.”

“No, I suppose not,” he replied. “I guess I just don't understand your plan.”

“I didn't have one. I just... I guess I wanted to pretend like it wasn't true. Can't really deny it now, though.”

“No,” he replied softly. “You can't. So what now?”

_I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before  
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,  
You never know if you never try  
To forgive your past and simply be mine _

“I have no fucking clue. Everyone hates me. Zac hates me. Admitting that the kid is his doesn't change a thing. If anything, it makes it worse, because now everyone else has to know how badly I fucked up. How badly _he_ fucked up.”

To my surprise, Taylor smiled. “He doesn't hate you.”

“What gives you that idea?” I asked.

He nodded at some point over my shoulder, turning us slightly so I could see what he saw. It was Zac, walking right toward us.

“Sorry, Tay,” he said. “I'm cutting in.”

Before either of us could object, Zac grabbed my hand from Taylor's shoulder. Instead of pulling me toward him to dance, though, he yanked me through the crowd and off the dance floor entirely. I could only barely hear the music playing at all in the secluded corner he'd found and pulled me into.

_I dare you to let me be your, your one and only  
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms  
So come on and give me the chance  
To prove that I'm the one who can  
Walk that mile until the end starts_

“What the _fuck_ is your problem?” He hissed.

“My problem? What the fuck is yours, dragging me over here?”

Zac just scowled. “Do you even know how it fucking looks, you out there dancing with my brother right after you tell everyone you're having my bastard child?”

“It looks like he's the only person here who doesn't hate me for making a stupid mistake,” I replied. “A mistake that you were a part of, too, I might add. I didn't fucking do this to myself, Zac. It took both of us.”

“And yet only one of us knew about it,” he shot back, crossing his arms. “How long were you planning to keep this a secret? I mean, did you think you could show up here and no one would notice?”

“Obviously not,” I replied. “I don't know, okay? I was kind of hoping to never see you again, but Avery was too damn stubborn to let me just hide forever. Not that she knew _why_ I was hiding.”

Zac chuckled harshly. “Well, she does now. Everyone knows. My whole damn family knows what we did.”

“And that's why it should have ended before this happened. I knew that. You knew that.”

“I didn't want it to end,” he said softly, the anger fading from his face.

_Have I been on your mind?  
You hang on every word I say  
Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name  
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close?  
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go_

“Could have fucking fooled me,” I replied.

“What the fuck was I supposed to do?” He screeched. “My wife had just given birth. It just... something changed. Or snapped. I don't know. And I just thought, at least for a while, that we could make things work. And we actually _were_. Until now.”

“And that's why I wanted to keep it a secret, Zac! Because whether you wanted things between us to end or not, they needed to. And they had.”

“Had they?” He asked, stepping in closer and poking my stomach. “Do you not get that _this_ means they're never going to end? Not truly. Not ever.”

“They could have if you hadn't found out,” I replied weakly, but I wasn't so sure I believed myself anymore.

Zac shook his head sadly. “No, they couldn't have. If you're keeping this baby, and god I hope you are...”

“I am,” I said softly, trying not to tremble as Zac spread his hand out across my stomach.

“Good,” he replied, still not moving his hand.

He leaned in closer and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. I could smell alcohol on his breath, and I turned my head. I didn't want him like that, not when he was probably too fucked up to know what he was doing. His lips landed on my jaw and I felt butterflies flutter up in my stomach.

“Did you feel that?” Zac gasped.

“What?”

“That,” he said, tapping my stomach softly. “The baby. It... she... kicked.”

_I don't know why I'm scared 'cause I've been here before  
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,  
You'll never know if you never try  
To forgive your past and simply be mine _

I looked down at Zac's hand, and as I did, I saw it move. My stomach—the _baby_ —moved. I let out a gasp, then looked up at Zac. He was smiling, the first real smile I'd seen on his face for months. Maybe the first ever.

“Was that... was that the first time?” He asked.

I nodded. “Yeah... it was. I've never... seen or felt her move before.”

“It's amazing, isn't it?” Zac's voice was full of awe. His hand still rested on my stomach and I wondered if he was ever going to move it. His forehead fell against mine and he sighed. “What the fuck are we gonna do, Colbs?”

“I don't know,” I replied softly. “I really don't know.”

_I dare you to let me be your, your one and only  
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms  
So come on and give me the chance  
To prove that I'm the one who can  
Walk that mile until the end starts _

We might have kissed again, but the sound of high heels clicking against the tile brought us back to reality. I wasn't surprised at all to see Kate standing there, hands on her hips and her eyes full of fire. If she could have killed us both with that look, she would have. Zac gave me a sad smile and began to back away.

“Zac...” I whispered.

He shook his head. His hand lingered on my stomach for as long as possible as he backed away from me, finally falling limply to his side as he turned and walked toward his wife. I should have known it was too good to be true. I didn't even know why I had let myself get so close to forgiving him. He would always go running back to her. I should have known that by then.

_I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart  
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart_

_Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it  
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart _


	33. Baby Names

For weeks, I didn't see or hear from anyone with the last name Hanson. I hadn't been surprised that Avery wanted nothing to do with me, since she had said as much the night before her wedding. But Zac... I thought something had happened between us. Something meaningful. I should have known whatever progress we had made when he felt our daughter kick would go up in smoke the second his wife saw us together. 

If she'd had any doubt before then that he was, as Tobias kept referring to him, my baby daddy, they vanished just as quickly as Zac had when she came after him, cracking the whip.

Tobias was, strangely enough, more of a comfort and more supportive than practically anyone else in my life. Asher was still around, but I could see him becoming more detached. It was as if he wanted to be with me, but he couldn't quite fathom the fact that I would really be bringing a baby into the world in just a few months. How he could ignore that fact even when we were in bed together, I didn't really understand, but he seemed to be trying. 

Tobias, though, was freakishly invested in all aspects of the baby thing, from choosing the right crib to picking out a name. Whenever we had the tiniest bit of downtime at work, he would pull up a baby name website and start calling out names he thought I should consider.

“Harper,” Tobias suggested. “No, wait. Harper Hanson sounds ridiculous.”

“The fact that you think I'm giving her Zac's last name is what sounds ridiculous.”

Tobias jerked his head up from the computer screen to stare at me. I stared back, and he shook his head. “That's harsh. That's fucking harsh.”

“I haven't seen him since the wedding,” I replied. “And even then he didn't exactly say he was going to be in her life. He was just pissed that I didn't tell him I was pregnant. But considering I _haven't_ heard from him, I think it's pretty obvious he's chosen his 'legitimate' children over her.”

“But did he actually say that?” Tobias asked.

I shrugged. “Actions speak louder than words or whatever. And since he's not even around for me to see how he's acting, I think I can make a few assumptions about what he does and doesn't want.”

“Whatever you say,” Tobias replied, holding his hands up in a sign of defeat, even though his face said he still didn’t agree with me. “What about Caitlin?”

I scrunched up my nose and made a face. “That's way too close to his wife's name.”

“Are you going to dismiss every name that’s remotely connected to her—or to _him_?”

“Probably,” I replied, staring Tobias down as if to dare him to disagree with me.

He didn’t. “What about a family name, then? Your mom’s name?”

“Maria or Gloria?”

Tobias shrugged. “Marion? Glorianna? I don't know.”

“I don't think so,” I replied, shaking my head.

“I'm sure there's some form of her name that you would like. There's a billion versions of every name on this website that you should be reading instead of me,” he replied, then shrugged. “Anyway, it just seemed like a nice gesture.”

“Yeah, that would probably be a nice thing to do,” I agreed. “And it would make Aunt Sus cry even more happy tears than she already has been since I told her the news. But I don’t know. It just doesn’t… feel right. Not that _anything_ feels right lately.”

Tobias stared at me for a moment, then stood up. Even as he approached me, I wasn’t sure what he was going to do. When he reached me, he wrapped his arms tightly around me, practically lifting me off the ground.

“It’s going to be okay,” he said softly.

I could only hug him back and hope that he was right.

****

A few hours later, I walked into my apartment, my head swimming with baby names and my stomach growling. Although I was starving, I hadn’t decided what to have for dinner. That could wait until I talked to Asher, who I anticipated would be waiting on the couch. Things between us had still been tense for weeks, but he showed no signs of actually leaving, no matter how much I frustrated him or how fucked up our situation was.

Sure enough, there he was, the disassembled pieces of a baby mobile spread out on the coffee table in front of him.

“What’s that?” I asked, even though it seemed obvious.

“Your aunt sent it,” he replied. “There are several other boxes where this came from. At this rate, I don’t think you’ll need to have a baby shower at all.”

A baby shower. Out of all the things I was worried about where this baby was concerned, throwing some silly little party was the least of all the troubles plaguing me.

“What?” Asher asked as I collapsed next to him on the couch.

“I don’t think I’m having a baby shower,” I replied. When he stared blankly at me, I asked, “Well, why _would_ I?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Who am I going to invite? Avery? Zac’s family? _Your_ family? It’s not like I have many friends. Aunts and cousins, sure, but how sad would that look? I don’t need to draw any more attention to how pathetic I am and how awful this whole situation is.”

“No one’s going to think you’re pathetic and awful,” Asher said softly.

“Sure they are,” I replied. “You still haven’t told your family anything about me other than that I exist, have you? And why not? Because you know that even if you told them the baby was yours, they would still judge you. Judge me. Because a lifetime of being a pretty decent person gets erased the moment you make this one mistake. It’s fucked up, but it’s true. You just don’t see it because you don’t have to, but I have to walk around with my fuck ups front and center, literally, for people to see. And those people don’t even know the half of it.”

Asher touched my shoulder. “Okay. Stop and take a breath, please.”

I didn’t want to, but I did. I took the chance to prop my aching feet up on the coffee table, slipping my shoes off and letting them fall into the floor as I did so. Neither that, nor taking a deep breath, did anything to relieve my emotional problems, but they did make my body feel just a tiny bit better… however briefly.

“Okay,” Asher said. “No, I haven’t told them, but you don’t know my family. You don’t know how, even if I do tell them I’m the father, they’ll take this.”

“I can guess,” I said.

“Fair enough. So what do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. Even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to know his answer, the next question was out of my mouth before I could stop it. “Do you want to tell them you’re the father? Do you want… people to think you are?”

“By people do you also mean… whatever you’re going to name her?”

I nodded.

Asher heaved a deep sigh. “I don’t… I don’t know. If that’s what you want. Putting my name on the birth certificate, though. Lying about it—I mean, breaking the actual law. That’s serious.”

“So we keep doing what we’ve been doing? Just let people assume and never correct them?” I asked.

“I guess so,” Asher replied, letting his hand trail down my arm until it came to rest on top of my hand. “Do you think that's a really bad idea?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. I'm not sure we have any better options.”

Asher gave me a tiny grin as he laced our fingers together. “Okay. It's really up to you, you know. I mean, I'm still here. And I'm still going to be here. Whatever else... whatever my role really is, that's more up to you than it is me.”

I nodded slowly. “Well, you're in my life, so... you're in her life, too. That's unavoidable. I'm not giving her your name and I'm not putting your name on the birth certificate. I know a lie by omission isn't much better, but it's the best I can do.”

“I'm not saying I like it,” Asher said. “But it's your decision. So... alright.”

I snuggled up against him, glad that for once we seemed to have avoided a fight. “It's still fucked up, isn't it?”

“Well, yeah, but... it's going to be fucked up, even if Zac comes back.”

“I don't want to think about him coming back,” I replied with a groan.

Asher pulled me against him and ran his hands through my hair. “I know, baby. But you have to know it's a possibility. If he's got even the tiniest bit of sense, he's going to realize he wants to be in whatever-you-decide-to-call-her's life. And if he's got more sense than that, he'll realize he wants to be with you.”

“I think his wife might have a problem with that,” I mumbled.

“Well, frankly, I think she already has plenty of problems on her hands, being married to someone like him.”

“You don't even know him,” I huffed.

Asher pulled back slightly. “Are you defending this guy?”

“No, I just... I mean, that's a statement of fact. You _don't_ know him.”

“And until I said something bad about him, you didn't have a kind word for him, either. So you can hate him but I can't?” 

“I don't hate him,” I blurted out. I wanted to take it back, but I knew it was the truth. “But I know why he's a horrible person. You don't, aside from what I've said. I just don't think it's fair for you to judge him.”

“Too late,” Asher replied.

“Are we really fighting about whether or not to dislike the guy who cheated on his wife with me, then got pissed at me for not telling him about the baby he obviously has no interest in helping to raise anyway?”

Asher let out a harsh chuckle. “Yeah, I think we are.”

“Can we just agree that he's an asshole and be done with it?” I asked. “And maybe argue about what to cook for dinner instead?”

With a heavy sigh, Asher replied, “Yeah, yeah. Okay. I was thinking hamburgers?”

“With the crinkle cut fries?” I asked hopefully.

“Of course,” he replied, grinning. 

Just like that, the fight was forgotten. Asher pulled me from the couch and we walked to the kitchen together and began cooking our hamburgers and french fries. In spite of the argument, which was a daily circle we went around and around, we fell back into our routine easily. I liked our routine. I liked the simplicity of being with him. My only problem was wondering why he still wanted to be with some other man's baby mama. As long as he did, though, things were good enough.


	34. Everything I Wanted

Another few weeks passed quietly—no more fighting with Asher and still no word from Avery. With every day, practically every hour it seemed, my stomach grew bigger and bigger. I still hadn't picked a name, but my apartment was filled to the brim with gifts and purchases for my nameless little baby girl. 

Thankfully, that apartment was in a building with an elevator, because my feet and back hurt far too much to even think about walking up flights of stairs every morning and evening. I had no desire to quit working, though. Asher didn't like that I was still pushing myself so hard, but he couldn't stop me. He was busy enough with classes, band practice and concerts, anyway. Although things were good, our time together was lessening. The days when he was already waiting in the apartment for me when I arrived home from work were fewer and farther between.

After a long day of work in April, I shuffled down the hallway, hoping but not expecting to see Asher back from class already. Instead, as I rounded the corner, I saw an unexpected but far too familiar figure sitting in the floor right in front of my apartment door. His legs were crossed and his head was down, eyes trained on his phone. He flipped through it listlessly as though he were bored to death.

I walked up to him as quietly as I could, then kicked him in the shin.

“Ow, fuck!” He yelped, shaking his hair out of his eyes as he looked up. “Oh... Colby.”

“Who the fuck else did you expect?” I asked. “And how did you find my apartment, anyway?”

Zac rolled his eyes at me. “You know you filled out paperwork for us. Name, address, birthday… I could have sent you a birthday present.”

“I think I would have died of shock if you had,” I replied. “So why are you stalking me now?”

He pulled himself to his feet and glared at me, still blocking my door. “I’m not stalking you. It’s not like I stand outside your window at night or some shit. This is just the first time we’ve been in town, so I looked you up.”

“But _why_?” I asked, shoving him aside and angrily jamming my key in the lock. I could feel Zac’s body heat behind me as I unlocked the door.

“Because I needed to see you. I couldn't do this on the phone or by email.”

“Do what?” I asked, walking into the apartment without looking to see if he was following me. I had no doubt that he was. “What is so important that after two months of silence, you had to sneak over here to see me?”

“I didn’t--” he began, then sighed. “I told you, this is the first time I could. We’re here to promote the new single, and I found a little free time while Kate and Nat are off sightseeing.”

I spun around and scowled at him. “I didn’t ask about how you’re deceiving your wife. I asked what the fuck you want from me and why you think I would want to see you!”

“Because I wanted to see you!” He growled, slamming his hands down on the counter. Seconds later, his angry facade began to crumble. “You don’t know, Colby, and I’m not blaming you but… it’s been hell.”

“But you’re not blaming me,” I replied, only barely able to keep my voice emotionless.

“I’m _not_ ,” Zac said. “I’m glad I know the truth, I really am. I was more upset that you _hadn’t_ told me than that it was happening. But it’s… they’re all judging me, hating me… most nights I sleep on the couch in the studio so I don’t have to sleep on the couch at home. No one, particularly my wife, misses an opportunity to tell me about their disappointment in me.”

“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?” I asked. ‘I mean, it’s not like random people--on the street, in the grocery store, on the subway--don’t judge me, too. And they don’t even know! They just see my belly and jump to assuming I’m some slut or charity case. So forgive me for not sympathizing with you, when you can go home and play house like this isn’t happening.”

Zac stared at me for a moment, and I could see in his face how conflicted he was. Finally, he shook his head. “But that's just it, I _don't_ get to play house. Any illusion that I had a good, happy marriage is gone. But what about you? With your little boyfriend. I mean, what the hell—”

That was, of course, the moment that Asher arrived. Zac and I both froze, looking horribly guilty, at the sound of his key in the lock. After realizing he didn't need the key, he walked in, stopping on the spot when he saw that I wasn't alone.

“Colby?” He asked, hesitantly.

I cleared my throat. “Zac, this is Asher. Asher... Zac.”

They stared each other down, knowing, of course, who the other was. I held my breath and waited, fearing what either of them might do. To my surprise, Asher just shook his head and walked past us toward the bathroom.

“That's your little boyfriend?” Zac scoffed. “And you're going to pass him off as our baby's father. Have his balls even dropped?”

“Zac, shut up.”

He crossed around the counter and stood next to me. “Have you asked yourself why he even wants to be with you? I'm not accusing him of anything, but think, Colbs. Why would any man knowingly get into a relationship with some other guy's baby mama if he didn't have _some_ kind of neurosis?”

I shrugged, looking down to avoid Zac's eyes. “Because he cares about me.”

“Of course he does,” Zac replied, his tone only slightly patronizing. “I bet he even loves you. But you don't love him.”

“You don't know anything about me, or him, or how either of us feels.”

“I know there's got to be something wrong with him for consenting to this,” Zac said, then stepped closer and grabbed my hand. “And I know you can't possibly be happy about the whole situation.”

“I don't really have a choice, do I?”

“You do,” he replied. “But most of them suck. Being with that little piss ant, though? I _know_ that isn't what you want.”

I tried to ignore Zac's hand creeping around my waist. “It's him or no one, though, isn't it?”

“Is it?” Zac asking, leaning down.

I knew what came next, and I knew I needed to stop it. But I couldn't. I froze. Only Zac's warm lips could melt me, and soon I found myself kissing him back. I barely heard Asher shuffle into the room, but his fake cough was as loud as a gunshot.

“Asher, I—” I began.

“You need to leave,” he said, his eyes trained on Zac.

“Do I?” Zac asked, looking amused. “Is this your apartment, or do you just think you can speak for Colby?”

“Zac, don't do this,” I tried to warn, but he paid me no attention.

“I'll go when she tells me to go,” Zac said, pulling himself up to his full height. It wasn't that much above Asher's, but he was broader and more imposing. To his credit, Asher didn't shrink away from him at all.

“I know Colby doesn't want you here,” he replied. “And you haven't shown any signs, until today, that _you_ want you here. You can't just walk in and out whenever you please.”

“No, I can't,” Zac said. “You're right. I can't, because that's my baby. There's a part of me here, with Colby, so I _can't_ just walk away. But you know it isn't simple for me like it is for you. You can leave. You _should_ leave. You like Colby, you've had a few good months together. Great. How about the next eighteen years? How about forever? Hmm? You could leave any time, because there's nothing— _nothing_ but a little crush—keeping you tied to her.”

Asher seemed oblivious to the fact that Zac had crept closer to him, getting more and more up in his face. He just sneered and replied, “And you would know all about being tied down, wouldn't you? Don't act high and mighty when we all know you've got a wife at home who you cheated on.”

“I'm not denying it. But I know what it's like to be a father and a husband. You're just some little kid who thinks he's got a ready made family here, but who's going to run the second this gets tough. I can see that written all over you.”

Only then did Asher waiver, and that was when my own doubts crept back in. Could Zac be right? Hadn't I already wondered why Asher stayed and if he would someday leave?

After a moment, he shook his head. “You might know _how_ to be a husband and father, but even I can see how shitty you are at both.”

Zac turned his head and gave me an eerily calm look. “Colby? You're going to have to forgive me for this.”

Before I could ask what “this” was, he spun back around and swung his fist at Asher's face. It connected with his jaw with an awful crack. I reeled back against the counter as though I'd been hit too and covered my eyes, bracing for the next impact. When it didn't come, I pulled my hand away from my eyes just in time to see Asher rushing out of the room. I wanted to call out to him, but I didn't know what to say. I was too in shock.

“What the fuck, Zac!” I gasped out once I finally found my voice again.

Zac spun back around to face me, his face still full of such anger and hurt that I both wanted to run away and hug him. “I'm _not_ a bad father, and if I had half a chance, I would prove that to you.”

“But you don't,” I said softly.

He stepped in closer to me and wrapped his arms around my waist again. “There has to be a way... we have to figure something out... some way for me to be in our baby girl's life. Please, Colby.”

“I don't know,” I replied, shaking my head. “I don't know what to do.”

“Just trust me,” Zac said softly, holding me close and resting his head on top of mine. “Please, just... just trust me, and we'll figure this out somehow.”

I just couldn't see how, but before I could voice that fear, Asher walked back into the room. That time, I didn't bother jumping away from Zac. Obviously Asher had already seen us and I had done worse than just hug Zac. I knew I should feel guilty for the hug and the kiss, but with everything else going on, I just didn't. Being with Zac had never felt as wrong as it should have, not even right then.

“Asher...” I said softly, nervously watching him walk around the room like we weren't even there.

It took me a moment to realize what he was doing. With a messenger bag across his shoulder, he was packing to leave. His other hand held a washcloth to his mouth, a few spots of blood dotting it. I hadn't realized how hard Zac had hit him, and I was torn between wanting to punch Zac back and wanting to hug Asher. I wasn't sure which would be less appreciated.

Asher ignored me until he'd finished stuffing his bag with books, papers and various other items. Finally, he turned back to me and just shook his head sadly. “I can't... I can't do this, Colby. God knows I'm not saying this asshole is right, but if he's going to be in your life like this... I can't.”

“What were you expecting when he found out the truth?” I asked.

“I don't know,” Asher replied with a soft shrug. “But not this. I really do hope things work out for you, but I just... I can't do this. I can't be here right now and maybe not at all. I'll come back for the rest of my stuff.”

I had no words to stop him. I couldn't tell him that Zac wouldn't be in my life or the baby's life, because I didn't know. To my surprise, I realized that I wanted him to be. I wanted this to work, somehow, so that they could _both_ be here, but as I watched Asher walk out, I realized that just wasn't possible. I couldn't have everything I wanted. Maybe I couldn't have any of it.


	35. In My Arms Tonight

Once the door had slammed behind Asher, I turned back to Zac, prepared to yell at him for ruining everything, but when I saw that his face wasn't smug as I'd expected it to be, I couldn't. He looked... almost sad. Apologetic. He held his arms out to me and I collapsed into them, not crying but my chest still heaving like tears might start to fall at any moment.

The more I thought about what had just happened, the angrier I became. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair that I couldn't have something good in my life, and this time, I wasn't to blame. This time it was Zac's fault. I wrenched myself out of his arms and shoved him away from me.

“What the fuck was that for?” He cried.

“What do you think?” I screamed back. “You just chased my boyfriend away! Why would you do that? What the hell do you have to gain from that?”

“He wasn't right for you, Colby. You know that, whether you want to admit it or not.”

“But that was my decision to make, not yours!” I shot back.

“Colby,” Zac sighed out. “He left. I'm not saying I didn't give him the final push he needed, but he chose to leave. If he left then, he could have left any other time. It's better to get him out of the picture now than have to explain to your daughter why her 'daddy' isn't here anymore.”

I sneered at the way he drew quotation marks around the word daddy. “And what about her real daddy, Zac? How do I explain her to why he's never been here?”

“I don't know,” he admitted, his brow furrowing. “I don't know. I'm not... it's not that I _don't_ want to be here. With her. With you.”

“But it's not that simple,” I finished for him, lacing the words with more than a little sarcasm.

He threw up his hands. “What do you want me to do? Leave my wife and my other kids?”

“I still don't have any right to do that,” I replied, shaking my head. “Not even now. I told you before not to make any promises to me that you couldn't keep, and it's seeming more and more like there aren't any that you can.”

“So what then? I asked you on tour what you wanted from me because I didn't know then, and I don't know now.”

I sighed. “I just want... I don't know, to be able to trust you? If you're going to really be in this baby's life, then be in it. I'm not saying all the time, because obviously you aren't going to leave your family, but... when you can. I don't want to wonder when you leave if you're coming back. Because if I have to wonder, if _she_ has to wonder, then you might as well not ever be here at all.”

“Okay,” Zac replied, nodding. He took a hesitant step toward me. “I want to be here. I'm doing my best to be here. That's why I'm here now. Not just to chase that little boy off. That was just a bonus.”

I rolled my eyes. “You're here now, but actions speak louder than words, Zac. And like you just said, you chased my boyfriend off, so I'm not exactly happy about your actions right now.”

Zac closed the distance between us and brushed my hair out of my face. “I'm sorry, Colbs. I just... I just know you're better off without him. You know you are. Better off not complicating this whole thing more than it already is.”

“It's still not up to you to decide,” I mumbled, trying to ignore the stupid butterflies I got every time Zac touched me.

“No, and I'm sorry for that. If he comes back, then I'll admit I was wrong, but... I really don't think he will.”

“Maybe you're right,” I admitted, the words mumbled so much that if it weren't for Zac's little smile, I wouldn't have been sure he'd even heard me.

But he had, and he smiled more as he leaned down to kiss me again. I was still angry, but I couldn't resist his kiss. I had never been able to. I let him nudge me back against the counter, kissing me more and more deeply. 

“The bedroom,” he mumbled against my lips. “Which way is it?”

I should have refused him, but I couldn't. Asher and I hadn't had sex for weeks, something I blamed on my ever-growing stomach. Zac didn't seem to care, and that made it difficult for me to resist him. I took his hand and pulled him down the hall to my bedroom, hoping he could ignore the fact that some of Asher's clothes were still scattered around the room. I brushed some clothes off the bed and sat awkwardly on the edge of it.

Zac sat down next to me and brushed my hair back. “We don't... have to do anything. Not if you're not feeling up to it or whatever.”

I shook my head. “No, it's fine, it's just... it's a little weird.”

“I know, baby,” Zac replied, chuckling. He pressed a soft kiss to my jaw. “Just relax, it'll be fine.”

We kissed just like that, sitting on the edge of the bed. Zac kicked his shoes and socks off into the floor and I did the same. Slowly, carefully, he eased me back onto the bed, peppering my body with kisses while he peeled off my clothes. Once he'd stripped me down to my underwear, he sat up and removed his own clothes as well. The tattoo on his arm took me by surprise, even though I knew it was there. The last time I'd seen him, it had been covered by a dress shirt, and before that, it had hardly even been healed. Now it looked like it had been a part of him for years.

“Come on,” Zac said softly, pulling me toward him as he positioned himself back against my pillows. 

I felt myself blushing all over as I took off my underwear and climbed on top of Zac. It was obvious that was where he wanted me, and I knew that would be more comfortable, but it was strange to have his eyes on my body, especially the way it looked right then.

Zac grasped my hips and pulled me closer to him. Softly, he said, “It's okay, sweetheart.”

I nodded, but I was still blushing. With Zac's hands to help guide me into position, I carefully lowered myself onto him. Six months had been long enough for me to nearly forget what he felt like, but the second he entered me, I remembered. With everything that was so wrong about being with him, it somehow always felt so right when we were together like that.

Zac kept his hands on my hips at first, helping me to find a rhythm that felt right. Once I settled in, he let his hands wander. They didn't spend too long on my stomach, thankfully. He let them creep up my sides, curving over my breasts and pinching my nipples. My head fell back and I moaned loudly at that, unsure whether I was just that much more sensitive than usual or if it was Zac to blame.

Because of the position, I didn't last very long. I held Zac's hands tightly as I came, struggling to keep my balance as I did. He thrust up into me, his pace growing faster and faster, until I felt him fill me up. 

It took nearly all of my strength to roll off him, and I hated how stupid and uncoordinated I must have looked. I tried not to think about the fact that none of this was new to Zac; I didn't need to ruin the moment with thoughts of his wife. She crept into my thoughts before I could stop her, though, and I hurried gathered up my clothes and shuffled to the bathroom before I could do something really stupid like start crying in front of Zac.

When I returned to the bedroom, Zac had redressed and was sitting up against the headboard, looking perfectly at home. My first instinct was to crawl into bed next to him, but before I could, I felt my stomach growling.

“Hungry?” Zac asked. “Work up an appetite?”

I rolled my eyes. “I am so too lazy to cook tonight, though. Would you judge me if I just have a bowl of ice cream?”

He grinned. “Not at all. If you bring me a bowl, that is.”

“Chocolate chip cookie dough?” I asked as I started pulling my clothes back on.

“Yes, please,” he replied, still grinning.

I returned to the room again a few moments later with two bowls of ice cream and two spoons, and Zac didn't look like he'd moved an inch. He smiled even bigger when I handed him his ice cream, and I was positive I had no defenses left at all. It didn't matter how angry Zac made me. When he smiled, nothing else in the world mattered to me.

We ate our ice cream in silence, but that silence was disturbed by his cell phone ringing. I didn't recognize the song, but judging by the way Zac growled, I could guess who that particular ring tone belonged to. He wiggled the phone out of his pocket and and rejected the call before I could look at the screen and confirm my suspicions. 

“Didn't want to chat?” I asked.

“No,” he practically snapped. “In fact, I might as well just turn the damn thing off. She's just going to keep calling until I go back.”

“And when are you going back?” I asked, hating myself as soon as the question left my mouth.

Zac sat his ice cream bowl to the side and snuggled up next to me. “If I had it my way, never.”

“Don't say that,” I replied. “You don't mean that.”

“Just let me stay tonight,” he whined. 

I sighed heavily, but we both knew I couldn't really argue with him. If he wanted to stay, for however long, I would let him. When he started to pout, I said, “Okay, okay. You can stay.”

Zac grinned and kissed the top of my head. “Thanks, Colbs. I did miss you, you know.”

“I missed you too,” I replied softly.

Zac volunteered to take our ice cream bowls to the kitchen, and while he was gone I turned off the light and settled into bed. When he returned, he climbed into bed next to me and wrapped his arms around me. We hadn't had the luxury of spending an entire night together many times during the tour, and I knew we shouldn't have it right then, but it felt so right. Our bodies fit together so easily that I couldn't have resisted indulging and letting him stay. 

“Hey, Colbs,” he whispered just as I was starting to drift off.

“Hmm?”

“It's just... I just wanted to tell you that you're beautiful, that's all.”

I scoffed. “Zac, I am a beached whale with stretch marks.”

“You're beautiful,” he replied. “And if she's lucky, our baby girl is going to look just like you.”

I rested my head on his chest and laughed softly. “I wouldn't mind if she looked like you.”

“Mmm, well maybe like me but with your little nose instead?” He suggested, trailing his finger down my nose and across my cheek. It came to rest in my hair. “And this brown hair, which I'm guessing is your natural color...”

“Yeah, it is,” I replied. “I got lazy, so...”

“I like it,” Zac said. “But you're beautiful either way.”

“And you're an expert at flattery. But it really isn't necessary.”

Zac chuckled. “And why not?”

“I already slept with you, didn't I?” I asked.

“Once or twice,” he replied, pulling me even closer to him. “But one more time wouldn't hurt, right?”

As if his meaning hadn't been obvious, he grabbed my hand and slid it into his boxers. I obliged, wrapping my hand around him. I was surprised to find that he was already a little hard, and soon enough, he was breathing heavily against me, too. 

“Roll over,” he said softly. “Like, on your side, just... facing away from me. Trust me.”

I wasn't sure what to think, but I did as he said. I had been too lazy to put on anything other than an oversized t-shirt, so Zac only had to slide it up and slip my panties down and off my legs. He trailed his hand up one of my legs, positioning it on top of his. I wrapped my foot around his leg and leaned back against him, letting him run his hands all over my body. I didn't even mind when they lingered a little on my stomach before he finally let one of them wander between my legs.

It took a little more work on Zac's part to get the position right this time, but once he did, he moved slowly and deliberately. His hand started out on my hip, moving me back against him in time with his own thrusts, then crept back between my legs to rub my clit. In spite of how much slower we moved this second time, I came just as hard, shuddering against him and letting my head fall back against his chest. Zac held me tightly as he rode out his own orgasm, and even afterward, I wasn't sure he was ever going to let me go.

He finally did, though, and we settled in for the night. I rested my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms tightly around me. I felt safe and loved, even though I didn't know what the future would bring. 

I didn't know what any of this really meant for Zac and I, or whether he was right that Asher wouldn't come back for more than the rest of his belongings. I didn't know if Zac truly would be there for the baby. I didn't know if she would ever know any father, real or not. I didn't know _anything_ but how good and right it felt to be in Zac's arms.

When I woke and didn't feel those arms around me, my heart immediately began to beat faster. I knew he could have been in the bathroom or the kitchen or anywhere else, but I didn't think he was. The panic rising up in my body said that he wasn't. I scrambled out of bed and hurried to search the apartment for him, my heart pounding so loudly I could hear it in my ears.

Zac was gone.

There was no note, no sign that he had ever been there. He was just gone. I knew I had no right to be surprised, but I was. I had thought something had finally changed between us, but I should have known better. Time and time again, Zac had said what he needed to get what he wanted from me. And once again, I had fallen for it.


	36. The One You're Holding Onto

_Stay here in my arms tonight  
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do  
I just wanna be the one you’re holding onto_

I didn't have to work the next day, so I spent the majority of it just sitting on my couch, facing the door. It was stupid, but I couldn't force myself to move. What if he came back? What if he had just run out to get food or go to some appearance he hadn't mentioned? What if?

But I knew. Deep down, I knew. He was gone and he wasn't coming back.

It didn't matter what Zac said. He wasn't going to stay. He could flatter me all he wanted, make me feel more alive than I ever had... and then make me feel more dead. Because he wouldn't stay. He couldn't stay. And it was foolish for either of us to act like he could or like one night really meant anything. One night didn't change a damn thing, and I knew it.

I let myself mope for one day. Just one day. Once he'd been gone for twenty four hours and I hadn't heard a single word from him, I accepted that it was over. Even if he came back eventually, groveling, begging to see his baby, I would know that he wasn't mine and never would be. I would know that I couldn't trust a word he said. For twenty four hours, I mourned the loss of whatever I had delusionally convinced myself we might have someday had, and then I moved on with my life.

There were too many things to do to sit around weeping for a boy who I jad never truly had. As my due date drew closer and closer, I was simply too damn busy to think about anything but the baby. She occupied my every thought, not Zac. If he occasionally crept in, I only needed to remember how he had left me and he was easy enough to chase away.

I leaned on Tobias more and more in those days, because it wasn't like I had very many other friends. I'd been too focused on my classes to make friends in college and my high school friends had all drifted away from me after my parents died and they didn't know how to relate to me anymore. Avery still hadn't spoken to me, and so that left me with no one nearby but Tobias. Aunt Sus came to visit often, but that was different. I needed an actual _friend_.

Asher hadn't returned, of course, except in my nightmares, which grew more and more insane every night. He and Zac battled to the death in my subconscious more than once, and no matter how much I screamed at them, they didn't stop. The scariest dreams were the ones where they turned on me, choosing to vent their frustrations on my body, too, ignoring my screams that they would hurt the baby. Sometimes they joined forces to help me deliver her, but what they delivered was only a corpse... or worse, a monster. I didn't sleep a lot those days.

_Just stay here in my arms  
Just stay here in my arms tonight_

It was starting to take a toll at work, but I was determined to work for as long as I could. It didn't matter how bad I felt; if I could pull myself out of bed and get my big fat ass to the store, I was going to work. The more money I had saved up for the days when I simply couldn't work, which I knew would be a lot of them once the baby was born since I didn't have a babysitter, the better. 

“Colby? Colby? You in there?”

I shook my head to clear it, slowly realizing that Tobias and Joey were both standing right over me, looking concerned. I'd developed a tendency to space out at work, especially if I'd had nightmares the previous night. That particular night, I'd watched Zac blame Asher for the dead, mangled corpse I'd given birth to. I didn't really even remember waking up and going to work, but evidently I had.

“Maybe you should just take the rest of the day off,” Joey suggested.

I shook my head again. “No, I'm fine. I just got lost in thought for a second.”

“Are you sure?” He asked. “You can go in the back if you need to like, pass out or whatever.”

“I'm not going to pass out,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I'm fine, I just... I just drift off. Pregnancy brain.”

“Do you need to take a nap?” Tobias offered.

“No!” I snapped. “Not with these fucking nightmares I've been having. I just need a second and I'll be fine. Seriously.”

Joey crossed his arms. “I hate to ask this, but what are you going to do once you have this kid? It's bad enough now, but maybe you just need to go on and take some time off. I'm glad to have you here, but I don't want to put more of a strain on you than necessary.”

“I'll be fine,” I replied, standing up. “It's not like I can keep working much longer anyway, but I'm going to work as much as I can. Eventually my money will run out, you know.”

I stared them both down, willing them to disagree with me. Neither one did. Aside from the radio playing in the background, since we couldn't agree on a playlist that day, the store was completely quiet.

_I got a feeling that I cannot contain  
I can’t believe this moment  
You’ve got your eyes locked on me  
In my head I think it must be a mistake  
But my heart says take your chances  
It could be this first dance is the unexpected beautiful  
I can barely admit I’ve been longing for _

“Of all the fucking times,” I mumbled. 

I let my head fall against the counter and groaned. Even though he couldn't know what was bothering me, Tobias rubbed my back gently. Joey mumbled something about how I needed to go in the back, and then shuffled away. That was about as close to sympathetic as I expected him to be, maybe even moreso. 

Of all the times for Hanson to have something of a comeback, it had to be now, when I was trying to rid my life of them. It had to be now when I was doing everything I could to remove Zac from my memory. It had to be now when I didn't need to hear him promising to stay. It had to be now when I knew his promises meant nothing.

From within my pocket, I felt my phone buzzing. I wiggled around to pull it out and see who could possibly be texting me.

_I'm sorry – Z_

Even though I had deleted his number, I didn't have to guess who Z was. How many other people could I possibly know whose name started with the last letter of the alphabet, especially ones who owed me an apology? Of course it was Zac Fucking Hanson. After banging my head against the counter for a moment, I typed a reply.

_You could say that every day for the next eighteen years and it wouldn't be enough._

Tobias was still rubbing my back but thankfully not looking over my shoulder when I received Zac's reply. I was sure he could guess who was texting me, anyway, and I was glad he wasn't nosy enough to feel the need to read the texts, too.

_I know. What can I do? I want to make things up to you but I don't know how. I don't know how to dig myself out of this, Colbs._

I gaped at my phone's screen, not believing the words I was reading. Once again, he could only make things all about him. He said he wanted to make things up to me, as if it were possible, but he didn't. I knew he didn't. He wanted to save his own ass. That was why he ran. Because no matter what he wanted, he knew who he was accountable to, and it wasn't me.

_You can't. It's too late for you. It's too late for us._

With a heavy sigh, I tucked my phone back into my pocket. I didn't need to read or hear whatever else Zac had to say. He couldn't fix this. He just couldn't. It was what it was and I was done pretending that there was any way that it could ever change.

“Take a break,” Tobias said softly. “Joey doesn't mind. You can just go in the back and rest.”

I nodded. I didn't feel like arguing that any nap I tried to take wouldn't leave me feeling any more rested. I was tired of fighting with everyone, so I did what Tobias said and went into the back room. I had left a blanket there some time ago, and while the back room wasn't exactly the most comfortable place to take a nap, it was better than going all the way home. 

Just as I settled myself into the floor and wrapped myself up in my blanket, my phone began to ring. I didn't have to guess who it was. I wiggled around until I could pull it out of my pocket again, and sure enough, there was the same number Zac had texted me from. I hated myself for answering it.

“Hello?”

“Colby, please...”

“Please what?” I asked. “I can't do anything for you, Zac. I can't make you stay. I can't go back in time and undo... _any_ of this. So what, exactly, do you want me to do?”

“I don't know,” he replied weakly.

“I don't either. You keep asking me to take all these leaps of faith and trust you, but I can't. Every time you prove that I can't.”

_Stay here in my arms tonight  
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do  
I just wanna be the one you’re holding onto  
And if you wanna run tonight  
I’d take you anywhere you want me to  
I’m giving you my heart ‘cause I  
I’m lost without you  
‘Cause I’m lost without you_

I could hear what sounded like ice clinking in a glass before he spoke again. “I know we can't go back, but believe me, I would do so many things differently if we could. I just... I wanna stop talking about what went wrong, and talk about what can be different. What we can do now.”

“And I want to stop talking about it and actually _do_ it,” I replied. “You can talk all you want, but you don't do a damn thing you talk about doing.”

“There has to be something I can do,” he said, his voice breaking.

“Nothing I'll ask of you,” I said. “You know that. I won't ask you to leave her, because I don't believe you ever will, anyway. And I know you can't be here all the time, but you're not even trying to be here when you can.”

“You don't fucking know that!” He growled.

I cowered, even though he wasn't there to see it. After taking a moment to collect myself, I replied, “This is the first time you've contacted me in two weeks. And how long was it before that? And before that?”

“I don't know,” he admitted. “But Colby... she reads my texts, checks my calls... And why shouldn't she? I've proven that I'm an asshole she can't trust.”

“Exactly,” I shot back. “So why should _I_ trust you?”

“Because I said so!” He replied, the words slurred ever so slightly. “I don't fucking know, I just want a chance to... a chance to do things right for once.”

“I can't give you that. Everything I've given you has gone to shit.”

“Well, fuck it then,” he mumbled. I heard the ice tinkling in the background again and I wondered if he was drunk. I didn't want to ask.

“I'm going to go,” I said softly. “This conversation isn't getting us anywhere, because there's nowhere for us to go.”

“Fine.”

I sighed. “Don't be like that, Zac. You know I'm right.”

“Just go,” he said. “Just fucking go. Whatever.”

Before he could get any angrier with me, I ended the call and turned my phone off. I was done. Done with him and done with giving him chances. Just... done. I settled back down into my blanket and hoped that, if I could fall asleep at all, I had no more horrible nightmares.

_I see it all aligned in front of my face  
But like a shooting star fades  
It could be gone just as fast as it came _


	37. Layla Juliette

The contractions began four days before my due date. I didn't worry about them at first; I knew I was lucky not to have had them before then. They didn't come often and they weren't even _that_ painful, just an annoying reminder that there was a baby trying to make her escape from my body. 

Although I had called my doctor, I did my best to get on with my life. Dr. McGuire wasn't worried so I tried not to be. I went to work as usual, just like I would have done if there weren't a tiny human beating on my uterus. Tobias and Joey both thought I was insane for working, but I intended to be there until I couldn't be. 

The nightmares had miraculously ceased after Zac's phone call, but his phone calls hadn't. He called or texted several times a day during the last month of my pregnancy, and although I didn't dare ask, I wondered what his wife thought of that, since she apparently kept tabs on him. But I didn't ask that. I didn't ask or say anything. Each and every one of his messages went completely ignored.

“If you just don't want to be the one to throw that phone out the window, I'll gladly volunteer,” Tobias said when my phone rang for what felt like the four millionth time that day.

I snatched the phone up and turned it off. “There. Happy now?”

“It's a start,” he replied.

“It's the best I can do for you,” I grumbled, clutching my stomach when another contraction hit me. This one was worse than the ones the day before.

“Colby?” He asked. 

I shook my head. “I'm fine. Blame her bastard father. She's probably just raising her fist in agreement that he's a douche and I should ignore him.”

“Maybe he's actually trying to be there for you. I mean, it's the most you've heard from him the whole time, isn't it?”

“I don't need to hear from him. I need him to actually do shit, and preferably the shit he says he's going to do,” I replied.

I hadn't realized I was getting louder and louder until Joey came out of the back, an eyebrow raised. He glanced back and forth between me and Tobias and asked, “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Tobias replied.

The second I opened my mouth to say the same, I felt... something. It was like a sudden pop, almost audible, and I wondered just what sort of aerobics the baby was doing on my insides now. Joey's eyes were widening and I followed them down my body, suddenly realizing just what that pop had been. A very obvious trail of dampness ran down my pink leggings and once I'd seen it, I realized I could feel more of it dripping down.

My water had broken.

“We need... you... I'm just going to go call a cab,” Joey stuttered out.

I nodded, vaguely feeling Tobias's arms around me, nudging me toward the back room. He practically shoved me the entire way to the bathroom, where I sat until Joey knocked on the door and said the cab was ready. I let them shove me into it and barely managed to rattle off my address to the driver so that I could get the bag I'd prepared and had sitting just inside the front door of my apartment. There was so much I needed to do and I tried to tick the list off in my mind—get my bag, call the doctor, call my aunt—but everything seemed to be happening too quickly and in the wrong order. 

At least Tobias had stayed with me. He followed my shaky directions to the overnight bag I had waiting by my apartment door and even managed to stay calm on the phone with Aunt Sus. We had talked this over, and he knew the possibility that he would have to do this if Aunt Sus couldn't make it in time, but I don't think either of us really expected that to happen. We should have known, though. We both should have known that my life was always a mess.

Once I was checked into the hospital, things calmed down a little. The nurses were doting, settling me into bed with plenty of pillows and water to drink. Tobias was still texting Aunt Sus and Jaclyn, who were both on their way from Saratoga Springs. For the moment, I could relax, as much as that was possible with the contractions getting closer and closer together.

“How the fuck is this my life?” I asked Tobias once the nurses had finally left me alone.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, here I am, with this little girl evidently—” I paused to wince when a particularly strong contraction hit me. “Evidently banging her head against my cervix repeatedly, because she inherited her father's stubborn hardheadedness. Her father, who by the way, I couldn't even begin to locate right now. How, exactly, is this my life at twenty four?”

He shrugged. “I don't know. How is working in a record store at thirty two my life? Shit happens. You just gotta deal with it and move on. I'm happy enough with what I've got, and I know you aren't right now, but you will be.”

“Once she's stopped abusing my uterus, maybe,” I replied. “But even then... this is just the beginning of the next phase, isn't it?”

I wasn't surprised that Tobias didn't have an answer for that.

With nothing else to say, I turned my attention to the television. It was still early in the day, when there was nothing on but shows for bored housewives and I didn't see anything that interested me. Then I saw him. His hair, his smile, his laugh... I knew in a split second, even as my finger was on the button to change the channel again, that it was Zac. It took me a moment to figure out it must have been taped weeks ago when he was in New York. When he was with me. I didn't understand how he could look so happy when he was about to break my heart again, or worse, had already done it and ran away.

“Tobias,” I said. “Take the remote before I throw it through the screen. I really don't need to make this hospital bill any higher than it's already going to be.” 

He obliged, and just as he was slipping the remote under his ass so I wouldn't be inclined to grab it back, the door opened and in rushed Aunt Sus and Jaclyn. They were talking over each other at a speed of roughly a mile a minute so that I couldn't even distinguish what either of them was saying.

I snapped back to reality when Aunt Susanna swept Tobias up in her arms. “Oh, you must be Asher!”

“No, I... I...” he stuttered out, shaking his head.

“Aunt Sus, that's Tobias. I work with him. Asher's umm... well, we broke up.”

I tried to ignore both her condolences and Tobias' judgmental look as my contractions grew closer yet again. 

From there on, things got blurry. The contractions grew and grew, and so did the pain, until I was practically begging for relief. It came in the form of an epidural that had me swimming and feeling drunk. I pushed when they told me to push, though at times I could barely even remember why or what I was doing in the hospital to begin with.

The second I heard a baby's cry, I remembered why I was there.

They cleaned her off, cut the cord and laid her on my chest. My baby. I hadn't believed that Tobias could possibly be right, but he was. Maybe it was the pain medicine still coursing through my body or relief that it was over, but I just felt _happy_.

She was absolutely perfect. I was sure everyone thought that when they met their baby, but I was convinced of it. Like the cliché that I was becoming, I counted her teeny tiny little fingers and toes. They were all there and all perfect. She had a full head of dark brown hair and big brown eyes. Mine were brown, too, but one look at hers and I knew she had her daddy's eyes. But unlike the judgment and anger I sometimes saw in his, in hers I only saw wonder. 

I didn't even realize I was crying until I saw the tears hit her tiny little face. She still stared up at me in wonder, oblivious to my sadness. It wasn't just sadness, though. It was this strange bitterness mixed with all the happiness I felt at having somehow made something like her. How could such a perfect little baby come out of such an awful situation? And how could I go through all of this and even give birth to her without him there? No one had said a word, but everyone was aware of his absence. None of them felt it more acutely than me, though, and I knew that in the years to come, our little girl would feel it even more.

It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fucking fair.

The bed shifted under someone's weight, and I glanced over to see who it was. I had been so focused on the baby that I didn't even notice that the room had cleared out, leaving just one nurse and Aunt Susanna, now sitting on the edge of my bed and playing with the baby's tiny little foot. 

“She's beautiful,” she said softly, and I could hear that she was fighting off tears of her own, no doubt for very different reasons than mine.

I sniffled and nodded. “She is. She really, really is.”

“Have you picked out a name?” She asked.

“Yeah,” I replied. “Layla Juliette. Two t's and an e.”

“It's almost as beautiful as she is,” she replied, shuffling around a little. It took me a moment to realize she was holding the birth certificate.

It felt like I'd be filling out paperwork all day. I had done at least as much of that as I had pushing and breathing. This was the piece of paperwork I had dreaded, though. Trying not to sigh too heavily, I passed Layla off to my aunt and took the birth certificate from her. 

Most of the questions were easy enough. Name, date of birth, social security number, race... all things I knew about myself. Things I could recite in my sleep. Then I came to the difficult portion—the father. I couldn't list Zac and now I couldn't list Asher as the father, either. I had no one but a blank space. 

Aunt Sus gave me a little hug once I finished the paperwork and passed it off to the nurse. “Do you want a little time alone with her?”

“Yeah,” I replied weakly, and let her hand Layla off to me again.

I wanted a lot of things right then that I knew I couldn't have. I wanted to nap. I wanted Zac to be there to see the amazing little human being we had made. I wanted Layla to know that she was loved and that I, at least, would never, ever leave her. I wanted to not feel so alone even with my baby laying on my chest. 

I wanted to believe there was a chance that at least one of those things might actually happen, but right then, the only one that looked likely was the nap.

Layla gave the tiniest little yawn, reminding me that she'd had a pretty rough day, too. I tucked my blanket up around the two of us and rubbed her hair gently. She might not have been aware of it at all, but she _was_ loved, and she was never, ever going to have to doubt that. I could only hope that my love alone was enough.


	38. Family

I spent most of that first week at home with Layla in one of just a few places. We were either curled up on the couch together or I had pulled my new recliner in front of her crib so I could watch her sleep. Even though bonding with her was important, I knew I didn't need to spend every single second of the day with her, especially during those few hours when she was actually sleeping peacefully, but I couldn't stop myself.

When I could, I attempted to devour every book and website on babies that I could find. For most of my pregnancy, I had trouble thinking ahead and I came close to even resenting the thing growing inside me. It was hard to imagine that the result would be a real human being and not just some vague life ruining... thing. 

But she was real and she was here and I was determined to be the best mother I could be.

People tended to make assumptions about my childhood based on what I looked like, but all it really meant was that I had a loving, accepting family who knew that how I chose to dress and decorate my body didn't make me a bad person. My parents had been the best parents a kid could have ever wanted. I hated saying that I had a fairytale childhood, but I kind of did, especially since I was an only child. Thanks to grad school and fertility issues, my parents had been older than what was considered normal when they finally had me, and in the meantime, they'd both learned practically everything there was to know about pregnancy, birth and child development. 

But me... I was brand new to this.

While Layla napped, I was reading everything I could, trying to learn all the things I thought I should have already known. It was just overcompensation, I knew. If I had to do this alone, then I had to be twice as good as any other mother. I had to be mother, father, everything to her. 

She had been taking a particularly long nap one day when a knock came at the door. It was time for Tobias' shift to end, so I figured it was him coming by to check on us like he had developed a habit of doing. I braced myself for Layla to start crying at the sudden noise, but thankfully she didn't. I sat down the book I'd been reading and shuffled to the door to answer it. 

When I swung the door open, I saw that it wasn't Tobias.

“Avery, I...” I stuttered out, scratching my head. I felt stupidly self conscious of how I looked, with my unwashed hair, boxer shorts and milk-stained t-shirt.

“Is this a bad time?” She asked.

I looked down at my shabby appearance again, then back up at Avery and raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, dumb question,” she replied. “But can I come in?”

“If you want to...” I replied, stepping back to let her in.

I didn't understand at all why she was there. I hadn't seen her since the wedding, a full five months prior. I had seen Zac, the flakiest of all the flakes in the world, more recently than I had seen his sister. What had changed? Why was she there? A tiny little cry from my bedroom provided the answer. 

“I'm sorry, I'll just... I'll be right back...” I stuttered out. “You can, umm, you can go ahead and sit down or whatever.”

Before Avery could say anything, I hurried off to the bedroom. Layla had woken up, and her cries were in full force by the time I made it to her crib. I wasn't sure what had disturbed her, other than perhaps our voices, but I could see she wasn't going back to sleep any time soon. After checking for a dirty diaper, I resigned myself to holding and rocking her for a while. It wasn't like I minded; if I could have spent every moment of the day holding her, I would have.

A little sheepishly, since I was carrying the wedge that had come between mine and Avery's friendship, I made my way back to the living room. Avery was sitting on one end of the couch, and I sat on the other, curling my legs up under my body and holding Layla against my chest the way I knew she liked. Only when she was right against my heart did she seem to calm down from some of her worst crying fits. 

“Is that, umm... I mean, what's her name?” Avery asked.

“Layla,” I replied. “Sorry she's not making better of a first impression. I guess she wanted to show off how loud she could be.”

Avery smirked slightly. “She comes by that naturally.”

“I guess so,” I replied softly. “Look, Ave... I'm really sorry that it all... came out like that. I never intended for anyone to find out like that. Truthfully, I never intended for anyone to find out at all.”

“Don't you think Zac deserved to know?” She asked.

I tried not to let my anger take hold of me. “For all the good it's done that he found out.”

Avery sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “Colby, he's... you know this isn't easy on him. You can't have expected him to just drop his family and run here. Or did you? Did you really expect him to just be with you?”

“No!” I said, then winced at how Layla cried louder. “No, I didn't expect _anything_ from him, and that's what I've gotten. Nothing. I didn't want him to know because he was obviously trying to make things work with Kate, and I was trying to help that. If he never knew, if _she_ never knew, then it would be one less thing to drive them apart.”

“You make it sound noble,” Avery replied, only a hint of judgment in her voice.

I shrugged. “He made it pretty clear that he didn't want to be with me, anyway. I didn't really think having his baby would change anything. So before you or anyone else can accuse me of it, I most certainly didn't get pregnant on purpose.”

“I wasn't going to accuse you of that,” Avery scowled. “Not at all. You wouldn't have kept it a secret for so long if you did. That much is obvious. I just... I still don't understand why you couldn't at least tell me. It hurts, Colby, that you deceived me. It still hurts.”

“So why are you here now?” I asked.

“Because no matter how much you hurt me, she's my niece. She's my family. And someone on her dad's side ought to get to know her. The rest of them will come around eventually, I hope, because she deserves to know them. It isn't her fault. She shouldn't be deprived of her family because of... how she became a part of it.”

I stared at her for a moment, only vaguely registering that Layla had finally stopped crying. Maybe Avery's words had gotten to her as well. “I... that's really... more than I deserve, probably. I'm so sorry, Avery.”

“I know,” she said. “And I'm sorry, too. You probably needed a friend these last few months and I was too busy being selfishly angry with you to think about that.”

I shrugged her words off, not wanting her to know how much I had needed and still did need a friend. Tobias was great, but he couldn't be everything to me. Avery couldn't either, but she was one missing piece of the puzzle. The other piece... I didn't know when I would see him again, if ever.

“So, Layla, huh?” Avery asked. “Like the song?”

I nodded. “Layla Juliette Green.”

“You didn't... she's not...?”

“Why should she be?” I asked. “I'm not his wife. He wasn't even there when she was born, and he's not here now.”

Avery frowned deeply. “Colby, he's... you don't know what he's going through. I don't know, maybe it's not my place to tell you, and truthfully I don't know how bad it is because I'm not there, but...”

“But what?” 

“It's just... from what Zoe said the last time I talked to her, he's been staying with our parents a lot and she said he always smells like alcohol and pot. And thanks to him, our baby sister can identify those two smells now.”

I looked away. “I hope you're not blaming me for that.”

“I'm not,” she replied. “You just need to know what this is doing to him. What not being able to make this right is doing to him. And I really do think that's what it is. It's not _you_ , it's that there's no way for him to win this. There's no way for him to go back to pretending everything is okay, and definitely no way for everything to be okay.”

“You're really... really not blaming me?” I asked, hesitantly looking up at her.

“No, I'm not,” Avery said softly. “I know his marriage wasn't perfect. Everyone knew that, but until now, they've worked through their problems. Not that they've ever... had problems this bad before. But whatever it was, the two of them could work through it. And now Zac just doesn't know how to even begin to work through this, so he's... he's just shutting down, I guess.”

“What can I do about that?” I asked weakly. “I tried, Ave. I tried to keep him away from this. I did.”

“I know. But I'm just not sure that was the solution. I don't know what is.” A little sheepishly, she added, “Do you think... can I hold her?”

I glanced down at Layla, who was nearly asleep, her little eyelashes fluttering. “It's a risky move, but hopefully it won't set off those operatics again.”

Carefully, I adjusted the blanket I had her wrapped in and handed her over to Avery. Of course she was an expert at this, with as many siblings, nieces and nephews as she had. She knew more about being a mother than I did, I was sure. That was only one small part of why I was glad to have her in my life again.

“She looks like you,” Avery said.

“You think? I look at her and all I can see is Zac.”

Avery gave me the saddest look. “You love him, don't you?”

I gaped at her. I couldn't say it. I'd never said it to Zac, never acknowledged it out loud in any way, and I couldn't do it now. I didn't have to, though. The way Avery nodded slightly told me that she knew, without me saying it, that I did.

“Why did you really leave the tour?” She asked. “Because you were pregnant, or...?”

I shook my head. “I didn't know that until Thanksgiving, but it... it must have happened earlier in October. But I just... you know, he seemed so happy, Ave. After Kate had the baby. He was so happy, or at least trying to convince himself he was, I guess. And I knew if I stayed, he wouldn't be. And I wouldn't be, either, but... I just couldn't keep holding on for something I wasn't going to get and dragging him through the dirt at the same time. Even before I knew about... about Layla, I just knew I had to get away before I ruined everything. Too late, I guess.”

“You didn't ruin anything,” Avery said. “If he was willing to cheat with you, then his marriage was already on its deathbed. Whether either of them will ever admit that is another thing entirely.”

“I never asked him to leave her,” I blurted out. I wasn't sure why I had said it, but it seemed important for Avery to know.

Avery just nodded, as though she already knew or she just believed it without question. She looked back down at Layla, who had drifted off easily in her arms. “I guess I do see a little of him in her. I wish _he_ could see her.”

“He could,” I replied. “I'm not stopping him, even if he's not on the birth certificate. I don't want him making promises to do this or that, but if he was here... he could see her. I'd give him that, at least.”

Avery gave me a sad smile. “I know he's done a lot wrong, but I think he deserves that at least. Whether he's in any state to be grateful for it right now, I don't know. But hopefully...”

She drifted off then, and I didn't dare ask her to finish the sentence. I didn't want to think about what might happen. I just wanted to be happy that at least one relationship in my life had been repaired and that for now, Layla had one new family member. I couldn't even attempt to think about all her other aunts, uncles, cousins... half brothers and sister... father. Those were all big question marks that made me feel sick, but this, this was good. Sitting here with Avery was good. I didn't have it in me to think about any other steps in the right direction.


	39. Blackbird

As much as I wanted to spend every moment of every day just sitting in the apartment with Layla, getting to know her, it wasn't exactly practical. Tobias and Avery were as helpful as they could be, but eventually there came a day when neither of them could come to my rescue and I realized I was dangerously low on any food other than breast milk.

Even though it was a short walk to the grocery store, it was a huge production to get myself and Layla ready. I took my time packing everything she could possibly need for an hour or so away from home. It was the first time the two of us had actually left the apartment since returning from the hospital and I was a little terrified, most likely for no reason at all. But I wanted to be absolutely prepared for every possibility. I read the directions three times on the fancy baby carrier Jaclyn had bought me before I was finally confident that Layla was as secure against my chest as she could be possibly be.

When there was nothing else I could do to delay, the two of us finally ventured out into the big scary world.

Grocery shopping with a baby strapped to my chest was an adventure. I had expected more of the judgment I'd gotten during my pregnancy, but surprisingly little came. Evidently the cute baby distracted people from my age and appearance.

As we made our way up and down the aisles, I piled down the cart and kept up a steady, one sided conversation with Layla. I didn't care that she couldn't really understand me yet, I still told her all about the goodies I was buying, all the foods I would cook for myself that she would reap the benefits of, too.

Once I'd filled the cart with as much as I thought I could carry, I steered it to the front of the store and lined up. There was a long line and I found myself reading the gossip magazine headlines just to pass the time. Those things had never interested me. Celebrity marriages, divorces, the royal baby... who cared about all that crap?

“It's a good thing your daddy isn't in one of these,” I mumbled to Layla.

Something strange that felt designed to torture me had happened over the last few months. Hanson had become popular again. It was nothing like their past popularity, but it was enough that I saw Zac's face and heard his voice far, far more often than I would have liked. Yet despite Avery's claims about his mental state, and despite the potential I had to bring him down, he never showed up in the gossip rags. Whenever I did see his face on television or on some glossy magazine cover, he was smiling and seemingly carefree. I didn't have it in me to inspect his eyes closely enough to see if it was an act.

Finally, the line moved and I was able to pry my eyes away from the magazine rack. I leaned over Layla to start placing my groceries on the counter.

“Oh, she's precious!” The cashier, an older woman whose nametag identified her as Marcia, practically squealed. “And so tiny! How old is she?”

“Just two and a half weeks,” I replied. “It's not very exciting, but this is her first little trip outside.”

“Well, she certainly seems to be enjoying herself,” Marcia said, reaching out to ruffle Layla's thick, dark hair.

I resisted the instinct to pull back, especially when I saw that Layla didn't mind. She just giggled. It wasn't her I wanted to protect, I realized. It was myself, Zac and our awful secret. It was as if I thought anyone who looked at Layla could see the truth of the indiscretion that led to her existence.

While she rang up my groceries, I answered the rest of Marcia's questions. None of them were too probing, but I still felt myself drawing in and longing to be away from her as quickly as possible. Finally, I hefted up my canvas shopping bags that were practically bursting at the seams and scurried out of the grocery store.

Two weeks. I was just two weeks into this, and already I felt overwhelmed. I could handle the small things—feeding her, changing her, getting her to sleep peacefully. She was what I supposed others would have called an easy baby. If she'd inherited her father's temper, it hadn't really reared its head yet.

It was everything outside of our front door that terrified me.

I couldn't control how the world saw us and judged us. I couldn't avoid all of their questions. If, god forbid, the truth came out, I wouldn't be able to avoid any of the scandal. Eventually I knew I would have to leave my apartment again, but the fear and uncertainty that it brought made me want to just stay locked up there until Layla turned eighteen.

All those thoughts had me walking so quickly back to the apartment building that I was barely aware of my surroundings at all. But I could have spotted him in any crowd, even as different as he looked right then. From just a few yards away, I was certain of who it was pacing back and forth in front of the apartment building's front door.

Zac.

His head was down and it didn't look like he had washed his hair in quite some time. His clothes were wrinkled and disheveled, and he just looked... beaten down. He didn't look anything like the Zac I knew who tried so hard to seem ten feet tall and bulletproof. In fact, he looked like he might collapse just under the weight of the backpack he wore.

When he turned to face me, I saw the next change. Another tattoo. A large black feather, bursting and turning into a flock of tiny black birds that flew up his left arm, disappearing into the sleeve of his t-shirt. Instantly, I knew the meaning. It was right there on my own left arm.

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these broken wings and learn to fly  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise_

I gasped at the realization and froze on the spot. Zac froze too. I forced my eyes away from his tattoo, but his were focused on my chest. On Layla. He closed the distance between us quickly, but paused just a foot from me.

“Is that... that's my...?”

I nodded.

“Let me...” he said, but instead of reaching for Layla, he grabbed the bags from my arms. With a sheepish look on his face, he added, “I, umm, I couldn't remember which apartment was yours. So I've just been... waiting. I guess it was a good thing I was.”

“I guess it was,” I mumbled, veering around him to lead the way up to my apartment.

There was no doubt in my mind that I was making a mistake by allowing Zac back into my apartment and into my life. But Layla deserved to have him in _her_ life, for however long he chose to be in it. That thought was the only thing that kept me moving and kept me from escorting him right back out the door once he'd carried my groceries inside.

Neither of us spoke as we worked to put away the groceries. I kept Layla strapped to me because I wasn't ready to let go of her yet, but I knew that once we'd emptied all the grocery bags, I would have no excuse to keep stalling. Sure enough, once we did, Zac just stood in front of me, looking almost hesitant and scared.

I sighed. “Here, just... just hold onto her while I unstrap this thingy.”

Zac nodded and I felt his hands slip underneath her, brushing against my chest. I undid the latches that held the carrier in place. As I did, Zac carefully slipped her out and cradled her against his chest. He was an old hand at this, I had to remind myself. Babies weren't anything new to him at all, but he still held Layla like a fragile porcelain doll, like he almost wasn't convinced she was real. 

“I got my wish,” he said softly. “She's just as beautiful as you.”

“Your eyes, though,” I replied.

“Maybe...” he said. “What's her name?”

“Layla. Layla Juliette.”

Zac glanced up at me and smiled, then looked back down at Layla and took her tiny hand in his as if he were shaking it. “Hi, Layla. You can call me Daddy.”

I was clearly about to overdose on motherly hormones, because I found the entire exchange too adorable to call Zac out on the fact that he probably wouldn't be around when Layla actually was capable of calling him anything. For the moment, it was just too cute and sweet for me to be angry with him.

“Can you believe we made this?” He asked, glancing up at me as he rocked her gently.

I just barely resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “Zac, you've done this before. It's biology. Genetics. You know how this works.”

“I know, but... look at her, Colbs. She's ours. We did that.”

I couldn't argue with the wonder in his voice. Even though he had three other kids, this was my first, and I _did_ understand what he meant. Layla was a tiny little miracle, and it seemed impossible that something so perfect could come out of such an awful situation. But she had.

As Zac continued rocking Layla and talking softly to her, I decided this was a moment they should have alone. He was so wrapped up in her that he didn’t even seem to notice me walking away. I crept into my bedroom and closed the door almost all the way before pulling out my cell phone and dialing the first person I thought of.

“Hello?” Avery said after a couple rings.

“Your brother is here,” I said.

“I know, he and Natalie are coming to pick me up to get lunch soon. How did you know?”

“Not that brother,” I replied.

There was a slight pause. “Oh. Oh, they said Zac had other plans. I guess I should have known, but I didn't think he would... I mean, they practically just landed...”

“But you knew he was going to be here,” I accused.

“I didn't _know_ know, but I assumed. I mean, of course he would want to see her, Colby. Layla's his daughter. He deserves to see her.”

I sighed. “I'm not saying he doesn't, I just don't understand at all.”

“So maybe you should talk to him,” she replied. “Really talk _to_ him, not at him, and try not to argue. I know how you—both of you—can be.”

“Yeah. Maybe,” I mumbled.

We said goodbye not long after that, because there was nothing else either of us could really say. Of course Avery would be able to see Zac's side; he was her brother, after all. In spite of myself, I could feel my heart softening toward him. I wasn't willing to trust him, yet, but for Layla's sake, I would give him this little chance.

I tucked my phone back into my pocket and headed back to the living room. Zac had settled down onto the couch, I found. Layla was curled up on his chest and they were both asleep. I brushed back his hair and he stirred slightly, but didn't wake. Laying there together, the resemblance between the two of them was obvious, and amazingly so was the bond. It was so new, and I was so afraid of Zac breaking it, but right then, I didn't know how I thought I could have ever tried to keep it from forming.

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to be free. _


	40. Somehow

I sat on the couch, watching Zac and Layla nap for quite a while before my stomach began to growl, reminding me that it was well past lunch time. Not wanting to make a lot of noise and wake them up, I carefully and quietly made myself a grilled cheese sandwich. Once it was done, I tossed a handful of chips onto the plate, grabbed a bottle of water and made my way back to the couch.

It almost hurt to look at the two of them, but I couldn't stay away. They were too cute. At the same time, it hurt because I knew it couldn't last. It wouldn't last. Soon, Zac would leave us and I had no way of knowing when he would come back. Even though I had learned not to trust him, seeing the way he had instantly bonded with our daughter made me long for something I knew I couldn't have.

Layla was too young to understand any of what was happening, I knew. To her, Zac walking into the other room was the same as him boarding a plane back to Tulsa. Either way, he was gone. It was funny how that worked, how her little mind processed what she saw and experienced. It amazed me that she even seemed to understand who he was, but I could see that in her own little baby way, she did. When he held her and spoke to her so softly, something inside of her mind just knew that was the man called Daddy. What it didn't know, what it was going to learn the hard way, was that Daddy wouldn't stay.

Just as I sat my empty plate on the coffee table, I felt Zac stir next to me. He mumbled something unintelligible as his hand automatically curled around Layla's head.

“Good morning, starshine,” I said.

“Hmm?” Zac blinked a few times. “Oh... oh, hey. Was I asleep?”

“You only drooled a little.”

For a brief second, he looked like he was actually going to wipe his mouth, but then he just snarled at me. “So mean to me in front of the baby.”

“She's asleep,” I said, reaching out to tickle her foot. She kicked a little, but continuing snoozing away. “See? Sleeping like a—wait for it—baby.”

Zac rolled his eyes. “Did you eat?”

“Yeah, are you hungry?” I asked. “I can make you a sandwich, too.”

He grinned. “Would you? I didn't get to eat on the plane. Well, nothing but pretzels.”

It shocked me that I was finding it so easy to be accommodating to him, but I was. I carried my plate back to the kitchen and started making another grilled cheese. While I cooked, I asked, “So why are you here anyway?”

“Same reason as last time,” he said, craning his neck to look my way. “I wanted to see you. And her. I had to meet our baby, Colbs.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “I guess you did. But why now? Avery, umm... she said Taylor and Natalie were here too?”

“They came to look at houses,” Zac replied. “They've been talking about moving back here for a while, but I guess they're serious this time.”

“And you decided to tag along?” I asked, walking back to the couch with his sandwich. He passed Layla back to me as I handed him the plate.

“Thanks,” he said. “And yeah, I guess I did. I just... needed to see you.”

I could tell there was more he wanted to say, more than he simply _wasn't_ saying, but I wasn't sure how to get him to open up and say it. While I considered my options, I felt Layla begin to stir, at first just a little but becoming more distressed by the second. I was learning how to read her signs already, and I had a feeling I knew which cries were about to follow.

“Looks like someone else decided it was lunch time,” I said, glancing up at Zac. “This is about to get gross.”

He shrugged, not even bothering to swallow a bite of his sandwich before replying, “Nothing I haven't seen before. Go ahead.”

A part of me wanted to run into the other room so that Zac couldn't watch, but he _wasn't_ watching. I might as well not even have been in the room for as much as my body interested him right then. He eyes didn't even flicker my way when I unbuttoned my shirt and wiggled out of the medieval torture device of a nursing bra I'd actually bothered to wear that day. As I positioned Layla and waited for her to latch on, Zac was still completely consumed with his sandwich. I hated myself for being bothered that he was ignoring me, but then I remembered that I didn't really _want_ him to watch this. No matter what he did, I didn't win.

Finally, he finished his sandwich and turned to face me. I was struck again by the sadness in his eyes. “The truth is, Colbs, I... Kate and I aren't living together anymore. We're... I guess officially separated now. I've been staying with Tay and Nat, so I'm shit out of luck if they really do move.”

“Am I supposed to say I'm sorry?” I asked.

“I don't know,” he replied. “You always said you wouldn't ask me to leave her. And I didn't. She left me. So... I don't know how you feel about that.”

“You know, it might be hard to believe, all things considered, but I really didn't want to break up your family.”

Zac reached out and stroked Layla's hair. “But now we're... we're kind of a family, too, aren't we? I mean... I can't pretend she's not mine, Colby. I can't. I don't care what the birth certificate says, she's my daughter.”

“So what?” I asked, shifting Layla to the other side. “What does that mean? What does that _change_? You're not going to stay here indefinitely. You might not be with Kate, but you still have three kids with her, and that means something, too. You can't leave one family and just replace it with another.”

Zac wiggled closer to me, putting his hands on my knees. “That's not... I wasn't trying to do that, Colbs. I'm trying to find a way to make this work, okay. So I can be there for Layla and not abandon my other kids. Because despite what Kate thinks, that's not what I want to do.”

“But you're not even living with them right now, are you?”

He sighed. “No. I'm not. But that's Kate's doing, not mine.”

“So you'd rather move back home and live with her?” I asked. “You want to keep that little happy family and have this one on the side?”

“No, no, no,” he said, shaking his head. He looked almost like he was going to cry, and if there hadn't been a baby between us I would have reached out to comfort him. “I don't know what I want, Colbs. I don't know that it even matters. I just need to do what's right for my babies—all of my babies. But there's just... so much standing in the way. I don't know how to make it happen.”

“I don't know either, Zac,” I replied. “But it's good that you're... that you're here right now. Even if you're not staying, it's good.”

He bowed his head for a moment, and when he looked back up he seemed happier. “I'm just glad you'll let me be here... with her. With you.”

I glanced down at Layla. “Well, how about you be even closer to her for just a second while I go clean up the mess she made on me? And if I know her, she's going to be ready for another nap once you get her burped.”

“I'm just about ready for another nap, too,” he replied with a goofy grin as he took Layla from me.

“Like father, like daughter,” I mumbled as I tucked myself back into my shirt and stood up. I tried to ignore how that comment made him grin even more.

I made my way to the bathroom to clean up the leaky, milky mess I'd become. I was a little tired of wearing something that wasn’t sweats, too. I had dressed up to go out, but I really didn't care about impressing Zac. He hardly even seemed to see me as something sexual now, but I supposed that was to be expected given my condition. With the mess cleaned up, my makeup removed, and pajamas on, I looked a little refreshed but still like a mother. I hadn't gotten used to that yet, and I snarled at my appearance in the mirror.

“I changed her diaper and put her in her crib, I hope that's okay,” Zac said softly.

I jumped a little, not even having noticed him appear in the doorway. I spun around to face him and noticed he'd changed clothes, too. “Did she spit up on you?”

“Nah,” he replied. “Well, just a little burp. No big deal. Trust me, I've been covered in far grosser things that have come out of babies.”

“Good to know,” I replied, giggling in spite of myself.

He held out his hand to me. “Come on, let's get a little nap in, too. Between my flight and your newborn, I think we need it.”

“Yeah,” I replied, taking his hand and letting him lead me to the bed. “I think we do.”

Zac led me all the way to the bed and helped me settle down into it before curling himself up around me. I felt warm, protected and even though I hated to think the word... loved.

He didn't love me, though. Did he? Avery had asked if I loved him, but she'd never even hinted that he loved me back. Then again, if she hadn't suspected that he did, would she have encouraged me to keep giving him more chances? Maybe that was all for the baby, though. After all, that was why she had decided to be my friend again—for the baby.

“Relax, babe,” Zac said softly. “I can't even imagine how you've gotten any sleep the past two weeks. Do you have any help at all?”

I tried to ignore what he'd called me. “Not really. I mean, Avery comes by as often as she can, and one of my coworkers has been picking up groceries and stuff so I don't have to go out. My aunt wants to come down and stay with me, but I hate for her to uproot herself like that...”

“You should let her. You're going to run yourself into the ground.”

“What about you?” I asked, running my hand over the wrinkles around his eyes that looked so much deeper than I remembered.

“I dig my own grave,” he said. “You know me. I'd be working myself to death even without all this to worry about.”

I had a feeling there was more to his grave digging than he let on. Now that we were so close, I could smell the faintest trace of alcohol on him. Maybe he'd had a drink or two on the plane. I always did, because I hated flying. It was no big deal, but combined with what Avery had told me about his recent habits, it worried me. I wasn't sure how to bring it up without making him defensive, though.

I let my hand run down his face, then on down his arm to the new tattoo. “When did you get this?”

“A week after the last time I saw you,” he replied, completely erasing any doubt I had that the tattoo could have been about anything but me.

“I never did ask how Kate reacted to the first one,” I said.

Zac chuckled. “She hated it. She really, really hated it. I mean, the first time she saw it, she was in labor. I just barely managed to convince her it was for our babies—three babies, three lines, you know—but later she still gave me hell for it.”

“And this one?” I asked, running my fingers over the lines of the feather.

“I don't really care what she thinks of it. If the other one was for those three kids, then I needed one for our baby, too, didn't I? Kate's opinion doesn't change the fact that you and I have a daughter.”

I sighed. “I imagine she hates that even more than she hates the tattoos.”

“Her opinion is irrelevant,” Zac replied, running his fingers through my hair. “She can't change the facts. All she can do is bitch and moan about them.”

And try to make our lives hell, I thought, but didn't say. Right then, being with Zac felt so good that I could convince myself that somehow, things would be okay. Somehow, we could find a way to make our little family work. Somehow.


	41. Aunts and Uncles

It was a fairly peaceful night, all things considered. There was only one late night feeding, and when Layla decided to cry for no particular reason, Zac rocked her and sang to her until she drifted off again. In fact, he was the first one out of bed every time she stirred, even though I woke up every time as well. At some point, I gave in to exhaustion and the next time I woke up, her crib was empty and I could hear Zac talking in the other room.

At first, I thought he was talking to her, but his voice kept rising in volume in a way that I didn't really think was appropriate. As I crept into the room, I saw that he was actually talking on his cell phone.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” he grumbled. “I just think, you know, it might be nice for you to meet her. That's all.”

I padded to the refrigerator, trying not to listen to his conversation... or at least not seem like I was listening to it.

“Well, can she just not come?” He asked. “I don't know, Avery can take her out to lunch or something. She can go shopping. I don't _care_ , Tay. If she's going to be weird about it, then she doesn't have to be there.... yeah, I know. Trust me, I'm grateful. I know.”

I closed the refrigerator door a little too loudly and it caught Zac's attention. He spun around and gave me a weak smile. I gave him a little wave that I was sure came off as sarcastic, but I was really just embarrassed to be caught eavesdropping in my own apartment.

“Yeah,” he spoke into the phone. “Yeah, okay. Noon? Okay. I really appreciate it, Tay. I'll call you back and let you know for sure.”

He stuffed his phone back into his pocket with a heavy sigh, then gave me another smile that seemed even more forced than the first. I tried to return it. “Not to be nosy, but what was that all about?”

“Don't hate me,” he said. “But I was just thinking... well, I talked to Tay about it, and he really does want to meet Layla.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, it sounded like it.”

“He did, it's just... you know, Nat. She and Kate are best friends, so I'm already kind of overstaying my welcome just by crashing at their place. Honestly, they're probably moving to New York just to get rid of me.”

“Seems a little excessive,” I replied.

Zac grinned. “I can be clingy.”

“Hadn't noticed,” I mumbled. “So, what? He wants to meet her?”

He nodded. “Yeah, umm... if it's okay with you, I mean. We could meet him for lunch. I don't think Nat's going to come, but... Tay will. So that's good, right?”

I found myself nodding, even though it didn't sound good to me at all. Before I said something stupid or threw up all over Zac, I rushed out of the room and into my bathroom. I shut and locked the door behind me and collapsed onto the toilet.

I couldn't do this. I couldn't see his family again. Seeing Avery and Zac was bad enough, but I couldn't imagine trying to talk to anyone else in his family. I had almost considered Taylor a friend at one time, but I always suspected he was judging me. He was the first person to guess, somehow, what was happening between Zac and I, and it had always made me feel so exposed and dirty every time he made some vague reference to it. I couldn't face him at all now.

“Colbs?” Zac asked from outside the bathroom. “Are you okay?”

“Fucking peachy,” I replied. “I gotta shower if we're going out for this lunch date, don't I?”

“I don't hear water running,” he said.

“Just fuck off!” I snapped. “God, does everyone in my life always have to tell me what to do? Like I'm not capable of making my own decisions?”

There was an audible sigh, then a thump that I suspected was Zac's head hitting the door. “I didn't say that, Colbs. I didn't even imply that. He's just, you know, wondering why I spent the night and I tried to explain to him, just... just how much I love this little girl already. If Tay could see her, he would get it. And she _is_ his niece. I didn't really think about how you would feel about it.”

“Well, you should have.”

“I should have,” he agreed. “And I'm sorry. If you don't want to go, then we won't go.”

I sighed. “I'll go. But only because you're being reasonable about it now.”

“Thank you,” Zac said. “You want me to get Layla cleaned up while you shower?”

“Nah, she's going to be crying for some milk any minute now. You can go first.”

Still a little hesitant, I stood up and unlocked the bathroom door. Zac stood there with Layla resting easily in his arms; it melted my cold little heart every time I saw him holding her like that was exactly where she was meant to be. I supposed it was. He gave me a little smile and kissed my forehead. “Thank you so much, Colby.”

“It's for her,” I replied with a shrug.

And it was. I had already realized that everything about my life had to be. Zac saw that, too, I thought. Even though he was clearly still suffering, he seemed to have come alive in the hours he'd been with me... with Layla. If seeing her was what he needed to pull himself out of the funk Avery said he'd been in, then that was good.

Between the feeding, two showers and getting Layla cleaned up and as presentable as a gassy two week old baby could be, it took us quite a while to leave the apartment. I put on a summery dress I'd bought for the trip to Italy; it wasn't really made for a post-baby body, but it was loose and flowy enough that I felt comfortable in it. With Layla strapped to my chest and Zac carrying the diaper bag, there was no more reason to waste time. I knew, instinctively, I'd drug my feet because I was still nervous about seeing Taylor again, but there was no point putting it off. It had to happen eventually.

The restaurant Taylor had chosen for us was a little grill in Tribeca. It wasn't exactly upscale, but I still felt awkward and weird walking into it with Zac and our baby. I was terrified of fans or paparazzi spotting us, but Zac had assured me during the entire cab ride there that it just wasn't going to happen; so far, the news that they were in New York hadn’t gotten out. I hoped he was right. In any case, by the time we arrived, Taylor had already found a secluded little booth in a corner and ordered his own food.

He jumped up when we approached and practically grabbed Layla's carrier from my arms. With a grin, he said, “Okay, she's way too cute to be related to Zac.”

“You haven't heard some of the noises that come out of her,” I replied, smirking.

“Thanks,” Zac huffed, throwing himself into the booth.

His mock offense passed in seconds and he motioned for me to sit next to him and put Layla on the table. I knew I would have to move her once our food arrived, but for the moment, I didn't mind putting her on display for her uncle. Like Zac, he seemed to have bonded with her instantly. I knew everything couldn't be perfect, but moments like that, with Layla cooing at the faces Taylor made, were deceptive in their perfection.

A few moments later, the waitress came along and took our orders. Taylor slid Layla into the booth next to him; I figured if we were lucky, any fans who saw us then would just assume she was one of his forty seven offspring.

“You guys realize this is kind of crazy,” Taylor said once the waitress was gone.

“What do you mean?” Zac asked.

“I mean, you're still married, and here you guys are... I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but it's just crazy. Acting like you guys are a little family.”

Zac's brow furrowed. “Well, aren't we? I mean, that's my daughter, Tay. I can't pretend she isn't.”

“I know, I know,” Taylor replied. “I'm not telling you to. I couldn't. But you guys are just... I mean, anyone who saw you would think you guys were together. You look like a little newlywed couple with your baby. It's kind of disgustingly cute, actually.”

I looked at Zac. Did we look like a couple? I supposed we must have, with him doting on Layla, carrying the diaper bag, holding doors open for me... It was part of that strange gentlemanly side he had, and I took it for granted. I didn't think it really meant anything about how he felt about me, though.

Taylor forced a smile. “Whatever, let’s just enjoy lunch, okay? It might be a crazy situation, but I wanna get to know this little girl.”

After a little small talk about what her first few days and weeks of life had been like, our food arrived. Taylor talked around bites of his French dip, telling me what he could remember about his babies early days. Zac was even more animated, and I tried not to be jealous. It was silly. I _knew_ he was married. I knew he had three kids. I knew he loved those kids more than anything, but it was evident that he loved Layla, too. There was nothing to be jealous of.

Was there?

In between bites of my hummus and pita, I attempted to ignore that jealousy and answer all of Taylor's questions. He had never struck me as a particularly attentive parent, but I was beginning to think that was an unfair assumption. Then again, maybe he was just a really good uncle. Since I was an only child, I was glad that Layla was at least getting to know two of her many aunts and uncles.

“And Daddy's been good to her?” Taylor asked, eyeing Zac with mock suspicion.

I nodded. “He's been... great. Burping her, getting spit up on, helping me bath her, changing diapers...”

Zac just shrugged and mumbled, “Least I can do.”

“Well, once we move here, I hope I can see her some more,” Taylor said. “She needs an uncle to spoil her. Isn't that right, Layla?”

“If she develops a premature Starbucks addiction, you know who to blame,” Zac said, leaning over as if he were sharing a secret with me.

Taylor rolled his eyes. He opened his mouth to fire off what I was sure would be a smart ass reply of some sort, but he was cut off by Zac's phone ringing. I recognized that ring tone. I'd heard it before.

Kate.

“Hello?” He answered nervously. “Yeah, I am but how did you... oh. Of course. Of course she told you.”

I could read between the lines of that, and I felt myself getting sick. Taylor looked as uncomfortable as I did, but he didn't say a word.

“Well, what does it matter?” Zac asked, his voice rising a bit in volume. “Of course I'm going to see her! How can you even say that?”

I didn't dare ask if the _her_ in question was me or Layla. I didn't want to know. The fact that Kate was even trying to make demands was ridiculous. They were separated and she _knew_ Layla was his daughter. I could understand being upset, but did she really have any right to keep him from seeing her? But of course, Zac was all too willing to jump back under her thumb. I could see it all over his face as he lowered the phone from his ear and covered the speaker.

“So, your wife told mine about our plans,” Zac said, practically spitting the words out at Tay.

Taylor threw his hands up. “Not my fault. I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret. Was there a gag order she should have signed that you forgot to tell me about?”

Zac growled and rolled his eyes. “Whatever, Tay. I don't need to argue with you right now, too. Can you let me out?”

The last part was directed at me, and I had no choice but to comply. He looked like he would climb right over me if I didn't step aside to let him out of the booth. His phone was back at his ear as he walked away, but his steps were too quick for me to keep eavesdropping on his conversation. I could see the tension in his shoulders as he vanished out the restaurant's doors, though, and I knew it wasn't a pleasant conversation.

I turned back to Taylor. “He's not coming back, is he?”

“I don't know,” Taylor replied. “Probably not. But he's not been all here for a while now.”


	42. Let Me Go

_Get me out,  
Get me in,  
I gave you everything I could give.  
You try to take,  
And you try to make, take all everything you can. _

Even though I felt my appetite fading away, I did my best to finish eating lunch with Taylor. We made small talk about Layla, my job, what I'd done since leaving the tour... we talked about anything and everything but the elephant in the room. The elephant who happened to be his little brother.

Just as Taylor had predicted, Zac didn't return to the restaurant at all. I hadn't expected him to, either. I knew he would be in New York for a few days more, unless he decided to catch an earlier flight home. If he did, though, he would likely still have to return to my apartment for his things. But I knew that now that Kate had him under her thumb again, he wouldn't be back for anything more than that.

Once again, he and I were over before we'd even begun.

I could still feel Taylor delaying, ordering more and more coffee just in case Zac did eventually find his way back, but finally we both had to accept that he wasn't going to. Taylor paid the entire check in spite of my protests, and walked me to the door. Once we were outside, he pulled me closer and gave me a one armed hug.

“I'm really sorry about today,” he said. “I knew Natalie felt like she would be... betraying her best friend, in a way, if she came with me. But I didn't expect her to tell the bitch.”

I shook my head. “Don't blame her. Don't even blame Kate. Zac could choose not to let her control his every move... but he won't.”

“Yeah, yeah... I know,” Taylor replied, nodding. With a slight smirk, he added, “You know, it's funny. I accused you of being the foolish one for getting so involved with him, and now he's the one falling apart and ruining his own life. I know he's hurting, but he's making things even worse.”

“But all he does is act like everyone has wronged him,” I said.

“He'll come to his senses... somehow,” Taylor replied.

I wasn't so certain, but I wanted to believe that Taylor was right. I gave him another hug and said goodbye, not knowing when I would see him again. If it was just going to cause drama with his wife and her best friend, I didn't think it would be a good idea to make any plans with him. I hated it, though.

_But if you go so easily,  
Go on, get out, set me free.  
But I will wait, and I will want, wait 'til the day you're back again. _

Even though I doubted there was any reason to, I hurried back to my apartment once I parted ways with Taylor. There was a voice at the back of my mind telling me I needed to be there in case Zac came back. It was only a tiny voice, nearly drowned out by the louder voice telling me that he would always go back to his wife in the end and I was stupid to ever expect him to choose me over her.

I was disappointed but unsurprised to find my apartment empty. The quiet was unnerving, but Layla soon filled it with her hungry cries. I wasn't so sure I was the kind of woman who could just whip them out and breastfeed in public, so I knew it was definitely time to give Layla her next meal. I settled into the couch with her, hating that I instinctively positioned myself by the door just in case Zac returned.

He didn't.

For hours and hours I sat with Layla and waited, but Zac did not return. I tried to think of anything else to talk to Layla about, not because I thought she could really understand it, but because I needed the distraction myself. I found myself intensely interested in some channel that played twenty four hour children’s shows. I ate a pathetic dinner of frozen chicken nuggets and French fries. All the while, I had my fingers metaphorically crossed that Zac would return soon.

It wasn't until I had washed and put away the dishes I dirtied cooking dinner than there finally came a knock at the door. I had no doubt at all that it was Zac, but it still surprised me to hear it. I rushed to answer it, and the sight made my heart drop to the floor.

His hair hung limply, a lot of it having fallen out of the ponytail he'd put it in that morning, and his eyes were red and watery. I could smell alcohol and cigarette smoke on him without even getting close or taking a deep breath. I didn't fully understand how he'd gone downhill so far in just a few hours. How could one phone call destroy him like that? What the hell sort of power did this woman have over him?

_Let me out,  
Let me in,  
I've giving up, not giving in.  
'Cause together we are not one, we are nothing.  
We're holding on, and on. _

“Zac,” I gasped out. “What the hell are you doing here... like this.”

“Like what?” He spat back, but his face looked completely blank, like he really didn't see the problem in showing up at my apartment shitfaced.

“In case you've forgotten, your baby daughter is here. And you are completely trashed. You stink. You're barely standing up. I'm not letting you near her like this.”

“She's a baby,” he said. “She won't know the difference.”

I gaped at him. “Are you fucking kidding me? It's not even about that. You're in no shape to be holding her, taking care of her... breathing your nasty cigarette breath on her. It's not happening, Zac.”

He sighed heavily. “Just let me come in. At least let me get my stuff.”

“Figures that's all you wanted,” I mumbled, stepping back to let him in. “I knew you were just going to run away again.”

“What the hell am I supposed to do?” He asked.

I followed him into my bedroom, watching as he began throwing his belongings into his backpack. “I don't know, Zac. Stand up to her! Grow some balls. Realize that you're not gaining anything by letting her push you around and dictate your every move.”

“And what, exactly, do you want me to do, then? Be with you?” He asked. “Thought you weren't ever going to ask that of me.”

“Did you hear me ask? You're the one who showed up here talking about our little family, sporting some damn tattoo that's clearly—”

Zac spun around and eyed me angrily. “It's for our daughter. Don't assume anything else.”

“Believe me, I'm never going to assume you have any real feelings for me,” I replied, rolling my eyes in spite of the fact that I wanted to cry.

_Together now, forever then.  
But go ahead, don't you let me in.  
But I will wait, and I will want.  
Wait 'til the day you're back again._

I watched in silence as Zac finished packing up his things. I was thankful that Layla had been tuckered out enough after her last meal that she slept through our argument. Of course Zac had to go and wake her up before he left. He crossed the room to her crib before I could stop him and took one of her tiny hands in his. I watched as her eyes fluttered open, and even though I knew she couldn't really recognize him yet, the way she looked up at him broke my heart.

“I'm sorry, baby,” he whispered, then leaned down and kissed her forehead. He turned to me then, tears pooling in his eyes. “And I'm sorry to you, too. I don't know... I don't know how to make any of this right, Colby.”

“I don't think going back to her is the way to do it,” I replied softly.

“Maybe not,” he replied with a shrug. “I'm just... I don't know what to do. Why can't I just fix this?”

“Maybe it can't be fixed.”

“Maybe not,” he replied, adjusting his backpack on his shoulders. “I don't know... and I don’t know when I'll be back.”

“Or if you'll be back,” I said. “I mean, you know if she has her way... you'll never come back here.”

Zac stepped in closer to me. “I wouldn't do that. I couldn't do that. I _won't_ let her keep me away from our baby.”

I refused to meet his sad eyes. “But you'll let her keep you away from me. Which is what you know this is really about. Layla's just collateral damage.”

He wrapped his arms tightly around me, practically knocking all the breath from my body, and rested his chin on top of my head. “I won't let her do that, either. You know I... can't stay away from you. I've tried.”

_Let me go.  
You know I'm not one for leaving.  
Let me go.  
You know that I'm nothing without your love, no.  
You know I'm nothing without your love, no.  
'Cause you know that I'm not one for leaving,  
No, I'm not one for leaving _

“Yeah, well, maybe not hard enough,” I mumbled against his chest.

Zac pulled back and stared at me for a moment. I knew what came next and I hated that I couldn't decide if I wanted it. Not like that. Not when his lips tasted like smoke and vodka. But even then I couldn't truly resist him. I let him kiss me, and I kissed him back with more passion than we'd kissed during this entire visit. Experience told me that it could be months before I saw him again, and I wanted this to last if it was going to be the last chance we had. I wanted this kiss, as alcohol-laced as it was, to be burned into his memory.

When he tried to convince himself he was happy with his wife, I wanted him to remember this moment.

Finally he pulled back, breathless, and stared at me for a moment more. I couldn't read his glassy eyes at all, but I wasn't brave enough to ask what he was thinking. After a moment he sighed and pulled back, letting his arms fall back to his sides.

“I'm sorry, Colbs,” he said.

“Yeah,” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest. “I'm sorry, too. And Layla's going to be sorry when she realizes you chose your other kids over her.”

It was a low blow and I knew it, but I was running out of patience. I was tired of acting like I had no right to want and need Zac in my life. I might not have been his wife, but I had a claim on him too. I knew I did. I could see it in the way he looked at me, even if he was refusing to admit it.

“That's not fair,” he said, his voice low.

I shrugged. “You think she's going to understand why Daddy's gone? She's just a baby. Maybe you're hoping she won't even remember you.”

“You know that's not true,” he said, stepping in closer to me again, looking like he was almost angry enough to hit me.

“I don't know, Zac! I don't understand you at all. You just want to play the victim and keep running back to the woman who makes you one. That's all I know.”

“That's not fair, either,” he replied, but I could see his anger fading and being replaced with resignation... and agreement. “I just... I need to go this time. But I will be back, Colby. I promise.”

“Didn't I tell you once not to promise me anything?” I asked.

“Yeah, well... that's a promise I can keep.”

“Just go,” I said. “Just _go_. Get out of my apartment.”

The words were harsher than I wanted to be when he looked so close to breaking, but it had to be. I couldn't let him make promises and convince me he really could and would stay. It didn't matter how he felt about me. His feelings for me clearly had no bearing on how he acted.

With a sad little nod, he turned and walked out of the room. I didn't follow him. Seconds later, the apartment door slammed shut. Right on cue, Layla began to cry.

_But I'll go on believing, hey, I'll go on believing.  
And I'm not one for leaving, no, I'm not for leaving,  
No, I'm not one for leaving, no, I'm not one for leaving.  
So let me go. _


	43. Served

It took three months for me to become bored with sitting at home all day. When she could, Avery babysat Layla so that I could go back to work, but some days I couldn't get around taking her to the store with me. Even though Joey claimed not to like kids, I could tell that he didn't mind having her around. It wasn't an ideal situation to have her strapped to my chest or laying around on a blanket behind the counter while I worked, but I didn't like the idea of wasting money on day care. Layla was a smart and laidback baby; everyone from the store's employees to most of the regular customers loved her.

“So, have you decided what you're going to dress the little lady up as for Halloween?” Tobias asked from his spot on the floor, where he was currently mimicking Layla's belly down position.

“No,” I replied. “I don't know, aren't all babies pumpkins for their first Halloween?”

Tobias mock gasped. “I know you're not implying your daughter is a conformist.”

“Never!” I replied, laughing. “How about a little baby zombie? That would be cute, right?”

Tobias agreed wholeheartedly. Before we could ponder any more costume possibilities, the bell above the door rang to announce a new customer. He was a little more buttoned-up and stuffy looking than our usual clientele, but I didn't think much of that. After all, Avery had stuck out like a sore thumb the first time I saw her, but she had turned out to be a great friend, minus that one little rough patch that was entirely my fault.

I called out to the guy and asked if he needed any help, but he assured me he was just looking. He took his sweet time wandering up and down the aisles, and by the time he made it to the register, he only had two vintage albums in his hands. They weren't anything special, so I didn't know why it had taken him so long to pick them out.

“Can I help you with anything else?” I asked as I rang up his purchases.

“Oh, just one thing, Colby,” he said, reading my nametag. He smiled and held out a large, legal size envelope. “You can take this.”

I blinked at him but accepted the envelope anyway. After Asher's attempt at flirting via slipping his phone number in between albums, I wouldn't really put any strangeness past Sit and Spin's customers. The guy was still all smiles as he paid for his vinyl and left.

Once he was gone, I flipped the envelope over and felt sick when I saw a governmental seal on it. Surely there wasn't some legal crap going on with my parents' estate? I thought all of that had been settled years ago. I tore into the envelope, dreading what it might hold.

One name on the page immediately stuck out like an awful, shining beacon.

_Zachary Walker Hanson._

The rest of the document's words swirled around on the page and didn't make a lot of sense to me, but eventually I got the gist of it. He was suing me. Suing me to have his name added to Layla's birth certificate and be on record as her legal father.

“That bastard,” I gasped out, staring down at the papers in disbelief.

“Not in front of the baby!” Tobias scolded.

“The bastard's her father,” I replied. “She'll find out for herself soon enough.”

Tobias stood up and walked over to look over my shoulder at what had me so upset. He rested his head against my shoulder, mumbling softly to himself as he read a few lines. After a moment, he gave a low whistle. “Well... damn. I didn't think he would do _that_.”

“What is he even trying to do?” I asked. “I mean, is he going to take her from me? Is that what this is all about? And I wonder what his wife has to say about this. Knowing him, it's probably all her idea anyway.”

“Why would it be her idea?”

“I don't know!” I yelled. “I just know he's a fucking bastard who hasn't even seen her for three months. He wants his name on record as Layla's father, but he wouldn't even recognize her if he saw her now. She'll be walking and talking by the next time he bothers to come see her!”

Tobias shook the papers I held. “Not according to this. He'll be here in just a few weeks to take you to court.”

“Yeah, to take _me_ to court,” I said. “But I'll be damned if he's going to see her until they order me to let him.”

Tobias knew better than to argue with me further when I was that angry. I remained absolutely fuming for the rest of the day, and even after I finally made it back to my apartment, I still found myself pacing angrily, reading the papers over and over. Once I'd fed Layla and put her down for a nap, I called Avery.

“Hello?”

“Your fucking brother,” I growled.

“Which one and what did he do now?” Avery replied.

“The one who's suing me. And, did I mention, he's fucking suing me.”

“He's what?!” Avery screeched. “He's only been back in Tulsa for like two weeks.”

“I'm sure he's got a damn good lawyer,” I replied. “And yes, he's taking me to court. Wants me to put his name on Layla's birth certificate, have himself legally recognized as her father and god knows what else.”

“I love it when no one in the family feels the need to tell me anything. Just because I'm here and most of them are in Oklahoma.”

I didn't bother pointing out that that was really the least of my problems right then. “Yeah, and that's another thing! What is he even going to do? What's his plan? Is he going to try to get custody and take her back to Oklahoma?”

“Well, I doubt that,” Avery replied.

I stopped pacing. “What's that mean?”

“Well, you... you know Taylor and Natalie closed on a house, right? I mean, it was still up in the air when they left for the Australian tour, but it's a done deal now.”

“A house... in New York?”

“Yes…” Avery replied slowly.

“And let me guess, a certain pothead brother of yours will be crashing on their couch even after it’s relocated to the east coast?”

“It... seems that way.”

I collapsed onto the couch. “Oh, fuck me.”

“No offense, but Zac beat me to it, and we see how well that worked out,” Avery replied.

“Yeah, well, he's fucking me over now,” I said. “Is he really going to try to take her away? What about Kate and their kids?”

Avery sighed. “For now, they're staying in Oklahoma. They're still not divorced, but...”

“So he's going to abandon them but take Layla?” I asked.

“No one said he's taking Layla,” Avery replied with what I could tell was forced calmness, her tone calculated to be as soothing as possible. “Does it say anywhere on the papers you got that he's suing for custody? Even partial custody?”

“Well, no, but he can't very well do that before he's legally her father, can he? Surely that's his next step. I don't understand what else his endgame is here.”

“To be her father,” Avery answered softly. “I think he just wants to show you that he really does want to be there for her. What's a better first step than putting it in writing and making it legal?”

I didn't have an answer for that. It was too damn logical, and I hated her for it. Of course Avery could be objective and see things from both sides... or at least from Zac's reasonable side, if he had one. I wasn't so convinced.

“Is that really so bad?” She asked.

“I don't know,” I replied. “Coming from Zac, probably. Especially when he's still married. I just don't trust him, Ave. He's never given me a reason to, and I'm not going to start now. This doesn't feel like some gesture of goodwill to me. It feels like spite and malice.”

“Maybe you should wait and talk to him about it. See what he says.”

I shook my head, even though she couldn't see me. “Not without my lawyer present.”

“You're being ridiculous,” she said. “He just wants to be sure he can see his daughter. That's all.”

“You don't know that! I'm sorry, Ave, but you don't see the sides of him that I see.”

She sighed. “Maybe I don't. But I just don't see the harm in letting him see her. If it turns out there's more behind this suit than that, it'll come out in court. You'll find out and you'll deal with it then.”

“Look, I'm not saying I'm an expert just because my dad was a lawyer. And I hate playing both the lawyer card _and_ the dead card, but it’s true that he was a lawyer. So I'm sure I can get one of the guys at his old firm to help me out with this, because I know Zac—and more importantly his wife—isn't going to make this easy. Declaring himself the father could just be the first step toward god knows what.”

“But you don't _know_ that,” Avery insisted.

“Well, I'm not taking any chances,” I replied. “If I give Zac an inch, he takes a goddamn mile.”

Avery sighed. “You know, he's not the only person not making this easy.”

“Yeah, whatever,” I replied. “Look, I'm going to go before Layla wakes up from her nap. I just... well, I guess I wanted to let you know what your brother was doing.”

“It's funny how when he pisses you off he's my brother. What's he to you the rest of the time?”

“Mostly?” I asked. “Nothing.”

“Yeah,” Avery replied. “You mean aside from the father of your child?”

“Not on paper... yet.”

Although our words were a little biting, I knew my anger with her would pass soon. I was really just angry at Zac and taking it out on her. It wasn't fair, but I didn't know how to stop myself without just ending the conversation. As civilly as we could, we said goodbye to each other and hung up, and I let out a long, heavy sigh.

Why couldn't I just be rid of Zac? Why did he have to keep coming back to haunt me?

As if to answer me, Layla began to cry. I pulled myself off the couch and rushed into my bedroom to see what she needed. It wasn't a dirty diaper, and she had eaten not long before. I supposed she just wanted to commiserate. To remind me that as long as she was here, I could never really be rid of Zac... a point that would only be driven home once he was legally her father.


	44. Out of Tears

I had less than a month to prepare for the court date. The way I felt, I didn't think even a year would be long enough to prepare me for it. Even though I had spent plenty of time on the phone and even visiting in person with one of the other lawyers at dad's firm, who I'd always referred to as Uncle Todd, it was all just too much for me to process.

The month flew by, of course, that big red date on my calendar drawing closer and closer until I woke up and somehow it was the very next day. I had taken the entire week off work because I was overwhelmed and had fallen back into the routine of being a hermit like I'd been just after Layla was born. I knew Zac, Taylor and Natalie were in New York, so I didn't even feel comfortable going to see Avery or letting her come visit. She understood, I thought, but I knew she hated being in the middle of this thing between me and Zac.

Because I was such a hermit, it surprised me to hear a knock on my apartment door not long after I'd put Layla down for her post-lunch nap. Everyone I knew was either at work or in class, so I had absolutely no idea who it could have been... except perhaps Zac. As I scurried to answer their insistent knock, I hoped I was wrong about that.

As I swung the door open, I saw that I was. The reality was even worse than that. It was Kate.

“How did you... why... what...?” I gasped out, finding myself incapable of being coherent.

“I'm not stupid,” she replied. “And I came to New York to help my best friend move, of course. And say goodbye to her.”

“You're not here with Zac?”

Kate scoffed. “Please. I'm here, as in here at your apartment, _for_ him. But no, I didn't come here with him. I'm sure he would have preferred if I'd stayed away from him entirely.”

“Then why...?” I hated sounding so stupid when I spoke to her, but I didn't understand her presence here at all, and even all the words she was saying didn't clarify anything.

“I'm here,” she said slowly as though she were talking to an idiot, “because of this moronic court case.”

“Okay...” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest. There was no way I was letting her into my apartment or near my daughter, I decided.

Kate stared me down. “If you let him go through with this, you'll be ruining his life. It's only a matter of time before his fans find out about your little lovechild. Do you _really_ want to drag his name through the mud like that?”

“He's the one taking it to court,” I said. “If it gets out, it's his fault, not mine.”

“Is it his fault you spread your legs for him?”

“That's not... I didn't say that,” I stuttered out. “Believe me, I'm aware that it took both of us to... to make Layla.”

“And ruin his marriage, his family and his entire life,” she added.

I shook my head. “No. No, what happens between the two of you is just that. Between the two of you. I can't help my feelings, but Zac was there, too. Zac made his own choices.”

“He did,” Kate replied, nodding. “And the one he's making now is the stupidest of all. If you care about him at all, you'll find some way to stop this. I don't care how you do it. But if you don't want to ruin his life any more, then you'll keep this baby out of it.”

I stared at her for a moment, trying to judge whether or not I really thought she was being that selfless and thinking only of Zac. Somehow, I just didn't buy it. “And then what? Then he goes back to you now that there isn't that annoying little bastard child problem to deal with?”

“Listen,” Kate hissed, leaning down. “You'll do what I say. Don't you see what you're doing, letting him think he can play house with you? He can't. It won't work.”

“Why not?” I asked stubbornly, even though I wasn't sure that was what I even wanted from him.

Kate smirked and crossed her arms over her chest. “What makes you think he won't do to you what he did to me?”

“What, love me in spite of all the evidence that he shouldn't?” I blurted out, not even thinking about what I had said.

Once the words left my mouth, I knew they were true. If I'd had any doubt, it vanished the second I saw Kate's face fall. She knew it, too. She knew she'd lost her husband and this was her last effort to win him back.

Kate shook her head and tried to compose herself. “It's so cute how you think you know my husband better than I do. And even if we are separated right now, that's still what he is. Mine. I'll be the one picking up the pieces after this court crap, and when that happens, I can promise, I will make your life and your little bastard child's life hell.”

She stormed off then before I could say anything in reply. I didn't have any words for her, anyway. I had no doubt she would do exactly what she promised. Just what that would entail, I couldn't even begin to imagine. 

While I was still reeling from what Kate had said and her reaction to my thoughtless words that I wasn’t totally sure I believed, I heard my phone begin to ring from my bedroom. I scurried off to answer it, glancing in Layla’s crib to make sure she was still napping before finally finding my phone in the folds of my comforter.

“Hello?” I said.

“Colby,” Avery said. She sounded calm, but like she was purposely trying to sound calm. “Are you sitting down?”

“Are you ridiculously cliché? Who actually says that, Ave? Whatever it is, it can’t possibly be worse than what just happened.”

“Oh, it can be,” she replied. “Trust me. So yes, you need to sit down or hold onto something or _something_.”

“Just spit it out.”

“You’re on TMZ.”

My vision actually faded out for a second, and I grasped the side of Layla’s crib to steady myself. “I’m sorry, I’m _what_? It sounded like you said I was on TMZ, and that can’t possibly be true. Famous people are on TMZ. Not me.”

“Famous people and their baby mamas,” Avery said. “Look, I don’t know how it happened, although I could guess, but someone at TMZ has a copy of your summons. They’re talking about the case. They haven’t said you’re due in court tomorrow, so you _should_ be safe, but—“

“ _Safe_? I should be _safe_?! What the hell, Avery!”

“I don’t mean it like that,” she replied, sighing softly. “It’s just, you know, fans could show up. And you know they’ll twist this around to make you seem like the bad guy.”

“Everybody does,” I said, not bothering to mention that Avery herself had done just that a few months ago. It seemed like years ago, and it really didn’t matter anymore.

Avery sighed again. “Anyway, I just thought you needed to know. You need to be prepared. This is the kind of thing that happens when you’re part of Zac’s world, you know. I know you’ve dealt with the fans before, but this is… this is really different. And I’m not scolding you or anything, I just wanted to give you some time to deal with this.”

“How, exactly, does one deal with shit like this?” I asked.

“If you’re a Hanson, usually with alcohol.”

I didn’t bother pointing out to Avery that I was pretty sure alcohol was part of what got us into this situation in the first place. Instead, I just thanked her for telling me, hung up the phone, then collapsed onto my bed. I wanted to cry. I felt like crying. But the tears wouldn’t come. I simply lay there staring at the ceiling and listened to Layla babbling in her sleep. After a year in this hell, I supposed I was out of tears.

****

The next day, I woke up with that awful nausea in the pit of my stomach that had caused me to nearly back out of so many important performances over the years. But I couldn't back out of this. I couldn't just not show up in court. I forced myself into the shower, dressed in one of the ridiculous suits I'd had to wear for those performances—luckily it was from an upward weight fluctuation—and took Layla over to Tobias' apartment to spend the day with him.

Then there was no reason to delay. I had to go to court.

I had imagined myself walking in to a sea of judgmental Hansons—or worse, their fans–staring at me, but I didn't. It was only Zac, pacing the corridor and smelling like cigarette smoke. Even before I got within a yard of him, I could smell it. He gave me a weak smile that I couldn't return.

“Colby... I'm so sorry I had to do it this way,” he said.

I stopped in my tracks. “What do you mean?”

Zac tilted his head to the side, looking slightly confused. “I... well, this was the only legal way, since I wasn't at the hospital. I know it's a big hassle, but it's really just the paperwork.”

“It's not just paperwork, Zac,” I replied. “It's lawyers and court fees and all kinds of legal... stuff.”

“But it's good, isn't it?” He asked. “It's a good thing. I want Layla to know I'm there for her. This is like... a symbol, I guess. A way for me to give her, and you, my word.”

“Yeah,” I choked out. “It's good.”

I couldn't tell him. I couldn't tell him I was going to reject his demands. I couldn't dash his hopes when he seemed so positive that this could work. How could he be so clueless? I didn't understand it, but I knew that I couldn't put a stop to it and break his heart.

Uncle Todd, better known as Todd McClaren, Attorney at Law, knew my plan to deny Zac was the father. He had assured me it only would buy me time, but it was my only option other than acquiescing to Zac's wishes. I couldn't very well prove that he was an unfit father. All I could do was hope to buy myself time to convince him to give up this suit.

I let Uncle Todd do the talking for me, as though that would somehow lessen the blow. I could still feel, without even daring to look his way, Zac's shock and hurt when I was forced to say that I wasn't positive he was the father. That much I had to say myself, since the judge addressed that question directly to me. I didn't dare look Zac's way for the rest of the time we were in the courtroom.

Since I wasn't the one trying to make a deadbeat father pay up, the judge really wasn't concerned with who I thought _might_ be the father. I hated lying like that, even if it wasn’t under oath, but Uncle Todd said it was a viable delaying tactic. To create doubt. Besides, it was my only option besides just rolling over and letting Zac's estranged wife ruin our lives.

Once the judge had ordered a paternity test and set a date for us to discuss the results, there was nothing else left to say or do. That was it. My first day in court, however painful, was over.

I tried to rush out of the courtroom, but Zac caught me by the arm before I could make it out the door and onto the huge steps leading down to the street.

“What the _fuck_ was that?!” He screeched.

I shrugged myself out of his grasp. “Saving both our asses.”

“From what?” He asked. “Don't you want me to be there for Layla? I thought... I thought that was what you wanted. For me to keep a promise. And I intend to.”

“It won't work, Zac,” I replied. “You can't... I mean, hell, you're still married. You really think you can be a father in the way she needs?”

“I can still provide for her,” he said. “I'm not some deadbeat, as much as you and Kate like to treat me like one.”

I rolled my eyes angrily. “Layla and I don't need your damn money, Zac. If I cared about that, I probably wouldn't have tried to keep her a secret in the first place. In case you've forgotten, my parents weren't exactly poor. They left me plenty of money, not to mention what the life insurance paid out. I'm not some fucking charity case.”

Zac backed away from me a little. “I didn't... I didn't say you were.”

“Well, you're damn sure implying it.”

“Why do you suddenly think it's such an awful thing for me to be here? For me to be in her life? What changed?” He asked, his lip quivering like he might actually cry.

I couldn't tell him the truth. If I did, I knew he would only run off to his wife and say or do something stupid. So I just shook my head and said, “You know I always thought it was a bad idea. That would be why _I never wanted you to know_. It would be better for all of us if you just forgot that you ever knew Layla existed and was yours.”

That was the wrong thing to say, and I knew it as soon as the words left my mouth. Zac stepped closer to me again, the look on his face changing.

“She got to you, didn't she?” He asked. “I knew that bitch had ulterior motives for coming to New York. What did she say, Colbs?”

I shook my head weakly. “N-nothing... just... just that I should keep Layla away from you. That it would be better for all of us if I did, and she had a point, Zac. You cheated. Layla's proof of that. Do you really want the world to know that? Oh, but wait–they already do. You know this shit leaked to TMZ, right? We’re not your dirty secret anymore.”

“I don't care,” he replied with such casualness that I knew he wasn't lying. “So I did a bad thing. But Layla came of it, and she isn't a bad thing at all. I don't regret it.”

“You probably should,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

“Too bad.” He shrugged again. “So what are you going to do when the results come back and I'm the father?”

“Are you so sure that you are?” I shot back almost teasingly.

His eyes flashed with anger for a second, then he smirked. “Layla's my baby. I know she is.”

I nodded. “Yeah... I was kind of hoping I could talk you into just dropping this whole thing before it came to that.”

“I'm not dropping it. I'm not dropping her... and I'm not dropping you.”

I let him press a soft kiss to my forehead then and didn't ask him what he meant when he said he wasn't dropping me. I had a feeling I already knew.


	45. Love and Hate

A few days later, I took Layla to the appointment that the court had set up for us. I felt strangely dirty taking her there, even though the office was sterile and set up as though it were any other doctor's office. It wasn't really, though, and I imagined most of the women who brought their babies in to be swabbed for DNA there weren't as privileged as I was.

And yet somehow Zac still managed to make me feel like some charity case.

I knew he didn't mean to, but it was how I felt. He had texted, though I never replied, and assured me he was just trying to do the right thing for his daughter… for both of us. No matter how many times he said it, it still didn't sit right with me.

“Colby Green,” a nurse said, peeking her head out the door into the waiting room.

At least she didn't call Layla's name, I thought to myself, as I made my way across the room and followed the nurse. The rest of the office was more sterile and like a science lab than a cozy doctor's office. It was nothing like the pediatrician’s office I'd taken Layla to the week before, full of toys and bright colors.

The entire thing was over in a matter of minutes with just one quick swab to the inside of Layla's cheek. I was thankful she was still too young to understand what was happening, even if it hadn't been painful. I had no clue what the future held or how I would ever explain any of this to her, but right then, I couldn't think about that. All I could worry about was getting through each day... and through this insane court room drama, the details of which were still fodder for the gossip rags.

I didn't go back to work after the appointment. Layla was still feeling a little unwell, I could tell; her pediatrician visit had shown a slight ear infection but an otherwise healthy almost five month old baby. With her under the weather, I didn't feel comfortable taking her to work or letting someone watch her. Besides, who did I have but Tobias, who wasn't exactly a babysitter, and Avery, who was effectively on the wrong side of the war? If I took her to Avery's, there was a chance that she would come into contact with Zac. I hated that I felt like I needed to keep her away from him, but I did, especially with his wife still hovering around, at least metaphorically. She had gone back to Tulsa, but even a million miles away she would have still been too close for comfort. In any case, I didn't trust Zac himself, either, so once again I became a hermit, shutting myself and Layla up in the apartment.

Once we were safely home after a long bus ride during which she was more than a little fussy, I gave her a bottle and the medicine the doctor had prescribed for her ear infection, then put her down to nap. I'd only just settled in to watch some boring daytime television when my phone started buzzing and alerting me to even more texts from Zac.

_Layla got swabbed today, right? How did it go? I go Thursday_

It was a harmless message, but my blood still ran a little colder as I read it.

_Yes. It went fine._

My reply was short and terse, but I didn't care. How would it look if I were cooperating with him after I'd told the court he might not even be her father? It wasn't as though I was on trial, but it felt that way.

_Are u sure everything is ok? Do u need anything?_

I wasn’t sure what I needed, but what I wanted was to throw my phone at the wall. I took a deep breath and typed back:

_No, we're fine. I told you we don't need your help._

I had hoped that would be the end of the conversation, but I should have known it wouldn’t be. Only about a minute later, my phone buzzed again. 

_Just let me come over so we can talk. We need to talk, Colbs. About this whole mess._

I tended to disagree. I didn't think there was anything we could say to each other that would change the situation, but I knew Zac wouldn't take no for an answer. I sent back a quick text that simply said _fine_ , and steeled myself for his arrival.

Taylor and Natalie's house must not have been far from my apartment, because it was only a matter of minutes before Zac knocked on the door. Just the sound of him knocking made me nervous because it reminded me of Kate's unexpected visit. This visit with Zac had the potential to be just as bad, I knew, and I almost didn't want to answer the door.

But I did.

When I swung open the door, I saw Zac standing there bundled up in his leather jacket and a scarf. He looked like he was freezing, even though I didn't think it was that cold for mid-November. I supposed he didn't remember how cold New York could get in the winter and hadn’t readjusted to it yet.

“Can I come in?” He asked sheepishly.

I nodded and stepped back to let him in. I had no clue what to say to him at all, especially when he was being so nice... at least for the moment. Sometimes I wondered if there weren't three or four different Zacs running around, all intent on making my life as difficult as possible, and some far, far nicer about it than others.

He stood in the middle of the living room, awkwardly unwrapping his scarf. “Umm, how's Layla? Did the appointment go well?”

“Yeah,” I replied with a nod. “I mean, she's okay. She's had an ear infection for a few days. First time she's ever been really sick. She's napping right now, though.”

“Which means I can't see her,” he said.

“I didn't say that.”

“But you meant it,” Zac replied. “You obviously don't want me to ever see her, if you're going to such as ridiculous lengths as saying I’m not her father. I mean, you _lied_ in court, Colby.”

I refused to meet his eyes. “It wasn't under oath, and all I said was that I wasn't sure.”

“Did you really get with that little asshole that soon after you left me?” Zac asked, his accusing tone making me back away from him.

“No,” I said. “And I didn't _leave_ you, Zac. That would imply we were together in the first place, and you know we weren't. Not really. We were just playing, just pretending to be something we couldn't be, not while you were still married.”

He sighed. “Well, I don't plan to be for much longer.”

“What?”

“Married,” he replied. “I sent her back to Tulsa after I found out what she said to you. I don't care what she threatens. It's not right. Layla is just as much my child as Shep, Junia and Abe. I shouldn't have to choose between them.”

“It's not about the kids, Zac. She wants you to choose between me and her.”

Zac took a few steps closer to me, his face softening. “Who do you think I've chosen? Isn't it obvious?”

I shied away from his touch at first, but he was insistent--gentle, but insistent. His hands on my arms told me everything I needed to know, as though that tattoo staring me in the face hadn't said it all the last time I'd see him. He'd finally found something—aside from music, aside from his kids—worth branding himself for.

Me.

“Zac, I... you can't choose me,” I said softly, but I barely even believed my own words. Wasn't I supposed to resist this, though? Couldn't Zac see that a relationship between us wouldn't work, no matter how we both felt?

“Please, Colby...” he replied, the sentence trailing off as he leaned down and kissed me. Maybe that _was_ the rest of the sentence.

As we kissed, I could hear Layla beginning to stir over the baby monitor that sat on the coffee table. It was hardly necessary in such a small apartment, but it had been yet another of Aunt Susanna's gifts that I felt guilty for not using. As our kiss deepened, Layla began to gurgle and whimper even louder, as though she too were objecting to Zac and I being together.

When Zac finally pulled away to catch his breath, I realized that Layla was crying. He chuckled softly. “She's going to be a singer someday, with lungs like that.”

“Probably,” I replied, smirking a little. “She comes by it naturally.”

Zac chuckled more, but then his face turned a bit quizzical. Layla's cries were becoming more and more distressed. I realized it didn't sound like her usual post-nap cries when she simply wanted me to know that she was awake. It didn't sound like a hungry or wet diaper cry, either. This was something different entirely, and I felt my stomach drop to the floor as I rushed off to the bedroom to see what was causing her distress.

When I reached Layla's crib, I gasped in horror. The cause of her distressed cries was obvious—her little body was swollen and blotchy. Her cries were growing more and more strangled, and I couldn't tell if it was because of the sheer exertion or if she were actually having trouble breathing.

“Oh god,” I gasped out, carefully lifting her up into my arms. “This is one of those times when I really, really wish you could tell me what was wrong.”

Of course, Layla couldn't answer me back. I rubbed her back gently, but it did nothing to soothe her. I spun around, realizing Zac had followed me and stood by the door. “Is she okay?”

“Doe she look okay?” I screeched. “Something's wrong with our baby... look at her!”

Zac took a few steps closer and brushed back her hair from her forehead. “I see, I see.”

“God, I don't know what's… what's...” I trailed off, dissolving into tears of my own. Thus far, I'd felt like a good mother, but all it took was one bad illness to make me doubt whether or not I could do this.

“Listen, you're lucky I drove over here,” Zac said. “My truck's parked just down the street. Get her bundled up, okay? We've got to get her to the hospital.”

He was so calm and collected, and it only pissed me off even more. “Obviously we do! How can you be so calm about it?”

“You said she had an ear infection, right?” Zac asked, picking up her diaper bag from the floor when it seemed obvious that I was still panicking too much to be useful.

I nodded. “Yeah, for a few days now... I thought it was getting better...”

“And it's getting better because she's been taking Amoxil, I bet.”

I nodded again, finally snapping back to reality and digging one of her little coats out of the dresser.

“Well, if I'm right,” Zac said, “she's having an allergic reaction to it. Shepherd's allergic, too, and I remember it giving him hives all over just like that.”

“Can't you... I mean, haven't people died from that kind of allergy?” I asked, struggling to help Zac put Layla's arms into the sleeves of her coat.

Zac touched my shoulder softly. “She'll be fine, but only if we get her to the hospital right away, okay? The one Ike was in that one time is near here, and they’re really good. She'll be fine. You'll be fine.”

I didn't entirely believe him, but I couldn't see that I had much choice. He was the experienced one with kids. He knew what he was doing. I had no clue. I tried not to let my awe show as I watched Zac zip around my apartment, packing Layla's things up and fastening her into her carrier as though he'd been here for months and knew his way around.

I both hated and loved him for it, but I knew that right then, I had no one else to depend on. I dried my tears the best that I could and followed Zac out of the apartment, hoping and praying that Layla would be okay. I didn't know what I would do if she wasn't. I couldn't even think about that possibility.


	46. Paperwork

In only a matter of minutes, I was sitting in a hospital waiting room. With Zac's help, I had managed to fill out the paperwork while the emergency room, thankfully, went ahead and took Layla back to give her the shot she needed to counteract the allergy.

Zac was right, it seemed.

I wanted to be so angry with him, but I couldn't be. If he hadn't been through this before and thus been able to be so calm, I would have panicked even more. I wouldn't have been able to calm myself down enough to focus on all the endless paperwork the hospital required. I would have been a sobbing mess on the floor, convinced that my baby was going to die because of my own incompetence... and she might have, if Zac hadn't been there.

Not long after Zac had taken the paperwork back up to the desk for me, a doctor came out and walked over to us.

“You're Layla's parents?” The doctor, whose nametag read Dr. Armstrong, said.

I glanced at Zac quickly, then nodded. “Yes... we are.”

“She's doing great,” he said. “It appears to have been a penicillin—or amoxicillin—allergy, like you thought. We just gave her an epinephrine shot, and we're monitoring her now, but everything seems fine. We're going to keep an eye on her for a while, but at most, she'll just need some Benadryl to get her back to one hundred percent. And of course, we're going to give her a prescription for an antibiotic that's not in the penicillin family so we can get that ear infection cleared up.”

“But she's going to be okay?” I asked.

The doctor smiled and nodded. “She's a tough little girl, and you guys got her here quickly. I know it's scary, but we were able to treat her quickly enough that there's nothing for you to worry about now.”

I let out a long sigh, then asked, “C-can I see her now?”

“Of course,” he said. “Follow me.”

I stood up to follow the doctor, and Zac didn't miss a beat. With his hand on my back, he followed right along beside me. I wasn't sure that he was strictly allowed to do that, legally, but I didn't have it in me to stop him. If he hadn't been here, Layla might not be either. In light of that, I couldn't keep him from seeing her.

Dr. Armstrong led us back to a tiny, baby-sized hospital room where Layla lay in a crib with a few little wires and tubes connecting her to various machines. It was more than a little disconcerting to see, but I knew I should have expected it. Still, Zac had to practically push me into the room.

“Hey, baby,” he said, nudging me toward Layla's crib and reaching out to grip her little hand. “See, Colbs? She's just fine.”

I nodded, but I wasn't entirely convinced. Zac lifted her little hand and made her wave at me, and I rolled my eyes, trying not to laugh or smile.

“She just wasn't getting enough attention, that's all,” he said. “Now she's got all kinds of doctors and nurses paying her the attention she deserves, so she'll be just fine.”

“Are you implying that our daughter is an attention whore?” I asked, smirking a little. “I can guess who she got _that_ from.”

“Her Uncle Taylor,” Zac replied.

I laughed loudly. “It really isn't nice to joke about him... when he isn't here to get offended by it.”

“I'll tell him all about it later,” Zac said, then straightened up and put his arm around me again. “You know, they really weren't supposed to let me in here. You're not going to tell on me, are you?”

“No, I'm not.” I shook my head.

“Good,” he said, his face going more serious. “This is why I'm doing this, Colbs. I mean, we're probably breaking all kinds of laws right now, with me back here and filling out that paperwork for you... what if we didn't get so lucky? There are so many reasons why we just need to make it legal, just in case. I'm not trying to take her away or tell you how to raise her or anything. I'm not, Colbs.”

Hesitantly, I nodded. “I know you're not.”

“Then why are you fighting it?”

Right then, I didn't have an answer for him. All I had was the rumbling of my stomach and the realization that in all of this excitement, we'd missed dinner. Since Layla was resting peacefully, I decided it was okay to leave her for the amount of time it would take us to find the hospital's cafeteria and have a quick meal.

We used that time to catch up. He told me all about touring the world, and it made me long to be back on the road. I'd blown my first chance at it, I knew. Now that I had Layla, I supposed I wouldn't get another chance. Somehow, it was too late for me. When Zac finished his story, I told him everything he'd missed in Layla's life, all the big and little milestones that had happened in his absence. In the past, I would have been bitter that he hadn't been around but right then I just didn't have the energy to be mad at him.

Once we were finished eating, we walked back up to the floor where Layla was. I didn't even object when Zac reached for my hand. Something about the way he held my hand was comforting and reassuring. I didn't want to put too much thought into what it or any of this meant for our relationship.

As we rounded the corner toward Layla's room, Dr. Armstrong appeared. He gave us a smile and said, “Oh, I'm glad I ran into you. I was just checking on your daughter, and I think she's good to go. Just keep an eye on her and bring her back if it flares back up, but it really shouldn't. She'll need another dose of Benadryl soon, and you can pick up her new antibiotics down in the pharmacy.”

“That's great,” Zac replied, then steered me toward Layla's room. “Come on, let's go home.”

There was a nurse in the room getting Layla ready to go. Zac took a few long strides across the room and plucked her out of the nurse's arms. It was almost disgustingly cute to see the two of them light up when they were reunited, but I couldn't deny it. Layla was still just a little too young to really remember him or understand who he was, and yet...

“Dada!”

Zac's eyes widened. “Did she just...?”

“Yup,” I replied, feeling a little like I needed to sit down. “Her first word.”

Zac just stared at me, his mouth hanging open in something that almost resembled a smile.

“She's your first, isn't she?” The nurse asked.

“No, it's just... I...” Zac began, trailing off into an awkward laugh and turning back to me. “She called me Dada, Colbs. You heard it.”

I nodded weakly. I couldn't deny it, and in that moment, I knew what I had to do when we went back to court.

****

After we got Layla home from the hospital, Zac decided to stay for the rest of the day just to be sure she was fine. She was, of course, and late the next afternoon Zac finally made his way back to his house. _His house_. It wasn't really his, but it was still strange enough to know he was living here and not temporarily staying in a hotel. I knew this still wasn't a permanent arrangement, but the fact that it wasn't changing by the second made me feel better about the decision I'd made about court.

Over the next week, he made a point to pop in and visit as much as possible, even though he was still busy unpacking and moving. I wouldn't admit how much I appreciated it, but I was reasonably certain he knew. Zac's ego really didn't need the boost it would get if I told him how much Layla and I enjoyed seeing him.

A week and two days later, we were back in court. It came as no surprise to anyone that the paternity test showed that Zac was, in fact, Layla's father. That part of the whole court affair was exactly as expected.

What I didn't expect was how distant and unattached Zac seemed. He'd spoken for himself a few times before but this time, he only spoke through his lawyer. Through that other man's pair of lips, Zac said that he would be willing to let the entire thing go once his name was on the birth certificate and Layla's name was legally changed to Layla Juliette Hanson. Those were, his lawyer said, Zac's only demands.

I didn't understand. He'd come to visit so much... he'd even practically admitted to loving me. I thought he wanted to be with me. Was he going back on that now? Or was he simply deciding to allow me to decide when he visited her? I didn't understand. None of it seemed in keeping with what he'd said before and it went completely against what I now thought was right for us.

Sensing that I was unprepared for all of this, I suppose, the judge decided that we would make a decision about Layla's legal name and all other details of custody and child support at a later date, after Thanksgiving. I was thankful, at least, to have time to think about all of that... and to perhaps get an answer out of Zac about just what had changed his mind.

I waited in the hallway for him, standing right across from the huge courtroom doors where I knew he wouldn't be able to ignore me. When he walked out, he stopped in his tracks and I could practically see him arguing with himself about whether to stop and talk to me. He looked like the Zac I used to know. The Zac I hadn't trusted. The Zac I had fallen for.

“Colby, I...” He stuttered out.

“Why?” I asked. “Why are you wimping out now? I mean, I shouldn't be surprised, but you really had convinced me you had changed this time.”

He took a few steps closer to me, his shoulders still slumped in defeat. “It's just, I... I don't know if I can stay here, Colby. It's Thanksgiving next week, and I won't get to see my other kids. I've never... we've always made a point of being home for the holidays, and I don't like this. I don't know if I can do it.”

“So you're going right back to Tulsa,” I said, adding a little softer, “right back to her.”

“I don't know,” he repeated. “I just need some time to think. To figure out how I can give all four of my babies a father. I've been so consumed with being there for Layla that I _know_ I've neglected the others. Hell, I moved halfway across the country without them. Maybe I'm not a good father.”

“Maybe you're not trying hard enough.”

He shrugged. “Well, I'm trying. And I'm giving you want you wanted, aren't I? I'm not taking her from you, I'm not demanding that you let me see her... but I _will_ see her. I'm not leaving, I just need to try to... I don't know, figure out some way to balance my life a little better. If that means I go back and forth between here and Tulsa, or... or... I don't know. I just know I need to do… something.”

I held my hand up to stop him from rambling. “Just let me know when you figure it out, then.”

I hurried away before he could say anything else. When he didn't even know what he was saying, he didn't deserve to have the last word. I didn't understand what had happened to him, but he'd fallen apart again and turned back into the mixed up, confused, untrustworthy boy I'd known before.

The life I'd seen myself building with him... it had vanished. I didn't see a future with the broken down boy I'd just walked away from.


	47. Ink

With the court stuff on hold until after Thanksgiving, I decided to go spend the holiday with Aunt Susanna and Uncle Max. I couldn’t bear to be in New York right then, with the possibility of seeing Zac or some of his family. I was fairly certain Zac himself had gone back to Tulsa to be with his other kids, but I still felt the same. That made it even worse, really. If I left New York, I could at least pretend that was the reason we weren’t spending the holiday together instead of the truth. The truth was far, far less pleasant.

It was hard not to feel out of place as the only girl at the party with a bastard child. There was no good way to explain to everyone just where the father of my baby was, but most of them had the tact not to ask. The rest of them had no doubt seen the gossip; few of those tacky sites were above mentioning me by name, and they had managed to dig up quite a bit of information about me. Whenever I walked into a room, it seemed like my own family had to rush to stop gossiping about me, too. 

I hated it.

I had brought it all on myself, though, and I knew that. There was nothing I could do to change it. Trying to keep Zac away hadn’t worked and neither had trying to deny that the baby was his. There was nothing I could do but keep going and try to figure out how to live with this… even if it seemed like Zac was trying to figure out how _not_ to live with it.

By Saturday, the festivities started to wind down and I had time to actually sit by myself, breathe and think. All I could think about was how so much had changed since the last time I was there. Aunt Sus had been to visit me since last Christmas, but this was the first time I’d made the trip up there since Layla was born. Last Christmas, Layla didn’t even have a name, and Zac had no clue she existed. She was barely something I could even conceive of as real. Now I couldn’t deny her if I tried. Now she was tabloid fodder. 

It all made me sick. When I flipped through the channels and stumbled upon TMZ, replaying their earlier segment about me because that would be just my luck, I felt like screaming. It took all my strength _not_ to throw the television remote across the room. The only thing that kept me from it was reminding myself that Aunt Sus would kill me if I broke something in her house. She might understand my motivation, but she wouldn’t let me get away with it.

But I had to do _something_.

I was growing antsier and antsier by the minute. My frustration started out as a general depression and throwing myself a pity party. But as the minutes and hours went by, I felt more and more like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I couldn’t very well do that, though, so I had to find another outlet for my awful emotions.

I had a feeling I knew exactly the thing for that outlet, and so I pulled out my phone and texted an old friend who I knew had just opened his own tattoo parlor not long ago.

Once I had an answer to my text, I walked into the kitchen, where I had a feeling I would find Aunt Sus working her magic on some of the leftovers. Sure enough, there she was, standing over the stove.

“Hey, Aunt Sus?” I said. “Do you think you could watch Layla for a while? I need to go out and take care of something.”

Aunt Sus spun around and gave me a look. “Is it something important? Is something wrong?”

“Yes and no,” I replied with a sigh. “I mean, nothing is wrong. But it is kind of important. I just… need to get out. I need to do something. It’s nothing bad, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I’m always worried,” she shot back. 

A part of me wanted to remind her that she wasn’t my mother, but I knew that wasn’t what she wanted to hear. For better or worse, Aunt Sus was as close to a mother as I had now, and she had done a good job of it. Of course she was going to worry about me. Telling her I was going out for a new tattoo wasn’t likely to absolve her of that worry, so I just assured her I was only going out to run a quick errand. 

With the well-intentioned interrogation over, I was free to take Aunt Sus’s car and head downtown to Ink Inc. Even though I didn’t drive at all in the city, I felt surprisingly comfortable behind the wheel, and I remembered exactly how to get to the converted beauty parlor where Marc, who had only been an apprentice when I got my first tattoo, had set up shop a few months ago. Given that it was a holiday weekend, he wasn’t all that busy. In fact, there was no one else in the shop when I walked in. 

“Colby!” He cried out, rushing across the room to scoop me up in a hug. 

Even though we hadn’t seen each other for a long time, Marc had been a good friend to me. He was in the same class at Jaclyn and knew my family well enough to understand what I was going through when I came into his old shop for the tattoo dedicated to my parents. As I got more ink and he grew as an artist, we became closer. 

“So, what’s it going to be today?” He asked. “Your text sounded pretty urgent.”

“It’s a spur of the moment decision, but I need it,” I replied. It might have sounded cryptic to anyone else, but to a guy who gave himself tattoos when he got bored, I was sure it made perfect sense. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through the photos until I found the one I was looking for, one that was taken more than a year ago. Finally, I found it, and I handed the phone to Marc. “I need that. Just like that, right in that spot, but there’s a quote that I want to wrap around it. I can write it down for you.”

Marc looked at the photo for a moment, then nodded and grinned. “Sounds good. Email me the pic and I’ll work my magic on it, then we’ll talk fonts.”

Only a few minutes later, I was face down with Marc tracing the tattoo design on my back. I was more than ready for the sting of the needle. It was a feeling that I always found strangely cathartic; getting tattooed almost made me understand people who self-harmed. There was a strange rush to it, the adrenaline release that tried to counteract the pain, but the long wait also gave me time to think.

Right then, of course, the only thing on my mind was Zac Hanson.

I wanted to be with him. Of that there was no question. His feelings for me were a little bit more difficult to understand. At times he seemed to love me too, or at least claim that he did, but at other times I felt like I was nothing to him. I knew that he felt torn between me and his wife, and I tried to understand that. I really did. She was the one with the claim on him. She was the one he had history with. But she was also the one he complained about and ran from… right into my arms. Who wouldn’t feel special when a gorgeous man with a seemingly perfect family clung to her and professed to be unhappy in his marriage? As time went on, though, and he kept going back to her over and over, I had to wonder if the things he confided in me about were true. When he was with me, it was wonderful, but when he left… doubt crept back in. 

His face in the courtroom just a few days before wouldn’t leave my mind. He looked defeated and broken, but for the first time, it didn’t make me want to fix him. It made me wonder if he didn’t _like_ to be that way, if he didn’t choose to be that way just to play on my sympathy. Maybe he was too deep in his problems to even think of finding a way out, but the more I saw him wallow, the more I wondered if he wasn’t doing it on purpose.

A few hours later, I was pulled from my thoughts of Zac by Marc announcing that the tattoo was done. He seemed pleased with his work as he pulled a few mirrors around so that I could see what the design looked like on my back. Between my shoulder blades, Marc had duplicated the sun and moon design Zac had drawn on me months and months ago. Wrapped around that in a swirling script were the words:

_These violent delights have violent ends  
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,  
Which, as they kiss, consume._

I didn’t know if or when he would ever see the tattoo, but I was sure that if he did, Zac would understand my meaning. Unlike the tattoo on his left arm, though, mine wasn’t for him. It wasn’t for anyone but me—a reminder branded onto my skin of what my love for Zac had done. It had destroyed both of us, and right then, I could see no way for it to ever have a happy ending.

“It’s perfect,” I said, then sat back down to let Marc cover the tattoo so my clothes wouldn’t rub it.

After that, it was all done except for the payment. I was sure that Marc wanted to ask about the inspiration behind the tattoo, but he didn’t, and for that I was thankful. At least there were a few people left in the world who seemed to be oblivious to all the drama in my life. Maybe I was exaggerating, but even this little taste of the spotlight was too much for me. It wasn’t as though I were famous or anything—closer to infamous—but being a part of Hanson’s first appearance in the gossip rags was making me paranoid. If actually being famous was anything like this, I wasn’t so sure I wanted it. 

When I finally made it outside, I saw that it had started to snow. The short drive back to Aunt Sus and Uncle Max’s house was lengthened considerably, and I was sure that Aunt Sus was already worried about me given how long I had been. Finally, I made it back to the house and was greeted by the smell of fresh hot cocoa as soon as I opened the door. 

Aunt Sus was standing in the kitchen with a cup when I walked in. She gave me a knowing smile. “There’s some left, but you may need to reheat it.”

“Thank you,” I replied, and poured myself a mug. 

“Did your… errand go okay?” She asked softly.

“Yeah,” I said. “I got a new tattoo.”

Aunt Sus nodded knowingly, even though I wasn’t so sure that she did. She always reminded me that she didn’t understand the body art thing at all, but she never lectured me for it, either. After a moment, and a long sip of her cocoa, she asked, “Are you alright, Colby?”

“No,” I replied honestly. “I’m really not. But maybe… maybe I will be eventually. I don’t know. I just can’t see how… any of this will ever get better.”

“You don’t have to be able to see it. Just because you can’t predict how, doesn’t mean it won’t happen.”

“Maybe you’re right,” I said. 

“Have you ever known me to be wrong?” She asked, grinning.

“No,” I said, giving her a weak grin of my own. “I suppose not.”


	48. Stumble and Fall

The week after Thanksgiving, it was back to New York, back to work… and back to court.

By this point in the proceedings, Zac’s fans seemed to have discovered all the details, and I had no doubt that the group of girls bundled up in coats and scarves just milling about by the court house steps were Hanson fans. Their whispering reached a fever pitch when I walked by, and it took all my strength to tune them out. I didn’t want to hear a single word they said about me; their dirty looks were enough for me to get the general idea.

If they only knew that everything they thought about me was nothing compared to what I thought about myself.

Compared to the gaggle of gossips outside, the inside of the courtroom was deathly silent. Other than the judge and various court workers, the only people in the room were me, my lawyer, Zac and his lawyer. There was no hiding from or ignoring Zac, no matter how much I might have wanted to. 

I had thought long and hard about the inevitable outcome of the case, but I had come no closer to any peace of mind. Uncle Todd had little advice to offer that helped me come any closer to any sort of happiness. After days and days, I realized that I wasn’t going to be sure what to do or feel until I was there, in front of the judge. 

Even as he began to rehash everything we had done so far, every detail of the case, I didn’t know how I really felt. I stole a glance at Zac, but I couldn’t read his face at all. His eyes looked empty. He just looked hollow. I felt a pang of sadness in my chest at the thought that dragging this court case out might be part of why he looked that way. He only wanted the chance to be there for his daughter; I understood that now. But in the state he was in right then… I wasn’t sure if he could even appreciate that or do anything about it. Still, if he ever stood a chance of pulling himself out of the depression he’d falling into, he needed to be in Layla’s life. If I kept her from him, it would only make things worse.

When the judge made his recommendation that Layla’s name be legally changed to Layla Juliette Hanson and Zac be allowed to see her at our own discretion, I had no argument at all. To my relief, the judge did not recommend any set amount of child support, simply stating that the issue could be readdressed at a later date if I felt Zac wasn’t supporting Layla. At least, I hoped, the lack of child support would keep Zac’s fans from calling me a golddigger. I knew it wouldn’t stop all of them, but perhaps the few capable of seeing reason would understand that this was all Zac’s doing, not mine.

As for Zac… I still couldn’t read his emotions. After stating that I agreed with the judge’s decision, I glanced at Zac. He only nodded, forcing his lawyer to speak for him. Why wasn’t he happy? Had he changed his mind about what he wanted? Was he just incapable of happiness now?

After we were dismissed, I rushed to follow him out of the room. It seemed like the tables had turned somehow; after every other court date, he was the one chasing after me to complain about my behavior. But now I wanted answers from him, even though I doubted I would get them.

“Zac!” I called out as he approached the metal detector that stood between him and the front door. “I wouldn’t go out there if I were you. They’re probably still creeping.”

“Who’s creeping?” He asked, turning around and giving me a confused look.

“Your fans, and I use the term loosely, given their behavior. Although maybe they don’t hate you as much as they do me.” 

“They don’t hate you,” he replied, although the look on his face said that it was an automatic reaction and not something he really believed. “Was that all you wanted?”

I sighed. “I guess I just… well, I wanted to know if you were okay. If this… if this turned out the way you wanted. And if it did, can you at least try to look happy about it?”

“I am happy,” he said, but once again, it didn’t look like he really believed it.

“You got what you wanted, didn’t you? You get to be in her life, and on your own terms. I can’t keep her away from you, but I can complain if you don’t support her the way I think you should.”

“And how do you think I should support her?” He asked, almost accusingly.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “I just want to believe that you’re really trying… that you really want to be there for her. That you’re doing it for the right reasons, and not just to… I don’t know, to get back at Kate or something.”

Zac sighed, and for a moment, he seemed to let his guard down. After a few seconds of awkward silence, he finally said, “I’m going back to her. Maybe… maybe for longer than the holidays. I don’t know. We need to work on some things, and I don’t know what that will really mean.”

“It better not mean that you’re running off and abandoning Layla,” I shot back.

“It won’t. It doesn’t. I promise, Colby.”

“I just don’t know if I trust your promises,” I admitted.

“That might be a wise decision, at least in some cases,” Zac agreed, nodding a little. “But this is our baby we’re talking about. I can’t abandon her. I can’t. I may be a worthless asshole, but not that much of one. Give me some credit, Colbs.”

“I’m trying to,” I replied softly.

“So am I,” he said. “Trying, I mean. And right now, what I need to try to do is be a better husband… and father. I can’t be all things to everyone, but those are two things I can be.”

All I could do then was nod. The words he wasn’t saying were still coming through loud and clear: he had chosen Kate over me. Even though he seemed distant and emotionless, he spoke the most clearly he had in weeks, maybe months. For once, I didn’t think I was seeing him through a haze of alcohol. Yet I wasn’t sure if this new, subdued version of Zac was an improvement.

What could I do, though? I was done fighting. He had made his choice, and he would either stick to it or not, regardless of what I said or did. And so I just let him walk away, trying not to care that this might have been the end of us as anything more than co-parents.

I waited until Zac had been gone for several minutes before making my way out onto the street. I kept my head down as I passed the few girls who still lingered, focusing instead on sending Avery a text to let her know I was coming over to pick up Layla. Even though I had been trying to distance myself from Zac’s family, I knew I could trust Avery, and frankly, I was just tired of treating them all as the enemy. Only one of them definitely was. Zac might have been, too, depending on his mood. Either way, I didn’t want to abandon my friendship with Avery now that it was back, and so I was soon on the subway heading to her and Malcolm’s apartment. 

Their apartment was in the basement of a converted brownstone and was the perfect, old fashioned place for a couple like them. The little doorknocker that I used to alert them to my presence was probably older than my entire apartment building, and I loved it. I only had to wait a moment before the door swung open to reveal Avery bouncing a giggling Layla on her hip. 

“Hey, Colbs,” she said. “Say hi to mommy, Layla.”

Layla obliged, although her response couldn’t really be considered words by any stretch of the imagination. So far, “dada” was still the only discernible word in her lexicon, and if I didn’t know better, I would think she was taunting me every time she repeated it over and over.

“Hey, baby,” I said, reaching out to tickle Layla’s foot. “And hey to you, too. Thanks for watching her.”

“Oh, we had tons of fun,” Avery replied, stepping back to let us in. “We’ve been watching cartoons, eating all kinds of icky pureed things that should never be pureed… it’s been a blast. How was court?”

“Much less of a blast,” I said, collapsing onto Avery’s couch next to a pile of Layla’s toys. “But it’s over. She’s officially Layla Juliette Hanson and Zac is officially staying with—or going back to—Kate. Whatever. He’s with her and he’s staying that way.”

Avery pushed aside the toys and sat down next to me. “Were you really expecting anything different? Not to be blunt or anything, but… they were only separated. Did he ever _say_ he was going to be with you?”

“No,” I replied. “No, he didn’t. He just… he made me feel that way, you know? He made me feel special. I guess I wasn’t.”

“Of course you are.” Avery frowned. “Just because my dumbass brother can’t decide who he wants to be with… that’s no reflection on you or on Kate. That’s all about him. I’m not saying that she’s perfect, either. She has her flaws. But so does he, and I hope you see them now. I still love him to death, but he’s turning into somebody that I don’t necessarily like.”

“So I’m not the only person who doesn’t recognize him anymore?”

“No, you’re really not,” Avery replied, shaking her head. “Zac is… I don’t know what he is. I just know that he can’t go on the way he’s been. He’s drifting, and he knows it.”

“I don’t think he sees that as a problem,” I said, relieved that someone else finally saw Zac the way I did. It made me wonder what Thanksgiving had been like for the Hanson family, but I didn’t really want to ask.

“Maybe not,” she said. “I just don’t know. I don’t know what to think about him. I wish I had something better to tell you than that.”

“I’m just glad I have someone to talk to who I feel like sees both sides,” I admitted. “I mean, I know he’s your brother, and I don’t want to put you in the middle of this…”

She shook her head. “I don’t feel that way. Maybe I did, for a while. But I think we can all be more mature than to feel like we have to take sides. At least, I hope we can.”

“I hope we can, too,” I replied, then reached for Layla. “And I hope we can make it home safely. Babies are a ton of fun on the subway and the bus, let me tell you.”

Avery laughed. “Oh, you’ll be fine. But I’m sure you want to get home. You probably both need a nap by now, huh?”

“I’m not sure which of us needs one more,” I replied. 

The day had been exhausting, so it took quite a bit of my energy to help Avery gather up all of Layla’s belongings and strap her back onto my chest. It might have given me quite a workout to carry the extra twenty pounds of baby and diaper bag, but the Baby Bjorn was definitely handy for getting Layla around the city without incident. 

Once she was in place and the bag thrown over my shoulder, I held my arms out as if to hug Avery, even though I couldn’t quite reach. Giving her a tired smile, I said, “I’m really glad we’re still friends. I know this has been… a rough year for all of us.”

“It has,” she replied, nodding. “But we’ll be alright. If I have to kick Zac’s ass myself, we’ll be alright.”

“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that,” I said, laughing.

As we said goodnight and parted ways, I was tempted to tell Avery I wouldn’t mind at all if she did kick his ass. I just wasn’t sure it would do any good. I wasn’t sure what it would take to get through to him, but I did know that I had run out of ideas. There was nothing I could do. It was up to Zac to change himself.


	49. Moving and Moving On

The rest of the holidays flew by without so much as a peep from Zac. That was roughly what I had expected; I knew he would want to spend that time with his real family, the one he was so desperate to save, and I also knew that Hanson had a big event in Mexico planned for just after the New Year. Even if he did claim to want Layla in his life, there simply wasn’t time right then, and I tried my best not to hold it against him. I was almost successful.

It was hard to believe that a year had passed since the truth had been revealed. So much had changed in that time. Layla was seven months old and more than a handful. Taking her to work with me was becoming more of a challenge now that she was crawling everywhere. When she wasn’t trying to explore the whole store, she was crying over her sore gums. I knew it had to be trying Joey’s patience to have her there, but he never complained. Sometimes I even caught him playing with her when he thought I wasn’t looking. 

I tried to balance things out as well as I could, but there were some days when I just couldn’t get a babysitter. Avery was there for much as much as she could be, but I understood that she had to work as well and had other plans on her anniversary that didn’t include her friend’s teething baby. The store never did get very busy, so it wasn’t a big deal if I sat in the floor and helping Layla practice standing up while Tobias manned the checkout.

“So I was thinking…” Tobias began.

“That could be dangerous.”

“Har, har,” he replied, then stuck out his tongue. “No, seriously. You know Danny’s got that little studio set up now, right? So I was thinking it would be cool to get a girl in there to record some stuff… just to test the equipment out, you know? I mean, we’ve cut a few tracks, but let’s be honest, I don’t have a lot of vocal range.”

“And did you have any particular girl in mind?” I asked.

“Maybe,” he replied, grinning. “Say, one with some mad violin skills?”

“Hmm, I don’t know anybody like that…” I murmured as I caught Layla on a particularly bold—but failed—attempt to stand entirely on her own. 

“Sure you don’t,” he replied, then turned back to flipping through the Rolling Stone he’d yanked off our small magazine rack to occupy his time between customers. “But if you think of anyone like that, the studio’s open anytime...”

Even though I hadn’t taken Tobias seriously, the offer was really tempting. It had been a long time since I’d had time to even practice any instrument. I couldn’t remember the last time my violin had been out of its case. Considering the fact that I had gone to college for music and devoted nearly all of my life to it, that was just a shame. Of course, I had other things to occupy my time, such as the little girl who had just thrown her stuffed rabbit at Tobias. Realizing that Layla now consumed everything in my life, to the exclusion of my music, was a bittersweet feeling. She was the most important thing now, but that didn’t mean I had to give up on my passions. At least, it shouldn’t have meant that.

“Maybe I do know somebody…” I finally said.

Tobias just smiled. I couldn’t help wondering if he had something else planned. I supposed he did know that I missed my music, and he was just trying to help. I wasn’t going to be mushy enough to say it, but I hoped he knew that I appreciated the thought.

The day progressed roughly the same way, with very few customers and more of our attention taken up by magazines and Layla than anything else. On the few occasions when the bell above the door rang, we both jumped up out of curiosity and in the hopes of having something else to occupy our time. Later in the day, when we had just about given up on anyone coming in for more than a few minutes, the bell rang and I glanced up to see Avery and Malcolm. 

“What a romantic anniversary date,” I remarked. 

“Oh, well our reservations aren’t until later,” she replied. “So I figured this would be a good way to kill some time.”

Malcolm wandered away to look at some of the new arrivals, but Avery stayed near the checkout. I couldn’t help thinking she too had some ulterior motive. Maybe I was paranoid, but the look on Avery’s face as she fiddled with the various items by the checkout made me think I was right.

“So, what’s up?” I asked as casually as I could manage.

“Oh, just stopped in to say hi,” she replied, not meeting my eyes. She twirled around a pen we had for people to sign their receipts with, then finally looked at me. “Well, it’s just… I don’t want you to freak out or anything, but there’s something I need to tell you. And I’m guessing since you haven’t called me to scream about it, you probably don’t know yet. Can’t say I’m surprised that he hasn’t told you…”

“He?” I repeated. “What did Zac do now?”

“It’s nothing bad,” Avery said quickly. “Not really, anyway. I mean, depending on how you look at it.”

Feeling ready to tear my hair out if she didn’t just spit out whatever it was she was trying to tell me, I practically shouted, “Just tell me already!”

“He’s moving here,” she said. When that didn’t get a reaction, she added, “I mean, for good. With Kate and the kids. They’re all moving here.”

I felt a dozen different emotions all at once. I wanted to be near him, didn’t I? But it felt so wrong, and I knew it was because Kate was coming with him. Being near me might have meant that he wanted to try to be a good father to Layla, but bringing his entire family with him meant that he had no plans to leave Kate. Their separation had only been temporary, as I think a part of me had known it would be. I knew his dreams of us having a happy little family had been just that—dreams. Reality could never be that simple.

“Oh,” I finally said, because I couldn’t think of anything more intelligent than that to say.

“I’m sorry, Colby,” Avery said softly.

“Why be sorry?” I asked. “It’s not bad news, is it? I mean, it isn’t good news, either. I don’t know what would be. It just… is what it is.”

Avery eyed me for a moment. “You’re taking this surprisingly well.”

“How else am I supposed to take it?” I asked, jumping a little when I felt a hand on the small of my back. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tobias standing there, Layla on his hip. I leaned into his touch a little as I continued, “So Zac’s moving here for good and not just crashing with Taylor and his wife. Good for him, I guess. Maybe he’ll make good on his promises to be there for Layla. Maybe he won’t. But at least this gets him a little closer.”

“I guess I just thought… I mean, I didn’t think you’d be glad to hear that he’s staying with Kate,” Avery replied.

“I’m not glad,” I said. “But I’m not surprised, either. I think I’ve finally realized that his words and his actions will never match.”

“I hate that you see him that way. You’re not wrong, but he’s just not… he’s not the big brother I used to know. And I wish you could meet that Zac.”

“I think I have,” I replied. “Once or twice. But he never sticks around.”

Avery nodded, then glanced back at Malcolm, who was making his way toward the checkout with a few old albums under his arm. “Well, I guess we should get going now that we’ve gossiped and spent some money. You’ll give me a call or stop by if you need to talk or vent or anything, right?”

“Of course,” I replied, having no doubt that with Zac back in town, I would need to do a lot of venting. “You guys have a nice dinner, and happy anniversary.”

I plucked Layla off Tobias’ hip so that he could ring up Malcolm’s purchases. The brave front I had put forth for Avery was nearing the end of its lifetime, and I stepped into the back so that I could take a deep breath and try to keep from crying. I didn’t know why it bothered me so much that Zac was moving to New York for good. Except that wasn’t entirely true. I did know why it bothered me—because Kate was coming with him. Because the happy life he made me think we could have wasn’t a possibility at all. I had been right that he was always going to go back to her, and now he wasn’t just going back to her, he was bringing her into _my_ world. 

I had never wanted to be wrong so badly in my life.

“Hey,” Tobias said, rapping softly on the doorframe before stepping into the room. “Everything okay back here? His sister’s gone, so you can stop pretending.”

“I don’t even know why I bothered,” I said. “She can see through me anyway. I just… I feel so bad for telling her how I really feel about him. She’ll always end up taking his side, eventually. Even if she does agree that he’s being… I don’t even know how to describe how he’s being.”

“I’d take up for my brother too,” Tobias replied. “But I know what you mean. You don’t want her caught in the middle.”

I nodded. “As much as it can be avoided, anyway.”

“So,” he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Are you going to see him, do you think? When he gets here?”

“I don’t even know when that will be. And I just don’t know. I guess it’s really up to him, even if he doesn’t have any clue what he wants.” I shook my head sadly, then brushed back Layla’s hair. She was starting to get a little fussy, but I was sure that had more to do with the baby tooth trying to make its appearance than with everything we were discussing in front of her.

“Well, you take a break back here for a while, alright?” Tobias said. “I can handle things out front, and you need a little breather. Think about what I said about the studio, though. We can set up a session for you whenever you want.”

“Yeah,” I said, plopping down on the couch. “I’ll definitely think about it.”

The thought of playing music again was just as overwhelming as the thought of Zac and Kate moving to New York. I hated it. I should have wanted to play again, but it almost seemed like a burden. Even my own music reminded me of him, somehow. No doubt any songs I managed to write and record would be about him. 

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I knew before I even pulled it out that it was a message from Zac. That was just my luck, and sure enough, a glance at the screen revealed that I was right.

_Coming back to NY for good next week. We shld get 2gether w/Layla. We need to talk._

I couldn’t think of a single thing we had to talk about, but I also knew that I couldn’t deny him the chance to see his daughter. At one time, I might have thought that was best for him, but I didn’t believe that anymore. It might not have been best for me, but I was coming to see that I couldn’t make decisions based on that. I could do some things for me—like perhaps recording in Tobias’s friend’s studio—but I had to think about what was best for Layla, too. And I knew that letting her see her daddy was for the best, no matter what that visit might have meant for me. The latter, I had no doubt, could not possibly be anything good.


	50. Black and White

A week or so later, bundled up to protect us both from the cold, I wheeled Layla around Columbus Park. It was more or less halfway between my apartment and Zac’s new house, so it seemed like the best place to meet, even if it was a little too chilly to hang out at the park. Still, there was a nice walking track I could push Layla around, and it felt far enough away from Zac’s family. They were still too close for my comfort, but for the moment, this distance would do. We had planned to meet there and talk, but I was sure that with Zac, there would be more strings attached than just a simple conversation.

I had already pushed Layla around the majority of the park by the time Zac finally texted to let me know he was in the area. Sure enough, I spotted him sitting on a bench just a few yards away, his head down. I didn’t say a word, so he didn’t notice us until we were right in front of him.

“Colby,” he said, nearly jumping off the bench when he finally looked up. “It’s so good to see you—both of you—again.”

He sounded so formal and distant. I didn’t believe his words at all. Without a word of my own, I sat down next to him, ready to rest my feet after getting so much exercise with Layla. I didn’t know what to say to Zac at all, so I just didn’t say anything.

“I know I should have told you sooner than we were planning this, but… well, I didn’t know we were. The house next to Taylor’s came up for sale, too, and it just seemed like a sign, you know? We both need to be here to get 3CG running here in New York again, and if all my kids are here, I can divide my time a little more evenly between them. It just makes sense, Colby.”

“Sure,” I replied. “I never said it didn’t make sense, did I?”

“You haven’t really said anything,” he shot back.

“I don’t know what to say. Do you want me to be happy you’re here? Or upset? I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel about this.”

Zac sighed. “I don’t know either. Happy, I guess? Like I said, this will make it a lot easier to be there for _all_ my kids. That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“It is,” I agreed somewhat reluctantly. “And it’s not like _you_ hadn’t moved here anyway, even if you did go back to Tulsa for a while…”

“You just weren’t expecting her to move with me,” Zac said slowly.

“Well, until you said you were going back to work things out with her, I was under the impression you two were separated. And you’re always… I mean, from the way you talk about her, I don’t know why you would even want to work things out.” I scooted farther away from him as I talked, afraid that my words were revealing more than I wanted them to.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Zac replied. “You’ve never been married. It’s… it’s complicated. Yeah, it sucks sometimes, but we have a family and history together. I can’t just… throw that away.”

“You’d still have a family and history even if you weren’t together,” I pointed out, crossing my arms and staring off in the distance, not even wanting to meet Zac’s eyes.

“Yeah, but… well, we know each other. Maybe too well. In spite of our problems, we know how to be together.”

“So you’re choosing the path of least resistance,” I replied.

“If that’s how you want to see it,” Zac said softly.

“How else should I see it?” I asked. “It’s not like you gave me reason to think that you wanted to leave her and be with me. It’s not like this whole thing between us was built on the premise that you were unhappy in your marriage and I stupidly thought I could make you happier than she did. Except… that’s exactly what you made me think. Yet now I’m supposed to be happy that you’ve not only chosen to stay with her, but you’ve moved her to my city. Yeah, Zac. I’m fucking thrilled to know I’ve wasted all this time on something you were never really going to give me.”

“Everything isn’t black and white, Colby,” he said softly. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. We can have problems and go through rough patches, and I can do some really shitty things… but that doesn’t mean that she and I don’t still want to try to make our marriage work. Whatever you and I have… or had… well, I’m sorry that I can’t take a chance on that when I have eight years of marriage behind me.”

“That’s fine,” I snapped. “Don’t leave her. I’m not telling you to, and I never did. But you were the one who made me think that we had something… something other than this little girl. Something that would be enough for you to give up on a marriage that you yourself claimed was horrible. So if I ever thought things were that black and white… well, why wouldn’t I, based on what you said?”

“I don’t know,” Zac admitted. “But now I’m trying to tell you that I was wrong. What I felt then was… I don’t know, it wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t the entire truth, I guess. I’m trying to tell you now that it’s more complicated than you versus her, and I wish you could see that.”

“I wish I could, too, but you know that’s how you’ve always made it seem. Why did you ask me to come here, anyway?”

“Not so that we could argue,” he said. “I just wanted to see our baby girl, Colbs. And I wanted to apologize for misleading you, which I obviously did. I wanted to try to get off on the right foot this time. I want us to find a way to make this work for Layla. And when I say this… I don’t mean a relationship between us, even though I know that’s what you want.”

“I wouldn’t assume that if I were you,” I shot back, even though he wasn’t entirely wrong. I didn’t want a relationship with the guy he had been lately, but I _did_ want a relationship with the Zac I thought he was somewhere deep down inside. “We’re never going to be one big happy family, if that’s what you think moving here is going to accomplish.”

“It can’t hurt,” he replied. “None of us can be entirely happy if we’re not all here, where I can be devoted to all of my kids and devoted to my wife. I know it isn’t exactly how you saw this playing out, but out of all possibly scenarios, I truly believe this is the best one. And I hope in time you can see it that way, too.”

“I just don’t really see that happening,” I replied.

“Maybe not,” he admitted. “But it’s the best shot we’ve got. You have to see that.”

“I don’t have to do anything,” I said. “Now, is that all you had to talk about?”

“I guess it is,” Zac said, then sighed softly. “Can you hang out for a little while longer, though? I would like to actually spend some time with Layla. I don’t want to feel like you’re keeping her from me.”

“Then don’t feel that way, because it’s not what I’m doing,” I snapped. “Just because _I_ don’t want anything to do with you right now doesn’t mean I’m going to keep our daughter from you. I’m not the only one seeing things in black and white here, Zac. I’m not the only one acting like this is some sort of game that only one of us can win.”

“Just let me see Layla, please,” he practically whined. “I don’t want to argue about this anymore. I just want to see our daughter and try to get things as close to normal as possible.”

“Fine. Whatever.” I stood up and turned Layla’s stroller toward Zac. “We were taking a walk before you got here. So let’s take a walk, but I don’t plan on making happy little small talk while we do. And it’s too cold to walk for much longer.”

“Okay,” he said, standing up. “Do you think we could maybe go out for lunch afterward?”

“Didn’t I just get done telling you that I didn’t want anything to do with you right now?”

Zac sighed. “So you hate me so much that we can’t even have a meal together.”

“Did I say that?” I asked, taking a few steps to encourage him to start moving. “I’m just not happy with you right now, and I don’t know when I will be, but I’m not going to keep you from Layla. If going to lunch with you will shut you up, then fine. I’ll do it.”

“Thank you,” he replied, falling into step beside me. After a moment, he asked, “How’s our girl doing? I hate that I missed her first Christmas…”

“I’m sure it won’t be the only holiday you miss,” I replied softly. A little louder, I replied, “She’s doing good. Growing like she’s supposed to, learning a few more words, crawling everywhere and even trying to stand up.”

As if to prove my point, she started babbling loudly, saying the most she had said the whole day. Amongst all of her chatter, the only discernible words were “mama” and “dada.” At least she had managed to notice that I was there too. 

“Yeah, Daddy’s here,” Zac cooed back at her. “He’s gonna be here all the time, baby girl. He’ll get to see you all the time, and you’ll get to see your Uncle Taylor more… remember him? We’ll have all kinds of fun, playing and playing music… you know, we’re going to start recording the next album here, I think.”

The last part of that was directed at me, and I didn’t know what he expected me to say in response. Finally, I managed to ask, “Oh, are you?”

“Yeah,” Zac said, steering Layla’s stroller down the sidewalk toward the edge of the park, where there were a few nice restaurants. “It’s going to take us a while to get the office and studio set up here, but it’ll be a pretty nice place once we do. You should come over and check it out. Hell, we’ll probably need an extra set of hands if you wanna help us get the place in shape.”

“I don’t know about that,” I replied. “It didn’t work out so well the last time I worked for you guys, didn’t it?”

Zac gave a harsh little chuckle. “I’m not saying work for us, unless you wanted to. I just mean that it’s going to be all hands on deck, so I figured if you wanted to come hang out… plus, it would give me a chance to spend more time with Layla if you brought her.”

“I’ll think about it,” I replied.

Zac steered us into a little café, not even bothering to ask if that was okay with me. That was nothing new for him, though. Once he had made up his mind how things were going to be, it really didn’t matter what anyone else wanted. Of course, his mind rarely seemed to _stay_ made up…

Something felt different this time, though. There was no spark between us. He wasn’t as hollow and emotionless as before, but he also wasn’t the man I loved. He reminded me so much more of the distant man he’d been when I first met him, before we’d become friends… and then more. I wasn’t sure how everything between us had been undone, but it seemed that it had. We were back at the beginning, and I didn’t know how to get us back to any sort of real relationship. All I knew was that trying to act like we had nothing in common but Layla wasn’t the way to do it. 

Whatever positive words Zac said about it, I just couldn’t convince myself that this big move to New York was a good thing for us.


	51. A Broken Tune

_Right under my feet is air made of bricks  
It pulls me down, turns me weak for you  
I find myself repeating like a broken tune  
And I'm forever excusing your intentions  
And I give in to my pretendings  
Which forgive you each time  
Without me knowing  
They melt my heart to stone_

Being in a recording studio again felt so good. 

I had only done a little actual recording in college and hadn’t even set foot in a music studio since then. In what spare moments I had, I always found myself jotting down lyrics and there was always a tune playing in my mind. Turning those into actual songs that I could record was easier than I expected it to be. I hadn’t realized I had so many new songs inside of me, considering that I hadn’t sat down for the purpose of writing a song in well over a year. Now that I was in the studio with Tobias, though, the songs wouldn’t stop pouring out of me.

_And I hear your words that I made up  
You say my name like there could be an us  
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love  
I'm the only one in love_

I had brought several notebooks and loose sheets of paper with me, all stuffed into my guitar and violin cases. Tobias and I spent the better part of the morning trying to turn some of my little snippets into something usable before we finally got into the groove and actually managed to record a few tracks. On this particular one, he played a piano part that suited the song perfectly, even though I hadn’t even known he _could_ play piano. 

As much as I loved recording, it hurt. It felt like tearing my heart out and stomping on it. At least no one was there to see it but Tobias, but of course he understood the meaning behind my words. I could only thank him for helping me to set them to beautiful music and skirting around the topic of exactly what—or who--had inspired the songs.

_Each and every time I turn around to leave  
I feel my heart begin to burst and bleed  
So desperately I try to link it with my head  
But instead I fall back to my knees  
As you tear your way right through me  
I forgive you once again  
Without me knowing  
You've burnt my heart to stone_

Zac had called and texted me several times, practically daily, since his (permanent) move to New York, but it was obvious that it was only perfunctory. He only wanted to check on Layla; he didn’t care about me at all. Whatever was between us, he had forgotten it or pushed it aside so well that I couldn’t even see a single sign of the emotions I had been so sure he reciprocated. 

We were nothing. Nothing but Layla’s parents.

I hated myself for being so hurt by that. Shouldn’t I have at least been happy that he was keeping his promise to be there for our daughter? Why was I still so angry with him? Layla mattered more than what I felt for Zac and what I had hoped he felt for me. If she was happy, I shouldn’t have needed anything else in the world.

Yet I did. And the one thing I needed had made it very clear that he belonged to another woman and had no plans to change that.

_And I hear your words that I made up  
You say my name like there could be an us  
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love  
I'm the only one in love_

When we finished that song, one of about half a dozen we had recorded, I decided it was time for a break. If I smoked, I would have been running for the doors to go out and light up. As it was, I just ended up collapsing on a couch in the control booth and sighing heavily. If I could have fallen asleep, I would have done that, too, but since becoming a mother, I was learning that I could actually function on very little sleep. Whether I was pleasant to be around or simply existing in a somewhat zombie-like state, I wasn’t sure.

Just as I actually did start to drift off, my phone buzzed from somewhere in the pockets of my dress. I fished it out and wasn’t surprised at all to see that the call was from Zac.

“Hello?” I said, trying not to sound as unhappy to hear from him as I was.

“Hey, I was just… well, just checking in,” he replied.

“Layla’s with Avery,” I replied.

“I didn’t mean… I mean, I wanted to know how she was, too. But I wanted to check in with you.”

“Why?” I asked, the question coming out before I could even think about how it must have sounded.

“Because… well, just because. What’s new, Colbs? We only ever talk about the baby.”

“What else _would_ we talk about? It would all just turn into an argument.”

“Maybe not,” he replied. “I’m trying to be friendly now. I want us to be friendly. So what’s new in your world?”

I sighed. If he really wanted to do this, then I supposed it wouldn’t hurt to play along. “I’m actually recording a few tracks today, just for fun.”

“Yet you won’t come to my studio,” he shot back.

“I’m just not sure that’s a good idea,” I replied.

“Why?” He asked. “Because I’ll be there? Because Kate might be there? I can assure you—she won’t be. But yes, I will be there, and I’d like to think you and I can find a way to be in the same room without killing each other.”

“Yeah, well, it takes two. Or in our case, three.”

“Whatever,” he said softly. He cleared his throat loudly, then continued, “Anyway, I’m glad you’re making music again. I remember you talking about it… all the instruments you play… but I’ve never heard you play a single note.”

I was shocked that Zac actually remembered that conversation. He had to be referring to the night we met, when I had gushed about music to him and his brothers, and told them all about my history with classical music and my study of not only dorky instruments like violin but the music business. I had come across like a total geek, I was sure. But Zac remembered. He had actually been listening to me that night, and I could barely believe it. It was such a simple thing for him to remember, but it meant more than I could tell him.

“Well, I’m a little rusty,” I replied. “I was just helping some friends out; they just got this new studio set up and they haven’t had many people in to record yet. But I may have put down some decent demos today.”

“You should bring them with you when you come over to 3CG,” Zac said.

“ _When_ I come over?” I repeated, but by this point, I was too exhausted to be anything more than amused by his stubbornness.

“It’s up to you,” he replied lightly. “Whenever you want to come over. I’m not trying to force anything, I just think it would be good for you to get back into music, back into the business. And it’s just a big bonus that you could bring Layla and I could see her more.”

“You really know how to lay on a guilt trip.”

“That wasn’t my intention,” Zac said.

I rolled over and bashed my head against the arm of the couch a few times. “Sure it wasn’t. Look, I don’t know when, but I’ll come over. I’m not saying I’m going to work for you guys, because as we discussed, this did not end well the last time. But… I’ll come hang out. That’s all.”

“That’s enough for me,” he replied.

I had a feeling that it wasn’t, but I wasn’t sure what would be. Even though he was nothing more than friendly with me, almost like casual acquaintances, he still seemed to want to press the issue of spending more time together. I didn’t understand it. When we weren’t together, being so near him was just salt in the wound. I supposed he didn’t feel that, though, so he saw nothing wrong with it. Not wanting him to know how I felt meant that I couldn’t complain about spending time with him… which in turn only made me feel even more for him. 

It was a cycle that I didn’t know how to break.

After a moment of awkward silence on the line, Zac sighed. “So, I guess you probably want to get back to work, huh?”

“It’s not really work, but yeah… I should,” I replied. “What about you? Shouldn’t you be at work, too?”

“We’re still trying to get this place in shape again, considering the fact that it’s just been a storage space for years,” he said. “And ‘getting it in shape’ involves a lot of sitting around doing nothing and then occasionally looking through a box of crap. It’s really more tiring than it sounds.”

“I’m sure it is,” I said. “I can’t really see you and Taylor getting a lot of work done left to your own devices like that anyway.”

“Exactly!” Zac replied, giggling. “That’s why you need to come over. You can whip us into shape.”

There was a subtle flirtiness to his words, and I wasn’t sure which of us had started the conversation down that path. It was the most we had flirted in months, and it felt a little wrong. Like an old familiar outfit that didn’t fit the way you remembered. It was still your favorite, but you couldn’t quite remember _why_ , and you weren’t sure it had changed… or if you had.

_Why do you steal my hand?  
Whenever I'm standing my own ground  
You build me up, then leave me dead_

“Well, alright,” I said slowly. “If only just to shut you up.”

“I’m sure my family would tell you that’s the best reason to do anything,” he replied, chuckling.

“We’ll figure out some time for me to come over there maybe next week, alright?”

“Yeah,” he breathed out. “That sounds great. And now I swear I’ll really let you get back to work.”

“Yeah… thanks,” I said, hating myself for being such a pushover for him.

“Sure thing. I’ll see you soon, Colbs.”

“Bye, Zac.”

There was a slight pause, like he wanted to say something else, and then the click signifying that he had ended the call. I couldn’t have even guessed what he was going to say next. There was really only one possibility, but those were words Zac had never said to me, words I thought he was even less likely to say now that his marriage was supposedly back on steady ground.

It was just more proof that I would never, ever understand Zac Hanson.

“Hey,” Tobias said, peeking his head into the room. His arms were loaded down with sodas and bags of greasy potato chips. 

“You want a snack? You look like you need one.”

“I feel like I need a bullet to the head,” I replied.

“What’s the story, morning glory?” He asked, plopping down in the floor in front of my couch and offering me a Dr. Pepper, which he knew was my favorite.

“Just the usual,” I replied. “The sperm donor is being a confusing asshole again. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, though. Maybe we really are just friends… if even that. I just wish I understood him.”

“You know, men talk about how confusing women are,” Tobias said, cracking open his own soda. “But the truth is, men are just as confusing sometimes, and we know it. We just like to blame the women.”

“No shit,” I replied. With a long sigh, I added, “I think I’m definitely ready for another take on that song. Call it divine inspiration.”

_Well I hear your words you made up  
I say your name like there should be an us  
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love  
I'm the only one in love_


	52. Just Friends

Even though I hadn’t wanted to do it, I had given in to Zac’s demands to see Layla more often. The most practical way to manage that was for me to come volunteer at their new/old office. Zac had offered to officially put me on the payroll; I refused but was outvoted by him and Taylor. Even the lunches and dinners he bought me seemed more like charity than I wanted. I had a job, though. I didn’t need another one, especially not one working for the married father of my child.

I tried not to think about that last bit, though. True to his word, I didn’t have to see Kate at all while Zac and I worked together. Whatever she did all day with their children, I didn’t know, but it kept her busy enough that she wasn’t involved in Zac’s work at all. I tried not to think too much about the fact that I was more involved in it, at least right then. It didn’t mean anything. Nothing meant anything. I just assigned too much meaning to things to convince myself that there really was something between the two of us.

But there wasn’t. Maybe there never had been. Maybe it had been so fleeting that it didn’t matter anymore. Whatever might or might not have been between us, it was clear that it was gone; working with him again had proven that much, at least.

“Do you guys want these old Billboards in here, too?”

“Sure,” I said, brushing my hair back as I glanced up at Taylor in the doorway, a big cardboard box of what I assumed were indeed issues of Billboard magazine in his arms. “If you can find an empty space for them, we’ll take them. And Layla’s playpen does not count as an empty space.”

Taylor chuckled, but it wasn’t that much of an exaggeration. The part of her playpen, which I had brought with me for the day so that she would be occupied while I worked, where she wasn’t currently sitting was just about the only empty spot in the entire room. Taylor finally heaved the box on top of a few more that we hadn’t looked at yet, then bent down and plucked Layla up into his arms.

“Are you helping Mommy and Daddy?” He cooed, bouncing her on his hip.

I tried not to bristle at the way the words came so easily to him. Zac’s head was down as he flipped through an old Rolling Stone, so I couldn’t tell what he thought of the title. It was true, though, and he had fought to have it legally recognized. If he didn’t want it now, then he was even worse of a human being than I’d given him credit for. 

“She’s tons of help,” he finally said, his expression going from blank to a wide smile as he looked up at his daughter. 

“Keeps us from going crazy in here. I hope she’s not choking on the dust, though.”

“You think it’s dusty now, you just wait until we start on the studio,” Taylor said, and even though Zac groaned, I could tell he was excited about putting in a real studio.

Although it had been the headquarters for 3CG for a while, they had never had a real studio here. Incorporating the company in New York was a strategic business move, for reasons a little too complicated for me to understand, and once that had served its purpose, they moved back to Tulsa and barely looked back. Because of that, their office-slash-storage space was a giant mess of magazines, paperwork and broken instruments. We had already been working on it for a week and had barely made any progress at all.

“We can’t start on that until Ike gets out here, though,” Zac commented.

“That reminds me,” Taylor replied, giving Layla a kiss and placing her back in the playpen. “I need to give him a call. I should call Nat, too, and see if she wants me to bring anything home for dinner.”

Taylor wandered out of the room then, mumbling to himself about all the things he needed to do before we all left for the day. At least it didn’t seem like Natalie was bringing the kids by that day. The last few times she had, I’d all but hid in a closet. It was stupid, but I knew anything she saw or heard would get back to Kate and we’d be forced to explain that we really weren’t having an affair again. I knew that hiding only made us look guilty, but if it meant we could avoid that conversation, I would gladly do it. I wasn’t even sure how much Kate knew about my new work situation.

“You know, I’m getting hungry, too,” Zac remarked.

“I wouldn’t eat anything in the fridge here, if the state of this room is anything to judge by.”

“Let me take you girls out to dinner,” he replied.

Before I could stop myself, I said, “That almost sounds like a date.”

“It’s not like that,” Zac said. “If it is, it’s because you’re making it like that. I just want to take you girls to get something to eat. A friendly meal before we go home, separately.”

“You always do this. You make it something, and then you say it’s not. If I ever think that there’s more between us than you say there is, it’s because of this shit you pull.”

Although the conversation wasn’t friendly at all, neither of us had raised our voices. I couldn’t speak for Zac, but for me it was a combination of not wanting to distress Layla and just being so tired of this happening with him. I couldn’t argue the same shit over and over again. I just wanted him to finally understand how I felt. I just wanted this to stop hurting. I wanted off the roller coaster.

“But,” I said, my tone measured, “if you really do just want to buy us dinner, I guess that’s okay. But it can’t take too long. I have to work at the shop tonight to fill in for Tobias; his band has a show tonight.”

“Lombardi’s is halfway between here and there,” Zac said. “What’s more casual and non-date-like than pizza? Will that convince you that I really don’t mean for this to be anything more?”

“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “But I do love their pizza. So let’s pack this up and head over there.”

In just a matter of minutes, we had all of Layla’s belongings packed up and had cleared ourselves a path out of the room we were working in. As I surveyed the room, I couldn’t tell that we had really made any progress at all, even though we had been working practically all day. Maybe someday this office would be in decent shape. And maybe someday Zac would actually be mine. Neither of those things seemed very likely.

There was a chill in the air as we finally made our way outside, and I pulled my scarf tight around my neck. Zac insisted on pushing Layla’s stroller, and I didn’t object. I knew we were pushing it being out in public together like that, but I tried to keep an eye on the gossip. As far as I could tell, most of Zac’s fans didn’t realize that he was living in New York yet. 

Yet.

I was sure it was only a matter of time before the shit hit the fan in one way or another. I just wished I could predict how. It might save me a lot of trouble and heartbreak.

“So, how are things going?” Zac asked as we walked briskly down the street, which was every bit as crowded as I expected it to be. At least no one paid much attention to the couple pushing their baby along—as that was what we looked like, I supposed.

“What kind of question is that?” I shot back. “You’ve seen me practically every day for the past week. You know how things are going.”

“Not really,” he replied. “I know when you work. I know how Layla is doing. I know the newest words she’s learned, and where she spit up on your favorite shirt. But I don’t… I don’t know _you_ , Colby. I guess I never really did. And I want to.”

“See?” I said. “It’s that shit. That’s what makes me think this is something more than it is. Don’t you see how you sound? Do you do this on purpose to fuck with me or do you really not hear yourself?”

Zac paused, stopping so suddenly that some guy in a suit shoved past him and cursed. He stared at me for a moment, before shaking his head. “I guess I don’t hear myself. I never really thought about it. Why can’t I get to know you and be your friend without it meaning something more, though?”

“Because before you tried the friends thing, you tried the mistress thing. There’s always going to be a history here that colors everything you try to do, innocent or not. And it’s hard for me to believe it’s innocent.”

He tilted his head to the side. “Would you believe it if I looked you in the eye and told you it was?”

“I don’t know,” I answered softly but honestly. Wrapping my arms tightly around myself, both for protection against the cold and protection from Zac, I asked, “Can we just go on? I told you; I have to work. We need to hurry.”

“Alright, alright,” Zac agreed, sighing heavily before he finally began to push the stroller again. “But you know we’re going to have this conversation again.”

I heaved a sigh of my own. “I know. We go around and around in circles about everything.”

A few minutes later, we finally arrived at the restaurant. It was packed, of course, but we had a simple enough order—one meat lovers and one pineapple and banana pepper. Sometimes I thought I still ate like a pregnant woman, even seven months postpartum. At least Zac only raised an eyebrow at my order, but didn’t say anything. 

Since it was so crowded in Lombardi’s and we had a stroller to deal with, we decided to take our order to go. I carried the boxes outside and we walked on toward Sit and Spin until we found an empty bench to sit and eat our dinner. It wasn’t ideal, but nothing with the two of us ever was. Even in the most mundane situations, I don’t know why I ever bothered to expect anything normal.

“So you didn’t answer my question,” Zac said in between bites. 

“What question?”

“About how you were doing,” he replied.

I took my time finishing my slice before I answered him. I was trying to buy myself time to think of an answer, but I still didn’t have one. He was staring at me, though, so I had to say something. “I’m tired, Zac. That’s how I am. Because I am, for all intents and purposes, a single mother. You might be here, but it’s not the same, and well… sometimes when I slow down for a moment, like right now, I realize just how very fucking tired I am.”

“You curse a lot in front of the baby,” he said softly.

“Yeah, I guess do,” I replied. “Oops?”

“There are worse things you could do than give her a potty mouth,” Zac said. “I don’t know what to say about the whole… single mother thing. You know where things stand. You know I’m doing the best I can.”

“I know,” I replied. “I didn’t mean to complain about what you’re doing or not doing. You just asked how I was, and the answer is totally exhausted. Even if things between us… well, I think I could sleep for a year and I would still be this tired.”

Zac nodded. “So, other than really needing a nap, how are you?”

“I don’t know,” I replied, shrugging. “I don’t have time for anything else. I go to work. I come home. I take care of Layla. That’s my life now.”

“What can I do? To help, I mean.”

“Nothing,” I replied, closing my pizza box. “You can’t turn back time, and I feel awful even suggesting it, because then Layla wouldn’t be here. So, no. You can’t do anything.”

Zac sighed, but nodded. “I don’t like that answer, but I get it. And for what it’s worth… I really am sorry.”

“Yeah,” I said, standing up. “If you’re not going to finish that pizza, do you mind if I take it work? The guys might be hungry. These late shifts suck like that.”

“Sure,” Zac said. He stood up next to me and touched my shoulder. “And if there’s anything else I can do…”

I nodded, effectively cutting him off. We said an awkward goodbye, and then parted ways. I resisted the urge to watch him walk away.

As I carefully balanced the pizza on top of Layla’s stroller, I thought back on the conversation I’d just had with Zac. As tired as I was, as bitter as I was about how things had turned out… would I really go back and change it if I could? I didn’t have an answer for that. All I knew was that I wasn’t sure how long Zac and I could go on like this, pretending to be nothing but old friends.


	53. Our Downfall

_Who are we to be emotional?  
Who are we to play with hearts and throw away it all?  
Oh, who are we to turn each other's heads?  
Who are we to find ourselves in other people's beds?_

_Oh, I don't like the way I never listen to myself  
I feel like I'm on fire, I'm too shy to cry for help  
Oh, I don't think you know me much at all_

The same pattern continued over the next few weeks. Whenever I wasn’t working and could either bring Layla with me or get someone to watch her, I went over to 3CG to help Zac, Taylor and the few other hired hands they’d found whip the place back into shape. Slowly, it was beginning to look like a real office and not some hoarder’s paradise. It was fascinating to see the place coming together. The space was there all along, but it just couldn’t be seen through all the mess. It was hard to envision what it would even look like, but slowly, one box at a time, it was being revealed.

I was sure there was some deeper metaphor in that, but I didn’t know what it was.

After watching the boys haul in an old piano Taylor had apparently had the good fortune to find at a thrift store, I felt my creative juices bubbling up again. It was strange; I hadn’t felt the absence of my musical inspiration, but now that it was back, I didn’t know how I had gone so long without it. I supposed maybe college had sucked the life and fun out of it for me, but now I could create music just for myself again.

And that was exactly what I wanted to do.

When no one else was around, I walked up to the piano and started plucking a few keys. I wasn’t playing anything in particular, just whatever came to mind. I could already hear a violin part to accompany it in my mind, though it had no name or lyrics. 

_This love is be and end all  
This love will be your downfall  
This love is be and end all  
This love will be your downfall_

_I'm feeling down about this love_

“Mmm, what’s that?” Zac asked. I hadn’t even heard him approach; I was too lost in the song. I could feel his body heat behind me, though—not brushing against me, but close. “Did you write that?”

“Not really. I mean, I did, but it’s nothing in particular. Just messing around.”

“I liked it,” he said. “When we get this studio done, it’s where you need to be recording, not your friend’s dinky little place.”

“Studio envy?” I mumbled. 

Zac chose to ignore that, instead reaching a steaming Starbucks cup over my shoulder. “I really came in here to bring you this, not to be serenaded, but feel free to keep playing.”

From behind me, I could hear him slurping what I was sure was a mocha, since that was the only thing I had ever seen him order at Starbucks. After a quick sip, I sat my latte down on a nearby box and tried to remember what I had been playing. The moment had nearly passed, and now that Zac was here, a new one was creeping up.

_Who are you to make me feel so good?  
Who are we to tell ourselves that we're misunderstood?  
Oh, who am I to say I'm always yours?  
Who am I to choose the boy that everyone adores?  
Oh, I don't see a reason why we can't just be apart  
We're falling on each other like we're always in the dark  
Oh, I don't think you know me much at all, at all_

As I played, Zac leaned against me, and I found that I loved it. I knew I should have pushed him away or at least tried to fight back that feeling of warmth that spread through my body, but I couldn’t. Just like that, he had hooked me again, whether he meant to or not. And I really had no clue if he did mean it; sometimes I thought it really was just a strange instinctual thing with him. He had no clue at all what he did to me.

The song still had no words, and it ended abruptly. I knew it wasn’t finished, but I could come back to it later. Whatever it was, it was going to be with me for a while, stuck beneath my skin just like Zac was.

“Wow,” Zac nearly whispered. “I liked that. I may steal that, in fact. You know we’re working on a new album, right?”

“You can only use it if I get songwriting credit and royalties,” I replied, turning around to give him a sweet smile.

Turning to face him was a mistake. He was far, far closer to me than I had realized, and our faces were now only inches apart. It had been months since I had been that close to him. The last time we were together at all was before Layla was even born, I realized. Had it really been that long? It seemed like ages and mere days at the same time. 

But now here he was. Close enough that I could feel his breath on my face, and nearly close enough for his stubble to tickle my cheek. Too close.

“I, umm,” I stuttered out. “I mean. We should get back to work.”

“Yeah,” Zac breathed out. “You’re right. We should… yeah. Work.”

Was he going to kiss me? Had he even thought about it? I couldn’t tell. The look in his eyes was impossible to read, and as soon as I tried, he turned away and slurped loudly on his mocha again. Whatever had just passed between us, it had been fleeting and impossible to define. And now it was over.

In silence we walked out into the hallway. There were some speakers and things we needed to remove from the room that would become the studio so that they could start putting up the soundproofing, and that was what we _should_ have been doing while I was goofing around on the piano. 

We made it a few steps down the hallway before we heard voices. People were always coming and going from the office now that things were really getting underway, but I didn’t quite recognize the voice I heard just then. It was female, and I was practically the only girl who worked there. It could have been Natalie, I supposed. 

But it wasn’t.

We turned the corner together, side by side, and came face to face with Kate. 

“Zachary,” she said, her nose scrunching up like even his name disgusted her. Right then, seeing him with me, I supposed it did. 

“Kate, I—” he began, his mouth moving a bit but no more sound coming out. “I just—I didn’t know you were…”

“I thought I would surprise you and bring the kids by for lunch. They’ve been good today and Shep got through his lesson pretty quickly, so it seemed like a good treat for all of us.” Her tone was measured, almost mechanical as she spoke. It was clear that her plan had been ruined by my sudden appearance. “But now, I think you and I need to have a little talk. I hope you don’t mind if I borrow _my husband_ for a moment?”

The question was directed toward me, though she fixed her gaze somewhere above my head rather than looking me in the eyes. All I could do in response was shake my head.

_This love is be and end all  
This love will be your downfall  
This love is be and end all  
This love will be your downfall  
This love is be and end all  
This love will be your downfall_

I watched as Kate handed Abe off to a sheepish looking Taylor. Shepherd and Junia were old enough to tell that something strange was going on, but they obediently followed Taylor as he promised to show them something really cool in the studio. He gave me a quick pat on the shoulder as we passed, but didn’t speak.

Kate led Zac into a nearby room, and I knew I shouldn’t have tried to eavesdrop but I couldn’t stop myself. I had to know. She obviously hadn’t expected to see me here, and I didn’t like that thought. I didn’t like that thought at all.

“What the hell is she doing here, Zac?” 

“What does it look like she’s doing?” he shot back.

“Getting pretty cozy with you,” Kate replied. “I mean, what is going on here? I don’t know why I’m surprised, though. Moving here… I should have known. I just thought I could keep an eye on you this way.”

“Keep me on a tight leash, you mean.”

“What am I supposed to do?” She asked, her voice cracking just a bit. “I can’t trust you. That’s been proven time and time again. But I thought… I thought this time you really wanted to try to make it work. And then I see you with _her_.”

I had to walk away then. I didn’t need to hear any more. She obviously had no clue I was working for 3CG, and that shouldn’t have surprised me at all. Of course Zac would keep me a secret. But why? It only made us look even more suspicious to know that he couldn’t even tell his wife that he was spending time with the mother of his other child. If we were supposed to just be friends, if he was going to constantly insist upon that… then why act like I was some dirty little secret?

Before I could hear any more of their argument, I wandered away to see where Tay was. He had taken the kids, including Layla, into the studio and was playing a silly little song for them that I had no doubt he was making up as he went along. I could only imagine what Kate would think if she saw that Layla was being allowed to play with Zac’s legitimate children. Sometimes I wondered if her problem was with me, with Layla… or with Zac. At the moment, at least, it seemed to be mostly with Zac.

“Do I need to call the police and report a murder?” Tay asked as casually as possible.

I shook my head. “No, not yet. But at the rate things are going…”

I trailed off then, because I wasn’t sure at all where to go with that statement. I was still too in shock that Zac had kept me a secret to be very coherent. All I knew was that if Kate didn’t kill him, I just might.

Taylor resumed playing for the kids, but the song didn’t get very far before Zac walked into the room and we all went silent. At least Kate wasn’t with him.

“Can we talk now?” I asked, ignoring the way he winced at my words even though my tone was light enough.

I didn’t bother taking him into another room; if we were quiet enough, I didn’t see the need. It wasn’t going to be a long conversation. 

“I’m going to go,” I said softly, stepping in close to him.

“You don’t need to do that,” he replied. “She left. She’s going to come back and get the kids later, but she’s gone for now.”

I shook my head. “I don’t mean I’m leaving for the day. I mean I’m leaving. I’m done. Send my last paycheck in the mail, but I’m not working here any longer.”

“You can’t—you can’t just quit.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “I can. I’m not going to be your dirty little secret here. Ad don’t tell me that’s not what I am—it’s obvious you didn’t tell her I was working here, so by definition that makes me a secret. And you wouldn’t have kept that secret if you didn’t feel guilty about me being here. So you can act like there’s nothing going on, like we’re just friends… but I won’t buy it when you’re doing shit like that and acting as though there’s something we need to hide from your wife. If we’re just friends, and she already knows about Layla, what is there to hide? Can you answer that?”

I paused to catch my breath. Zac didn’t speak at all.

“I didn’t think you had an answer for that,” I continued. “So I’m going to get my things and my daughter, and I’m going to go. We can still do what it takes for her, but I can’t be around you all day like this. You want to be a good husband to Kate, you’re off to a pretty lousy start. So you work on that, and I’ll be off living my life, too.”

He looked like he wanted to protest, but he didn’t. He just lowered his head and nodded sadly. “Yeah. Alright. Just quit your job and run off again. It solved all your problems before, didn’t it?”

“It would have if…” I stared off to the side, where Layla sat with Junia, who was playing with her hair, trying to braid the thick brown curls. I looked back at Zac and tried to muster up all of my resolve. “It can’t make things any worse this time.”

“Yeah, aright,” he said. “See you later, Colby.”

As I pried Layla away from Junia, hoping and praying that it wouldn’t cause any sort of fit to lose her new friend-slash-toy, I tried not to think too much about Zac’s words. He didn’t say goodbye. He knew I couldn’t stay gone, and I knew it, too. But right then, I needed to prove a point and he needed to take that point to heart.

_This love is not what you want  
This heart will never be yours  
This love is be and end all  
This love will be your downfall  
This love is be and end all  
This love will be your downfall_


	54. Coexisting

For nearly a week, I didn’t show my face at 3CG or even speak to a single Hanson—not even Avery. She was busy with her job at the museum, though, so it wasn’t as though we spoke constantly under any circumstances. In any case, I didn’t want to bring her into my drama again. I had gotten a paycheck in the mail signed by Taylor for the few days work I had done, and that was the closest I’d come to communicating with any member of the Hanson family.

Zac hadn’t even tried to text or call me, and I didn’t know what to make of that. I supposed his wife had tightened the reins again. Or perhaps he was taking me seriously and giving me the space I needed. I didn’t know, since there was no communication happening at all. As much as I wanted answers from him, I knew better than to ever _expect_ answers; talking to him wouldn’t have made a difference at all.

Without the emotional rollercoaster of going to 3CG, my days were boring and tedious. I went to work with Layla in tow, came home, cooked, cleaned and did it all again the next day. Other than Layla and the people I interacted with at work, I was really a hermit. If I hadn’t known that talking to babies was good for their development, I would have felt insane for jabbering about music to her as I fed her mashed zucchini and carrots. Sliced pieces of the same sizzled away on the stove for my own dinner, and things were altogether quite peaceful… until my phone began to ring.

I lunged across the counter to grab it; my phone rang so rarely that any time it did, I assumed it was an emergency of some sort. Taylor’s name lit up the screen, and I had no clue what he could possibly want from me. Was something wrong with Zac? My stomach dropped, but I knew I was making myself worried for probably no reason. I would never know if I didn’t just answer the call.

“Hello?” I spoke into the phone after sliding my finger across the screen to answer it.

“Hey, are you busy?”

The hint of nervousness in his voice didn’t make me feel any better. “Well, it’s dinner time. Other than trying not to die of starvation, no. Why? You do realize I don’t work for you any more, right?”

“I refuse to accept that that is the case, actually. You’re just taking some unpaid leave right now,” Taylor replied.

“I’m not coming back to the office, Taylor. You were there. You saw what happened. Even if he hadn’t done anything yet, he obviously planned to. Why else would he have kept my working there a secret from Kate?”

“Because he knew she would freak out about it?” Taylor suggested. “Even if nothing was happening—which I don’t believe, by the way—there’s no way she would have accepted the two of you working together. You’re already tied together by the kid, but if there’s some distant between you, she can pretend there’s a chance he’s still hers.”

“Isn’t he?” I asked. “I mean, they are still married. I’m nothing to him.”

“You’re the mother of his child and the only woman I’ve seen him feel enough for to actually consider leaving Kate for good.”

I leaned heavily against the counter. He wasn’t going to ever leave her, was he? But Taylor knew him better than I did, and if Taylor thought he was…

“Look, I’m not asking you to come back. I’m begging, actually. We need all hands on deck, and you need to be with Zac. I mean… around him. Near him. Not—well, I wouldn’t complain about that either, but I’d prefer if you weren’t doing it behind his wife’s back.”

“As long as she’s his wife, anything we do no matter how innocent, is apparently going to have to be behind her back. And that’s why I _can’t_ work there.”

Taylor sighed. “I hate that you have a point. But look, I’m doing this radio thing with Tinted Windows next week and we could use another tech. You know music, and I know you, so I’m asking you to help out. Zac won’t be there and it will be pretty easy. Just a few hours of work.”

“You had me at ‘Zac won’t be there,’” I replied, causing Taylor to chuckle softly.

“Alright,” he said. “But fair warning—this is just the first step. I’m going to wear you down and get you back to the office.”

“It almost feels like you’re trying to play matchmaker here,” I replied.

“Maybe I am,” he said. “And maybe I’m not. Maybe we’re just really understaffed. Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it okay to come back.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said. “But if you don’t mind, I’m going to go before my dinner is burnt to a crisp. We’ll talk about this radio thing some other time.”

“Alright, see you later.”

I was really beginning to hate how it seemed every Hanson man knew my resolve wouldn’t last all that long.

I stirred my quinoa and stir fry veggies angrily, hating that I had gotten myself into this situation. After so long, a year and a half, I should have been used to it. I should have just accepted that my life was forever going to be a mess because there were Hansons in it. And since my daughter was part Hanson, there was no way I would ever get that family out of my life.

Once my dinner was done cooking, I settled Layla into her playpen, then filled up a plate for myself. I piled it high, but I didn’t care. Who did I have to impress? I didn’t care if I looked like a pig or put on weight. I had just sat down on the couch with my plate when someone began to knock on the door. It seemed I wasn’t going to get a moment of peace that evening. I had only a few guesses as to who it might be at my door, and a sinking suspicion that it was the one of those I wanted to see the least. A quick look through the peephole revealed my guess to be correct, and I groaned before opening the door. But what point was there in resisting him? He was too stubborn for that. 

“Yes?”

“Can I come in?” Zac asked. 

“I’m sure you’re capable of it,” I shot back. “Why should I let you?”

“Look, I didn’t come here to start a fight or anything,” he said. “It’s just that Kate’s out of town, and I had to fend for myself for dinner, but somehow I ended up in your neighborhood instead of finding some restaurant. So, I’m here, and I figured I would pop by and see Layla. That’s all. It’s just a friendly visit.”

“Just like hiring me was so friendly that you had to hide it from your wife.”

“You can at least admit that she wouldn’t have wanted you to work there if she had known,” he said.

“Does she own the label? Is it really up to her?” I asked.

Zac sighed and ran a hand through his hair. I knew he didn’t have a good answer for that. Even the truth didn’t really cut it. Not wanting to argue more in the hallway, I stepped back and motioned for him to come into the room. 

“Since you were looking for dinner, and I can’t cook only enough for one, you might as well help yourself. It’s stir fry.”

“Sounds good,” he said, stepping right into the kitchen like he owned the place and plucking a plate from my dish drainer.

I sat back down on the couch with my own dinner, hoping that I could just feed Zac, let him play with Layla and send him home. If he spent any more time than that in my apartment, it would only complicate things more. Things with him had already proven that they would never stop getting more and more complicated than I ever thought possible.

Moments later, Zac sat down on the couch next to me, a plate in one hand and a soda in the other. He propped his feet up on the coffee table and made himself perfectly at home. I wanted to hate him for it. But even though there would always be a strange edge to our interactions, it didn’t feel wrong to have him here. I had loved the few days we spent together when I was pregnant and then again just after Layla was born. I knew they wouldn’t last, but we had been able to pretend. A part of me wanted that back. It wouldn’t be enough, but maybe for the moment.

“So, what are your plans for the evening?” Zac asked between bites.

“Eat. Watch some TV. Go to bed. Get up and do it all over again. I’m only working a late shift tomorrow, so at least I can sleep in.”

Zac nodded. “What are we watching, then?”

“I’m watching Nashville,” I replied. “I don’t know what you’re watching.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen that show. Is it good?”

I sat my plate down and turned to face Zac. “Seriously, why are you here? What are you trying to accomplish?”

“I just wanted to see you,” he replied, a simple honesty in his voice that I really wanted to believe.

“Me?” I asked. “Or Layla?”

“You. Both of you,” he replied. “I don’t know. What difference does it make?”

“If you just wanted to see her, then you’re still trying to say this is just a friendship between us. And I’m not saying it’s more or even that I want it to be more, but you know how it seems at times. You know that you had to lie to your wife over it, so you’re at least feeling some guilt over this _friendship_. But if you really just wanted to see her… honestly and truly, then I guess perhaps there is nothing between us. If you wanted to see me, though…”

“I did,” he said, cutting off the sentence that I didn’t have an ending for anyway. “I do want to see you. You, Colby. And I don’t know what this is between us. Because you’re right… I guess I did feel guilty. And I didn’t know why, other than the fact that, well, I knew she wouldn’t approve. If that’s just because of our history or because of our present… I don’t know. But I was lonely and I wanted to see you. It’s as simple as that.”

“You know it’s never going to be simple,” I replied, my anger toward him fading and being replaced with resignation.

“I know,” he said, nodding. “But for right now, can we just eat dinner, watch TV and enjoy each other’s company?”

“I suppose that’s not outside the realm of possibility,” I replied. 

The conversation died then and we both ate our dinner in silence. It wasn’t a horribly awkward silence, though. I think I was just too tired of fighting with him to care or notice if it was. It had taken so long and been so hard to get to the point where we could work and coexist together, and I hated that his wife’s suspicion ruined any chance of that peace continuing. Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but it was better than what we’d had in the past.

Once dinner was done and we’d rinsed off the dishes, Zac lifted Layla up out of her playpen and sat her in his lap on the couch. He gave me a big smile as he brushed his fingers through her hair. “How’s our girl been? Is she walking yet?”

“She’s getting very, very close,” I replied. “And then she gets seriously pissed when she can’t do it. She’s stubborn, though, so she’ll get it soon.”

“Stubborn, hmm?” Zac asked, his grin growing even more. “I wonder where she gets that from.”

“I’d say she didn’t stand a chance of _not_ being stubborn with the two of us for parents,” I replied.

“I’d say you’re right,” he said, then patted the spot next to him. “Come on. Isn’t it time for your show? I wanna see what this thing is all about.”

I sat down next to him, but not too close. I couldn’t help noticing that Zac inched closer to me, though. With one arm, he secured Layla’s spot in his lap, and the other rested on the back of the couch behind me. Again, I couldn’t help feeling that it should have been uncomfortable, but it wasn’t. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it felt like exactly where we should have been, but it was pretty close.

The three of us watched the show in comfortable silence. I was so engrossed in it that I didn’t notice that my companions had fallen sleep. During the final commercial break, I stood up to get myself a glass of water, and Layla gurgled a little at the disturbance. Although I don’t think he woke up at all, Zac’s hand curled tightly, protectively around her, and my heart melted. I knew right then that I couldn’t make him leave.

Once the show was over, I took my time getting ready for bed, hoping that Zac or Layla would wake up in the process. Neither of them did. Carefully, I pried Layla from his arms. She sighed and fell back to sleep almost immediately, her head resting on my shoulder. Zac sank further down into the couch, his brow furrowing a bit. The similarity between the two of them was so obvious that it was almost heartbreaking in a strange way. 

With a heavy sigh, I carried Layla into my room and settled her into her crib. I grabbed an extra blanket from my closet and carried it back to the living room, where I placed it over Zac. There were enough pillows on the couch already that I figured he was comfortable enough. A part of me wanted to wake him up and kick him out, but my heart won out, and I just walked away, back to my own bed.


	55. Love

I didn’t have to work until late the next afternoon, so I left my alarm off and allowed myself to sleep in. I slept deeply, not troubled by strange dreams or tossing and turning constantly. With a baby in the apartment, that was a rare sort of night and morning. 

The first thing to disturb me from my sleep was the sound of Layla chattering to herself. Once I became aware of that and began to slowly come back to reality, I realized that my bed was too crowded. It was warm, and the mattress was depressed under the weight of another body. I rolled over and my suspicions were confirmed. Zac had found his way into my bed at some point in the night.

“Wake up,” I said, brushing his hair back so I could see his face, which he’d nearly buried in my pillow. 

“Mmm, do I have to?” He mumbled. “Your bed is so comfortable. I forgot how nice it was.”

“You _need_ to forget how nice it is. God, I should have known you would do something like this.”

“Something like what?” Zac asked.

I pushed my covers back and sat up. “Like this. Making this not friendly. Sleeping my bed when you’re married is _not_ friendly, Zac. You know that. You’re not dumb. You’re the one who always makes this something it shouldn’t be.”

“And what if it should be this? What if the thing I’m doing that’s wrong is staying married to Kate?”

“You don’t mean that,” I said, looking away from him.

The bed shifted as Zac sat up and leaned against me. “What if I do?”

“If you’re just playing out some stupid hypothetical situation, I don’t want to hear it. If you mean it, then we’ll talk.”

He didn’t reply, and that was a good enough answer for me. 

“Now, how about you check your daughter’s diaper while I get some breakfast ready for us? And then you need to get out of here. Be glad I’m at least feeding you again before I send you home.”

“I am glad,” Zac replied. “You know I’ll take whatever I can get from you. We’re kind of the same that way, I guess.”

I ignored that statement, throwing the covers back against him and hurrying out of bed before this conversation could continue. He was right that I was shameless enough to take whatever he would give me. I always had been. I wouldn’t ask him to leave his wife, but I would sleep with him if it was what he wanted. Now he didn’t even seem to want to tell me _what_ he wanted from me. That was all I wanted from him now--some clarity. Fat chance of ever getting that, I was realizing.

Leaving Zac alone in the bedroom, I searched my kitchen for something halfway decent to fix for breakfast. Even when I was upset with him, I couldn’t stop myself from being nice to him, it seemed. I pulled a pack of bacon from the refrigerator, along with a carton of eggs, figuring I couldn’t go wrong with those. 

I had only just gotten the bacon into the pan and sizzling before I heard footsteps coming down the hall and called out, “How do you like your eggs?”

“Scrambled with cheese, if that’s okay,” he replied.

“That’s perfect,” I said, glancing over to see that Zac had Layla on his shoulders. “That’s how I like mine, too.”

Zac smiled. “See, I’m learning more about you already. And what’s the little lady having for breakfast?”

“Cheerios,” I replied, nodding toward the cabinet where I kept those. “She likes the strawberry yogurt covered ones best.”

“Got it,” he said, easing her down into her high chair, then heading for the cabinet I’d indicated. “So, are you really kicking me out after breakfast?”

Without looking up from the bacon I was frying, I replied, “Not like that, no. But I’m asking you to leave.”

“And if I decline?”

“Well, we slept in pretty late, so it won’t be _that_ long before I leave for work. If you’re not out of here by then, I guess I’ll have to take you on your word that you’ll be gone when I get back.”

“And if I say that I’d prefer to stay here and watch Layla so you don’t have to take her to work with you?” Zac asked.

I sighed. “Then I guess I’ll have to ask what you want for dinner tonight.”

“I want you to relax and let me worry about that,” he replied. “You didn’t have to let me stay, but you did. You’ve been there for me, more than you probably know. Let me be here for you for once.”

“I’ll believe that when I see it,” I mumbled, raking the bacon out onto a plate. 

“Just give me time,” he said softly, stepping in next to me and taking an egg from the carton. “I know I’ve been… well, lots of words I shouldn’t say in front of the baby. I know that. And I don’t know what I’m doing right now, but I know I want to do right by you, for once. So just… just let me try.”

“Yeah, okay,” I said, taking the egg from his hand and cracking it into a bowl. 

I knew I was giving in too easily, but I always had. He may not have known me all that well, but he knew that about me. If he was taking advantage of that, I could only blame myself for letting him this time.

We ate a peaceful breakfast together, then he settled into the couch with Layla to watch some cartoons while I got ready for work. I took my time, because I needed the time to think about what the hell the two of us were doing, but I didn’t arrive at any answers. Once again, we were going behind his wife’s back. It didn’t matter how nice he was and how much he framed it as wanting to do what was right by me and Layla. He was cheating and I was letting him. 

And I didn’t see myself stopping it any time soon.

I didn’t let myself get near him as I hurried out to work. I wanted the goodbye kiss I suspected Zac would give me, but I knew I had to resist it. It was only a matter of time before my resolve was entirely gone, but until that moment, I was going to be good. 

After a quick, friendly goodbye, I was out the door and on my way to work. I didn’t dare mention to Tobias that Zac was at my apartment. Even if we hadn’t _done_ anything, it was still wrong. Just like working with him was walking on thin ice, spending so much time alone with him was dangerous and only going to lead to more infidelity. I knew that. But I couldn’t stop it. And I couldn’t stop myself thinking about it all day. 

It was pathetic how quickly I hurried to get home after work. I tried to tell myself that it was because I was worried about how Layla had fared alone with Zac all day, but I knew that wasn’t true. I trusted him to be a good father. The one I didn’t trust was myself. And like I knew I would, I was rushing right back into his arms.

When I walked into the apartment, my nose was immediately assaulted by the smell of Chinese food. Sure enough, the counter was covered in an array of takeout containers, and Zac was—rather unsuccessfully—trying to get Layla to eat some fried rice. 

“And just what’s going on here?” I asked, but I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.

“Found your spare key,” he said with a shrug. “So I took Layla to the park, picked up some fresh clothes for myself because I was started to reek, took a shower and bought dinner. I’d say we had a pretty good day. How about you?”

I shrugged. “It was a day. Some of us actually have to work real jobs.”

“You should have stayed home with us. We had fun. But come on, the food is still warm, I think.”

“Yeah, alright,” I replied, then shuffled off to my bedroom to change into my pajamas. It was a little early for them, but it wasn’t like I had any reason left to try to impress Zac. 

Once I had made myself a little more comfortable, I walked back into the kitchen and plucked an eggroll from one of the boxes. Again, feeling like I had little reason to bother trying to impress Zac, I shoved practically the entire thing in my mouth at once. When I’d finished chewing, I turned to Zac and asked, “So, how long are you actually planning on camping out here? I mean, are we talking ‘I got a change of clothes’ or ‘I packed a suitcase?’”

“Not a suitcase,” he replied, looking a little sheepish. “But I did throw some things in a backpack, so… I could be here a few days, if you’ll have me. It’s here or stuck in an empty apartment until Kate gets back.”

I turned my back to him and picked up a container of fried rice. “So you’re just using me to fill a gap until she gets back?”

“No, I…” he sighed. “I realize it sounded that way, but I didn’t mean it that way at all. You’ve gotta believe me, Colby.”

“Believing you has gotten me into a lot of trouble,” I mumbled between bites.

“I know,” Zac replied, stepping in closer to me and placing a hand on my back. “And I don’t know how to fix that. I mean, I’m still going behind Kate’s back, so I know I’m not trustworthy. But all I want right now is just to spend some time with you. I know it can’t ever be as innocent as I’m making it sound, but it is that simple. I just want to be with you.”

“Be with me how?” I replied, still not looking at him. “I’m not trying to ask for more than you can give. I’m not trying to ask for anything tangible. I just want answers.”

“With you,” he said softly. “I know you said I don’t know you that well, and you’re right. There’s a lot I don’t know about you, but there’s a lot I do know. I know you’ve never denied me, at least not for long, when I want you… when I need you. I know you are incredibly talented and so smart. I know you’re stronger than you ought to have to be, and you’ve been through so much. But you’re still holding things together not because you want to, but because you have to, and I wish I could take some of that burden away for you. And I know… I know you don’t _need_ me the way I need you, because as we’ve already established, you’re so, so strong. But I hope you want me just as much.”

When he stopped speaking, I was completely speechless. What could I say to that? It was the most lucid, heartfelt thing I thought I had ever heard come out of his mouth, and I believed it. I believed every word of it. 

The only way I could respond to such heartfelt words was to spin around, wrap my arms around Zac’s neck and kiss him. He reacted to the kiss immediately, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist and running his tongue along my bottom lip. How long had it been since we had kissed? I didn’t even remember, but it felt like no time at all. The feeling of his lips against mine, his tongue in my mouth, his arms around me… it was so, so familiar and it was right where I always wanted to be. Between his words and the way he kissed me back, I was beginning to believe that Zac felt the same way.

“Colby,” he breathed out, pulling back from the kiss and resting his forehead against mine. “We’re not just friends. We never were.”

“No, I’d say we skipped right past friendship,” I mumbled.

“That’s not what I meant,” he replied, a tiny smirk turning up the corner of his lips. “I mean… this isn’t friendship. You know it isn’t. It’s always been more and it’s always going to be more.”

“More?” I asked softly, almost afraid of what he was implying.

Zac nodded. “You know what I mean. It’s love, Colby. At least it is for me.”

“It is for me, too,” I whispered.


	56. My Downfall, My Muse

_What would I do without your smart mouth?  
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out  
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down  
What's going on in that beautiful mind?  
I'm on your magical mystery ride  
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright_

It seemed we had come to an unspoken agreement after that kiss and the confessions that followed. Wordlessly, we worked in tandem to clear away the leftovers and put Layla down for a nap. It was a little awkward, because I refused to let Zac haul her crib out into the living room, so we found ourselves back in the kitchen, cracking open a bottle of wine Zac had apparently bought.

“Did you know you were going to have something to celebrate?” I asked as he handed me a glass.

“Am I celebrating?” He grinned.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “I don’t know what it means or changes that we admitted that. So what, we love each other? Are we together? No. Can we be together? No. So what does it matter?”

“I thought you wanted answers, not actions.”

I looked down into my glass, then tilted it back and took a long sip. “I guess. But the answers don’t help as much as I thought they would.”

“Can we just enjoy what we have for now?” Zac asked, setting his glass down and stepping closer to me. “I know it isn’t much. Maybe it’s not really anything. But I’m here, and you’re here, and I just… I just want to enjoy this.”

_My head's under water  
But I'm breathing fine  
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind_

He leaned in then and pressed his lips to mine. As always, I was powerless to refuse him. I practically melted into his arms, letting him deepen the kiss as he walked me backward until my legs bumped into the back of the couch.

“Are we really doing this?” I mumbled.

“Why not?” He asked. “What more have we got to lose? What difference does it make _now_?”

“None, I suppose,” I replied. 

And that was it. The decision was made. I let him walk me on to the couch, where he eased himself down on top of me, looking just a little like a predator closing in on its prey. It wasn’t like that, though. It had been tawdry the first few times, just because of the circumstances and lack of privacy, but it wasn’t really. And it certainly wasn’t this time.

Zac’s hands danced up and down my sides, creeping under my shirt, as we kissed slowly. I let my legs wrap around him, pulling him even closer to me until we almost felt like one even though we were still dressed. I had missed this. It had been _months_ , and I could still remember every detail of what it felt like to be with Zac, yet it felt so new at the same time.

Unprompted, he pulled back and yanked his own shirt over his head. I did the same with mine, feeling my cheeks heat up irrationally. The last time he had seen me, I was pregnant and as big as a blimp. I certainly wasn’t in any worse shape now. As if to ease my fears, he leaned down and pressed a kiss just above my breasts, right at the spot where my heart was threatening to beat out of my chest.

_'Cause all of me  
Loves all of you  
Love your curves and all your edges  
All your perfect imperfections  
Give your all to me  
I'll give my all to you  
You're my end and my beginning  
Even when I lose I'm winning  
'Cause I give you all of me  
And you give me all of you_

We shed the rest of our clothes quickly, but it still didn’t feel rushed and lustful. It just felt like where we were meant to be. I let my head fall back against the couch cushions as Zac crawled down into the floor in front of me. I didn’t have to guess where he was going, but I still jumped a little when I felt his hot breath against my thighs, then drifting upward until he nudged my legs further open with his nose.

As soon as his tongue flicked out against me, I saw stars. There weren’t words for how good Zac made me feel or how much I had missed being this close to him. There was a comfortableness to being near him that implied just how close we actually were, in spite of all our problems, but being physically close to him like this meant even more. 

He took his time bringing me over the edge, his tongue moving languidly against me as he thrust one, then two, fingers in and out of me. It was only a pale imitation of what I was aching with anticipation for. 

I was still trembling when Zac crawled back up my body and gave me a sheepish look. “Colby, I don’t—I don’t have a condom.”

“I don’t either,” I replied. Before Zac could pull away, I added, “But I’m back on the pill now, and I can promise you I’m taking it more faithfully than I did before. Not that there was much chance of anything like… you know… happening again but—god, I’m rambling. I’m sorry.”

He chuckled softly. “Are you nervous?”

“A little,” I admitted. “I haven’t… actually been with anyone since the last time with you.”

Zac’s eyes widened a little, but he didn’t say a word. Instead, he just leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of my lips. It was supposed to be calming, I supposed, but it was actually so disarming that I barely realized he’d positioned himself and thrust into me. 

_How many times do I have to tell you  
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too  
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood  
You're my downfall, you're my muse  
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues  
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you_

_My head's under water  
But I'm breathing fine  
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind_

Within seconds I was moaning. Zac’s soft groans and pants harmonized perfectly with my shameless noises. We weren’t perfect, we were hardly even compatible, but when we moved together like that, it was easy to convince myself that we were flawless. 

He nudged one of my legs upward, bending it at the knee, and thrust deeply into me. My other leg wrapped around his, my toes curling. My hands tangled in his hair, longer than I had ever seen it and perfect for burying my fingers in and pulling him down for a sloppy kiss.

_'Cause all of me  
Loves all of you  
Love your curves and all your edges  
All your perfect imperfections  
Give your all to me  
I'll give my all to you  
You're my end and my beginning  
Even when I lose I'm winning  
'Cause I give you all of me  
And you give me all of you_

“Oh, god, Zac!” I sounded pathetic, but I didn’t really care. It had been too damn long and I was too damn close to another orgasm already.

“Colby.” His voice was soft and tender. What he said was simple, but something about it sent me the rest of the way over the edge.

Zac’s arms trembled as he thrust deeply into me. I could tell he was close too by the way he only went deeper and deeper, barely pulling back at all, until finally he just collapsed onto me, his chest heaving. A tiny moan, almost more like a whimper, escaped his mouth, his breath tickling my chest as it did so. 

_Give me all of you  
Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts  
Risking it all, though it's hard_

“I love you, Colby,” he breathed out. 

“I love you, too,” I replied, running my fingers through his hair. 

I’d had no clue how much of a relief it would be to finally say that. I had long ago admitted it to myself, but that wasn’t the same. Maybe saying it sooner would have changed things. Maybe Zac would have understood what I was going through. But maybe it would have complicated things even more. 

“What are we going to do now?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking, even though I know it would ruin the moment.

Zac sighed heavily, but didn’t move any farther than to lift his head to look up at me. “I really don’t know. I mean, you’re not going to kick me out now, right? Because that’s kinda awkward.”

“No,” I replied, chuckling in spite of myself. “I’m not kicking you out. But I mean… how long do you plan on staying here?”

“As long as you’ll have me,” he replied.

“I don’t think that’s really feasible,” I admitted, ducking my head and burying my face in his hair. Even if I had admitted that I loved him, I felt awkward admitting just how deeply those feelings ran and how desperately I wanted to be with him. I would still never make any demands of him, but maybe sharing those feelings were okay if they didn’t come with any expectations.

Zac finally pulled out of me completely and wiggled upward until we were face to face. He leaned down and gave me a soft kiss before speaking again. “I honestly don’t know what we’re going to do now, Colbs. I mean, Kate isn’t going to stay gone forever. I don’t think, anyway.”

“Why did she leave anyway?” I asked.

“Oh, she didn’t _leave_ leave,” Zac replied. “I mean, it was a last minute decision to tag along on this trip with Natalie, and it did come hot on the heels of her discovering that you worked for the label. So yeah, there is a hint of her trying to punish me about it, but she’ll be back.”

“Punishing you by… taking the kids away from you? Isn’t that kind of—“

He put a finger over my lips to cut me off. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but didn’t you try to do the same thing, in a way?”

“No,” I snapped, then closed my eyes and sighed. “Yes. No. I don’t know, Zac. I was trying to spare you, I guess. And yeah, maybe I was trying to save face, too. But it didn’t work out, and god help me, I’m glad it didn’t. I mean… think how little time you’ve spent with Layla, and you two _still_ just have this bond that almost makes me sick. It’s frustrating, yeah, but I can’t imagine what it would be like if either of you hadn’t been allowed to have that. So I’ve learned my lesson, okay?”

“Okay.” He nodded. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair of me to say. Anyway, I know she will be back, but what happens then… I don’t know. All I know is I love you and I can’t deny that. What that means for my marriage… I guess we’ll wait and see. That isn’t the answer you want, is it?”

“Honestly, any answer that involves you saying that you love me is a pretty good answer.”

_'Cause all of me  
Loves all of you  
Love your curves and all your edges  
All your perfect imperfections  
Give your all to me  
I'll give my all to you  
You're my end and my beginning  
Even when I lose I'm winning  
'Cause I give you all of me  
And you give me all of you_

Zac nudged my nose with his, making me giggle. He gave me a gentle kiss, then sighed again. “But it isn’t the best answer I could give you, is it? Sometimes, I swear, I wish you _would_ demand something of me. Because making all these decisions on my own… it isn’t easy.”

“And if I did ask you to leave her? Don’t answer that. I don’t ask that because I’m scared of the answer.”

“I’m scared of it too,” Zac admitted softly. “I think I’ve always been scared of what I feel for you. That probably doesn’t sound like a compliment or what you want to hear, but it’s true. I haven’t felt this way in so long. And never exactly this way, but close enough that I think I always knew what it was, even if I wouldn’t admit it to myself. And god, it scares me shitless.”

“It scares me, too,” I agreed. “I haven’t really been in a lot of relationships and I don’t know… I mean, I guess I have been in love before. Probably a little _too_ in love. And maybe I am now, but at this point, I think I’m in too deep to take it back.”

“Do you hear how romantic we _don’t_ sound right now?” Zac asked, giggling softly.

“Yeah,” I replied. “But look at us. We’re naked on the couch while our illegitimate daughter sleeps in the other room. It’s not much of a love story, is it?”

“Nah, I guess not.” He shrugged, then gave me a crooked grin. “But it’s ours.”

_I give you all of me  
And you give me all of you_


	57. One Day At A Time

For the next four days, Zac stayed at my apartment, and we didn’t talk much more about our future… or even our present. We just fell into a little domestic routine that seemed perfect until I remembered that it was really just a farce. 

Still, we couldn’t resist playing our parts, even on the day that Kate was due to come back and I was supposed to go work for Taylor. We stayed in bed late that morning, just relishing being near each other. After fooling around a bit, we fell asleep again, and didn’t wake up until Zac’s phone buzzed to alert him of a text message.

“It’s you-know-who,” he mumbled. “She just wanted me to know they’re at the airport.”

“Good to know, I suppose.”

He shrugged. “It means I probably shouldn’t stick around here much longer… I should probably be at our house when she gets back.”

“I suppose you should,” I replied. With a little bit of a sigh, I added, “Anyway, I kinda have to get up and go to work soon.”

“Odd time to go to work. In the middle of the day?”

“Actually… I’m helping Tay out with a radio thing for Tinted Windows,” I admitted. Just as I said it, my phone buzzed, and sure enough, it was a text from Taylor reminding me of when and where the appearance was, along with a long list of things he needed me to pick up at 3CG first. “And speak of the devil.”

“You haven’t, actually,” Zac replied. “I thought you weren’t working for us anymore?”

“I’m not,” I said. “I mean, I am. But just for Tay, just today. I don’t know if I should… if it’s a good idea for me to come back to the label.”

Zac sighed, then nodded. With a loud groan, he rolled over and sat up. “Well. If you have to work, you have to work. I guess we should get up.”

“Are you mad?” I asked. “I mean, I get that maybe I should have mentioned that I was helping him out, but what does it _really_ matter? With every other problem we’ve got, is it really that important?”

“No,” he said, standing up and pulling his dirty t-shirt over his head. “I’m not mad. It’s not about that… not really. It’s just, you know, we’re going back to the real world now. Today. And I don’t like it.”

“I don’t either,” I admitted, throwing the covers back and standing up. “But we don’t have a choice, do we?”

“I guess we don’t,” Zac replied. “I’m not sure we ever really did.”

The last few words were mumbled, but I still made them out. I didn’t understand them, though. Not fully. I supposed he was talking about our relationship, and he wasn’t wrong. It was a mess of our own making, but now we were too far in it to ever try to get out or pretend it wasn’t happening. We couldn’t stay in this fantasy world we had created. We had obligations, and in his case, a family. We couldn’t stay here playing pretend for the rest of our lives.

And so, I stood up, and began to get ready to face the day.

****

An hour later, Zac and I had gone our separate ways. We didn’t talk much as he cleaned himself up and gathered up the things he’d scattered around my apartment. His clothes were everywhere, and I was sure that even after he was long gone, I would find traces of him in everything, from the golden brown hairs in my shower to the dirty plates and cups in strange places. Of course, he wasn’t leaving for good, but it felt very final somehow. 

Things had gone so well over the last few days. I wasn’t sure how they had come to such a bittersweet ending, but they had.   
By that afternoon, I seemed to be in a different world entirely. I was back in the fast paced world of the music business, although Zac was nowhere to be seen. Instead, I was tagging along behind Taylor and trying not to look too awestruck when he introduced me to James Iha. I almost succeeded. At least I didn’t drop Taylor’s coffee, since being the designated coffee girl was apparently part of my job for the day.

The whole thing went by quickly enough, though. I wasn’t even sure why I was there. The biggest part of my task for the day was just fetching things and carrying equipment, which really weren’t difficult at all. Who could complain about a job that involved getting to watch Tinted Windows in action, performing live for a radio station?

After the radio show, we headed over to a café where Taylor gave a one on one interview for some artsy magazine. I couldn’t keep up with all the music and arts magazines that seemed to crop up daily in New York. With the rest of the band and entourage gone, Bex and I ate our meals quietly while Taylor chatted with the little hipster guy interviewing him who reminded me way too much of Asher. 

Asher… I didn’t think about him much. Our relationship had been so strange and such a thing of convenience. It was the opposite of my relationship—if one could even call it that—with Zac. The latter shouldn’t have ever been and was potentially ruining everything but neither of us would let it go. Should I have tried harder to stay with Asher rather than keep going back to Zac? I didn’t have an answer for myself. 

I drifted off in my own thoughts for long enough for Taylor to finish the interview. I didn’t even notice that the interviewer had left, but I did notice when Taylor’s wife and kids walked in. He didn’t seem all that surprised to see them, so I assumed them joining us for lunch must have been mentioned at some point when I was dazed and in my own world. 

“Umm, Taylor?” Natalie raised an eyebrow and let her glance flicker to me for a split second before turning back to Taylor. At least I wasn’t the only one surprised.

“Oh, right,” he said. “I figured we’d get a bite to eat after the radio thing. She was helping us out today. Colby, you know Natalie; Natalie, you know—“

“Yes. We’ve met.” Her tone was terse but not as hateful as I might have expected. It could have been worse; I had already dealt with one surprise Hanson wife appearance in the past week. But right then, it felt pretty damn bad. I wondered if his kids could feel the tension, but they all seemed distracted by each trying to tell Taylor about their vacation all at once.  
Taylor cleared his throat, patting his youngest child, who had crawled into his lap, on the head almost mechanically. “Well, anyway, did you eat on the plane? The coffee is good here, if you’re not hungry. I didn’t order for you, because I didn’t know…”

He trailed off, Natalie’s stare obviously expressing that he was an idiot for talking so much. Even I wanted to crawl under the table at the sight of it. “Tay, you’re lucky I trust you, because you are acting _seriously_ guilty right now.”

“You know there is nothing happening here but friendship, but I do seem to recall somebody running off to Kate to gossip the last time I spent some time with this particular friend of mine,” Taylor replied, his tone surprisingly casual and not at all bothered by Natalie’s mood.

“Well, now that you mention it…” She began, her posture softening some as she turned to me. “I spent the whole cab ride here on the phone with Kate, hearing about how she _knows_ Zac wasn’t at their place while she was gone. She’s a smart one, you know. But it wouldn’t take a lot of work to notice the backpack he hadn’t even unpacked yet. And since he wasn’t with Taylor, well…”

I sank down in my seat, wishing I could just crawl under the table and disappear. 

“I’m not judging you for it,” Natalie said. “I don’t know what happened. I don’t care; I don’t want to get involved any more than I already am. I just thought you should know that it’s not a secret, and you two are only making things worse for yourselves.”

“I don’t… I… thanks?” I managed to stutter out. “For the warning or whatever.”

Natalie just shrugged and sat down, snapping her fingers to herd her children. Suddenly, the room felt very, very crowded. I didn’t understand what had just happened, but even though Natalie had issued a somewhat friendly warning, I got the distinct feeling that I was no longer welcome.

Gathering up my purse and keeping my eyes averted from everyone present, I mumbled, “I think—I think I should probably go.”

“Will you at least come by the office later this week or next week?” Taylor asked.

“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “Maybe.”

Before he could resort to begging or his wife make any more strange comments, I stood up and walked out. I had no clue what had just happened at all. All I knew for certain was that things between Zac and I weren’t going to get any easier—but why did I think they would?

****

Later that evening, after I had picked up Layla from Avery, fixed us both a dinner and put her down for a nap, I settled into the couch for a nap of my own. Of course that wasn’t meant to be. I should have known. My phone started ringing from somewhere in the room, and I finally managed to track it down in my purse, which had evidently fallen forgotten by the door when I arrived home.

It was Zac. Of course it was. Once again, my lack of surprise at the awful twists my life took constantly only frustrated me further.

“Hello?” I mumbled enthusiastically into the phone after sliding my finger across the screen to answer the call.

“Hey,” he said. “You actually answered.”

“You actually called,” I shot back, finding it impossible to resist flirting with him, even when I was acutely aware of how much we were ruining our lives.

“I just… I had to get out of the house,” he replied.

“Please tell me you aren’t on your way back over here.”

“No, I’m not,” he chuckled softly. “I’m outside on the little patch of grass and brick that apparently passes as a yard in New York.”

“Hey, you knew what you were getting into when you moved here,” I said. “If you wanted winds and plains and shit, you could have stayed in Oklahoma.”

“But then I wouldn’t have been near you,” he said softly. 

I sighed. “Is that really such a good thing?”

“I think so,” he said. There was a long pause and a loud inhale and I began to suspect that he was smoking again. I had only seen him doing it a few times, but it wasn’t hard to see he was stressed out enough to take it up again. After what felt like forever, he spoke again. “Kate knows I was with you this weekend.”

“Yeah, I know,” I admitted. “Apparently Taylor forgot to mention that his entire family was coming to lunch with us. And for whatever reason, Natalie saw fit to tell me that she had been talking to Kate. I mean, do those two do anything but gossip? I’m sorry, that’s—I shouldn’t have—“

Zac cut me off. “No, it’s fine. Trust me, I could and have said far worse about both of them. Anyway, she knows that I was there. That’s all she knows. I can’t—I don’t know how to tell her—you know, how I feel about you. I don’t think she needs to know. It’s not her damn business.”

“It kind of is, Zac,” I said. “She’s your wife. It’s her business that you’re with me at all, and it’s definitely her business if you… if you love me.”

“When did you get so smart, huh?” Zac teased. “I know you’re going to say that—even though you won’t ask me for it—there’s an easy solution to this situation I’m stuck in. And I know there is. But you know even though it’s easy, it isn’t simple. And right now, I just can’t see any way to make any of this work. I’m just barely hanging on here, Colbs.”

I wanted to tell him that it could be that simple and that he was only creating his own problems, but I knew that was true of myself, too. And there was no reason to fight with him even more. All the fighting just needed to end. I knew that was an impossible goal, but it was what I wanted.

“Go back inside,” I said softly. “Put your cigarette out and go back inside. Just… just try to get through tonight.”

“Yeah, okay. One day at a time, huh?” He sighed.

“Yeah,” I replied. “Goodnight, Zac.”

“Goodnight, Colbs. Love you.”

I whispered the words back, but I was fairly certain he had already ended the call and didn’t hear them. 

One day at a time.


	58. Where Do We Go From Here

It took me a few days to work up the courage to go back to the 3CG office. I had plenty of shifts to work at Sit and Spin, anyway, so it wasn’t like I was hurting for money. But if I had to act like I needed the cash and wasn’t just going back to see Zac again, I would. 

Truthfully, I was a little scared to see him. I didn’t trust him and I didn’t trust myself around him. But most of all, I didn’t trust his wife and what she would do if she began to think she was really going to lose him to me. I didn’t pretend to understand her or her motivations. She was even more of a mystery to me than Zac, but the biggest difference was that she could ruin me. Zac wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt me… I hoped.

Of course I couldn’t stay away forever, though. I never could. A few days later, I headed back to the 3CG office. It was really getting into shape now and was practically bustling with new workers they’d brought in to get things running. The door now bore their logo, though the window was covered with a heavy white shade to keep their privacy. Inside, the smell of fresh paint was thick in the air and people were milling around, so busy that they hardly even noticed my arrival.

“Colby!” Except for Taylor, of course. “It’s about time you came back.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Where’s you-know-who? Is he here?”

“Yeah,” Taylor replied, nodding. “He’s in the studio, setting up his kit. You can head on back there; he won’t mind.”

I wasn’t sure that I believed him that Zac would be fine with my sudden appearance, but I decided it wouldn’t hurt to go in and say hello to him. In general, though, I thought it might be best to keep a little distance. But a few minutes alone couldn’t ruin everything, could it? 

I walked to the back of the office where their studio was located and nudged the door open fully. It hadn’t been shut or locked, so I knew Zac wasn’t recording or anything. He was sitting cross legged in the floor with his back to me, fiddling with the stand for one of his toms, and he didn’t notice my presence at all. Faking a cough to get his attention, I took a few steps closer. 

“Hey,” he mumbled, then actually turned to look at me. “Oh, Colby. Hey! Nobody felt the need to tell me you were coming by today.”

“Last minute decision,” I said, taking a seat beside him. “Can I help?”

Zac shrugged and picked up a fancy, silver electronic cigarette that had been propped up on top of an empty drum box. I gave him a wary look and he shrugged again. “Ike was the one with the no vaping in the studio rule. And Ike’s not here.”

“Since when do you vape anyway?” I asked.

“Since somebody keeps getting onto my case for smoking actual cigarettes,” Zac replied, then took a long drag on the little piece of machinery. He puffed out a cloud of citrus scented smoke before speaking again. “Anyway, this stuff smells good, so she can’t complain. Much.”

I hadn’t wanted to talk about Kate, but now that Zac had mentioned her, I thought about what Taylor had said to me a few days prior. His words had stuck in my mind and I hadn’t been sure what to think about them or how to bring it up with Zac. 

I supposed it was now or never.

“Zac,” I said softly. “Look, umm… Taylor said something the other day that got me thinking, and I was just… have you cheated before? Before me, I mean? Were there other women?”

He nodded softly, then took another puff. “It wasn’t like… something I just did for fun. We were fighting or broken up or something. I always gave myself an excuse, I guess. And it was never an ongoing affair. Just something discrete to… to get it out of my system, I guess. I’m not proud of it.”

“But you would define this as an ongoing affair?” I asked, and he nodded again. “Why now? Why me?”

“Why does anybody fall in love with anybody?” He shot back. 

“If I knew the answer to that, I could have saved us a lot of trouble,” I replied. 

Zac fell silent for a moment, then wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer. “That tattoo on your back. Is that new?”

“Yeah,” I said, letting my head fall against his chest. “I got it at Thanksgiving.”

“Is that what you really think? Or do you just like the quote—it’s from Shakespeare, right?”

“Romeo and Juliet,” I replied. “And you ought to know; you wrote the song. I don’t know if it’s what I think. Maybe. I mean, we can act like admitting we’re in love changes everything, but you know it doesn’t. It doesn’t change a thing.”

“I know,” he said softly. “But what can I do?”

“You know I’ve got an answer for that. But you won’t like it.”

He nodded, then kissed the top of my head. “I know. But Colbs, I… I mean, what do you do when one person wants out and the other wants to save face and insists they can save the marriage?”

“You want out?” I echoed. “You really mean it?”

“I told her last night,” he nearly whispered. “She just ignored it. It’s not like I’ve ever said those exact words before, but they were certainly implied. But I said it and she ignored it. Who knows what she’ll do if I say it again.”

“Maybe she doesn’t think you mean it,” I suggested. “I mean, if you’ve cheated before… and you always go back to her… you think she’ll really believe it? It probably just sounds like an empty threat to her.”

“I guess it does,” Zac replied. “So again, I ask, where do I go from here?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be older and wiser? Why ask me?”

Zac chuckled and kissed the top of my head again. “Sometimes I forget you’re younger than me. Avery’s still my baby sister, you know, and you’re the same age as her. But you’re clearly both grown women, and you… I don’t know. I think you had to grow up too fast, probably. Not in the same way I did, but it makes me forget that you’re younger.”

“My last boyfriend—besides Asher, I mean—was older than you. Maybe it’s a pattern with me.” I didn’t know why I felt the need to admit that, but I did. That was really all Zac needed to know about my stupid affair with my college piano tutor; it hadn’t been _that_ tawdry, but it had clearly been ill advised.

“I usually like older women, too,” Zac replied. With a smirk, he added, “I guess you’re the exception to a lot of my rules.”

“I’m not sure if I should be proud of that or not,” I said.

Zac chuckled, then nudged my chin upward for a kiss. I practically melted into him, happy to have our conversation end on a strangely pleasant note when it hadn’t been a pleasant conversation. But with his lips against mine and his tongue running along my bottom lip, I could forget about any unpleasant conversation in the world. I could forget everything.

He eased me backward, never breaking the kiss, until I was laying on the studio floor underneath him. I ran my hands through his hair then under his shirt. I didn’t know how far he planned to take this, in such a public place, but I wasn’t sure I could say no to whatever he had in mind. However, he broke the kiss only moments later, burying his head in my hair and heaving a sigh.

“You know, I told myself I’d give you a little space since your wife was back in town. So much for that,” I said.

Zac just chuckled into my hair. 

“I should know by now that we can’t stay away from each other, huh?” I continued. 

“That’s putting it mildly,” he mumbled.

Before either of us could say anything else, the studio door opened again. Taylor appeared in the doorway, frozen in mid-step, his eyes wide. 

“Well, I can see a lot of work is getting done in here,” he said. His voice was monotone enough that I couldn’t tell at all how he felt about what he had witnessed.

“Tay, it’s not what—oh hell, just don’t tell Kate or your wife about it.” Zac groaned as he rolled off of me, once again acting so much younger than the nearly thirty year old man he actually was. 

“Yeah, whatever,” Taylor mumbled, then walked back out of the room.

Somehow, I had a feeling I would be able to get to him better than Zac would, and so I stood up and scurried after him. I caught up with him just around the next corner toward their conference room. “Tay, hey—wait up.”

He spun around and raised an eyebrow at me, but didn’t speak.

“Look, I don’t really get why you would even care what you just saw. I mean, okay, we shouldn’t have been doing anything like that in the studio, but…”

“I _don’t_ care,” he replied. “But the more I know about it, the more shit I’ll be in with my wife when this all blows up. And it will blow up. It already is blowing up, if that conversation at lunch the other day is anything to judge by.”

“What the hell was that about anyway?” I asked, figuring it was the only chance I’d have to possibly get answers about that strange encounter.

Taylor shrugged. “Maybe she really was trying to help. She’s honestly not that bad of a gossip, no matter how she seems. Or maybe she was just frustrated after hearing Kate talk about it so she needed to get it off her chest. I don’t know. We didn’t talk about it after you left, actually. I’m glad we didn’t, because I don’t know whose side I would have taken.”

“Why do you even have to take sides?” I asked.

“He’s my brother,” Taylor said. “And he married my wife’s best friend. And I happen to be kind of fond of you, hot mess that you are, too. So I’m being pulled in a lot of directions here and I’m just trying to make the best of it.”

That shut me up. I knew this affair was effecting everyone, but I only knew it in theory. I hadn’t actually stopped to think about what that really meant. 

“Let’s get back to work, huh?” Taylor said, his voice going monotone again. “And I’ll pretend I didn’t see anything. It’s easier for all of us that way.”

I nodded mechanically as Taylor turned away. Once he was gone, I walked back to the studio where Zac was still sitting in the floor working on his drum set like nothing had happened at all. Only the furrowing on his brow suggested that anything at all was wrong, but even that could have just been a side effect of how hard he was working. 

I shouldn’t have sat back down next to him. I should have kept my distance like I said I would. But I rarely did what I should.


	59. Fix Things

I didn’t stop going back to 3CG to help out whenever I had a chance. I didn’t stop spending time with Zac, either, although I did manage to refrain from rolling around in the floor with him. We made no attempt to pretend that we were just friends, but we didn’t fool around on the job. It was an unspoken rule we’d decided upon after being discovered by Taylor, I supposed.

In any case, I didn’t have a lot of time to spend there. Not wanting Zac to hear the songs I’d written about him, I started going back to Tobias’ friend’s studio to record there. After a few days of spending an hour here and an hour there at the studio, I had more than a few demos. One long, late night that had me feeling really guilty for having Layla out so late left me with enough finished songs for an EP, although I couldn’t really see myself putting out an album. Still, I liked feeling accomplished, and I was in a good mood as I walked down the street with Layla strapped to my chest.

I should have known that good mood wouldn’t last long.

My phone rang from somewhere in the depths of my pockets, causing Layla to fuss as I dug around to find it. It was, of course, her father.

“Hello?” 

“Colbs?” He responded, the last letter slurred just enough to make my heart skip a beat, and not in a good way. Between that and the noise in the background of the call, I had a very bad feeling. “Are you busy?”

“Are you sober?” I shot back.

“No, I don’t think I am,” he responded seriously. “S’why I was calling, actually. I don’t think I can go home like this.”

I sighed. I could see clearly where this conversation was going, and there was no need to prolong it. “And you want me to come get you? After I specifically told you that you weren’t allowed to see Layla when you were drunk?”

“I can’t go to Taylor’s. She has spies there.” 

“How drunk _are_ you?” I asked, then sighed again. “Nevermind. Just… where are you?”

After a moment’s pause and some muffled talking in the background, he replied, “The Patriot.” 

“I’ll be there soon,” I replied, then ended the call before he could say anything else.

He knew I couldn’t refuse him, and I knew he was taking advantage of that. Did I let that stop me from hailing the next cab that passed by—because I had no desire to drag a drunken Zac down the streets of Tribeca--and asking the driver to take me to The Patriot? 

No. I did not.

And so, a few short minutes later, I was the subject of quite a few odd stares as I stepped out of the cab, baby on my chest and diaper bag in hand, and scanned the sidewalk in front of the bar for Zac. Luckily, I spotted him quickly, slumped against the building with his vaporizer glued to his lips. Drunk _and_ smoking. Great. That was exactly the sort of memory Layla needed of her father. My only consolation was that she was probably too young to form any memories of this night. It was a small consolation, though.

“Colby!” Zac’s head snapped up and his eyes lit up when he noticed me standing in front of him. A bit of something like shame flashed across his face. “I didn’t know you—I mean, if I had known you had the baby with you…”

“Who else did you have to call, Zac? I’m not just leaving you here. However, you are paying for the cab that is still sitting at the curb waiting for us. I figure we’ll be even then.”

Zac didn’t argue with that, so I nudged him toward the cab. I didn’t really feel a need to be nice to him right then. We climbed into the cab together and I directed the very patient driver to my apartment complex. Neither of us said a word on the drive home, although Layla babbled a few words to Zac. The only intelligible one, as usual, was “Dada.” At least she had learned that much, although a part of me had hoped she wouldn’t recognize him in this state.

A few short minutes later, the cab deposited us in front of my apartment. I tossed the diaper bag to Zac and hurried on in front of him, hardly caring if he kept up with me at all. The more I thought about what he had done, the more upset I was. By the time the door to my apartment had shut behind us, I was positively fuming.

“I realize you didn’t have anyone else to call, but what the _fuck_ makes you think it’s a good idea to ask to come here when you’re like this? You think this is how Layla should see you?” I asked, tossing my purse down on the counter.

“I didn’t really think about that,” he replied.

“Yeah,” I said. “I can tell you didn’t. Did you think about anything other than just getting drunk? And what the hell, anyway? Drunk in the middle of the week?”

He shrugged. After a moment of silence, it was clear I wasn’t going to get another answer out of him. I grabbed the diaper bag and hurried off to my bedroom, where I began getting Layla ready for bed. I’d taken several snacks to the studio with us, so at least I didn’t have to worry about feeding her as well as taking care of her stupid, drunken father. 

Soft footsteps alerted me to his presence, but I didn’t turn around to face him. “Colby, I… I’m sorry about all this. I really just meant to go for a walk. It’s not like I went out plannin’ to get shitfaced. It just happened.”

“So, while you were walking, you tripped and fell into a vat of beer? What?” With Layla safely in her crib, I spun around to look at Zac. “I mean, it doesn’t just happen. It’s a choice to pick up the first bottle, although I’ll grant you that you are clearly too drunk to know when to stop.”

“Yeah, they cut me off,” he mumbled, slumping down onto my bed. “But I mean… I just needed to clear my head, so I went for a walk, and then… well, y’know.”

“I would say this is the opposite of a clear head.”

Zac ran a hand through his hair, letting out a groan. “We had a fight, alright? That’s all. And I had to get away.”

I sat down next to him. “You know that’s the same excuse you gave for why you cheated? And it’s just that—an excuse. You blame her for your bad behavior. And I’m not saying she never does anything wrong, but it doesn’t make the bad things you do as a knee jerk reaction right.” 

“I have a feeling that would have made a lot more sense if I was sober,” Zac slurred. 

I groaned and stood up. “Why am I even trying to talk to you, anyway? Just go to sleep, Zac.”

With the conversation effectively over, I walked into the bathroom. A pair of pajamas lay in the floor and I picked them up; I didn’t really feel like changing in front of Zac right then. Once I had changed, I brushed my teeth and washed off my makeup. I was far past the point of trying to impress Zac. I was probably just a big blur to him right then anyway.

It shouldn’t have surprised me to walk back into my bedroom and find him sprawled across the bed, presumably passed out. His pants, shoes and shirt were in a pile by the foot of the bed, and one long, bare leg stuck out from underneath my comforter. I groaned, which caused him to stir only slightly. Seeing no other option for myself, I climbed into bed, nudging him aside the best that I could to give myself a little bit of space.

“Mmm, Colby,” he mumbled, his voice gravely with sleep already. 

“Don’t even think about it,” I replied, yanking the covers over my body. 

Zac flipped his hair back and opened his eyes. “I wasn’t thinking—what? You think I came here for sex?”

“I don’t know why the hell you came here,” I replied. “Probably because you know I’ll put up with your shit.”

“You? Put up with my shit? You’ve kicked me out almost as many times as my wife has.”

“Don’t compare me to her,” I hissed.

“I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean anything by that,” he said, reaching out to brush back a piece of hair that had fallen out of my ponytail. “Are you mad at me, Colby?”

“Yes,” I replied. “How could I not be? God, do you even see how you only make things worse when you go out and get trashed like this? It’s not going to fix anything. Ever.”

“So what do I do? How _do_ I fix things?”

I inched away from him. “Why do you ask me questions like that?”

“Because it would be so much easier if someone could just tell me what to do. I obviously suck at figuring it out for myself,” he replied, sounding surprisingly lucid. 

“Well, I don’t have any answers for either of us.” I rolled over, not feeling like looking him in the face anymore. I was already far too close to forgiving him when I knew he didn’t deserve it.

“I don’t either,” he said softly, wrapping his arm around me as though he were protecting me. I was too tired to even laugh at how absurd that was, when he was the one I needed protection from. “I don’t either, Colbs.”

I could feel him drifting off to sleep behind me, and I wished I could rest so easily. Most likely, though, he was just passing out, the alcohol lulling him to sleep just as it had dulled the rest of his senses. Could he really rest easily? Without a few drinks, probably not. 

I wanted to have sympathy for him. I really did. And deep down inside, I _did_ feel sorry for Zac. But I was seeing a pattern of behavior here that I couldn’t ignore and pretend that the obvious wasn’t happening. I couldn’t act like his drinking was normal and acceptable. The more and more I saw him drunk, the more I started wonder. The fact that he had such thin, but well-used rationalizations for it only made it worse.

But who was I to tell the man I was addicted to that I thought he had a drinking problem? 

It wasn’t a conversation I relished having. Maybe I would feel different in the morning. Maybe not. I was willing to put it off at least until then, though. In the light of day, maybe I would have answers. Maybe Zac would have answers. Maybe things wouldn’t look so bleak.

Maybe was really all I had to hold onto right then.


	60. Change

I woke up the next morning to the lovely sound of someone puking. Panic set in immediately, until I realized that it couldn’t possibly be Layla, who was gurgling and mumbling to herself just a few feet away in her crib. No, it was Zac. I hadn’t been drunk the night before, so I remembered it all.

While he was still hurling out what sounded like everything he’d ever eaten, I crawled out of bed and pulled Layla from her crib. I settled her into her high chair in the kitchen and found a bottle in the fridge that I’d pumped for her. She would make a mess of it, but it made her happy to try to sip from a small bottle. Once she was settled in with that, I decided I should probably have some breakfast, too. And because I was the pushover that I was, I started cooking something I knew Zac would like. I had seen him hungover enough during the tour to know that fried eggs were his hangover food of choice. He was lucky I had a few eggs that hadn’t gone out of date yet. I put on a pot of coffee, too, knowing that sound would draw him out. Zac insisted he didn’t like it, but he would drink a gallon of it when he was coming off a bender. 

I almost hated that I knew his habits so well and he probably didn’t even remember my middle name or my birthday—which was coming up in just a few days, in fact.

A few minutes later, when I was scraping eggs off the pan and onto a plate, Zac walked into the room. Running a hand through his messy hair, he asked, “What’s for breakfast?”

“Breast milk, applesauce and cheerios for the one without a full set of teeth,” I replied. “Fried eggs, toast and coffee for those of us with.”

Zac scrunched up his nose in disgust, but grabbed a coffee cup from my dish drainer anyway. I held out a plate of eggs and toast to him and he accepted it. I gave him a minute to get seated at the bar and have a few bites before I said anything else.

“Zac,” I began, then waited for him to raise his head. “I don’t know how this is supposed to work…” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean… well, you leave here, you go straight back to her. I know you will. And maybe you’ll lie to her about where you were, maybe you won’t. But you’ll effectively be hers again, until the next time you get pissed off and you run to me or the nearest bar. This pattern… this back and forth… it’s not good. It’s not going to work.”

“Are you finally doing it?” He asked, just a hint of venom in his voice. “Are you asking me for more?”

“Not more… just… different,” I replied. “I’m asking you to change. You can’t keep going on like this. I can’t. We can’t. I just don’t see how any of this is going to work in the long term, and I don’t like to see you destroying yourself like this.”  
I was talking about more than just the affair, but I didn’t know how to say that. I didn’t know how to get him to see that I was worried about _him_. But wasn’t it the sort of thing he had to figure out and want for himself? I didn’t know a lot about addiction, but I knew that much. 

“I’m just… I’m having trouble seeing how to make this work,” I continued. “You keep asking me what to do… and I don’t know, Zac. I really don’t. But what we’re doing right now isn’t it. What you’re doing… isn’t it.”

“I’m not doing anything different than I’ve done all along,” Zac said, his tone quickly turning defensive. “What changed?”

“I guess I did,” I replied, biting into my toast.

He pushed back his plate. “Are you kicking me out, too? Is that what’s happening here?”

“I didn’t say that.” I sat my plate down and turned my attention to helping Layla with her breakfast. “But I just don’t want to feel like I’m the second choice, the one you run to when you fight with her. When you come to me, I wanna feel like it’s because you really want to be with me. And, I’ll say it again because it apparently hasn’t sunk in yet, I don’t want you to come here drunk.”

“It’s really just about the drunk thing, isn’t it?” He asked.

“It’s certainly not _not_ about that.” I sighed. “I mean, do you even know the shape you were in last night? No, because you probably don’t remember it. Or any number of other nights. Or even that one afternoon you came here smelling like a bar—once again, because she pissed you off and you couldn’t cope. Well, I can’t keep being the one you run to just because you can’t cope.”

“Well,” Zac said, standing up. “I don’t know what you want me to say. You’ve obviously made up your mind.”

“I don’t want it to be this way,” I replied. “But until you can find a better way to be… a better way to make this work. I—I love you, but I can’t do this.”

Slamming his coffee cup down like a child throwing a tantrum, Zac nodded. I kept my back turned so he wouldn’t see that I was tearing up. I could hear him walk out of the room and shuffle around in my bedroom. A moment later, I heard his footsteps behind me, then felt his lips on the back of my head. I knew he was trying to break down my defenses, and it nearly worked. But it wasn’t fair.

“Just go,” I said. “Go back to your wife.”

With my back turned, I could only hear, not see, him walk away and out the door. I hadn’t meant to give him an ultimatum, but the longer I talked, the less I could a way out of our situation. All I knew was that if there was a way out, it had to be his doing. Zac had to want to fix this. And right then, I wasn’t so sure that he did.

****

A few hours later, Layla and I were off to the record store. I could have asked Avery to babysit, and probably should have considering the mood I was in, but I didn’t feel like bringing another Hanson into my problems for the day. 

I could tell, from the second I walked in the door, that Tobias sensed my mood. His eyebrows raised and he just stared questioningly at me.

“Don’t ask,” I said, hurrying past him to set Layla up in her playpen in the back. I had taken to leaving it there so that I wouldn’t have to worry too much about her now that she was crawling everywhere and even trying to walk. 

Of course, as soon as I had her settled in and walked back into the store, Tobias spun around and put his hand on his hip. “Well? You know telling me not to ask means I’m going to fucking ask.”

“Yeah, well,” I mumbled. “Same old story—dealing with the sperm donor. And I really thought things were different this time, but he didn’t take long at all to prove me wrong.”

“I don’t even want to know what he did this time, because I don’t need another reason to dislike him.” Tobias hadn’t even met Zac, but he had heard enough about him from me. He was quick to tell me when I thought I was being too hard on him, but just as quick to come to my defense and threaten Zac’s life when he thought I was being mistreated. 

If I told him about Zac telling me he was in love with me and then showing up shitfaced… I didn’t know what Tobias might do.

Tobias’ expression turned even more serious as he eyed me. “Anyway, I don’t know if I should even bring it up, considering the fantastic mood you seem to be in…”

“But?” I put my hand on my hip and glared at him.

“Well, I doubt anything will come of it, but you know… those songs we finished yesterday were really good, and I was looking around online earlier…”

“What. Did. You. Do.”

Tobias gave me a weak smile. “I may have entered your songs in an opening act contest?”

“You may have?” I asked. “What, did your finger just slip and land on the upload button? I mean, either you entered me or you didn’t, and if you did… it was completely without my permission. What the hell?”

“Look, I can withdraw from the contest if you want. But people need to hear your songs, Colbs. And this is an easy way to get out there and be heard. Did I mention you would be opening for Loveless?”

Loveless. I knew that name, because I kept up with the music scene pretty well; I had to, thanks to my job. They were a little more mainstream than I usually listened to, but I’d learned my lesson about judging bands for supposedly being mainstream. They were still at the small venues and festivals level, I was pretty sure. I wouldn’t have to play to a stadium audience, at least. Maybe I could do it…

If I won. Which was a very, very big if.

“What about my job? What about Layla? What about—” I cut myself off before I asked about _him_. What did it matter what Zac thought or did while I was gone? I could survive without him; he could survive without me.

Couldn’t he?

“I’ll be honest, I didn’t really think about Layla… but I mean, I could go with you. You’ll need accompaniment, right? And then you’d have an extra set of hands, an extra babysitter…”

I sighed heavily, then shook my head. “We are getting so far ahead of ourselves. I probably won’t even win.”

“But you might,” Tobias said, nudging me and grinning.

“But I might,” I agreed. His enthusiasm was infectious. “Okay, okay. Just let me see the website or whatever.”

Tobias pulled his iPad out from under the counter and fiddled with it for a moment. He slid it across the counter and sure enough, there was my name and photo on the website for this contest. The photo wasn’t a very new one; I had posed for some photography classes my last semester of college and posted those photos to my Facebook. But Tobias had found an artsy black and white one that made me look interesting and deep. He’d posted a clip of one of my few upbeat songs as the sample. 

And to my surprise… I was in the top five. 

“This is really happening, isn’t it?” I asked. I pressed play on my song just because I could. I had already heard it what felt like a million times.

“It is,” he said. “And I know I shouldn’t have gone behind your back, but I knew you wouldn’t have taken this chance on yourself. But you deserve it. So much.”

There were still two weeks left on the voting, and I knew anything could happen. Maybe I wouldn’t win. I most likely wouldn’t, in fact. But I couldn’t stop the butterflies that were fluttering up in my stomach, and I couldn’t stop my mind from filling with images of what this tour might be like. I thought I didn’t want to tour again… I was wrong. I just didn’t want to tour with Zac.

Zac… what would he think of all this? I had no clue. My first instinct was to call or text him and let him know, but I immediately shot that idea down. After the way we had parted, I couldn’t just call him like nothing had happened.

And just like that, the butterflies were gone and I came crashing back down to earth.


	61. Not-So-Happy Birthday

For the next few days, I did my best to distance myself from Zac, and it seemed that he had chosen to do the same. I understood why I would feel the need to avoid him, but I didn’t understand his motivations for avoiding me at all. Then again, that was nothing new. When had I ever understood why he did the things he did?

It wasn’t like I didn’t have plenty of other things to occupy my mind. I had Layla, of course, who was still the number one priority in my life. And I had my other job at the record store, which admittedly wasn’t that taxing. Since I had come to terms with being in that contest, Tobias and I spent most of our free time behind the counter refreshing the website to see if my position had moved and critiquing all the competition. 

When I walked into the record store a few days later, Tobias was behind the counter as usual. Next to his iPad was a conspicuous little package covered in shiny wrapping paper and half a dozen glittery bows.

“Umm, Tobias?” I asked, poking the package with my finger. “What’s this?”

“This,” he said, looking almost as sheepish as he had when he told me about the contest, “is the official first physical copy of your self-titled EP. And your birthday present.”

“My birth…” I trailed off. I had completely forgotten that today was my birthday. 

Last year, I had spent my birthday wallowing over the fact that I had ruined Avery’s wedding. Tobias had brought cupcakes and a wide array of Chinese food to my apartment—I had called in sick to work even though I wasn’t any sicker than the average pregnant woman—and we had watched dvds all evening but not talked about why I was in such a bad mood. This birthday had completely crept up on me unnoticed. I had been so focused on everything with Zac that I hadn’t thought about just how close my birthday was. The days without Zac just blended together, leaving me standing stupidly in front of Tobias as he handed me a gift for the birthday I had forgotten.

“I know it’s not much,” he said, inching the package toward me. “Especially since this is the big two-five. But I thought you’d like it. We might wanna name it and get some prettier cover art printed before you go on tour, you know.”

“Why are you so convinced I’m going on tour?” I asked, finally snapping back to my senses and walking around to the other side of the counter to clock in.

Tobias shrugged. “Because you deserve it. I don’t know any of these other people’s stories, but you deserve it. Not just because of the music thing, but you deserve to get away. Since he’s moved here, you look like the life’s been sucked out of you, even worse than before he got here. You need to get away from that and live your own life for a while.”

“I don’t think being cooped up in someone else’s tour bus, again, counts as living my own life,” I shot back.

“And I think you’ll be surprised how good it will make you feel.” Tobias just grinned at me.

I decided to drop the issue for the moment, since it was obvious we weren’t getting anywhere. For once, the store was fairly busy, at least for a while. By the time my stomach started rumbling and begging for lunch, things had calmed down a bit. No one was around, so I carried my hot pocket out into the store with me, munching on it as Tobias popped my CD in the store’s stereo system and I got to hear the final mixes of my songs. 

It was real. I had really made an album—an EP, sure, but still an album. 

I was just shoving the last of the hot pocket into my mouth when the bell above the door rang to announce a customer. I rushed to swallow my lunch so I wouldn’t look like a huge pig, but when I looked toward the door, I saw that the customer was actually Taylor.

“Tay?” I mumbled around pepperoni and cheese. 

“His brother?” Tobias mouthed, and I nodded. 

“Hadn’t seen you in a few days,” he said, pulling a package out from behind his back. “So I thought I would deliver your paycheck in person. And these, since a little birdie told me it was your birthday.”

“Would that little birdie happen to be your little brother? I wasn’t aware that he even knew that much about me.”

Taylor chuckled. “No, actually it was Avery. Zac had no clue, because Zac never has any clue. About anything.”

“Truer words,” I replied. “So, what did you get me? Which, by the way, you didn’t _need_ to get me anything.”

“Cupcakes from Magnolia,” he said, setting the box on the counter. “And maybe I didn’t have to, but since it was clear that my idiot brother hadn’t planned anything for you, I figured it was the least I could do. Plus, I wanted to see why you haven’t been around.”

Tobias took a few protective steps toward me, which I would have appreciated under other circumstances, but I wasn’t upset with Taylor. He hadn’t done anything wrong, and I wasn’t even sure how wrong Zac’s actions had been. They hadn’t been good, sure, but they also hadn’t been unusual for him. I should have been used to Zac by now.

“Did you ask your brother why I haven’t been around?” I asked.

“I did, and he claims that he doesn’t know. That you’re just being dramatic.”

I rolled my eyes. Of course he would turn on me now; hadn’t I figured out that was how he worked? He needed someone other than himself to blame for his problems. “Yeah, well, he would say that. I can assure you, I’m not.”

“I wasn’t really inclined to believe him, anyway, since I had to fight through a cloud of vodka fumes to talk to him in the first place,” Taylor replied. 

I sighed. I gave Tobias a quick look that I hoped he would understand as a plea for privacy. He gave me a nod, and I assumed that he understood. Turning back to Tay, I asked, “Do you mind stepping into the back for a sec? I know nobody else is here, but…”

Taylor glanced at Tobias, who stuck his hand out and said, “Tobias Henry. Colby’s partner in crime.”

Taylor raised an eyebrow at that, but I just dismissed the statement with a wave of my hand and a roll of my eyes, hoping Taylor wouldn’t notice that it was actually my voice playing over the store’s PA system. 

“Come on,” I said, motioning toward the back room. “Come around the counter. It’s alright.”

He followed me into the back, and I waited until the door was shut behind us to speak again.

“Do you think Zac… and I know maybe it’s not my place to say anything, but… do you think he has a problem?”

“He has a lot of problems,” Taylor replied with a slight chuckle. “You’re going to have to be more specific than that.”

“No, I mean,” I paused, sighed and ran my hand through my hair. “I mean, like… a drinking problem?”

“We all drink a lot,” Taylor replied. “It’s not a sin. Well, I guess it is. That’s beside the point.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “It just seems like, you know, whenever things don’t go his way, whenever he’s upset or pissed off or whatever… it’s what he turns to. Every time. If I see the pattern, I don’t know how I can be the only one. Maybe because he runs to me when he does it, too.”

Taylor seemed to consider my words for a moment, running a hand across his stubbly chin and furrowing his brow. “I don’t know, Colby. You know, you spend a lot of time with someone, you get used to their flaws and bad habits. Especially when it’s family. You make excuses for it to the point that you don’t even know if it’s wrong anymore. So I don’t know. Have you talked to him about it?”

“I tried to,” I said. “I don’t think I really succeeded. I mean, I know enough to know that he has to be the one to decide he has a problem before anything can change. So what would it even matter if I told him? He’s already upset with me, clearly. He would just take offense if I so much as implied he drank too much.”

“You might be right,” Taylor agreed. With a sigh, he added, “I don’t know what to tell you, or what to tell him. Let whatever he’s angry about blow over and maybe you can talk about it civilly, huh?”

“Yeah, we’ll see,” I mumbled. From where Taylor stood, that probably seemed reasonable, but I knew it wouldn’t be that simple with Zac. Nothing ever was.

Taylor gave me what I was sure was supposed to be a reassuring pat on the arm. “Well, anyway, happy birthday. If you want me to talk to him…”

“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “I don’t think that would fix anything.”

“Alright, if you say so,” Taylor said, taking a few steps toward the door. “But don’t stay away just because he’s being an ass, okay? See you later.”

I mumbled _later_ as he retreated, not bothering to tell him that if it weren’t for Zac, I wouldn’t have much reason to be there in the first place. I don’t think he understood just how much of an ass Zac was. Just like Avery, it was all too easy for him to take his brother’s side, and I didn’t blame him for that. If I had siblings, I would probably be the same.

I stayed in the back until I was reasonably certain Taylor was gone. I could only imagine how awkward any conversation that might have occurred between him and Tobias would be, and I really didn’t want to be a part of that. After a few minutes, I shuffled back into the store, only to see Tobias opening the cupcake box.

“Hey,” I said mock sternly. “You don’t get to eat one of my birthday cupcakes before me.”

He gave me a sheepish smile, closing the box and sliding it toward me. I opened it carefully and surveyed the contents—a half a dozen in a variety of flavors—before plucking out a peanut butter and jelly and taking a bite. It was _glorious_. I hadn’t indulged in one of their cupcakes since Avery’s twenty-second birthday, when she had been too busy with classes to go back to Tulsa and celebrate with family. It was every bit as good as I remembered; there was a reason, besides Sex and the City, that Magnolia Bakery was a New York City staple.

“So,” Tobias said, in between bites of what looked like Devils Food. “What was that all about?”

I shrugged it off. “Same drama, different day. Trying to convince me to come back to the studio, even though Zac is the one throwing a tantrum and acting like I offended him.”

“And did you?” Tobias asked accusingly.

“Probably,” I replied. “But only because I dared to call him out for his shit. So if I hurt his feelings, I’d say he earned it.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Tobias said. “Anyway, he’ll be out of your hair soon enough, huh? I mean, hopefully. If you win this thing, that’ll buy you some time away from him.”

My mouth suddenly felt very dry, and I didn’t think I could blame the cupcake for that. I nodded and mumbled _yeah_ , but I wasn’t as excited about that prospect as Tobias made it seem like I should be. 

Away from Zac… it was where I should want to be, wasn’t it? And at times, like right then, it definitely was where I wanted to be. But then I thought back to how Zac had been just a few days before that, and I wished he could be that guy all the time. If he was, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere but by his side. But it just wasn’t that simple.


	62. The Best News

“Anybody here?” I called out as I walked into 3CG. Someone had to be there, since they had buzzed me in, but the studio was fairly quiet.

I had waited over a week before I decided to show my face there again. Even though he had made no attempt to contact me, I hoped that things with Zac had blown over. For all I knew, he had decided we were over and he really was going to try to work things out with Kate. It was what he claimed she wanted, and it seemed to me that no matter how much he fought with her, he did always go back to her. Why should now be any different?

“Hello?” I said again, walking down the hallway past a few open doors and empty rooms. “Anybody at all?”

I heard some shuffling footsteps and then Zac’s head appeared around the corner. “C-Colby?”

I nodded, my mouth going so dry that I couldn’t speak. Of course I should have expected to see him, but apparently I wasn’t prepared for it. He looked thin, if it was even possible for him to lose any significant weight in two weeks. And he looked older. I wanted to hug him, but I held myself back.

“I didn’t… I didn’t know you were coming by,” Zac said, sounding as breathless as I felt. “But it’s kind of a good thing you did.”

“Why is that?” I eyed him warily, my arms crossed more to keep myself from shaking than for any other reason.

“Will you come in my office so I can show you?”

His voice sounded sincere enough that I nodded and followed him. But I still didn’t quite trust him. After days and days of silence, he suddenly had something to show me? It made no sense. 

I found Zac leaning over his desk, riffling through stacks upon stacks of papers. How his desk had become so messy after just a few weeks in that office, I didn’t understand at all. Finally, he glanced up and seemed to remember I was there, a packet of papers in a manila envelope in his hand.

“What’s that?” I asked.

Rather than speak, he held the packet out, forcing me to step into the room and take it from his hand. I opened it up and pulled out the stapled documents. Upon realizing they were legal documents, my stomach turned. Hadn’t we had enough of the courtroom drama? Then I realized… they were divorce papers.

“You’re… you’re getting a divorce?” I asked breathlessly.

“I filed for it,” Zac said, nodding. “It doesn’t mean she’ll agree to it, at least not without a fight, but I spoke to my lawyer and got him to fly out here so we could hash things out.”

Dumbly, I asked, “Why are you telling me this? Why are you showing me these?”

“Well, because… because…” He stared at me for a moment, looking incredulous. “I mean, isn’t this good? For us? I just thought you would want to know, but apparently I really missed the mark on that one.”

“What, did you do this for me? Because you thought it would make me happy?”

“Well, I didn’t think you would be upset by it,” Zac shot back.

“What the _hell_ , Zac?” I practically screeched. “You can’t do something like that just because you think it’s what I want. And even if it is, that’s no reason to do it. If you’re going to divorce her, do it because it’s really what you want.”

“It is what I want,” he said, his face softening just a little. “It is. You know it is. But I really don’t get why you’re so upset about it when you were talking about how I needed to make a change and how things weren’t working the way they were going.”

I knew that conversation hadn’t gone the way I wanted, but I hadn’t expected this at all. Out of other options, I turned away from Zac and laughed. I was just this side of hysteria, and I had no clue how I was going to explain to Zac what I had really meant with the clumsy ultimatum I’d tried to give him.

“What is your problem, Colby?”

“I’m not the one with a problem,” I said, spinning back around. “I wasn’t asking you to leave your wife. I wasn’t even suggesting it. I was talking about your drinking, Zac. You show up shitfaced every time you fight with her, you spent days drunk after you found out about Layla… every time you have a problem, you sink to the bottom of a bottle. It’s starting to scare me, Zac. If every fight, with her or with me, turns into you running off somewhere to get drunk… I can’t be a part of this. I just can’t.”

“So _that’s_ the change you were talking about,” he said, practically spitting the words out. “You want me to stop drinking. Like you have any more right to ask that of me than you do to ask me to leave Kate?”

“Not to be nitpicky, but I never asked you to do that—you just decided that I had.”

The anger that flashed in his eyes assured me that I really shouldn’t have said that. “What-the-fuck-ever. You’re right when you say you don’t have any right to ask anything of me. Especially when you start talking shit about me having a drinking problem. I mean, really? How many times did I see _you_ drunk during the tour? I’m sure I’d see you drunk now too if you weren’t breastfeeding.”

“You would see me drinking,” I said as calmly as I could. “And you would maybe even see me drunk. I’m sure you have a few times. But you wouldn’t see me using it as a coping mechanism… and one that just makes all my problems worse.”

“Everybody uses it as a coping mechanism, Colby,” Zac replied. “Don’t act like you never have. You’re no better than me.”

I took a few steps back and threw my hands up. “I didn’t come here to debate this with you. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not up for debate. You don’t see it, fine. But I do. And until you do, too… I don’t know where that leaves us.”

“It leaves me wondering why I bothered with this,” Zac replied, shaking the divorce papers.

“See, there you go again,” I said. “You’re either with me or with her, but it’s never really a choice. You’re with who will have you in that moment, until you fuck up and go running back to the other. I’d like to be your choice, Zac. You say you love me, and maybe you do, but I’m not seeing it. I’m just seeing a drunk ping pong ball, bouncing back and forth between two women he claims to love.”

“Claims?” He repeated, his eyes growing wide. “ _Claims_ to love?”

“I’m sorry,” I said, backing further away from him. I’d seen this angry side of him before, and even if I knew that he was only lashing out at me because it was easier than being mad at himself, I couldn’t handle it. “I’m sorry, I should just go. I shouldn’t have come here in the first place.”

“You’re right. You should go.”

Zac’s glare was icy, and that was the final push I needed to just leave. I tried not to cry as I hurried out of the room, but I barely made it a few feet down the hallway before I was sniffling and blinking back heavy tears. 

“Colby?” A voice asked, and I recoiled. After a moment, I realized it wasn’t Zac, but Taylor.

“Yeah, I’m on my way out,” I said, willing my feet to start moving again.

He poked his head out of room he was in and gave me a curious look. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything is about as far from okay as it could possibly be,” I replied, still sniffling. “Go ask your alcoholic-in-denial brother about it. Although he’ll probably just blame it all on me.”

Taylor stepped out of the conference room and leaned against the door frame. “Did you tell him you thought he had a problem? Because you know he won’t take that well. He’s just going to argue that he doesn’t.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t think it would be _that_ big of an argument,” I replied, wrapping my arms around myself. “I knew it wouldn’t give him the push he needed to change, but I thought it might at least give him something to think about. I don’t know what will make him change. I can threaten to leave, but so what? He’s got his wife to fall back on.”

“And that’s his problem, I guess,” Taylor replied. “Maybe it’s a side effect of basically always getting his way, and it’s too late to fix that now. But he’s never going to believe he ever really has anything to lose. He’s never stared down the barrel, you know?”

“And you have?” I asked, raising an eyebrow curiously.

Taylor shrugged. “Finding out your ex-girlfriend is pregnant does tend to make a guy reconsider some of his bad habits, yeah.”

“Yeah, well,” I shrank into myself more, not feeling like pointing out that finding out about _my_ pregnancy had only driven Zac to the bottom of a bottle. “I don’t know what it will take to snap him back to himself. But I’m almost afraid to find out, and I can’t keep trying. I can’t kill myself in hopes of finding whatever that thing is.”

“And no one is asking you to,” Taylor replied, his voice soft. “You do what you need to do to keep yourself safe and sane. Maybe if someone _doesn’t_ cater to Zac’s every whim for once, he’ll wise up. Maybe not. But it can’t hurt.”

It wasn’t much of a reassurance, but it was what I needed for right then. I nodded at Taylor, and he gave me a little pout. He held his arms out, and almost in spite of myself, I stepped in and let him wrap me up in his arms. I didn’t let the hug go on for long; I couldn’t have explained why, because I wasn’t attracted to Taylor like that, but I knew I would feel guilty if Zac had seen us. 

“Thanks,” I said when I pulled away from him. “I don’t know… when I’ll see you again. I know I came back before, but it’s going to be a lot longer this time, I think.”

Taylor nodded. “It’s okay. I understand.”

I turned away from him then, wiped my eyes again, and walked out of the studio. There was no point in lingering any longer or someone else would try to convince me to stay. If that someone were Zac, I didn’t know what I would do. At least I didn’t think there was much of a possibility of _that_ happening, considering how angry he seemed to be with me.

I had made it just a block down the street when my phone began to ring. I groaned in frustration, sure that it was some member of the Hanson family. Once I managed to fish it out of my purse, I saw that it was actually Tobias. 

“Hello?” I asked, after swiping my finger across the screen to answer the call.

“Are you sitting down? God, that’s such a cheesy thing to say. But you need to sit down for this. Or actually, don’t. I don’t mean to get your hopes up but—“

“Oh for fuck’s sake, just spit it out!” I screeched at him.

Tobias chuckled. “Okay, okay. Well, they haven’t _officially_ announced the winner, but the opening act contest…the poll is closed. And you were in first place.”

“No,” I replied almost instinctively.

“Yes,” He said. “And like I said, they haven’t made any official announcement, but you have to have won, right? You weren’t just in first place, either; you were blowing the competition out of the water.”

“I don’t… I don’t know what to say…” I replied breathlessly.

“Say you’ll come get me when my shift ends in about twenty minutes and we’ll go out to dinner to celebrate,” he replied.

Still breathless, I replied, “I’ll have to call Avery and make sure she can watch Layla a little bit longer, but… okay. I’ll be there. Or I’ll call you. Or something.”

“Okay, see ya soon.” The phone beeped to announce that the call had ended before I could say anything else.

I had won. I was going back on tour… and away from Zac. A part of me wanted to run right back to 3CG and tell him about the incredible opportunity I was about to have, but I knew I couldn’t. He would only whine about me leaving or tell me he was glad to see me gone. No matter what he did, it wouldn’t be good. He could ruin even the best news.


	63. Real

It was real. I had won.

Two weeks later, I found myself sitting in an Italian café that was so far out of my price range that it was almost enough to make me cry, waiting for Loveless’s manager to meet me so we could hash out the details of the tour. 

I had been at the small table for only a few minutes, just enough time for my coffee to be delivered, when a tall woman swept into the room and surveyed the crowd. She was obviously looking for someone, and seconds later, she realized that someone was me. She was _gorgeous_. She had a supermodel look to her, with long legs, perfect hair and a stylishly baggy outfit.

“You must be Colby Green,” she said, practically floating down into the seat across from me. “Montana Lewis.” 

“I—umm, yeah,” I stuttered out. “That’s me. Nice to meet you.”

“Have you ordered yet? Just a drink?” She asked, hardly even waiting for me to answer before hailing a waiter and rattling off an order for each of us. Clearing her throat, she turned back to me. “So, maybe this is kind of weird, but the band is busy so they figured I could take care of things. And I know you’re totally indie, so it seemed like a good idea to meet in person. One on one.”

“I guess I just didn’t expect…” I mumbled, feeling stupid for even starting the sentence.

Montana gave a surprisingly good natured laugh. “Yeah, well, I happen to be the lead singer’s wife, too. I got into modeling and acting for music videos and found the background work—like management—even more interesting. So after Declan and I got together, it just made sense to keep things in the family, so to speak.”

 _Just like Hanson,_ I thought to myself, wondering what I had gotten myself into. Forcing a smile, I replied, “I’ve worked with a band like that before. Selling merch.”

“Well, good,” she said, giving me a wide smile. “Then you have touring experience. I know we left it totally up to fan votes, and we weren’t going to go against that, but it is a little scary to think about taking someone who hasn’t toured at all on the road with us. I think the band doing the west coast leg has been at it for a few years.”

“I don’t… I don’t have a van or anything,” I blurted out. I suddenly felt like I didn’t deserve this opportunity at all. “It’s just… it’s just me, and Tobias I guess—he plays piano and guitar, too. And, well… there’s my daughter. I can’t leave her behind. I’m sorry, I don’t think you want to tour with me.”

Montana held her hand up to silence me. “I guess you haven’t done your homework, then. Declan and I have a fourteen month old son, and I wouldn’t dream of touring without him. You can share our bus; it’s just our little family and some of the girls who sell merch. Quieter and baby friendly. Your boyfriend—Tobias, was it?—he can share with us, too.” 

“Oh, no, Tobias isn’t my—” I cut myself off. It didn’t really matter what she thought he was.

“We can make this work,” Montana said, giving me a genuine smile. “I promise. I listened to your music—I really like it. I don’t think there’s anyone else who deserves to be on this tour more than you.”

“I don’t know about that,” I replied, glancing down at the table.

Before we could debate the point further, our food was delivered. She had ordered sandwiches and salads that were absolutely delicious. For several minutes, we were both too occupied by our food to say anything else besides a little small talk. It wasn’t until our plates were cleared that Montana seemed to get back down to business.

There were so many details to consider that I hadn’t thought about, and although Montana—who insisted that I call her Monty—was all business as she leaned over the table to tell me all about the tour, she made me feel at home too. I was overwhelmed but excited.

“Alright,” she said, once the check was paid. “I think we’re all ready! I think you and I are going to have a lot of fun on tour, Colby.”

“I hope—I mean, I think you’re right,” I stuttered out. 

This woman might have been friendlier, but she was every bit as intimidating as the Hanson wives. Dorky, awkward little me didn’t measure up at all—not that this was a competition, but what could someone like her even like about me?

“I’ll see you in three weeks!” She chirped, pulling me into a hug as we both stood to leave.

It was awkward, but she was reassuring. Maybe this tour wouldn’t be so bad. 

We parted ways, and I actually had something like a spring in my step as I walked down the street toward Avery’s to pick up Layla; I had so much nervous energy that I decided to walk rather than catching a bus or a cab. Along the way, I realized that even though I was happy about winning, I was still so unprepared for the tour. I decided I could kill two birds with one stone. There were a few people I knew who could help me prepare for a tour, but only one of them was related to someone I wasn’t speaking to who I still thought out to know about said tour.

I pulled out my phone, looked up his contact and after just a few rings, Taylor answered. “Hello? Colby?”

“Hey, umm, so this is kind of random but if you give me a chance I’ll explain…” I began, already feeling stupid. “It’s just, I was wondering… if you could maybe hook me up with somebody to design some cover art and t-shirts. I don’t really know how much I need…”

“Okay, okay,” Taylor said, chuckling a little. “What do you need all that for? And you _do_ realize I run a record label, right?” 

“Yes, but I can’t ask you to do any of that for me,” I replied. “I have other friends in the business. I mean, really small time indie stuff, but that’s fine. And the thing is… well, I may have recorded some songs. And they may have won a contest. And the contest may have been to open for a pretty big band. So it occurs to me that I may need merch—when they said I could sell some on their merch table, I didn’t mention that I don’t _have_ any.”

Taylor chuckled again. “That is a lot to take in. Wow. Okay. Yeah, I think I can get you some names, phone numbers and emails.”

“That’s great!” I replied. “Sorry, I’m just… it’s a little overwhelming and the tour starts in like a month. Less than a month. There’s so much to do and I am _so_ not prepared for this. I wouldn’t even be doing it if Tobias hadn’t entered me in it, so I really should be bitching at him right now, I guess.”

“You should be _breathing_ right now,” Taylor replied.

I stopped walking and took a few deep breaths. He was right. I was getting myself all worked up again. How was I going to handle the tour if I was panicking already? 

“I don’t mean to get you down or anything, but… have you told you-know-who about this?” Taylor asked.

“Why would I tell him?” I asked. 

There was a pause on the line and for a moment I thought that Taylor had hung up. “Well, because… I mean, I get that you two aren’t talking and you’re not married or anything, but you _are_ family. Something like this, some big change in your life… I don’t know, wouldn’t you want to share it with him?”

“I’m not even going to list all the things he doesn’t share with me,” I replied. “If we were on speaking terms, maybe I would tell him. But the way he acted the last time I saw him? No. He doesn’t need to know.”

“So I guess you didn’t call me in hopes that I would maybe tell him?” Taylor asked and I swore I could hear his self-satisfied smirk.

“I’m not saying I did,” I replied, “but if you _do_ tell him… well, just don’t let me know you did. And don’t let him come after me to bitch or whine or whatever.”

“It’s a deal,” Taylor replied, but I was pretty sure he was still smirking. “I’ll shoot you an email later today or tomorrow, alright? And good luck.”

“Thanks,” I replied.

“Later, Colby.”

The line went dead then, and with that spring in my step renewed, I hurried on to Avery’s apartment. I had been very vague about why I needed her to watch Layla, although knowing that Montana and Declan had a kid—I clearly hadn’t done my research on Loveless—made me think it might not have been a mistake to just bring her along. In any case, I hadn’t had a chance to catch up with Avery for a while, so giving her some time to bond with her niece was the least I could do.

It only took her a few seconds to open the door after I rang the bell. Her eyes lit up, and so did Layla’s, who was crawling up her legs. I was impressed that she managed to answer the door that quickly with my child latched onto her, but I had to remember that Avery came from a big family. She was used to the craziness that came with kids—and a child that mixed mine and Zac’s DNA was about as crazy as possible.

“Hey!” She chirped. “How did the super-secret meeting that you couldn’t tell me about go?”

“It went really, really well,” I replied, following her into the apartment and trying not to fall when Layla latched onto _my_ leg. “And I guess I can tell you about it now. I’m… I’m going back on tour. But this time, as one of the artists.”

“As one of the… what?” Avery slapped my arm when realization hit her. “You’re what?! How?!”

Feeling sheepish, I replied, “It was one of those opening act contest things. I’m, umm, I’m the opening act for Loveless on the east coast leg of their tour.”

“No, you’re not!” Avery cried, sweeping me into her arms. “Colby! That’s great news.”

“Yeah,” I agree. “I guess it is.”

Avery pulled back and eyed me. “Aren’t you happy about this? Why aren’t you happy about this?”

“I am, I am,” I assured her. “It’s just, you know, it’s a lot of work to get ready for it. I only have a few weeks to make myself look like an actual musician, you know? I mean, I am one—but you know, a touring musician. Although your brother is helping me out with that.”

“Zac?” Avery tilted her head to the side.

“God, no,” I said. “Taylor. Who I am sure will tell Zac all about it. But Zac is… I don’t know what he is.”

“Is he in one of his moods again?” Avery asked.

“You could say that. Or you could say he’s probably been on a bender ever since I told him his drinking is getting out of hand.”

Avery’s mouth tightened into a thin line, and I could tell that her instinct was to fight me on Zac’s alcoholic tendencies, just like Taylor had. But she didn’t. She just sighed and shook her head. 

“I’m sorry, forget I said anything about it,” I continued, but my apology was pretty lackluster. From the look on Avery’s face, I could tell she thought so too.

She shrugged and waved a hand dismissively. “It’s fine. Let’s focus on the positive, huh? Tell me about the tour.”

“Okay,” I replied, then gave a nervous laugh, which seemed to be my overall reaction to the tour. 

I let Avery lead me to her couch, where we sat down and Layla proceeded to amuse herself in the floor with one of her teething rings. I took a deep breath and tried to remember everything Montana had told me about the tour. I tried to sound happy about it, too, because in truth I was. I was just wary, as always, that in some way that happiness would be spoiled for me.


	64. Out of Lullabies

_Spin your body around  
Now your feet are gonna hit the ground  
I am going sleepless and you're out of lullabies_

The finer points of touring had been lost on me, dulled and soured by the memories of falling for Zac. But touring _was_ fun, and it didn’t take me long to remember that. It only took two or three shows for a grin to find its way onto my face and become a permanent fixture. We started in Florida, and by the time we made it to Myrtle Beach, I couldn’t imagine anywhere else I would have wanted to be.

We were backstage at the House of Blues, hours before the show was set to start. Tobias and I had done our soundcheck already, and through the walls I could just barely hear Loveless warming up for theirs. 

I hadn’t known their music well before the tour, but I had binged on it in the days and weeks leading up to it and I found that I really liked them. I really liked them as people too; I hadn’t gotten to know the rest of the band all that well, but Monty and Declan were so kind to me and had the sort of perfect little family I didn’t see myself ever having. Monty did everything she could to make me comfortable on their bus and seemed to genuinely enjoy spending time with me. 

We had taken over the green room, spreading baby blankets out on the floor and letting our kids play together. Atticus, her and Declan’s son, was a little older than Layla but they got along well and he was smart enough to know he had to be gentle with her since she was younger and smaller. While they played, Monty and I chatted, and I tried to steer the conversation toward the sort of questions I had been wanting to ask her for days.

“So, umm, this is kind of a big, vague question, but… how do you do it? Touring and everything, I mean.”

Monty gave me a smile. “Well, from a business point of view, it helps that I was in the business first. I had my career, and people respect me for that. They know that if they want to get to the band, they have to go through me.”

I nodded. That was a simple, obvious answer, but it didn’t get to the heart of the issues I had.

“From a personal point of view,” she continued, “I’ve been around since the band was just getting attention, so the fans have had a while to get to know me. I’m not saying they all like me, but it’s not so bad. That said, there was definitely a time that I was about as popular as Taylor Swift was with Harry Styles fans… or Zac Hanson’s wife with his fans.”

I blanched, and Monty just gave me another smile.

“I’m sure you googled us. Well, I googled you, too.” Still smiling, she added, “Don’t worry. I’m not going to judge you for any of that. And I’m not even upset that you didn’t mention any of that when you said you needed to bring your daughter on tour. Although I _do_ understand now why you keep insisting that Tobias isn’t your boyfriend.”

_Honey, honey, honey you're the death of me  
Won't stop holding my hands down  
Baby, baby, baby you'll never let me_

_You've got a dark heart  
You've got a cold kiss_

_You want my love, my love, my love  
You want my love _

I didn’t know what to say. I did feel like I had betrayed her in a way, and I didn’t know the words to say to fix that. After a moment, I lifted my head and nodded. “Yeah. I did… well, you’ve read all the rumors, I guess. I did tour with Hanson, and I did… have an affair with Zac. And Layla is his daughter.”

“But you two aren’t together now?” She asked gently.

“No,” I shook my head. “I’m not even speaking to him right now. It’s all just a big mess. I don’t know what he wants from me, and sometimes I don’t think even he knows. He’s supposedly getting a divorce, but even that turned into a big fight.”

Our conversation was interrupted by the hiccup-y cries that always proceeded one of Layla’s truly loud tantrums. My head snapped around to face her and see what the problem was, and I saw that Atticus had wobbled off with one of her toys, holding it just out of her reach. 

“Atticus!” Montana scolded, but he seemed oblivious.

To my utter surprise, Layla pulled herself up onto her feet and wobbled unsteadily toward him, snatching the stuffed elephant right out of his hands. She immediately collapsed onto the spot where she had stood, clutching the toy close to her chest.

“Well, she showed him, didn’t she?” Monty laughed.

“That was… those were her first steps,” I breathed out. With shaky hands, I pulled out my phone, opened the camera and set it to video. “Layla. You wanna do that for Mommy again? Come here, baby girl.”

With a little more encouragement and cooing from both myself and Montana, Layla finally pulled herself back to her feet, elephant still clutched tightly in her hand, and took a few shaky steps toward me. My camera was on the whole time, capturing it all right up to the moment when Layla plopped down in my lap.

I didn’t even think about my next step before I did it. I flipped through my contacts until I found Zac, and I texted him the video. There were no accompanying words, but I thought he would understand the significance anyway.

“I think I’ve made a big mistake,” I mumbled as I watched the video transfer to the man I wasn’t even speaking to.

“Mama!” Layla cried out, and I wasn’t sure if she was agreeing or disagreeing with me.

Either way, I lowered my head and kissed her on the top of hers. She wrapped her tiny arms around me, as though she really had any clue what was going on. Seconds later, the phone I was still holding in my hand began to ring, and I didn’t even need to look at the screen to know who was calling.

“I, umm, I should probably take this…” I muttered, plucking Layla off my lap and handing her to Montana. “Can you watch her for a sec?”

“Of course,” she replied.

I hurried out of the room, swiping the screen to answer my phone as I went. “Hello?”

“Was that video what I think it was?” Zac asked, sounding almost breathless.

“It was,” I replied. “I just… well, I thought you’d want to know. To see.”

“I do,” he said. There was a long pause before he spoke again. “I wish I could be there. I mean—you know what I mean. To see all her firsts like that. I’ve missed so many of them… with all of my kids, really.”

There was something strange in his voice, and I couldn’t stop myself from asking, “Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” He suddenly sounded defensive.

“I don’t know, I just… nevermind. I just wanted you to see that, and you have, so do we really need to talk more?”

“Is that where we are now? You just send me videos and little updates on how she’s doing but you and I can’t even chat civilly?”

“Why do we need to chat?” I asked. “I don't have anything say to you. And I doubt you have anything to say to me, either. I think you said it all the last time I saw you.”

“So that’s it, then?” Zac asked. “I tell you I love you, I tell you I’m getting divorced… but we’re back to just being co-parents and nothing else?”

“You were the one who wanted it that way in the first place! And you’re the one who acted like the worst thing I could ever do was suggest that you had a problem you might want to get help for. Because god forbid I be worried about you, Zac. But if you’re not worried about you, why should I be?” I was breathless by the time I stopped speaking, and I had to lean against the wall of the random hallway I’d found myself walking down.

Zac heaved a heavy sigh, loud enough to be heard through the phone. “You know, I thought you were reaching out to me. I thought we could make up. Obviously I was wrong.”

“I don’t honestly know why I texted you,” I replied, my voice soft and pitiful sounding. “I just… I just thought you should be able to see that. Regardless of what’s going on between the two of us, you _are_ her father, and I just think you need to remember that.”

“I will never forget that,” he said seriously and soberly—although perhaps the latter wasn’t a good word to use for him. “What do you think I am, Colby? How awful of a human being am I to you?”

I sank to the floor. “I don’t think you’re awful, Zac. This guy who pisses me off and even scares me? This guy I’m worried about? He isn’t you. He isn’t the you I saw when you came to me and told me you loved me. He isn’t the you I see when you’re with Layla. I love you, but I don’t like him. I don’t want you to be him. But I can want all I want—you’re the one who decides what you’re gonna do and who you’re gonna be.”

“I’m the same guy, Colbs,” he said, but his voice wavered ever so slightly. Was I getting through to him? Would it really make a difference if I did?

“Maybe you are,” I conceded. “I don’t know. I don’t know who you are, and you don’t know who I am. I wish we could get along for long enough to get to know each other a little better.”

“I wish we could, too,” he said softly.

I sighed. Tobias rounded the corner and tapped his wrist. I took a quick glance at my phone’s screen and saw that it was definitely getting late. “I hate to end this when it’s actually going pretty well, but I need to get dinner before the show starts. It’s about time to feed Layla, too.”

“Is-is the tour going well?” He asked.

“It is,” I replied, feeling myself smile in spite of myself. “I’d say I’m behaving a lot better than the last time I was on tour, at least. It’s a lot more work, though.”

“But you’re doing a good job, I’m sure,” he said. “Maybe I’ll come see you when the tour rolls back into New York.”

“If you want,” I replied, wondering if he had looked up my music and realized all my songs were about him.

“I do,” Zac replied, and I believed him. There was a brief pause and then he added, “Well, I’ll let you go. Maybe we can talk later, in the next day or so.”

“Maybe,” I said weakly. “Bye, Zac.”

“Bye, Colbs. Love you.”

I didn’t say it back, because I didn’t think I could without my voice breaking or tears welling up in my eyes. I let myself sink the rest of the way into the floor; I knew I had responsibilities to take care of soon, but I needed a moment. Zac had sounded… strange, really. At times, he seemed drunk but at times he sounded like the Zac I really did love, and it all left me more confused than I had ever been before.

_Always turning back to you  
'til you never let me down  
Loving your illusions  
Staring at a crooked crown_

_You always let me down  
You always let me down  
You always let me down_

_You want my love, my love, my love  
You want my love_

_Honey, honey, honey you're the death of me  
Honey, honey, honey will you ever see?_


	65. An Accident

As the tour went on, Zac and I fell into a comfortable routine. Whenever Layla did something of note, which was becoming more and more often, I would send him a text. The conversations that usually followed were polite enough, if distant. It wasn’t perfect, but it was something.

And the tour rolled on.

I had less responsibilities than I’d had when on tour with Hanson; essentially, I just had to show up for my soundcheck and my performance. That gave me a little more freedom to explore the cities we visited, which had all looked basically the same when I’d been to them with Hanson. In Nashville, Tobias and I took Layla out for a walk up and down Music Row with her buckled into her stroller. It was a nice spring day and she seemed to enjoy herself. The whole morning seemed to be going well… until we returned to the hotel, where I realized I had left my cell phone.

Normally, I wouldn’t have thought anything of leaving it behind—no one ever called me anyway. But the phone on my bed was ringing and buzzing incessantly, the noises trying to alert me to what appeared to be dozens of text messages and missed calls. Who could possibly need to reach me that badly? 

I picked up the phone and saw two names repeated over and over again—Taylor and Avery.

The name that didn’t appear was the one that worried me. I didn’t see Zac’s name at all. Just multiple text pleas to call one of them as soon as I possibly could. It frightened me too much to even listen to the voicemails. 

“What’s going on?” Tobias asked. In my haste to answer my phone, I had gotten so wrapped up that I had forgotten he and Layla were in the room at all; he had pulled her out of the stroller and was standing beside me with Layla on his hip.

“I don’t… I don’t know,” I replied, my hands shaking so hard I could barely hold onto the phone. “I think something happened to Zac.”

I opened Avery’s newest text and pressed the button that would call her back. If something really was wrong with Zac, I couldn’t handle waiting for a text reply. The phone only rang a few times before Avery’s breathless voice came on the line.

“Colby? Oh god, I was so worried about you, too. I mean, I know you’re on tour, but you weren’t answering and I--”

“Me too?” I asked. “What do you mean me too? What’s wrong? What happened?”

She sniffled before replying, “It’s Zac. He had a really bad accident. Well, it could have been a lot worse, but it’s just… well, he hasn’t regained consciousness yet. They keep saying that’s because of his alcohol level and not anything that actually happened to him in the wreck, but…”

“What the hell did he _do_?” I practically growled. I knew I shouldn’t take this so personally, but I had lost my parents to a drunk driver, and I thought Zac was smarter—and more considerate—than that.

“He was fine this morning when he left,” she said. “At least, Kate swears he was sober then. He was supposed to go down to Bridgeport and meet with this band he was collaborating with. And then… well, we don’t know. He must have stopped at a liquor store somewhere along the way. The police are looking into that, because he’s going to be arrested as soon as he wakes up. But he ran his truck off the road and clipped a tree. Thank god he didn’t hit anyone else.”

I sank down onto the bed. The newspaper photos of my parents’ crash, which Aunt Sus had done her best to shield me from but ultimately failed, flashed through my mind. Zac was still alive, though. I had to remind myself. He was still alive. For now.

And if he died, it was no one’s fault but his own.

“Is he… I mean, he’s going to be okay? Is that what they’re saying?” I asked.

“His alcohol level was really, really high,” Avery said. “Basically, that alone should have killed him. Add to that the bruises and cuts, and… and… well, he broke his wrist. His left hand. But the doctors all sound so positive that he’ll be fine in time. I don’t know, Colby. I really don’t know.”

Even though I wasn’t sure that he had any idea what was happening, Tobias sat down next to me, Layla supported by one arm, and wrapped his other arm around me. 

“I know… I know…” Avery sniffled and hiccuped, then took a few breaths and composed herself. “I know you’re still on tour and you can’t leave. And Kate would probably kick you out of here anyway, but he’s in St. Vincent’s in Bridgeport. Just so you know.”

I shook my head even though I knew she couldn’t see me. “I can’t… well, I probably could if I asked. But I can’t do that. If—when he wakes up, do you think I could talk to him? If he wants to talk to me.”

“Yeah, sure,” Avery said. There was some shuffling and another voice, and a moment later, she said, “Hey, Tay wants to talk to you for a minute. I’m gonna head back inside. Fans are already starting to gather out here to try to spot one of us.”

“Okay,” I replied. Of course even at a time like this, fans would be hovering, hoping for some little scrap of gossip.

There was some more shuffling, and then Taylor’s voice. “Hey, Colby?”

“Tay,” I replied. “How is he, really? I mean, I know what Avery said but…”

“It’s not good right now,” he admitted. “I don’t know. It’s one thing to treat his injuries and another to treat such a severe case of alcohol poisoning, you know? And they have to do both. But I have to believe he’s going to be okay and it’s just taking a while because he’s a stubborn bastard.”

In spite of myself, I laughed. Under the circumstances, what else could I do? It was either laugh or have a complete nervous breakdown.

“Look, maybe we shouldn’t have even called you,” he said. 

“No!” I replied. “Why would you say that?”

“I mean, he’s going to be fine. He has to be. What good is it to worry you so much when you’re so far away and can’t do anything anyway?”

“I needed to know,” I replied. “I’m not—I’m not _glad_ I know, because I wish it hadn’t happened. But I needed to know, Tay. If something happens, if he’s not okay… at least I can live with that idea, the idea of him being gone, for a while. At least he won’t just be ripped away from me so suddenly.”

“Don’t you dare say anything like that,” Taylor said, and I could have sworn he was crying just by the tone of his voice. “But I think… you were right. I think he has a problem, Colby. And god, I hope this makes him realize it, too.”

I nodded and blinked back several tears of my own. “I hope so, too, Tay. I hope so, too.”

He sniffled. “Well, look, I’m gonna go back inside and see if anything has changed. And either I’ll call or Avery will call you the second anything does, alright?”

“You damn well better,” I replied.

“I will. I swear.”

Our goodbyes were cut short by the squealing siren of an ambulance. I realized then that he and Avery must have taken refuge by the emergency room entrance, and I wondered if it was really that dire. Were the fans already congregating, leaving flowers and starting prayer circles or something? With his fans, I wouldn’t doubt it.

Those thoughts only distracted me for a moment from the seriousness of the situation. When it hit me again, my cell phone fell forgotten into my lap and I began to cry, tears falling heavily from my eyes and down my cheeks. I didn’t even try to wipe them away.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Tobias asked gently, rubbing my back soothingly.

“It’s Zac,” I stuttered out. “He’s a total fucking dumbass, and it might kill him. And I swear to god, I’ve lost enough people because of stupid drunk drivers, and if it happens again… except I can’t blame anyone else. I can’t—I mean, he did it to himself. I would fall in love with a drunk, when a drunk took everything from me, wouldn’t I?”

I could practically hear the wheels in Tobias’ head turning as he tried to interpret my disjointed thoughts. “Did Zac… was he driving drunk? He had an accident?”

I nodded, finally finding the strength to reach up and wipe away my tears so that I could see.

“Is he going to be okay?”

“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I mean, he hasn’t woken up yet, but they kept telling me the doctors were positive. Maybe they were just trying not to worry me. I don’t know, I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Tobias said. “I don’t mean to make light of that, but there’s nothing you can do from here. Thinking about it constantly, even if you’re praying and sending good thoughts and whatever, is actually just going to make you feel worse. You can’t dwell. We’ve still got a few hours before the concert, so why don’t we watch some tv or something? Just relax and get it off our minds.”

I wasn’t sure his logic was sound, but I nodded my head and agreed anyway. Tobias shuffled Layla into my lap; she had somehow managed to drift off even though I was very near to a breakdown. I settled back against the pillows, careful not to disturb her, while Tobias found the remote and turned the television on.

“We’re receiving reports that Zac Hanson, drummer for the well-known band Hanson, has been hospitalized following a car accident early this morning.”

Of course. It would be my luck that the television would already be tuned to E!, ready to supply all the celebrity gossip a person could need.

“Do you want me to change the channel?” Tobias asked.

I shook my head. I was already caught up in it. It was too late to look away.

“Sources suggest that Hanson may have been intoxicated at the time of the accident, but we can’t confirm that yet. The name of the hospital he’s being held in hasn’t been released, nor has the band made a public statement at this time, but rumor has it fans are already gathering at what is believed to be the correct hospital. We’ll have coverage from there on the show tonight, and hopefully an update on his condition. Of course, everyone here at E! News is wishing him a full recovery.”

“Okay,” I said as the reporter disappeared from the screen and was replaced with a different, unrelated story. “You can change the channel now.”

Tobias nodded and flipped through the channels until he landed on some sort of cartoon. Layla was still drifting in and out of sleep, but she seemed to have sensed my distress; her little arms were wrapped around mine like she was trying to hug and comfort me somehow. It worked, until my mind drifted to the thought that her father might be dying, and she was too young to even remember him if he did.

“Do you think it’s worse to lose something before you can remember it or have a ton of memories to dwell on?” I asked Tobias.

“He’s not going to die,” Tobias said. 

“You don’t know that,” I replied. “He’s really good at doing shit just to spite me. And if I don’t get to at least yell at him for being stupid enough to drive drunk, I’m going to be really pissed.” 

Tobias chuckled softly. “At least you haven’t twisted this around to blame yourself for it somehow.”

“Oh, I’m sure Zac will do that for me—if he makes it.”

“Stop talking like that,” Tobias said. 

“I’m not good at being positive about things,” I replied.

As if on cue, Layla curled up closer to me, reminding me that I did have one thing to be positive about. Whatever else happened, I had her. Right then, it wasn’t nearly as much reassurance as it should have been, but it was all I had. Somehow, she and I would get through this, even if we had to do it alone.


	66. Say You'll Stay

_Lie to me  
I don't want to know your history  
I don't want to know a single thing  
Please lie to me_

“Sources say Zac Hanson is still in the hospital recovering from his accident on Tuesday, but he has regained consciousness. Fans have gathered outside the hospital, St. Victor’s in Bridgeport, Connecticut, but the band is still declining interviews and has not actually been seen by any of the fans gathered outside.”

I groaned. Even in the coffee shop near the venue in Charlotte, I couldn’t get away from Zac. The television near the counter where I was waiting for my latte was tuned to E! and they were once again gossiping about Zac. Some celebrity commentator was speculating on whether or not the fact that alcohol played a role in the crash meant that Zac had a problem. Another suggested that he was actually being held in the hospital for treatment not for his injuries, but for his alcohol addiction. 

Thankfully, I had been in contact with Avery every day and I knew the truth. And the truth was that Zac still hadn’t woken up for more than a few minutes, long enough for it to be clear that his alcohol level was still dangerously high and he was in no condition to be released. His body had too much to fight, with bruised ribs, blood loss and more that even a day and a half later, he was still legally drunk.

He was going to survive, at least, but if he did so without any permanent damage, it would be a miracle.

When the barista finally called my name, I grabbed my drink quickly and scurried out of the shop. I didn’t need to hear any more of the stupid gossip. I wasn’t sure how I had held myself together over the last day and a half, but hearing some stupid talking heads discussing whether the father of my child was going to live or die was definitely enough to push me into a full on breakdown.

I hurried back to the venue, knowing I didn’t have long until my soundcheck. When I toured with Hanson, I tended to find back alleys and pathways around the venues where all the assembled fans might not notice me—it didn’t take them long to figure out I was on the tour and start asking me to deliver things to the guys. But this tour wasn’t about me at all, and I felt like basically an unknown, so I didn’t take those precautions.

I should have.

As I rounded the corner by the venue, I could see that the line for the show had grown quite a bit since I had left to get my drink. In fact, it stretched almost all the way to the corner, and several of the girls—although the crowd was more mixed than Hanson’s—seemed very interested in me. I smiled politely, but tried not to draw attention to myself. I made it all the way to the venue’s door before a few girls near the front of the line called out to me by name.

“Hey, Colby!” A girl cried out. “You’re Colby, right?”

I nodded dumbly, too surprised to even process or comment on how silly of a question that was. 

“Well, it’s just, we know you were—I mean, that you know the guys. Hanson. And umm, well… we just wanted to see if you had heard any news about Zac? Besides what they’re saying on tv?”

I shook my head. “No, I… I mean, yes. I do—know him. But all I can tell you is the same as they’ve said on the news. I don’t think the band would want me as their spokesperson.”

“Can you just make sure they know all of us fans are thinking of him right now and praying for him?” Another girl chimed in to ask.

“I—yeah, I can do that,” I stuttered out. 

The girls all thanked me profusely, but I had a feeling one or two of them wanted to continue the conversation. One in particular eyed me closely, and I was sure she didn’t feel so positively about my connection to the band. 

I didn’t stick around long enough to find out. I thanked them for their prayers, then scurried off, assuring them that I had to get back to work. It wasn’t a lie. I was coming very close to being late for my soundcheck—a soundcheck that I wasn’t sure I was going to get through without crying, since all of my songs were about Zac and he had just been pushed right back to the forefront of my mind.

_Say you'll stay  
Even if you plan to go away  
I know you'll come back another day  
Please lie to me_

_Check all of the above  
I'm deaf, dumb, and blindly in love  
I just can't get enough  
Please lie to me_

When I finally escaped from those girls and walked back into the venue, I was in a daze. I kept my head down and ignored everyone around me. Without thinking about what I was doing, I headed straight for the first private bathroom I found and locked myself into it.

And I cried.

I knew Zac’s chances of survival were better than they had been. I knew that he most likely was going to be fine. What I didn’t know was where we would or could go from there. I had left him on a bad note, and I hadn’t forgotten that. But my feelings for him hadn’t changed. If anything, knowing that I might lose him had made them grow. But his feelings for me? In spite of the few good words he’d had for me, I really didn’t know how he felt. His feelings seemed to always be in flux, dictated by his mood and sobriety at any given time.

And I wondered if he even realized that…

This _should_ have been a wake up call, shouldn’t it? I had wished and hoped for him to have one, like I had discussed with Taylor. At the time, I had no clue what that might look like. All I knew was that something had to give. I hadn’t wanted it to be this. But what could be a stronger sign than a near death experience? If this was the push he needed… it was almost worth it.

I didn’t know how long I had been in the bathroom, lost in my thoughts when I heard a knock at the door, followed shortly by Monty’s voice. “Colby? Are you in there?”

“Yeah,” I replied, the word coming out more like a hiccup.

“And do you think you’ll be out any time soon?”

Somewhat muffled, presumably farther away, I heard Declan say, “Tell her we can switch our soundchecks around if she’s not feeling well!”

“Did you catch that?” Monty asked.

“I did,” I replied, standing up and walking the short distance to the door so I didn’t feel like I needed to yell. “It’s not that I’m not… I mean, physically I’m fine.”

“I know,” Montana said softly. “I know, sweetheart. But your phone is ringing, so… I haven’t looked at it, so I don’t know who’s calling, but I imagine it’s probably important.”

_Make me believe  
I'm the only one you've ever loved  
I'm the only one you'll ever touch  
Please lie to me_

_And say you'll stay  
Even if you plan to go away  
I know you'll come back another day  
Please lie to me_

My heart skipped a beat. That was such a cliché phrase, but it was exactly what had happened. I could _feel_ it. The phone call had to be someone in the Hanson family. It had to be news about Zac. Whether it was good or bad news… well, it was in my nature to assume the worst.

Still reluctant to face anyone outside the bathroom, I scurried out with my head down and found my phone in the purse I had abandoned along my way. It wasn’t ringing, but I could see that there was a call. The number wasn’t one I had programmed into my phone and I didn’t recognize the area code. Still, it _had_ to be related to Zac, somehow. With shaky hands, I dialed the number back and hurried back to the bathroom while it rang.

“Hello?” A weak, hoarse voice that I immediately recognized answered.

“Zac… I… you’re awake,” I stuttered out, feeling like an idiot for not being any more articulate than that.

“That’s what they tell me,” he replied. “They also tell me they’ve been keeping in touch with you. And by they I mean my lovely brother and sister Taylor and Avery.”

“They have been,” I admitted.

“So you know what I did.”

I nodded dumbly, then realized he couldn’t see me. “Yes. Yeah. What happened, Zac? I mean… what the _hell_ were you thinking?”

So much for not being angry with him. My anger had seemed to fade quickly, replaced with only concern for his health. But as soon as I heard his voice, and the casual way he talked, that anger came bubbling back the surface.

“Colby, it was an accident—” He began, but I cut him off.

“No,” I said. “No. You chose to drink and drive. Whatever happened after that was your fault, one hundred percent. You don’t walk into a crowded room, swinging a machete and then say it’s an accident when you chop someone’s head off.”

“That’s a horrible analogy.”

“Whatever. The point is, you are old enough and smart enough to know better, damn it.”

After a moment’s pause, he said softly, “I know. I know, Colby.”

“Do you really?” I knew I was being rough on him, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“I’m the one laying in a hospital bed with my hand on a cast and ribs so bruised that every breath I take hurts. So yes, Colby. I know. Now, since you’re so smart, can you remind me why I called you?”

“I really, really don’t know, Zac.” I shifted the phone to my other ear and picked up my long forgotten green tea. “But I have a soundcheck to do.”

“Must be nice,” he mumbled. 

“Whatever.” I sighed. “I’m going to go. But honestly, Zac… I’m glad you’re awake. I’m glad you’re fucking _alive_. You know what it’s like to be you right now, but you’ll never know what it’s like to love you. I wish you did.”

“Yeah, well,” Zac mumbled. “Have a good show.”

His voice was so monotone that I was fairly certain he didn’t mean it, and he obviously had no interest in anything else I had said to him. So that was it. That was the end of the conversation… and maybe the end of us.

“Goodbye, Zac.”

He didn’t reply.

_Check all of the above  
I'm deaf, dumb, and blindly in love  
I just can't get enough  
Please lie to me_

_Check all of the above  
Everything's not black and white  
I'm in between the dark and light  
So lie to me_

Somehow, I made it through soundcheck, although it was a blur. I ignored everyone around me as much as possible, feeling like I was in a daze. I had been so worried about Zac, but it seemed like I didn’t need to be. He was convinced he was just fine, and wasn’t going to see reason.

So much for a wake up call.

When it was finally time for me to go onstage, I felt my worst stage fright of the whole tour, perhaps of my entire life. It occurred to me, after talking to those fans earlier, that they all knew who I was. Everyone knew who I was and my connection to Zac. They could probably even see that all of my songs were about him. Did he see it too? Probably not. And he was the only person who needed to. 

“Hey,” Tobias said softly, nudging me toward the stage. “Everything okay?”

“Nothing’s okay,” I mumbled. 

“You get to play a concert to a sold out audience who I guarantee will be hanging on your every word. What could be wrong?”

“Yeah, they’ll be hanging on, trying to figure out which parts are about Zac Hanson. You know, father of my child? Alcoholic asshole who doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal that he nearly killed himself? That guy?”

Tobias leaned against me. “Look, I get it. I know it’s depressing, but… what can you do about it from here? Nothing. But what you can do is go out there and put on a good show. We’ll be home in two weeks and then you can worry about the rest.”

I wasn’t sure that it was sound advice, but it was the best that I had right then. I took a deep breath, then stepped out onto the stage, prepared to sing like my life depended on it. I only wished that Zac could hear me.

_Check all of the above  
All of the above  
Please lie to me_

_Check all of the above  
If everything's not Xs and Os  
I'd rather never know  
Please lie to me_

_Check all of the above  
All of the above  
Please lie to me_


	67. Home

The rest of the tour went by in a blur. Not a single detail of it stuck in my memory; all I could say for sure was that somehow I had survived it. The day and a half wait to hear if Zac would live and be okay had seemed to last forever. Now that I knew he was fine physically if not mentally or emotionally, time seemed to go into warp drive… bringing me right back to New York, where I knew eventually I would have stop ignoring him and someday face him again.

I took a few days off to just sleep and recover from the tour, and Joey was fine with that. Even with all of my other career moves, it seemed I was always going to go right back to Sit and Spin; more than any other place, it was my home. And I couldn’t stay away from home for that long. Once I felt somewhat recovered and ready to face the world again, I gave Joey a call and he put me back on the schedule.

My heart actually fluttered when I opened the door to the record store and heard the familiar tinkle of the bell. Definitely home. My heart fluttered again when I actually glanced around me and saw Tobias, Joey and not one, not two, but _three_ members of the Hanson family—Avery, Taylor… and Zac.

“What the hell?” I blurted out, instinctively pulling Layla closer to my chest. 

“You really do curse a lot in front of the baby,” Avery said, giggling a little.

“Is that really the biggest problem here right now?” I shot back. Not even bothering to look his way or address him personally, I nodded toward Zac and asked, “What is _he_ doing here?”

“ _He_ wanted to see you. And his—my—daughter,” Zac replied. He took a step toward me and I took a step back. “Would you stop being so fucking melodramatic and ridiculous? I am not _dangerous_ , Colby.”

“Really? Aren’t you? Or did I just imagine you driving drunk?”

He reached out and grabbed my elbow almost forcefully. “Can we not do this in the middle of the store? In the middle of your welcome home party?”

“Is that… is that what this is?” 

“Yup,” Tobias replied. “And a little bit mine, too, but you’re the star of the show. And well… when Zac stopped by all on his own to see if you were back yet, I may have invited him. Sorry.”

“We’ll deal with that later,” I replied, giving Tobias a quick glare. My anger was fading quickly, though, and when I turned back to Zac, all I could do was sigh. “Okay. Fine. We can go in the back. And umm… thanks for the party, guys.”

I wriggled free of Zac’s grasp, but led him into the back room, handing Layla off to Avery along the way. Just a few months ago, I had stood in that room and asked Taylor if he thought Zac had a drinking problem. Now I stood in it with Zac, and looked him over for the first time. He looked like hell. There were freshly healed cuts on his face, a few faded greenish bruises and heavy bags under his eyes. He stood stiffly, no doubt still feeling those bruised ribs, and I could only imagine what he looked like under his clothes. And his wrist… his left wrist was enclosed in a thick blue cast. How had I missed that? In spite of myself, I felt a few tears welling up in my eyes, and I blinked them away.

“Colby,” Zac said softly. “I’m sorry…. I know our last phone call didn’t go that well.”

“And it took you two weeks, almost three, to figure that out?”

“No,” he replied. “Well, kind of. I’ll admit, I was really pissed at you. Everybody else was doting on me, and you just… weren’t. No, there you were, blaming me and yelling at me and—”

I held a hand up to stop him. “It _was_ your fault, Zac. In case you’ve forgotten, a drunk driver killed my parents, so it’s really, really hard for me to have any sympathy for what you did to yourself. I’m only glad it was you and not someone else’s family. But it could have been _my_ family again, Zac. You could have killed someone, yourself or both… and it’s like you don’t even care.”

“I do care,” Zac said. He paused and rubbed his cast. I wondered if it itched or if he felt some sort of phantom pain. Still holding his wrist, he continued, “You’re right, Colby. And once I remembered what happened to your parents… well, I understood why you don’t have patience or sympathy for me. And you shouldn’t. Nobody should.”

“But being too harsh with you isn’t fixing anything either,” I replied. 

Zac shrugged. “I don’t know what would fix things. Nothing that you or anyone else can do. No one but me.”

“So what are you saying?” I asked. I wanted to ask if he had finally realized I was right, but I didn’t dare push him too far.

“I’m saying that… look, do you know how badly I fucked up my wrist, Colbs? I don’t even know… I mean, the doctors are all so fucking peppy and positive all the time, so who knows if they’re lying to me, you know? They just keep talking about all this rehab and recovery time and how we just have to take it a day at a time. I know what they mean, Colby. They don’t _know_ if I’ll be able to play again. Or if I can, will it be the same? And it’s my left hand, you know? I made a point of learning to drum left handed, I set my kit up to favor that hand… what if I have to switch it around and learn it all over again? Assuming I even get the strength and flexibility back to play at all.”

I stared blankly at him. I had known, of course, that a wrist injury was bad for a drummer. But seeing Zac there, all sad eyes and cracking voice, telling me that he might not play again… I teared up again and this time I didn’t try to fight it.

“This is my life, you know?” Zac said. “I mean, my music. And yeah, I’ve got you… and the kids… and you guys are my life, too, but what the _hell_ am I supposed to do to support you if I can’t play?”

“Because your monetary support is all that matters?” I asked, trying to be as gentle as possible.

“No, but… what if you couldn’t sing anymore? Or play your violin? You wouldn’t be you, Colby. And I won’t be me if I’m not a drummer.”

“You will be,” I replied. “You’ll be Zac. Father of my child. Snarky bastard.”

“Alcoholic,” he added.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Not this time,” he replied. “But you said it before, and the longer I laid in that bad, listening to that stupid heart monitor and not getting up to piss… I realized you were right. Why did I even get drunk that day? I didn’t have a reason. Sure, I use it was a coping mechanism, too, and I’m not wrong that a lot of people do. But I can turn anything into a reason to get drunk. And that day… I don’t know, I think it was missing you or not wanting to get out of bed so early and being pissy or… just nothing at all. And that’s when you know you have a problem, isn’t it? When you get drunk just to stay drunk. Just to not be sober.”

Not knowing what else to do, I stepped in and wrapped my arms around Zac—loosely, because I was sure he still ached. He gave a soft groan, but enclosed me in his arms, too. For a long time, we just stood there like that, just holding each other. I wasn’t really even sure which one of us was holding the other one up. Maybe we were holding each other up. Maybe it didn’t matter.

Finally, Zac mumbled into my hair, “I do have a problem, Colbs. I think… I think you’re right. I’m an alcoholic.”

I leaned up and kissed his cheek. “And that doesn’t take the responsibility for what you did away from you… but it is a disease, you know. So I guess I’m saying, just… just don’t beat yourself up.”

“I think I did that already, actually,” he joked, pointing to the slightly swollen and greenish-pinkish bruise under his right eye. 

I laughed a little in spite of myself. “You do kinda look like hell.”

“And you look beautiful,” Zac replied. “Did you get prettier while I was gone or did I just learn to appreciate you more?”

“Both?” I suggested, grinning.

“God, I love you, Colby,” Zac said, pulling me closer to him again and kissing the top of my head. “You don’t put up with my shit, and I think I need that. I really do.”

“I could probably say the same about you.”

“Maybe,” he replied, then pulled back and gave me a serious look. “So, listen, I’m… I’m going into rehab in a couple days. Tuesday, actually. I think I really need to do this.”

“Really? I mean, I think you need to, I guess I just… I didn’t think you would think so.”

Zac nodded. “I mean, I know a lot of people are worse than I am, but it just felt like everything was slipping away from me… you, Layla, even my music, my career, my whole life. And I can’t blame anyone but myself… and my drinking. So I do think I need to do this.”

“Okay,” I said. “I notice one thing missing from your list, though.”

“Kate?” Zac asked, and I nodded. “The divorce is going to be finalized two days after I go into rehab. You’d have known that already if we’d talked more lately… even before the wreck.”

“I’m sorry.” I ducked my head. “I guess I was kind of a bitch about it all. It was just hard to believe you weren’t just doing it because you thought I wanted it and not because it was what _you_ wanted.”

“What I want is to be with you and be happy and not feel like I have to drink to drown all the memories and mistakes.”

I smiled. “Then I think… I think once you’re out of rehab and you’re clean… you can have all the rest of that.”

“Yeah?” Zac asked, his eyes wide and full of hope. “You think… I’m not gonna ask you to promise me anything, Colbs. You never asked anything like that of me. But you know you just gave me another reason to work really hard while I’m gone, right?”

“Whatever you need to stay motivated,” I replied. 

“I think right now I need to go back out and join the party. And so do you, since you’re the guest of honor.”

He held his good hand out to me, and I accepted it. Hand in hand, we walked back out into the store. Once we were out from behind the counter and everyone saw our joined hands, it seemed like all eyes were on us. I just smiled and rolled my eyes. We hadn’t made any big declarations or plans about our relationship, but we had without a doubt turned a corner.

What was around that corner… I didn’t quite know yet. It could be bad. It could be good. It could be the same cycle all over again. But at least for the time being, it was a change.


	68. Music Lives

“Colby! You guys made it!” Montana called out, clapping her hands together and standing up from the bar to hurry toward us.

A few weeks had passed, and Loveless was back in New York for the first time since the tour, playing an almost festival-like show with several other bands. I wasn’t on the bill, but Tobias and I had decided to come to support them anyway. We showed up early so the kids could have a little play date, and Layla was straining against the Bjorn, trying to practically claw her way out and into “Auntie Monty’s” arms as soon as she saw her.

“Alright, alright,” I said, helping Monty pull Layla out of the carrier. “How are you guys doing?”

“How are _you_?” She shot back. 

We had kept in touch via social media, so she knew what was going on in mine and Zac’s life. I didn’t really like to talk about it, especially since Zac had been all over the tabloids lately and my name seemed to pop up more and more since the tour, but I appreciated her concern. 

With a dismissive shrug, I replied, “I’ll survive. I’m not the one who really needs to be worried about, you know? I mean… I’m just here. All I can do is wait.”

“But you’re a part of his recovery and his success,” Montana said. A little softer, she added, “It’s not my place to talk much about it, but Connor had a rough time a few years ago. And it took Declan a while to realize that while he can enable him or support him, he can’t be responsible for his brother’s sobriety. That’s on Connor, but it still took his family—all of us, even his band family—to help him get clean and stay clean.”

I nodded. I hadn’t known that about Connor; I really hadn’t gotten close to any of the band members during the tour, just Montana. She had a point, though, and though I knew I was sometimes too harsh with Zac, I hoped he understood that I only did it out of love.

“Anyway,” Montana said. “Enough about that depressing stuff. Let’s get the kids settled in; the show starts pretty soon. I’ve got an extra set of headphones if you didn’t bring any for Layla.”

“Tobias wouldn’t let me out of the apartment without them,” I replied.

Montana led the way down a hallway to the green room where Atticus was already surrounded by toys and seemingly having a ball. Layla, now sturdier on her feet, took off toward him as soon as Montana set her down. 

A few minutes later, once the kids were engrossed in playing with a big set of blocks, the band filtered in and things started to get crowded—and exciting. I wasn’t ready to go back on tour any time soon, but it did highlight how much I enjoyed being around musicians and live music. It just made me feel more alive, and even Montana commented knowingly on how I seemed to have lit up from the inside as soon as the first band hit the stage.

We bounced Layla around and danced with her, safely protected by her headphones but still enjoying the music, all through the show. If I had lit up, she was positively glowing. She was definitely her father’s daughter—and her mother’s, too, I supposed. Music lived in her.

As happy as that made me, I couldn’t help but worry about Zac. Would he be able to play again? If he could, would he be on a learning curve that would frustrate him and convince him it wasn’t worth it? I hoped not. I hoped that his love for music, his _need_ for it, would push him through whatever stood in his way, but I just didn’t know. By that point, we hadn’t been able to talk much as a condition of his rehab. I didn’t like it, but I understood that this was something personal and private for him right now.

But I couldn’t let any of that bring me down right then. I was there to have fun, and for the most part, I was.

When the show began to wind down, we made our way to the front of the venue where the merch booths were set up. I wanted to pick up a CD from one of the newer bands there who I hadn’t heard before but quite liked, and I knew Montana had headed that way a few minutes ago. Sure enough, I found her at the Loveless booth, chatting happily with some girls I assumed were fans of the band. I felt a little pang of jealousy; I knew I would never be able to talk to Hanson fans so easily and I doubted any of them would ever accept me so readily either. Ultimately, their opinion of me didn’t matter, I knew, but it still bothered me. It was my own fault, though; no matter how unpopular his wife might have been with the fans, I couldn’t expect anyone to take kindly to the other woman, either. 

“Colby, hey!” Monty called out, pulling me out of my depressing thoughts once again.

“Hey!” I replied, holding Layla a little tighter—I hadn’t trusted her to walk through the crowd but hadn’t taken the time to put the Bjorn back on either—and joining Monty behind the merch booth. “The show was really great. I’m glad you guys came out here so I could see a full show when I wasn’t trying to decompress from my own.”

“Well, you know you’re welcome any time we’re here. I think I can speak for the band on that, at least.”

“Oh, you were the opening act contest winner, weren’t you?” One of the fans cut in to ask.

“Yes, she was,” said some random guy who had just walked up. He had a definite hipster look to him, with his blue black dyed hair but he wore something of a suit with a vintage band tee underneath. “Jamie Gardner, EL Records. I caught your set at Irving, but I didn’t get a chance to chat with you.”

“With… with me?” I glanced at Tobias and Montana for some sort of explanation, but both just shrugged.

The guy, apparently named James, nodded. “Don’t get me wrong—Loveless is good. But I’m digging the acoustic girl singer thing. Very 90’s. I’d love to play the higher-ups your EP and maybe get you in the office…”

I shook my head, feeling dazed. “I don’t… I don’t think I’m really interested.”

“Hey, I know we’re just a small label, but we’ve been looking for someone just like you.”

“N-no, I…” I shook my head again. “I really need to focus on my daughter right now, and my—my relationship with her father.”

He smiled and nodded knowingly. “I can appreciate that, but take my card in case you change your mind. The offer won’t last forever.”

I took his card, but still shook my head in disbelief as he said goodbye to us all and walked away. Once he was gone, I looked at Tobias and Monty again and asked, “Did that really just happen?”

“It did,” Tobias replied. “And did you really just turn it down?”

I stared at him. “You know I can’t… I mean, there’s no guarantee I would even get signed anyway, but I just can’t. That’s not where my life needs to go right now. Fame? Being even more in the public eye? No thank you.”

“So you’re happy just to work in a store and only be known as you-know-who’s woman?”

“Is that so bad?” I asked. “I love music. I don’t love fame. So what if I just want a quiet life? I can’t handle the drama. That doesn’t mean I’m just settling for being with Zac or whatever.”

Tobias sighed. “I didn’t mean it to sound that negative. I know you could never just be somebody’s passive little housewife. I don’t mean it like that. I just don’t want you to miss out on something good because you feel like you need to sit here waiting on him.”

“But I do need to,” I replied softly, nudging Tobias away from the merch booth where we might not be overheard. At least the fans had wandered away when the label guy started talking to me. “I’m going to be with him, alright? At least, that’s the plan right now, and it seems to be what he wants, too. And I have to give him time to get clean. So yes, I do need to wait.”

He nodded a little. “I guess I just want to make sure that you’re happy with your choices. That’s all.”

“I am,” I replied. “It’s not easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not what I want. But putting myself out there in the public eye again, even more than I am already am? That would be hard, too, but in a different way. Like I said, I just want a quiet life. And I’m ready to start making choices that will get me there.”

“Alright,” he said, a genuine smile on his face. “You want a quiet life, then it’s probably time to get the little one home and get some sleep, huh?”

“I think that sounds like a great idea,” I replied, finally relaxing again. 

We shuffled back over to the merch booth and said a quick goodbye to Montana and Declan, who had wandered up to sign a few autographs and snap some photos with fans. Since they were both so busy, we kept it short and we were soon on our separate ways home.

By the time I made it back to my apartment, Layla was already asleep on my chest. I knew it wasn’t wise to keep her up so late, but she had adjusted well enough to the tour schedule that I didn’t think it was a huge deal to have one late night. Even as she got older, she was an easy, flexible baby; I could only hope the terrible twos were as smooth as her first year of life had been. She only protested a little, whining in her sleep without entirely waking up, as I eased her out of the Bjorn and into her crib.

Once she was settled in, I changed into my pajamas and plugged my phone into the charger I kept by my bed. It had nearly gone dead during the concert; once it started to charge, I checked my social media and email. At the top of my email inbox was a message from an address I didn’t recognize, but the subject line identified it as Zac. I doubted anyone who might pretend to be him would know my email address, so I assumed it really was from him. I opened it and read what he had to say.

_Colbs,_

_Can you believe I have to have somebody standing over my shoulder when I use a computer here? I’m not some junkie (well, not really–you know), so it’s not like I’m going to email my dealer from the rehab computer. Whatever. At least they’re letting me email and check HNET now, although I don’t think I want to know what the girls there are saying. The gossip sucks, doesn’t it? I hate that I’ve made you a part of it. And yeah you can say that you were partly to blame too, but there would be no gossip if I weren’t who I am._

_Anyway, I just wanted to see if you could come visit next week. The therapist thinks that I’m ready for some visitors, specifically the people I’m closest too. So he’s probably going to start picking your brain – fair warning! If you’re not up for that, I understand. We can probably talk on the phone for longer now, too. They’re slowly starting to trust me and give me some freedom, I think._

_And I’m being told it’s dinner time now. Meatloaf again. Blech._

_Love you, Colby. Hope you will come visit, but if not, just remember that I love you and I’m doing good. Don’t worry yourself to death. I know you will, though :P_

_Love, Zac_

He was right. Of course I would worry myself to death; it was what I did best, especially where he was concerned.   
Even though it was late and I was sure he wouldn’t get to read my response until the next day, if even then, I clicked on the reply button and typed the longest response I could manage in my tired state.

_Zac –_

_You kinda make it sound like you’re in prison :P_

_Of course I want to visit you, though. Just let me know when and I’ll work it into my schedule. You know seeing you is more important than just about anything else. How pathetically romantic does that sound? You know what I mean. Just give me the date and I’ll do what I have to do to get there._

_See you soon, I hope. And you know I love you, too :)_


	69. Therapy

A few days later, I made my way out to Hauppauge to the rehab center where Zac was staying. It was in a fancy residential neighborhood that reminded me of the suburb where my parents had lived. The cab deposited me at the gate of a large white house with blue shutters. It looked perfectly normal, if larger than even the biggest family could possibly need. Except for the sign out front and the large gate, it would have been impossible to tell that I was standing in front of a rehab center.

There was a buzzer mounted to the gate, and after I identified myself to the receptionist, the gate creaked open for me. 

Then there was nothing standing between me and Zac. Having not seen him since the day he left for rehab, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I was suddenly so nervous that I stupidly considered turning around and running back through the gate before it shut behind me. I hesitated just long enough that I heard it lock and knew that wasn’t a possibility. It was stupid, anyway. He needed to see me, and if I were honest, I needed to see him, too. 

After collecting myself for a moment, I walked on and knocked on the front door of the center. A man in jeans and a button-down swung the door open, and I wasn’t sure at first if he was the receptionist, another patient or what.

“You’re here to see Zac, right?” He asked, and I recognized his voice from the buzzer. “He’s around back right now. I can take you back there.”

I nodded, and attempted to say “okay” but although my lips moved, no sound came out. The man just smiled and led the way through a few hallways. Although it looked like a house form the outside, the inside of the building was a bit more clinical, with plain white walls and light wood décor. I didn’t see anyone else until we stepped out onto the long, wide back porch. 

A few men were gathered around the porch steps, and in the center of them all was Zac himself. An acoustic guitar was positioned across his lap; he plucked the strings with his right hand while instructing another guy where to place his fingers on the fret. What they were playing hardly resembled a finished song at all, but they seemed happy. So happy that I barely wanted to interrupt, but the man who had escorted me there cleared his throat loudly enough to catch their attention.

“Zac, your visitor is here,” he said. “You’re free to walk around the yard, and we’ll come back for you two in an hour or so.”

If I thought Zac looked happy before, it was nothing compared to the smile that spread practically all the way to his ears when he glanced up and saw me. He flipped his hair back and handed his guitar to the guy who had been helping him, along with a semi-joking threat if he damaged it in any way. 

“Have fun,” the man said as Zac stood up and took my hand. That caused all the other guys to whistle and laugh, and I blushed.

“Come on,” Zac said, still smiling as he led me off the other side of the porch. “Ignore those guys.”

“You look so good,” I blurted out once we were away from the crowd. “And you thought you wouldn’t be able to play music again.”

“I’m not sure that really counts,” Zac replied, only a hint of bitterness in his voice. “At least I learned to play guitar right handed. God knows this cast would get in the way if I tried to strum with my left hand. I’m supposed to be getting this off next week, though. Then I guess we’ll see where we are.”

“Well, you sound more positive about it than before,” I remarked.

Zac sighed softly. “If I didn’t try to be positive, I’d be right back where I was before. That’s my problem, you know? I drink—I _drank_ \--because I thought I had it so bad. And then I made decisions that only made things worse. So I drank more. And the cycle just continued. If I don’t focus on the positive… I’m afraid I’ll be right back at the bottom again. And there _are_ things I can do with music even if I have to relearn a lot of the physical stuff. You know they have a studio here? Did I mention that in my email?”

I shook my head, grinning so much my face almost hurt. His positivity was new and infectious. “No, you didn’t.”

“Well, they do,” he replied as we walked along a row of rose bushes. “And it’s not like a lot of these guys have written or produced anything before, you know? It’s therapy, so anything that we do to express ourselves is good regardless of quality, but I’m finding that I get a lot out of helping some of these guys get their ideas to be what they imagine them to be but don’t know how to really do. I didn’t think I was much of a producer, but… maybe. And it’s not like I damaged my voice at all.”

“Not at all,” I replied, giggling. “If anything, I think you’re even _more_ talkative now.”

He tilted his head to the side and smirked. “Is that a bad thing?”

“Not at all,” I said. “As long as you’re rambling happily and not snapping at me, you can talk all you want.”

“You know, the times I snapped… I was probably in withdrawals. I mean, god knows I’ve never had it as bad as some guys—they brought this guy in the other day who was shaking and sweating like he had the flu. I just got irritable, I guess, and didn’t really even know why. And I was pretty irritable when I called you from the hospital. Whatever detoxing I had to do, I guess I got through most of it by the time I woke up and they finally decided to let me go home. I was lucky.”

I nodded. “You were lucky in a lot of ways, and I just… I just didn’t want you to take that for granted and think that because you did survive, you hadn’t done anything wrong. But I didn’t want you to feel sorry for yourself over the wrist thing, either.”

“And I’m trying to do… well, not do… both of those things,” Zac said. “That’s what the therapy here is for, really. Figuring out how to say, okay—I screwed up. Now what do I do to actually _fix_ it?”

“And what do you do to fix it?” I asked.

“Stop and think about _why_ things are going wrong—usually something I’ve done—and what specific steps I can take to fix it,” he said. With a sigh, he added, “Specifically, that means shutting my mouth when I know I’m being an asshole, and not shifting blame to Kate or you or anyone else. And even when someone in my life _does_ do something that makes me upset, figuring out a way to express that to them without lashing out or drowning myself in a bottle.”

“Sounds like some good ideas,” I replied. 

Zac leaned against me as we rounded the corner of the building and came back around to the front, where a few guys were tossing around a football on the yard.

“Seems pretty relaxed around here,” I remarked.

“Mmm, not really,” Zac said. “I’ve got therapy coming up after you leave. Unless you want to stick around for it… and I’m not saying you _have_ to, but the Doc is interested in getting some of my family in here. Ike and Tay were just up here Monday.”

“I don’t know what I would even say,” I replied. 

“You don’t _have_ to say anything,” Zac said. “You can just listen. Whatever you’re comfortable with. But I do think you should know… Kate’s coming up here for a session, too.”

Even though I knew it was unreasonable—even if they were divorced now and he and I were together—I felt myself bristle as a twinge of jealousy ran through my body. “She… she is?”

He nodded. “I mean, we were together for so long. Through some of my worst times, you know? And even if it is without a doubt over, that doesn’t mean there aren’t unresolved issues there—issues that we’re going to need to resolve for the sake of our kids.”

“I guess that makes sense,” I replied. “And if she can do it… I guess I can.”

“I’m sure you can,” he replied, leaning against me again and kissing the top of my head. “You’ve been the best thing in my life lately. And I may have used you as an excuse to do a lot of shitty things, and even been shitty to you at times, but I don’t think we’re truly bad for each other. We just weren’t in the right place—mentally, emotionally, whatever—to be good for each other.”

“I think it’s definitely debatable whether or not we were _good_ for each other while you were still married,” I replied.

“Maybe,” he said. “But it’s not debatable that I wouldn’t be here, getting clean, if you hadn’t helped me to see that I had a problem.”

I shrugged and glanced down. I didn’t want to take that much responsibility for his sobriety. If he relapsed, I would only blame myself, I was sure. But I couldn’t think about it like that, I knew. Like Zac, I had to be positive. I had to believe that this was going to work—and _continue_ to work.

“Well, how are we doing here?” A voice I didn’t recognize asked. I looked up and saw another casually dressed man walked toward us; aside from the short, white coat he wore, nothing distinguished him from Zac or any of the other patients.

“Better now that she’s here,” Zac replied, then nudged me. “Colby, this is Doc Holliday, who hates it when I call him that. Doc, this is my… my girlfriend, Colby.”

 _Girlfriend_. It was the first time he’d actually called me that.

“He thinks he’s so creative. Like I haven’t heard that one before,” the doctor teased. “So, Colby, what do you think of the place?”

I smiled. I liked him already. “I think it’s worked miracles on this guy.”

“I don’t know about miracles,” Zac replied, a hint of a blush on his face. “But I’m doing pretty good, huh Doc? Good enough to make it home in time for our baby girl’s birthday?”

There was a teasing tone to his voice, but I knew it was a big deal to Zac that he be there for Layla’s birthday. A part of me had wanted to bring her to visit him today, but I didn’t like the idea of taking my daughter to a rehab center. Who knows what the men there might be like? It was, however, much calmer than I had expected. I suddenly felt very stupid for not bringing her and letting her see Zac for the first time in weeks. 

“We’ll see about that,” Dr. Holliday said, laughing softly. “But it’s definitely possible. Visits like Colby’s today are important; they’re the first step toward figuring out how you’re going to re-integrate yourself with your family.”

“This is the part where he starts to analyze you,” Zac stage whispered.

The doctor laughed again. “Not exactly. In fact, I think we can just keep walking around here. No need to get so clinical about it. But we should talk. Would you like to lead the way, Colby?”

“Umm, sure,” I replied. Not sure where to go, I kept walking along the edge of the property, like we had been doing.

As the doctor talked, giving me the full perspective on what Zac had been doing during his weeks at the center, I thought about how much progress he really had made. Even without knowing all the details, it was evident just in Zac’s attitude and behavior. I didn’t believe that I had all that much to do with it, but it felt good to know that he did, and that his doctor saw me as a big enough part of his life to be so frank with me. 

I was, it seemed, Zac’s girlfriend.

I couldn’t even describe what it felt like to hear Zac call me that. I had wanted it for so long, but I hadn’t imagined it being anything like this. Still, I couldn’t picture us any other way. I had always seen a pain and darkness in Zac, and it seemed he’d had to reach his lowest lows before the two of us could possibly be what I wanted us to be all along. It wasn’t perfect or ideal, but was anything ever? As long as it was… as long as we continued to be together… that was good enough for me.


	70. Perspective

“I never went to the counselors everyone wanted me to see after my parents died,” I admitted, ashamed to meet the psychiatrist’s, who Zac called Doc Holliday, eyes when I said that. Should I have let my aunt and uncle send me off to some doctor then? Maybe. “I mean, my parents died. I understood that that was a tragedy or whatever. And it hurt like hell. But what did I need to talk to someone about? It wasn’t like there was anything wrong with me. Nothing I had done to cause the accident, nothing for me to feel guilty for or need to work through to accept their death. I just… well, I guess I was a stubborn teenager, too, but I just didn’t see the need.”

“Even if it’s not your fault—and it certainly wasn’t—it can help to talk to someone. You have thoughts and feelings about what happened, and it’s good to talk those through with someone.”

“I guess,” I said, still not looking the doctor in the eyes. “Anyway, I got through high school and college on my own. I just did what had to be done, I guess.”

“On your own?” He prodded. “You talked about your aunt and uncle, though. You lived with them. You weren’t entirely on your own.”

“It felt like I was, though. I’m not saying they didn’t love me and give me the best home they could. Of course they did. But it was never _my_ home; it was theirs and I was just staying there. And the whole time, I was dying to get out on my own and just do things my way. Not that I’ve proven myself very good at living my own life, I guess.” 

“Why would you say that?”

“Well, I mean… I know you know, at least from Zac’s perspective, what—happened between us. What we did.” I couldn’t look at Zac when I said that either. He had been silent beside me, his hand on the arm of my chair but not touching me, through this entire session. 

I could practically hear the doctor’s amused smile. “How about I hear it from your perspective now?”

“I fell in love with him,” I said softly, my voice barely above a whisper. “It’s really as simple as that. I mean, it was a stupid crush from the second I saw him, and then I saw… I don’t know what I saw. Something in him, some hurt, some pain. I never would have thought of myself as the nurturing type, but that drew me to him. Maybe more because I wanted to wallow in it and share my pain with him than because I wanted to help him. I don’t know.”

Both Zac and the doctor were quiet.

“I really can’t explain how it all happened, but it did. I don’t know, maybe I just have a thing for older men.” I tried to laugh the last statement off, but as soon as I said it, I knew the doctor would latch onto it.

“Why do you say that?” He asked.

I sighed. “I was just thinking, I guess most of the guys I’ve dated have been older than me. Just a few years, really, but it makes a difference, doesn’t it?”

“It does,” Zac said softly. “It’s always so strange to me when I remember you’re the same age as my little sister.   
Sometimes you do seem younger and it makes me want to protect you, but other times I forget completely.”

“I never really think about it at all, but I guess it is a pattern,” I said, looking at Zac but still not meeting his eyes. I turned back to the doctor then. These were things I hadn’t told Zac, and I wasn’t sure that right here and right now was the best time and place to reveal then. But if not now, when? I took a deep breath, then began. “I wasn’t exactly popular in high school, you know? That weird girl with the tattoos, then that weird girl with… with no parents. So I didn’t really date. There was a guy I had a crush on; Marc. He did some of my tattoos. So he was a few years older, and eventually he convinced me it wouldn’t work between because of that. I guess he was right, and we ended up better friends than… well, anyway. I didn’t date much in college, either, didn’t really take the time to get to know anyone that well. Except… except Joseph.”

I had to pause then, and it was a moment before Doc Holliday made a little murmur of encouragement.

“Joseph was, uh, he was my piano tutor. I worked with him for years, all through college really. He was a grad student when I was just a freshman, so there was… there was an age gap. And he always liked to remind me of that. I don’t know when it became something more than just the tutor/student relationship, but it really never should have. He was so… like I said, always lording it over me that he was older, smarter, more mature. And I guess I believed him. Somewhere around my final performance before I graduated, my final evaluation, I just… had enough.”

Zac’s hand had slipped onto my shoulder, massaging it gently, but there was something protective in his mannerisms, too. His voice deep and dark, he asked, “Did he hurt you?”

“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “Not like that. Not—not physically. It was all mind games, really.”

“But those games can hurt. My stupid games hurt you, too,” Zac said softly.

“What do you mean by that?” The doctor asked. “What games?”

“All of this back and forth,” Zac replied, but he was addressing me, not the doctor. “Giving you a little bit, then taking it back. Never being able to decide what I wanted. Or deciding, but changing my mind when I sobered up—or when I got drunk again. I never meant to push you and pull you like that. I couldn’t see that I was doing it, not until I got my head clear. And I’m sorry.”

“And I’m sorry, too,” I said, finally looking him in the eyes. “Sorry that I didn’t see it for what it was or… I don’t know, stand up to you sooner.”

He shook his head. “It was all on me. You couldn’t have stopped me, not until I was ready to be stopped.”

“He’s right,” Doc Holliday said. “But he’s got a lot of guilt of his own to work through, and we _are_ working on that. When you’re in the throes of an addiction, your actions truly aren’t always your own. It’s okay to recognize that, but you still have to take responsibility for the consequences. Doing that without drowning in guilt and turning back to the addiction to cope… that’s our biggest goal here.”

I nodded. “So maybe I do have some guilt issues. And probably some daddy issues, what with the whole older men thing.”

“Maybe,” the doctor replied, chuckling softly. “I wouldn’t call them ‘daddy issues,’ though. I’ve never been the biggest fan of Freud or Jung. But I think, for all your talk about wanting to be out on your own and be independent, live your own life… there’s a part of you that, understandably, wants to be nurtured. That’s something you have to understand without fighting it—or always giving in to it.”

I nodded. “How do I do that?”

“By talking to someone,” he said. “You can get a lot of perspective from it. If you want, I can give you some referrals in the city. And we can of course talk again the next time you come to visit Zac. This was good, I think, to give him some perspective on who you are. Now you two need to figure out who you are together.”

“Are you sure we really want to know?” Zac asked, chuckling softly at his own joke.

“Just because the circumstances were bad and at least one of you was in a bad place when it began… it doesn’t mean only bad has to come from it. I think you two are off to a better start now. A fresh start. But there’s still work to be done.”

I nodded. He was right, I thought. We had been through so much, some of it our fault and some of it not, but what good did it do to dwell on that when I could already see how far we—Zac, especially—had come? There was a good future ahead of us. I was sure of it.

“Now, I have another appointment soon, so why don’t you two get some lunch before Colby has to leave? The cafeteria here isn’t much, I’m afraid, but it’s all we’ve got.”

Zac grinned and took my hand. “It’s not so bad. It’s Taco Tuesday. Come on, Colbs.”

After everything we had just shared, the fact that he could just smile and be so excited about tacos should have annoyed me, but it didn’t. It was just another sign that things were going to be okay. We were going to be okay.

Both of us were quiet, aside from a little small talk, as we made our way to the small cafeteria and filled our plates with tacos and rice. Once we were seated alone at a table in the corner, Zac finally spoke again.

“I didn’t know all of that stuff,” he said between bites. “I mean, about your ex. I think you mentioned him once, maybe, but you didn’t say much and I didn’t know what to ask. Maybe I didn’t want to ask then. I don’t know.”

“I wouldn’t have wanted to tell,” I admitted. “I didn’t trust you well enough, I guess. After everything we’ve been through maybe that’s silly. I don’t know. But I trust you now.”

“I hope you do,” he said softly. “I don’t want you to doubt me or my intentions ever again. I don’t want you to distrust me. I never wanted to be that guy—the crazy, drunk, unreliable asshole. But I guess it was easier, once I got that reputation, to just stick with it rather than put in the work to change.”

I nodded. “It is easier, sometimes, to stick with something bad than get up the guts to do something different. I never thought about it, but I guess… I guess after all of Joseph’s bullshit, I should have known to cut you some slack. To understand how suffocating it can be, to be stuck in something you don’t want. Stuck being someone you don’t want to be.”

“That’s it. That’s it exactly.” Zac glanced down, then reached across the table and took my hand in his. The cast rubbed my wrist, but I didn’t care. “But this is me now. This is who I should have been all along, who I was deep inside. I hope you believe that. I hope you can feel that.”

“I do.” I nodded. “And I like this guy. I like this Zac.”

“I like him, too,” Zac agreed, then laughed. “I like this me, and I like this us. And I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

We held hands like that for a moment before Zac admitted that he needed his hand back; even with the cast, it was more useful to him than his right hand. To prove his point, he tried to lift a taco to his mouth with his right hand, and although he did eventually succeed, it wasn’t without scattering lettuce everywhere and smearing salsa on his chin. 

I had to laugh. He was ridiculous. But for once… finally… he was mine.


	71. Ease My Worried Mind

“The cake’s here!” Malcolm called out. Picking up the cake we had ordered for Layla’s party was the only task Avery was confident we could put her husband in charge of, and if his exclamation was anything to go by, he had indeed managed to accomplish that task.

The 3CG offices were a strange place to hold a first birthday party, but there was a big rehearsal space that could be converted to serve virtually any purpose. In this case, it was filled with balloons, stuffed animals and as many folding tables and chairs as we could drag in from the other rooms so that all of mine and Zac’s extended families would have a place to sit.

Making a big deal out of a birthday that Layla wasn’t even going to remember seemed ridiculous to me, but the party wasn’t just for her. It was for us—her family—and it was for Zac, too. By some sort of magic coincidence, her birthday was the very day he was being released from rehab, and so most of his family was there to celebrate his release… and finally meet Layla. Only the need to constantly keep going to make sure everything was set up was keeping me from having a complete breakdown at the thought. 

Any minute now, Zac was going to walk through that door with his parents. The last time I had seen them, Layla was still just a growing bundle of cells that I didn’t want to admit held some of their son’s DNA. Now she was toddling around and yelling “balloon!” at anyone who got in her way. 

I was still trying to find just the right spot for the cake when the room grew quiet. I spun around and saw that Zac was standing in the doorway, his parents right behind him. He was thinner than I remembered, and I wondered if I just hadn’t noticed that during our last visit, but he didn’t look unhealthy. He still had a happy glow about him, although his expression grew more and more sheepish the longer everyone stared at him.

“Well, I’m here,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck with the hand that was no longer encased in a cast. “I guess the party can start.”

For a moment, no one said anything. Then, with the sort of perfect timing that only a clueless, innocent child can manage, Layla appeared from behind a table and waddled across the room toward Zac.

“Daddy! Daddy!” The word was clearer than it had ever been before, and there was no doubt about her joy at seeing him again.

I watched a number of emotions, including perhaps even fear and horror, cross Walker and Diana’s faces as Layla continued to giggle and call out Zac’s name. He fell to his knees and pulled her into his arms, and only then did their expressions soften to something closer to acceptance and just a hint of love. The two of them loved children; that was evident any time I had seen them with their children and grandchildren. Like it or not, Layla was their granddaughter, too, and I was glad to see that just maybe they weren’t going to hold the circumstances of her conception against her.

Without knowing what she was doing at all, Layla had defused all of our tension and worry. The party was now free to start.   
It seemed like it took forever to Zac to break free of all his family members and make his way to me. It wasn’t until the cake was cut and we were sitting down to eat that we got to speak to each other at all. He plopped down in the chair next to mine and sighed happily.

“It’s good to be back, Colbs. It’s real good.”

“Yeah,” I replied, smiling at him. “I’ve kinda missed you, you know.”

“Only kinda?” He asked, smirking and nudging me.

I shrugged, but I couldn’t stop a smile from spreading across my face. Of course Zac saw through me. Of course he knew that I had been missing him nearly every day since I met him. But now, maybe, he was no longer going to be that missing piece of my life. Now he could finally be here to stay.

He leaned against me and grinned. “I kinda missed you, too.”

The flurry of activity started up again soon, giving Zac and I precious little time to talk in between bites of cake, potato chips and pizza. In what seemed like only a few minutes, Taylor and his wife—who seemed in her element as one of the party planners no matter how she felt about me—were directing things again, piling up the presents for Layla to open. Of course, Layla had no clue what was happening, but she tore happily at the paper while I helped her not to damage the presents themselves and Zac tried to point her in the direction of whatever camera was going off. 

At some point, Zac vanished from my side. I was so caught up in helping Layla figure out the dollhouse she’d just received that I hardly noticed he was gone until all the boxes were gone as well and there were no more presents left to open. A bubble of panic rose up in my throat, but I had to fight it. Of course he wasn’t going to just leave in the middle of our daughter’s first birthday party. What reason would he have to? Even at his worst, I couldn’t quite picture that sort of behavior from him. And he was now, I hoped, quite far from his worst.

“Daddy!” Layla cried out, his movement in the doorway completely distracting her from the little plastic person she had been so enthralled by a moment ago. 

Sure enough, there he was, and I felt like an idiot for doubting him. There was a sheepish expression on his face, and I understood why. His guitar was slung over his shoulder, and I realized that aside from what I had inadvertently heard at the rehab center, this would be the first time anyone in his family had seen him perform since before his accident—the first solo public performance of any sort that he had given for months.

Why he had chosen Layla’s birthday, his very first day out of rehab, to make such a big gesture, I didn’t really understand.

It seemed no one else understood either, because just like they had when he walked in, the entire room had gone quiet. 

“What, you’ve never seen a white guy with a guitar before?” Zac asked, chuckling nervously. He ducked his head as he walked across the room and sat down next to me amidst all the wrapping paper and bows. “Have I made a serious mistake here? Is this really such a big deal?”

“Of course it’s a big deal,” I said softly. “And you knew it was. You’re trying to prove yourself to them, and that’s okay. It’s okay that you want to… and it’s okay if you’re not ready.” 

“I didn’t think about it that way,” He said. “Okay, maybe a little bit. But I didn’t exactly have time to get the baby girl a present yet. Otherwise occupied, you know. So I’ve been working on something, and I figured it would be enough for now. The superficial, commercial stuff can come later.”

“And what is it you’ve been working on? A song?”

He nodded. “It’s not an original one or anything. I mean, I’ve been working on some of those too, but they’re not ready. A little birdy told me you know this song, so… if you could help me out a little, just with the fret? Just, like, hold my wrist steady? And pick up the slack if I make a mistake?”

“Even if you do, it’s going to be perfect.” 

I wasn’t positive, but I had a feeling I knew what song he was talking about. A quick glance at Taylor, who was kneeling in front of us with his camera glued to his face, suggested that I was right. Even with his eyes obscured, I could see a big grin spreading all the way across his face. 

Zac cleared his throat as he carefully placed his left hand on the fret. The brace he wore, although smaller than the cast, meant that he had to adjust the way he held his hand, in a way I was sure only made playing more painful. He brought his right hand around to wrap the left tighter, and I saw how stiff his fingers were as he manipulated them into the right position. I positioned myself behind him and tried to mirror the way he’d held his left hand. When he turned and gave me a smile and a quick peck on the lips, I knew I’d done it right.

“It’s actually good physical therapy, believe it or not,” he said softly. “It’s just that I don’t have much flexibility back yet. And I may not get much more of it back. Guess I should have learned to play guitar left handed after all.”  
He cleared his throat again and strummed the guitar softly. Sure enough, I recognized the first few notes of a familiar song. I cradled his left hand as tightly as I could without worrying I was hurting him, and helped him guide it into the first verse.

_What'll you do when you get lonely  
And nobody's waiting by your side?  
You've been running and hiding much too long.  
You know it's just your foolish pride._

Aside from the sound of his playing and singing, you could have heard a pin drop in the room. Layla had crawled around to sit in front of us and leaned in closely, her eyes wide as she watched our hands move and produce a sound she was familiar with thanks to being on tour with me all spring. I had never seen her so enthralled by an acoustic guitar before—not even my violin seemed to interest her so much—and I knew the difference was Zac. She was just as enamored with him as I was, albeit in a different way. The awestruck look on her face said it all.

_Layla, you've got me on my knees.  
Layla, I'm begging, darling please.  
Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind._

There might have been times when I had doubted how Zac felt about me. He had given me plenty of reason to. At my lowest, I might have even doubted his love for our daughter, but I realized now that I shouldn’t have. He might not have been free to give her all of his love, and he would always have to divide his time between her and his other three children, but that didn’t mean he had to divide his love. And I was realizing, too, that Zac was capable of just as much love as he was hate—and I had certainly seen plenty of the latter from him. Right then, though, all I saw, heard and felt was love.

_I tried to give you consolation  
When your old man had let you down.  
Like a fool, I fell in love with you,  
Turned my whole world upside down._

This moment, the three of us here with our family, had been a long time coming. Things weren’t perfect, of course; my family would never be complete again and hadn’t been since I was sixteen. And that would never be okay. But _I_ could be okay. I could create a new family for myself, with friends like Avery, Tobias and even Taylor. 

And in spite of the strange, tawdry way our relationship had begun almost two years prior, I was beginning to see that I could have a family with Zac, too. So what if it was never entirely conventional? Why did it have to be? Nothing else about my life was.

All that mattered was right in front of me. I couldn’t see Zac’s face, but hearing his voice crack and his back tremble like he was trying not to cry, I knew that we were all right where we belonged… finally.

_Let's make the best of the situation  
Before I finally go insane.  
Please don't say we'll never find a way  
And tell me all my love's in vain._

He might have only been a few hours out of rehab, but this was a new Zac. Of that I was certain, too. Was it possible that he could relapse? Sure. Anything was possible. Dwelling on those awful thoughts wouldn’t stop it from happening, but it would lessen the happiness I had right then. 

It had been a long, strange road to finally bring us together, and there had been plenty of times when I had been convinced that we never should have been together… but I had been proven wrong. Not by Zac, because god knows he fought it as much as I did. Not even by Layla, because anyone could make a child—that didn’t mean anything other than the obvious. Maybe I had proven myself wrong. Maybe the entire universe had conspired to bring us back to each other over and over again until we were finally able to step outside of our own petty problems and realize we actually could be better together than alone.

Maybe it didn’t matter how or why it had happened. Maybe it just mattered that it _had_ , and that we had each other.


	72. The Future

“Remind me again how long you’re going to be gone on this tour?”

Zac placed his empty plate and glass in the sink, then turned to face me. He scratched his chin for a moment, probably trying to remember said tour schedule. “Two months, more or less. We’ll get back not long after my birthday.”

I pouted pitifully. “So I don’t even get to spend your birthday with you?”

“Colby,” Zac said softly. “You know you could still come with us, right?”

I shook my head. We had talked about this a million times. I could come with them, in the sense that it was physically possible, but I couldn’t really do it. This tour was Zac’s chance to prove himself now that he was clean, and it wasn’t really that I thought I would ruin his chances, but I didn’t want him to have any distractions. God knows I would be a big distraction, especially since there was no way around bringing Layla with me.

And then there were the fans…

By that point, all of them knew about me, of course. They also knew about the divorce and Zac’s stint in rehab. Whatever precious little hadn’t been splattered all over the tabloids… well, they could fill in the blanks easily enough. None of it painted either of us in a good light, but of course most of them would stick by Zac’s side no matter what. They would forgive him his wrongs and make misguided attempts to defend him against the woman they thought was ruining his life—namely, me. Knowing that Zac didn’t see it way made me feel better, but it didn’t change the scorn I had to face from his fans. Some of them were warning to me, though. It still didn’t seem wise to throw myself into their paths again and open us all up to their criticism.

And so I wouldn’t be joining Zac on tour, no matter how much I wanted to. When our relationship—our real, no longer clandestine relationship—was still so new, it seemed unwise to be away from him for any length of time. Still, I didn’t see that I had much choice.

“No,” I finally said. “I really don’t think I can. You know how fast that would get the rumor mill spinning. Haven’t we had enough of that over the last two years?”

“Has it really been two years?”

I nodded. “Yeah. It was your last fall tour, in fact. God, I had no idea what to expect, going with you guys. But I can safely say that whatever I imagined was nothing like the reality.”

“And would you change it? If you could?” He asked, looking surprisingly vulnerable.

“That’s a loaded question,” I replied. “Would I erase all the trouble, all the pain we’ve been through… erase our _daughter_ … just to save us that pain? Of course not. We couldn’t have one without the other, so I don’t see any way it could have all happened any differently.”

“Me either,” he said softly. “But you know I wish we could have gotten here on some easier path.”

“You think the two of us, stubborn as we are, would have actually taken an easier path? No matter how smooth, if anyone had tried to push us down it… we wouldn’t have gone.”

Zac chuckled. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s that stubbornness that almost destroyed us, you know. But it’s what held us together, too, somehow. Made us fight for each other. Made me fight for my life.”

I nodded, knowing he was right. “I love you, you know. I love you, you stubborn bastard.”

“I love you, too,” Zac replied, then leaned in and kissed me. 

Gently, but insistently, he backed me against the kitchen counter. I collided with it with a gentle thud, but I didn’t mind. With the band gearing up for a new tour and Zac technically still living with Taylor and Natalie, we hadn’t exactly had a lot of time to spend alone over the last few weeks. Layla was already settled into bed, so there was nothing to stop us right then. 

I let Zac lift me up onto the counter as he continued to kiss me, his lips leaving mine and trailing down the side of my face and neck. He pushed my t-shirt off my shoulder and kissed it as well. 

“Right here?” I asked as his hand slid under my shirt and found the edge of my bra.

Zac pulled back and gave me a grin. “Why not?”

“Fair enough,” I replied, tugging my shirt over my head. It wasn’t the best argument, but who was I to really debate it? We were finally free to be together, whenever and wherever we wanted. How could I say no to that?

We weren’t exactly graceful as we stripped out of our clothes, but I didn’t really care. At least I didn’t fall off the counter and nothing landed in the sink. That was good enough for me. What really mattered was being right there in that moment with Zac. He fell to the floor in front of me and gently spread my legs, giving me a grin before leaning in. 

“Oh, god,” I moaned, my head falling back as I felt Zac’s tongue working its magic.

I was weak in the knees and hanging onto the counter’s edge for dear life when Zac finally returned to his feet and stood between my legs. He kissed the corner of my mouth as he stepped in closer and closer, finally closing the distance between us entirely.

This was it. This was home. I knew as soon as I thought it that it was the cheesiest thing possible, but it was true. I couldn’t imagine being anywhere but with Zac now. After so long, after so much happened between us… and to us… we were finally home. Okay, so my apartment wasn’t the greatest home in the world, and Zac wasn’t even technically living with me; he was still crashing with Taylor and Natalie for the time being, although most of his time was split between here and there. 

But being with him was home.

Things were never particularly slow and tender with us, and even less so when pressed up against the kitchen counter. This was hard, fast and as loud as we dared to be so as not to wake Layla. Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but I didn’t labor under any delusions that we ever would be. 

Still, it wasn’t long before I was digging my fingernails into Zac’s back and calling out his name. He followed suit, his body pressed flush against mine as he gave a long, low moan that sent chills from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.

He had barely even begun to pull away from me when I heard muffle ringing of his cell phone. I recognized the song he used for Kate’s ringtone—it was some old Maroon 5 song, while mine was (of course) Layla—and rolled my eyes.

“Perfect timing, that one,” I mumbled, hopping down off the counter and grabbing my discarded clothes. While Zac fumbled to find his phone and answer it, I hurried off to the bathroom.

It wasn’t that I was jealous. They were over. The divorced had been finalized for a few months now and it was clear that they were nothing more than co-parents now. It was a relationship I had dreaded having with him and one I could see that they were still struggling to figure out. I didn’t envy either of them at all. 

“Yeah, okay,” he was mumbling as I walked back into the room. “Yeah, I’ll be there as soon as I can. No. It’s fine.”

Maybe a tiny bit of jealousy bubbled up in me at his words. But only a tiny bit, because those words were tinged with frustration. 

Zac turned back to me and sighed, already completely redressed. “Apparently she and Junia have come down with a stomach bug, and I’ve been volunteered to get Shep and Abe away from the scene of the crime before they’re infected, too. We’ll get a hotel or something, I guess; I don’t wanna risk you and Layla or Tay and Nat’s kids picking this up.”

“And what about you?” I asked.

He shrugged. “I’ll survive. And anyway, don’t you start recording tomorrow? You’ll be too busy to even miss me.”

“No, tomorrow is my therapist appointment,” I replied. “I go into the studio next Wednesday.”

At the encouragement of Zac and Doc Holliday, I’d finally started seeing someone. I wasn’t sure how much I was really benefiting from sitting in an office spilling my guts to some stranger, but if Zac wanted to try it, I was willing. It obviously helped him. 

“Well, either way, you’ll enjoy it,” Zac said. “I know you need your music just as much as I do. And you’ll play the best heavy metal violin anyone has ever heard.”

I rolled my eyes; he wouldn’t let go of the fact that it was a heavy metal band that had somehow gotten my information and contacted me to play on a few songs. “When you put it that way, it sounds ridiculous. But you’re right. I do need music, even if it isn’t really mine in this case.”

“Yeah, well, you’ll still have so much fun you’ll barely even notice that I’m gone.” He stepped in closer and kissed my forehead as if to punctuate his statement.

“I doubt that,” I replied. “But just go before I change my mind and refuse to let you. Or tell you to bring the kids here. I mean, I don’t see the problem, other than lack of space…”

“Maybe we should get a bigger place,” Zac said softly, almost absent-mindedly, as he checked to make sure his wallet and phone were in place and grabbed his keys from the counter.

“Yeah,” I replied softly. “Maybe.”

He gave me another kiss, this time on the lips, and promised to call as soon as he got the kids settled in to whatever hotel they ended up in. Our goodbye was fairly brief, because there was really no need to draw it out when I knew I would see him in a few days. Any insecurity I’d had about our relationship in the past was gone. I didn’t need to cling to him for dear life to know he was mine.

After he was gone, I thought about his little comment. Our own place. Was that really what he wanted or was it just a little slip? I didn’t know and I wasn’t sure I was ready to ask, even if I _was_ more secure in our relationship. The future was still a question mark, especially with him leaving for tour soon and recording a new album after that. We were together. That was a fact that wouldn’t change, I thought. But the details of what being _together_ meant for us were something I tried not to concern myself with. 

I was learning that it was better for my sanity to take things one day at a time and not try to micromanage everything. It seemed that the harder I clung to things and tried to control them, the more they slipped from my hands entirely. But there was no way I was letting Zac slip away this time… and no fear in my mind that he wanted to slip away.


	73. Still Looking Up

“I can’t believe we had to drive all the way to Saratoga Springs for a Christmas tree.”

“We didn’t _have_ to,” I replied.

Zac rolled his eyes, but thankfully managed to keep them on the road--mostly. “I would have never heard the end of it if we hadn’t. Nevermind that driving a truck with a Christmas tree strapped to it through Brooklyn is ridiculous and just asking for trouble. Hell, driving in Brooklyn _period_ is asking for trouble.”

“And yet you’re the one who decided to buy a house here,” I pointed out. 

After a few more months of crashing on Taylor and Natalie’s couch (and no doubt seriously testing their patience), since he had given Kate their brownstone in the divorce, Zac had decided that he really did need a place of his own. I couldn’t have even imagined how living with them and their five kids must have tested his sobriety, but Zac swore that being surrounded by kids was good for it. He was also adamant that they could be just as good for it from a few blocks away. 

The house didn’t have much of a yard, something Zac often complained about, but it did have a surprisingly Southwestern design and a built in studio on the lower level. As soon as we saw that, we knew it was the right place for us. Of course, I hadn’t agreed to move in right away, although I had nodded and smiled every time Zac commented on how each of the kids could have their own room, and how he wanted to decorate Layla’s. 

But it was a foregone conclusion. We both knew it was. We were together now, no matter what anyone thought of that. The fans talked about what a gold digger I was, and I tried to ignore them the best that I could. They would never know the truth that we knew, but I wasn’t sure it would change their minds even if they did. In any case, they didn’t know that I had finally sold my parents’ home and nagged Zac until he let me use that money to redecorate. It wasn’t money I had earned myself, but it made me feel good to spend it nevertheless. I could never contribute as much to the relationship financially as he did, but that was okay. Thanks to the tiny bit of a splash I had made touring with Loveless, I was getting pretty steady work as a studio violinist, something I didn’t even know any bands might be looking for. The income from that was bigger than what I had earned at Sit and Spin, and although it still didn’t put me on equal footing with Zac, it made me feel better. 

Of Zac’s star was always going to outshine mine. That didn’t bother me; I knew I wasn’t cut out for the spotlight and I didn’t want it. Being with him during the release of a new Hanson album and all the craziness that brought with it only further emphasized that point. Sure, I enjoyed standing side stage and watching Zac play old songs he’d feared he would never play again and old songs he couldn’t have even dreamed of, but I would never be fully comfortable even that close to the limelight. I was much happier at home in our new, shared home, taking care of the kids and working on music that I didn’t need or want to ever share with the world.

When we finally made it home from the Christmas tree farm in Saratoga Springs that I had indeed insisted upon, I was forced to get out and direct Zac as he backed into the garage, just to be sure he didn’t damage the tree. I knew it was a lot of work and he loved complaining, but the tree was just about as close to perfect as it was possible for a Christmas tree to be, and I thought that was pretty important for our first Christmas together in the same home.

Finally, we managed to get the tree up the stairs and into the stand. We were both already breathing stupidly heavily, while Layla with her little kiddie tablet didn't seem fazed at all.

“Remind me again why this was necessary?” Zac asked, flopping down on the couch like a ton of bricks.

I sat down next to him and put my head down. “Well, I haven’t… I haven’t had a Christmas tree of my own in years, okay? I never put one up at my apartment, because it’s just sad to celebrate Christmas by yourself. And sure, Aunt Sus has one, but it’s not mine. Even when I did live with her and we put a few of my baby ornaments on it, it only just reminded me more that I wasn’t at home. And I guess I’ve never, in the last ten years, felt like I was home enough to have a Christmas tree. God, has it really been a decade?”

Zac pulled me closer, and I was sure he was prepared for the waterworks to start, but really I was in shock. It still seemed like yesterday that my parents had died, but realizing that it was a decade ago made me feel ridiculous for still letting their death affect every aspect of my life. Of course it was horrible and tragic, but wasn’t it time to move on? Wasn’t it time to be happy? That’s what I had told myself when I sold their house, and actually setting up my own Christmas tree in my own home—okay, technically Zac owned it—was another big step to prove that I really was ready to have a life.

“I didn’t think about that,” Zac finally said, his voice barely above a hoarse whisper.

“It’s okay,” I replied, running my fingers over his newest tattoo. On the one year anniversary of his accident, he’d gotten a third tattoo—a small anchor on his left wrist. “We both have our demons, you know? Our past. And that’s what it is—past. Of course it affects who we are, but we don’t have to let it totally _determine_ who we are.”

“Well said,” Zac replied. “And you’re right. It’s one thing I have to keep reminding myself, but it’s true. I decide who I am. Not my past, not my genetics, not anything or anyone other than _me_.”

I lifted his wrist and gave the tattoo a kiss. Sometimes I wasn’t sure he even realized how far he had come in the last year and a half. I never truly wanted him to change; if he hadn’t been him, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him. But the spark of something that I saw in him and fell in love with had dulled and been overpowered by all the darkness in him. Now, I could see him shine again. I could see _him_.

I could love him. And he could love me back.

_I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily  
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make  
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use  
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake  
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend  
For us to work, we didn't break, we didn't burn  
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in  
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am_

_I won't give up on us  
Even if the skies get rough  
I'm giving you all my love  
I'm still looking up, still looking up._

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Telling Secrets](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8459632) by [sparkinside (boomersoonerash)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/boomersoonerash/pseuds/sparkinside)




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